Cog

Epicog

2010-12-26T10:57:00.000-08:00

With the spare time that comes with the season it’s probably best I tidy up this little loose end of the internet and put this blog to bed.

Summing up then, in my traditionally long-winded fashion...

Back when the world was young, I was a lowly grad student with two toddlers, and I started this blog. I did it for some very old and very new motivations at the time, with the hope that putting our perspective (or simply our existence) out there would be some help to our children’s dealings in school with LDS peers or someone else’s children in that LDS-gay no-man's-land. I tend to think a person can fix anything, given enough work and time and I put a good deal of both into online interactions.

Then Prop 8 came about and it really threw myself and my home for a loop. Trusted family became suspect; on every other block in my neighborhood, suddenly there was a strong and hostile political base where once there was a church. I began paying too much attention to every insult to my home, especially those directed at our children’s character coming from those pulpits and our local politicians. I know I paid far too much attention to random citizens, reading through the opinion page first just to see what next insult or rhetoric they’d try out. I was looking to address every debasing, ugly characterization of my love for my home and husband.

Not a reasonable aim, and not a healthy aim.

With the turmoil around Prop 8 the world turned from the wonderful and optimistic opportunity it had become in my adult life to something threatening, more reminiscent of what it was as a 14-year-old kid, before I came out of the closet. I was going over the ground I'd settled for myself, now for my family and for my fears for my children. For those well-documented reasons of human psychology, taking a step back was also more of a blow than just being accustomed to existing injustices. I look back at old posts now and I see I was drinking in far too much of our opposition's poison than anyone should, even if I still reflexively feel, for my spouse and kids, I could swallow it all. It took a physical tole from which I'm finally recovering.

Etcetera etcetera, right?... It's all recorded around here somewhere.

I've spend a good deal of time, though, trying to figure out why this affected me so much. If others are in the same boat it may make sense, and if not just skip ahead...

It’s odd, sure, to have an epiphany when considering the Zombie Apocalypse. I mentioned in an old post that after Proposition 8 I had began having nightmares about zombies, of all things, attacking my family and me helpless to defend them. I was waking up from them with my heart pounding. It hit me as Rob and I were watching the Walking Dead the other night that I’m fascinated with zombies and they get to me so viscerally because they remind me of my most potent real-world fears in an exaggerated form:

1. Zombies are made from the familiar and, sometimes, those you love.

2. Zombies don’t want to hash things out; there’s no talking them out of their pro-“Brains!” position. Appeals to science, the golden rule, or empathy, or reciprocity do not affect on their unshakable convictions.

Similarly, I fear the polite neighbor and the quaint church on the corner turning into a threat to my loved ones much more than I fear the threats that were openly sinister from the start. Having to attack what you once counted as a friend in order to protect those you do love is traumatic, and a Zombie plot staple. Prop 8 made my neighborhood and some in my family feel like threats to my kids and husband; that's an unreasonably large panic button in me for some reason.

I also fear not being able to talk to and reason with my opposition. To be clear, I'm not saying our opposition in the gay debate is mindless—they are absolutely very intelligent. But intelligence is a tool people use to get what they want, not necessarily what is right or true. It would be at our peril to imagine they don't have a great deal of it.

While not at all like mindless zombies, they don’t use tools of communication and persuasion that I understand. I can't talk my way to a solution, and this gets to me. After debating for weeks and making a great case, too many times I’ve been told directly by those high up in our opposition that the science doesn’t matter to them because they just know the Truth; I’ve been told the Golden rule isn’t applicable when they harm us because they just know it’s for the greater good. There is no arguing that, as centuries of religious conflict can attest. They may just as well be explaining “Brains!” to me, as what they are saying scares the Hell out of me nearly as much.

I mean, I've had folks quote non-existent journal articles as evidence for my children's deficiencies and when proven wrong they didn't even skip a beat at trying to break down our metaphorical door; it's like a scientist's horror film.

What’s worse is I’ve read too much on gay history and know the zombie apocalypse of sorts has happened for gays several times in history, from the fall of Rome to the inquisitions, and I extrapolate too much. We just make such great permanently-small-in-number scapegoats.

----------------------------------------

All that is a long way to say I needed to calm down, get some perspective, and stop acting as Rick Grimes, staying up watch all night to defend my family from the hoards. Our opposition only wants a disproportionate cut of our tax, insurance, and SS dollars. Sure they want to insult us and our children, but they’re not asking for “Brains”, not to set us on fire, this century at least.

Clearly, my emotions after that loss were unreasonable and far out of proportion. But, I'm not sure I'd have wanted it another way. Potent emotions follow any topic that nears our children, and, more often than not, it's a welcome condition.

Nevertheless, it was a problem.

Fortunately, I got an unexpected job opportunity just at the right time. I had to force a space for us where we live, and this opportunity worked out perfectly. I am now a “professor” and man it feels odd to be called that by 20-somethings… So I cut out politics, and disappeared from online life to focus on my career.

It’s always striking when the universe seems to know what exactly you need, and how to remind you where your focus should be in this brief life. Focusing on science is far more healthy for me than focusing on the belief structures of hostile strangers, and now the world is back to that wonderful and optimistic opportunity.

There was a price, though. I have had to give up hope on strangers, which hurt a bit. I've had to stop going out of my way to find and digest the world's sinister side, which make me a deserter of sorts. I’ve had to stop caring so strongly and accept that I can’t fix some things, even for those I love. I've had to stop seeing myself as the unbeatable and tireless defender of my family, oddly, in order to do what my family needs most from me. I had to admit my weaknesses and keep near my strengths; my career in science was chosen over my concern for politics.

Frankly, though, I’m a gay man only incidentally. When I ask myself, my reflexes tell me that I’m a father to our two children; I’m a husband to my husband; I’m a scientist. I just don’t feel like a “gay man” or “gay rights activist” at heart. I have my family, and my friends, and I fit in with fellow scientists, but being gay is as interesting to me as the genetics behind my blue eyes. In fact I fear I’ve only ever cared about being gay as much as those who would hurt my family or others for it have cared.

I’m plainly relieved to let myself stop studying the topic; it's so boring next to what I find in my work every day. Dropping my concern for strangers and their obsession with homosexuality has let me back to my natural state, away from politics and back to a world were evidence is held high and belief is held low, back to where morality is decided by the Golden Rule. I’m back to the world that makes sense to me, and just have to accept there is another, much larger and more powerful world that decides my family’s fate.

I do feel guilty and rightly so for not being there for the online crusade to let young gay kids know that “It gets better”. Maybe the world really is getting better for young gay men and women; it's not the world I came out into. I know gay suicide and bullying is still a big problem, one which I'll fight in the non-html world. But it really has become much better and the cages gay kids find themselves in now are thankfully more and more of their own construction, which is somewhat simpler to dismantle. But doing so is most often work they need to choose and do themselves.

Boy, and at this LDS-Gay shoreline we have more than our fair share of sailors strapped to the mast. I suppose we also have sirens strapped to the rocks, and bodies of both in the waves. Coming out in these parts is a dramatic and difficult Odyssey to be sure. But I don't relate to what any sailor hears in our opponent's singing, and I landed my ship home almost 20 years ago. I'm literally getting too old for this. I don't know what help I can be in this unnecessary and increasingly alien drama other than just showing that it does end, if you keep sailing on.

And to that end, this blog is here, there are more and more like us out there, and, as a professor, I interact with more young men and women now than I ever did before. We lost a gay student a couple years ago to suicide, and it has troubled me to think I’d been too cloistered in my lab (some of that time blogging), to interact with students enough to even know one may be having such problems. Now, for what it might be worth, at least they can see one more option in their professional sphere. I’ve also listed myself as a faculty mentor for our GLBT club and we’ll see what comes of that. Simply, I’m putting my efforts into my immediate sphere and will avoid trying to argue with strangers (for my sake or theirs) from here on.

---------------------------------------

I think I’ll end with a brief update on the family, as, politics aside, I had enjoyed sharing the banal aspects of our lives much more than the controversies.

The twins are doing great. More and more bright and beautiful each week. At 8 they still have little inkling of how serious the political issue around their home will be to some strangers, and I hope it stays that way as this wave of acceptance just moves right along with their generation. They are still as different as ever. One wanted a tackle box and spear gun for Christmas and the other wanted a Glee video game and a badger pup… We do love orbiting our binary system, enough to not give them the spear gun and badger pup.

Rob and I are going on 19 years together. To say I love him more than ever would sound trite but would also be insufficient to describe what builds on nearly two decades. There is yet another reason I’ve decided to pull out of this fight; it became too clear many I know fighting so adamantly to “defend marriage” have no idea what a healthy marriage means. Our marriage gets bit each time I bring us too near those fighting over bones of vocabulary, and I can be content to keep away from that mess while I enjoy the real thing.

I’ll end with some farewell pictures from a couple of our escapades over the past two years. I wanted to share but never found the time.

We did the white house easter egg roll, last Spring:

Nice of the president to dress up like that, right? I'll just assume that's true, as we couldn't get near enough to get a picture with him in the frame...

I forgot how beautiful that city can be, though, and what an experience for the kids!

It may seems silly to take 8-year-olds to Europe but...

Still, they enjoyed it:

Really, though, what 8-year-old doesn't doesn't find interest in volcanoes

gladiatorial combat and warfare?

Okay, they got a bit fed up with the vatican...

Still, fun times.

Right now, we are actually in the city in which we were married (our 3rd time), San Diego. Good memories here too. It feels nice to have that legal marriage safety net under us again, even if only on vacation.

Anyway, got to go; family is getting annoyed that I'm on the computer.

Soon I'll be back to work, a cog once again spinning wildly for my husband and kids... I'll be thinking of a million other things, writing papers, teaching a new class; I'll be insanely busy again, the way I like it.

But this blog will effectively have ran its course.

I'll disable the comments as I head out the door. It'll give me the last word here :). Also, I'm told they're causing a good deal of spam (sorry about becoming a billboard for Russian Viagra or whatever those comments are about).

If there is somehow, miraculously something left unsaid from my perspective on these issues... well, I'd be surprised. Still, if something needs to be said, I think most regulars around here know how to get a hold of me on Facebook or by email. If not I'm sure you know who to ask to get that info.

Best regards, and best of luck.

Merry Christmas From a Long Lost Blogger

2009-12-21T10:00:00.000-08:00

Let me start by attempting another excuse for my absence. I just hope those who used to read my blog understand my need to focus elsewhere.

I've had to give up a lot to keep my family here and I've had to put much more time into work, if I'm going to makeup for the penalties of living here. Sadly, that has meant neglecting even friendships from my youth (so no offence; I've been an absent jerk to everyone but those who live with me).

I'm trying to find the most effective distribution of my efforts, given that we have to be here for now and change to such a conservative society comes so slowly. Though, you bet, it is changing and I'm thankful to the GLBT and LDS that have made the LDS church friendlier in the last couple months. I think, though, Prop 8 tempered my optimism just enough to make me plan less for the best case scenario, and more for the case where I do not live to see the day my family is treated fairly by Utah, even if we are in Utah. I had to adjust my balance.

That is not to say,of course, I’ve dropped activism; far from it. Simply, I am fuel for this family, a finite measure of fuel, and I am aiming to burn where I will burn most efficiently. I hope I am optimizing that effort in my personal, professional and political lives.

I’m just sorry to those who I’ve inadvertently ignored by not even checking the inbox associated with this site for months. If you have my alter-ego’s email address, use that and I swear it won’t be a digital black hole. Facebook, well, I try but that’s becoming a bit of a black hole too.

Those who know what I’ve been up to probably could guess, though, that this is just a quick check in. I’ve got a holiday break, but the holidays are, happily, never really a break and soon I’ll be back at it.

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you all a merry Christmas, and a joyous New Year.

Oh and a happy Inter Solstice :-).

You didn’t think I’d forget you on this time-honored holiday, did you?

No way. I got you something nice; two things even:

--Fist, the toy: some guilt-free listening to This American Life.

--Finally, the practical item: Shelter, maybe not for you but in your name and for some Utahn that certainly needs it in the tough economy and chilly weather.

Enjoy! And sure, I know I've tried to guilt you all into also getting me something for the holidays in the past. Some of you did buy me nice gifts last year and I've appreciated them. But no, I've been a bad blogger and a distant online friend. I don't deserve such a wonderful gesture, one that would be so very much appreciated and all the more special if you gave despite my rude online behavior :-).

Hey, and look at that, I'm just like Santa ;-): I don't answer my letters all year, I pop in, drop off gifts and pop out. There's a nerdy internet cookie joke in there somewhere too, but I've got no time to find it.

Again, Merry Christmas.

Absent

2009-08-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

When you email me to ask where I’ve gone, you don’t need to be nice about it. I know. I am some sort of blogging jerk; that fact is beyond dispute. Not only have I vanished for a long while, but I’ve not check the inbox attached to this blog for a while. I apologize to those who wrote.

No. I've not been locked in Gayle Ruzicka's basement for the past couple months, forced to watch Johnney Lingo on a loop until I also find Mahana to be worth eight cows. I've not been on an undercover mission for the gay mafia as a LDS lesbian, deep within the ranks of Evergreen. It's actually quite mundane.

I’ve been insanely busy. Really busy; this post took about two weeks to write. <-- That period was accomplished over the span of 3 hours. Anyway, Some updates are as follows:

--First and foremost, my research has picked up greatly and my new professional duties have most all my non-family attention. I just can’t risk getting interested for even a half hour in blogging or browsing for now. The worst part is the crux of it won’t begin until the end of this month. But, honestly, I’m loving it and excited for the opportunity these next 4 months will give us. It was such a lucky break that I got this offer in this economy just as I learned my parents were having surgery in the Fall. This step in my career will end in more flexibility to move when the time is right, or keep our place here, and I am (probably overly) obsessed with getting it right. So, wish me luck on the vague thing I’ll soon be doing :-).

--I’m in the midst of starting a new small business. These little ventures are always a gamble of your time, but the payoff can be huge. We’ll see.

--We are also in the midst of moving into a new and much larger lab. As anyone who works in a lab knows, this is like moving into a new home, but worse. The difference being that transferring the contents of your cabinets and refrigerator when moving a lab involves moving substances that could kill you slowly within a decade, explode, or eat your foot off within an hour.

--My involvement with GLBT issues has increased quite a bit offline. I was just elected the chair of a human rights committee in a local government branch, we’re still meeting with the evangelical group, and we’ve started a group with LDS members. Even one of the main lobbyists for Prop 8 has sat on our couch in our family room a couple times now. It's kind of strange to be in such company, as one of the thousands of couples who are still legally married in California despite the LDS church's best efforts, but nope, no fist fights yet ;-). Not even an angry word from either side. Online has its benefits but face-to-face is a much better format for such touchy issues; it’s a lot harder for either side to dehumanize the other. I just hope things remain as productive as it seems to be so far.

Speaking of… I’m thankful that some bloggers have become involved with that group; I’m even more thankful that a fellow blogger got us in touch with some folks up there in the LDS ranks. We know more people who’d be interested in being involved, but we are at max population. We all agreed, though, it’d be great if similar groups popped up. If we can find more LDS folks willing to take that leap and just talk to the gay community (and, sure, it goes the other way as well), I’d like to spread this sort of thing.

--While I’m asking for stuff, I may as well put in a plug for poor Isocrat. I’ll get back to her eventually, and thank Ben for keeping her breathing in the time being, but it needs help. I don’t have the time it needs, though, and hope to find people who do.

Anyway, what else… We just celebrated our boys’ 7th birth day, our 14th anniversary and our 18th year together. It was a crazy year from our California marriage to now. After our trip to Massachusetts a while ago, I’ve realized I’m addicted to the comfort of knowing my family will be legally treated fairly; heck, it was just nice to be able to rent the car as a spouse without having to pay to be the “second driver”. For a whole week we were in a place where there was no reason to defend our home or fight for even basic fairness. I came back refreshed and certain, someday, we’ll have that where we live, if either we have to go where it is or bring it to us. But, for now, I have a lot of work ahead of me, here.

You know, though, it kind of feels like the universe interrupted me here on purpose, by handing me opportunities involving so much work. I’m not saying that being here because of my parent’s health problems is a good thing; just that being busy has been. It’s just that after Proposition 8, I was a bruised man, in several ways. You can see for yourself. My heart took a hit and is still physically sub par. I was greatly worried about how our opponent’s rhetoric would harm our children. I was frustrated by the double standards, prejudice, imaginary research... There I go :-). In all, the personality characteristics that help me in my job in science are also the characteristics that make arguing faith and politics so frustrating; it’s kind of fitting my job would step in and take my focus.

Now those nightmares of someone or something threatening my family have been replaced with the usual and pleasant dream nonsense. Goodness knows this state doesn’t feel any less hostile, but I’m back to the place where my hopes for it are low enough again to keep free of frustration. Though we’re in provisional home, a state (or legal state) which we’ll eventually leave in one way or another, I’m just focused on doing what needs to be done for the generation below and above me right now. I know that may sound sullen or defeatist or something, but it has actually been some measure of a relief.

Regardless, I’m afraid, at least for the next couple months, I’m going to remain scarce. I’m still putting some pictures and stuff up on facebook, though. If you know someone who knows me, you can keep up on at least the images of our latest escapades there (best email me from there too). I’ll try to check this a couple times a month though; let me know if you or anyone you know would be interested in a GLBT-LDS group meeting and we'll try to expand it.

Father's Day

2009-06-21T12:48:00.000-07:00

Ug, I'm being a bad blogger. I've been so busy with work and then we left town for a week of relaxation in Provincetown. Now I'm backed up on work and I just can't keep up.

I'll post just a couple pictures (facebook friends can see the rest); it was great to relax with the family and even more comfortable to be legally married again, if only for a week.

Anyway, I merely want to say, Happy Father's Day to all you dads.

May you feel ridiculously fortunate in life to be a father this day and everyday too.

Utah Pride, 2009

2009-06-07T14:20:00.000-07:00

Sure, the parade for GLBT Utahns was rained on in more ways than one this year, with many of our extended family's tithe money, if not their direct support, going to pass Proposition 8 and the loss of all bills in Utah's legislature that would have given our families a sliver of equal legal treatment. But even as we set off walking the route in a downpour, everywhere you looked there were friendly smiles (Well, a couple protesters aside).

I was surprised at how many people did ignore the weather and come to Pride.
We were there again with a bunch of family: nieces, a sister, and so on.
My wonderful parents:
Sometimes I fear my mom was disappointed when I came out, not because I'm gay but because she got a gay son who doesn't care about fancy clothes. Cruel irony; I'm just a drab sciencey guy. I mean, just look at those colors on her.

Maybe this sort of style would have been more her speed :-):
I think she may have that pink hat.

She, of course, was the one to get these sun glasses (and suckers) for the twins:
I thought this was cute too: Brian took one of grandma's bracelets and used it for a necklace for Wolfey (The favored stuffed animal since birth--you can tell by the poor thing's cataracts).
Anyway, another fun, though wet, pride parade, and here's to hoping the storm clouds break here with the coming year.

On a side, my dad always tells the story, when Senator Buttars comes up in conversation, about how he first met the guy when Buttars ran the Boy's Ranch and was asking my dad for a donation, long before my dad had any idea his son was gay or that Buttars was... well... you know. My dad left the meeting at the boys ranch appalled by what he witnessed and disgusted with Buttars and sure to find a better "charity" than that. At Pride those who had experienced the "therapy" of the Boy's Ranch first hand had a booth and my dad talked with them for a while. I think some of their accounts and goals deserved attention:

You can see their site here

The Littlest Things are the Hardest to Dodge

2009-06-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

As part of the new responsibility that has me so busy I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork. One bit was a new W-4 form.
Here, that's kind of small. Let me blow up what grabbed my gut:

Then, at the end of the form it reads:

"Under penalties of perjury, I declare that I have examined this certificate and to the best of my knowledge and belief, it is true, correct, and complete."

Well, to the "best of my knowledge", I am not legally married in Utah or federally for purposes of employment or taxes. 16 years of paired dedication, love, and interdependence, raising children together, promising to love honor and cherish, forsaking all others.... They call that "single" here, if you're anatomy ain't what they like. So yeah, I know, I'm supposed to check "single", legally.

But I also know, as clearly and as certain as I know anything, this form is not "true" "correct" or "complete" with me being classified as "single". I am nothing if not a husband and a father; I'd be a stranger to myself to be single.

(Anyone know what the legal consequences of checking the "Married, but withhold at higher Single rate" might be, even though I'm not legally married in this jurisdiction? Would I still be guilty of perjury if not tax fraud?)

Even without the practical tax implications in the above, there would still be these little cuts. Those fighting against marriage for our families don't seem to see how they harm real people in practical ways, but so clearly demeaning, in the abstract, the best aspects in what they claim to be the defenders of is also baffling. Maybe if I lost a beauty pageant and someone said something mean about me on a blog, we'd get them to notice :-).

Regardless, I'm in a Catch-22 for now. To work in the US and keep from legal punishment, I am required to, myself, debase the most important role I'll ever have in life, second only to being a father. They make me, by threat of law, sign my name to a lie, that I am "single". A husband of 14 years, dedicated to the person I've been with for 16 years, the only person I've ever been with, the person I'm a parent with.... I'm forced to call that "single". I may as well sign on to the claim that I'm a walrus.

That coerced, signed dishonesty gets to me, even though, I know, it's a small thing. I was taught as a kid and it is an obsession to see my signature as a sacred guarantee of honesty, but it can't be, on this form, without legal harm. Maybe if I were a better gay rights activist I'd just mark the truth and wait for the audit or other punishment, but I've got our kids and a homemaker to take care of...

I just wish I could get everyone who pushed and voted for Utah's Amendment 3, those who hoped to annul our legal marriage with Proposition 8, all those church leaders, and those single gays who think marriage for gay couples is nothing to fight for to just get a taste of what that feels like. For a man who cares for nothing more than his family to check that "single" box, in order to be able to work for his family without threat of law... frankly, it sucks.

California Decision on the Proposition

2009-05-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to quickly chime in on the recent Ca court decision on Proposition 8. It's been killing me not to have the time to get right on it as the news broke.

The significant up side for us personally is, of course: my family came out of all this with equal rights in several states and some countries with our still-valid Ca marriage license, along with 18K other couples, about 40% of which have children, judging from the 2000 census. That piece of paper there still puts some legal bite into the promises we made to each other so many years ago, and made again last summer in San Diego; it secures some rights in some jurisdictions, equal to other citizens, and could be used to enforce the responsibilities we've taken on as a couple and as parents. This is a great success for the best aspects of family and I hope no one overlooks that victory.

Okay, sure, we're one of the lucky same-sex couples who got there in time and maybe I'm feeling it with too much weight. It is personally important, though; we hope to and will most likely end up living in California, and equal treatment under the law is a requirement for the next government we have to pay taxes to, at least at a state level. So yeah, I'm personally happy and relieved and hope federal support of marriage is forthcoming. At least then we'd have something in effect while still here in Utah.

But, as everyone probably knows, this Ca supreme court decision is bitter sweet. Marriage is still between man and woman in addition to being between this man and his man in California, and the sky hasn't fallen. But the young gay couple just ready to make that sacred leap into marriage is left with an offer of only a "civil union" from their government. That's a good deal more than what we have in Utah, sure, and it should be appreciated but separate is not equal or tolerable in the long run. The first time they attempt to take their "civil union" into a jurisdiction unfamiliar with the what that practically means, or the first time the law makes a distinction between "married" and "civil union-ed" (as it does federally anyway), the need for all citizen to be in the same legal boat, regardless of their sex or the sex of the folks in their family, will be all too clear. You'd think it'd be apparent why heterosexual couples, in the vast majority, don't want the "equal rights" the Ca Supreme Court feels they found in "civil unions". Besides, talk about undermining the meaning of "marriage"; to legally ignore it's best aspects because of an M or a F on a birth certificate... And it's not just a matter for same-sex couples; one has to wonder what those couples that include an individual intersexed from birth, neither or both biologically M or F, are left with in Ca law now.

Anyway, 2010, or 2012, or 2014... The day is clearly coming when, throughout the US, the shape of your body or your chromosomes won't determine the amount of tax you pay, the rights of your children, if you can just run off on your spouse without legal consequence, or any of this stuff. I'm sure in California the day will return when "marriages", as performed according to the individual citizen's religious or secular convictions, will be treated justly and equally under the law, blind to our anatomy and focused instead on the weighty public interdependence, commitment, and responsibility found in the act of human coupling, be it in same-sex or, um, "opposite marriage". The day will come when people realize our children go to school too and have a right to talk about their home as much as any other kid. They will get tired of the fear mongering and will realize we can have different definitions for marriage in our homes and churches, and still be treated fairly under the government we must share.

Unfortunately, though, the mark of the Prop 8 vote, complete with the lies about everything from Catholic Charities to marriage in Europe, will always remain on those people and organizations who pushed it. It will be something we point out to our impatient grandchildren, just as I had the uncomfortable and strangely embarrassing conversation with my kids last year about how race used to matter in US law (and faith) as much as sex does in this instance. But if justice was easy, our species would have gotten it right long ago instead of in painful increments. Besides, maybe we need these bumps in the road to drive home the broader value of such ideals as the Golden Rule.

When all is added, though, I guess I can't be unhappy about this (and I've tried :-)). Tonight I'll go home to my family, to my kids, and to my husband, the man who is still my legal husband even if only when we're standing in certain territories between sea and shining sea. Hey, and at least next time we vacation in Ca, I, as a legal husband, won't have the added hassle or cost of being a second driver on the rental car contract :-). More importantly, of course, when we can move from Utah to our dreamed-of near-beach home, we will have what any man would want from his state for his family.

If We Have to Be Stuck...

2009-05-26T07:36:00.000-07:00

I may be busy with my new professional duties, but never, of course, too busy for our quarterly Moab trip:
A big part of the vacation is always visiting Rob's family... and then forcing them to walk miles through the desert with us:

Really, though, it takes no arm twisting. I mean, who wouldn't want to spend time with such hansom men, right? And look there at my man. He's lost a lot of weight in the past three months. A doctor warned him about his health and he thought of us and went on a serious diet. I'm proud of him.

But the rest of us are, arguably, cute too:

It's images like that that make me very glad we had twins. They may be very different but they are great friends and family to the other; I can see that last well past their parent's time and that gives a good deal of joy.

Their favorite part was the dunes. My sandbox can't compete with this:
I guess one other reason we need to get down to Moab as often as we do to purge some of the city-boy from the twins:
Every kid needs to wipe sheep snot on their shirt at least a couple times a year, right?

A bit of advice:
What once covered that empty plate there was the Jailhouse restaurant's Swedish pancakes, with loganberries (don't use the syrup; just the berries). Delicious. We go there for breakfast every trip down and each time I get the same thing, twice this trip even. I'm salivating just typing this.

Lastly, a fitting metaphor. We got stuck, in Utah:
To be exact, Rob got us stuck :-). It took two hours of digging, some frustration, a lot of sweat, blisters, the pull from two vehicles, and a good deal of the kindness of strangers, but we eventually got free. Our help was a bunch of local men there on dirt bikes and, with beer in hand and chew in lip, they helped dig us out. Strange thing: I worried the kids would out us to these rural guys at any moment and that they'd stop being so charitable and we'd have to call in help. But no, the kids we're having too much fun digging to chat up strangers. Still, maybe I shouldn't prejudge; heck, the guys may have been from the Southern Utah GLBT Dirt Bike Club...

Anyway, here the kids are in the deep, muddy holes our tires once spun pointlessly through:
All the while the boys had a great time, chasing lizards and jumping off dunes in this beautiful country, and we got a strenuous workout.

That's life in Utah for the men at the helm of this gay-headed family for ya.

Bone

2009-05-18T07:02:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my last post, what, three months ago?... Man, blog days go by fast when you're absent and those posts do pile up in the reader...

Anyway, as I was saying, I took on a new professional responsibility that will keep us here through my parents' surgeries. It has me insanely busy, but it's something at which I enjoy being busy.

I just wanted to post a quick thank you again for the comic suggestions. That was exactly what Alan needed to get him excited about reading, and I'd recommend it to any parents having trouble setting off that spark.

We read them together each night, splitting the characters up so that I read a couple and he reads the others. We each have our voices for our characters and it probably sound like we're putting on a play each evening, but, as they only have dialogue, it's become one of the more fun aspects of reading, one that we didn't have with traditional books. While he'd probably rather I read the whole thing, he literally begs to keep going when it's time for bed. And I love that sort of pleading from my kids (I tell him it's time for bed but then leave the book in there next to his lamp, you know, to tempt him :-)).

The winner of his interest so far: Bone, by far.

We're almost on the 5th book. He loves the action and the story, and the fact the rat creatures are always arguing about quiche, something I had to define even though the kid has two dads :-). It is just a sliver more mature for him than I'd have chosen from the start, but it has him wanting to read. As they are, by both their accounts, the only kids in their class who haven't seen Wolverine or Star Trek, maybe I worry about PG-13 material too much anyway... Eh, Brian emphatically doesn't want to see either, but maybe I'll take Alan to Star Trek, and cover his eyes on bits, just so I can see it again ;-).

Anyway, I hope all is well for the lot of you and I hope time can bring me back to the blogs more often.

Shuffling Priorities

2009-05-06T09:45:00.001-07:00

When I was young, about the age of our children, my mother sneezed and her left eye fell out. Fell right onto the carpet.

This was a surprise.

So much so that I can't say it was traumatic as much as it was stunning. I don't even remember being scared as much as being put on pause. I froze there in my parent’s bedroom, in our old home, as my dad grabbed the thing and, after a minute or so, situated it back in its proper place.

At that I was told the story of how, when my mother was in her twenties, she lost her real eye and had it replaced with the convincingly painted ceramic dome that had just come loose. She had and has a congenital eye disease and the only cure for it is a corneal transplant. She had three transplants, and her body rejected all three. After so many repeated rejections she lost the eye entire, and never dared risk the other.

All my life I've known her to struggle with the vision in her remaining eye. She's never been able to drive at night; always has had to wear a uniquely and stiffly fit contact lens, one that has to be retooled about twice a year by one of the few capable in the world. Heck, I owe my existence, or so I'm told, to a hotel room on a trip to a specialist in Texas.

I write all this to emphasize the weight of the fact that we just recently found out her remaining eye is going down hill; she will not be able to drive soon. Surgery is on the table again and will be decided on in a matter of months. On top of that we found out last month my father will be having both knees replaced this fall.

The point is last week I was in my lab and I got an email from Rob. In it he expressed a stark change of heart about moving, due to my parents’ health considerations, even though he wants out of here more than anyone. And I know he's right; I knew it as soon as I read it and choked up right at my desk for his thoughtfulness. That’s why I love him with all my heart; he’s a good man, the person who makes me a better person. Me, well, I get caught up in our home and in politics and research… I’m ashamed to say I didn’t put 2 and 2 together on this one, until I heard it from him. As my mom always tells people, “I’m so thankful my son is gay. I could have had a bitchy daughter-in-law, but instead I got a great son-in-law.” :-)

I know I have not written much about moving lately; family have begun reading here and I didn’t want to worry them until we had a solid plan on what we were doing and all that greatly depended on California’s Supreme Court. However, we have been looking forward to retreat and rest from this LDS-gay battleground, and I have been looking for a job all the while in any jurisdiction that would treat our family with fairness. Now, though, I want to tell them there's no need to worry.

Fact is we can’t move with my parents going through this. We can’t add to the stress with my mom having to choose between these frightening options. They are in no shape to go anywhere unfamiliar for a while and, even if the worst doesn't materialize, they will need our help come fall. They aren’t just my parents; they are our good friends, confidants, the people we trust with our children. They’ve been there for me all my life, from feeding me as an infant, to standing beside me when I came out, to giving us breaks when the twins were keeping us up all hours of the night. We have to, and we want to be there for them now.

I know, I know... I had broken up with Utah, made up a mind to retreat, asked to be held to it, and we were on our way out. But, like any break between long-time lovers, it is going to take more time and less simplicity than could be considered clean. The state has a key to my apartment, keeps driving by, and I seem to have another year added to the lease.

The strange thing is that, just a day before Rob sent me that email, I got a good opportunity here that I was about to pass up. But now I’ll take it. We’ll stick it out here until my parents are on their feet again and the kids are at the end of a school year. At least this new opportunity will make it easier to move later.

I am tired, though, and I worry, perhaps too much, about how living here could affect us in the long run, both legally and physically. Does that ever come across ;-)?

I’ll keep walking on here, but I’m worn from having to step on all the low, pointy tactics. I don’t care to ever hear another local talk radio host bring up, say, Catholic Charities of Boston. I’m tired of debates and panels where the other side should clearly be embarrassed about the display of their discernment and “facts”, and yet hold proudly to them. I’m sick of worrying our children will be hit with that side’s false pity for some handicap that does not exist, or their belief in the “idealness” of their family over that of our boys. I don’t want to hear another church official bemoaning the awful (and false) cost at which some European governments are treating gay-headed families with, of all things, the golden rule. I don’t feel I can stand another bit of sympathy for some silly beauty pageant contestant, in the face of thousands who can’t get their spouse and homemaker on their health insurance. It’s just frustrating that, to so many minds here, “defending marriage” means fighting the best aspects of it, and keeping people from their responsibilities, and from taking care of each other.

Yep, all old issues here, but it’s just bizarre, messed up, right? It's still somewhat of a puzzle, and I don’t want to feel, all my life, in order to protect my home I have to try to understand the hearts that hold such priorities; I don’t want to know anymore how people can do such direct harm to their neighbors with love on their lips. At least they ain’t burning us anymore—I do try to keep in mind it could be a lot worse here and we sure don’t have it bad relative to the average of the world—but I just don’t care to keep looking into that place at any level, and perhaps wish I could even forget some of its lessons about human nature.

Eh, while staying for another trip around the sun is the right thing to do, I’ll have some frustration to deal with, clearly :-); we both will. I’ll just have to try to find a way to better deal with it than I have, especially as Utah’s legislative session approaches again. It’s not going to be an easy year for my family on whole, in several ways, but at least our boys haven’t noticed a thing and being help to family in need is a great way to keep your mind on what matters most.

One last thing, I may not be around the blogs as much for a while. My free time is going to research the mechanisms behind corneal rejection as best as a non-M.D. D. can, and this new opportunity I’m taking will take a good deal of my attention. Nevertheless, thoughts and/or prayers for the best of outcomes, medically, politically, and socially (not to mention geographically), are always welcome.

The Glory of the Brightest Eye Blinking

2009-05-01T12:33:00.000-07:00

I've not been too much in a blogging mood lately, but they do start to feel like obligations. Maybe to break the spell I'll try going to the topic that I love best.

We were at the kids' school this morning to read to them. On Brian's class bulletin board they had colors and each kid had to describe them; for example, one kid had "Green is... like an apple growing". Alan didn't do this exercise but Brian did and I thought his answers were particularly evocative (even trying to imagine them without my obvious parental bias :-)):

Brown is... the spring mud oozing between my toes.

Orange is... a playful dog's warm fleece.

Purple is... the royal king swinging his cape.

White is... the glory of the brightest eye blinking.

Really, where do they come up with such things? I think we're raising a poet.

I don't like to post just on one kid without equal time, though, so... The other day I was at my computer and Alan was behind me with paper and scissors on the floor. He was abnormally quiet for the sort of kid Alan is, and after some time he tapped me on the shoulder and gave me this:
This work is entitled "Alan and His Papa Playing Together". For him to put that much attention and planning into a project he thought up himself was very special to me; it went right up above my desk. If I owned such green leggings and a purple onesie I'd wear them just to match the feeling I get from such works of art :-).

Evangelicals and Gays, Part III

2009-04-28T11:11:00.000-07:00

Fresh off the lovely MoHo party thrown last Saturday by Scott and Sarah (Thank you both for having us!), we hosted the evangelical group at our home last night. I should call up my friend who’s a Muslim and ask her to set up a group with them each month, just to fill out our calendar ;-). For an agnostic, maybe I keep unexpected company, but it’s appreciated company and I hope I’m learning with each step into the unknown or once known.

I had to do some convincing to get Rob to agree to host last night. The reasons why are probably obvious. They would, in fact, have been my reasons three months ago. I would have expected argument; I would have met them with images of the evangelicals protesting gay pride and LDS conference in mind. I’d certainly not trust such people around our children, or want them to know where we live. I mean, what if? Right?

Three meetings later, after hearing them out and breaking bread together (which, last night, were Rob’s terrific cookies), my old anticipation about these individuals is a source of embarrassment. They are good, friendly people, each the sort of person I’m glad and comfortable to have seated on our family room couch, and that’s saying something.

Reaching beyond the stereotypes and the vocal loons in both our camps was, in part, the theme of last night. Personally, I hope in posting on this, my experience may be some measure of evidence to those in the gay community who harbor similar fears, who may feel a chill when they hear the words “Evangelical Christian”. Those fears are every bit as unfair and unfounded, even if not nearly as legally deleterious to them, as the fears we face.

I suppose I’m not saying my guard is dropped, though. As I explained last night, I’ve no problem having a friend who think homosexuality is a sin, but once it crosses the line into practical, legal harm to my family, the sort they’d not want for their family, then there is only so close a relationship can get before my duties as a husband and father will force a certain distance. There are still vagaries to be dealt with in later meetings, and those who spoke were admittedly unclear on the politics. That was yet another repeating theme: the gays seemed concerned for the practical policy issues their families face, while it seemed the other side was focused on the religious issues.

It may seem we’ve already covered this ground, but it is complicated ground. We spent most the night trying to figure out how best to reach across the divide, to figure out what each community had to do for the other. I am hoping to speak up for the evangelicals, here and in the gay community in general, if I ever hear their names indiscriminately hissed out. One thing I was left impressed with was that they decided, without the gay group putting it out there, that the burden was primarily on their shoulder to reach out because of the political history. I was struck with the amount of willingness to step into our shoes that must have taken and hope they know, while I expect we should all make the effort, the realization of the asymmetry here is very much appreciated, refreshing.

One last thing… I can’t believe this is even a significant news story, but I guess I just don’t have the normal quantity of care for beauty pageants. The topic of the Miss California competition and Carrie Prejean came up last night (you can read on it here). For days now I’ve been thinking people were mispronouncing Paris Hilton’s name, but now I gather this Perez Hilton is a dude, one who seems to represent the gay community to a good number of minds. Anyway, we all agreed: asking the question was a poor choice; his blog response to her answer was simply stupid, and rude (OMG, a blog fight is serious news on gay marriage! :-)). This would be funny for it's silliness, but it seems some groups are still trying to make hay of this and use it to fight against equal marriage rights.

Look, I’ve no issue with her thinking or saying for her family or God marriage is between a man and a woman. Again, I get upset when a person advocates practical harm to their neighbor’s family, but I'd rather a person say it than keep it hidden. Nevertheless, her answer was factually incorrect and revealed a clear lack of knowledge on the topic. The first time I heard it I thought it was a parody and I have a hard time understanding how anyone doesn’t think it should have cost points. I mean, if not understanding of the issues, what are they graded on?

But again, it’s a beauty pageant! Sheesh. People are really fuming about this? The same people who are upset that a single person got second place instead of first in a pageant seem to be absolutely blind to the thousand’s of dollars extra thousands of families pay without marriage law. They seem blind to the legal safety nets they keep from under thousands of couples, parents, and children. They don’t freak out like this when a gay man can’t get claim to his deceased husband’s estate or when the parent of a child isn’t made legally responsible for that child because of their sex, and yet they’re upset about one girl not being Miss America? What odd priorities are those?

Thank goodness the vocal Christians on this one are not the sort of evangelicals I know. Also thank goodness they aren’t the sort to judge the gay community, or the fight for marriage rights, or my family on Perez Hilton.

There are so many pressures and easy excuses like this silly example pushing us all apart, it almost seems like a little miracle nights like last night happen at all.

Speaking of Curiosity...

2009-04-25T06:59:00.000-07:00

We had parent-teacher conference last night. I'm fighting off a bug but had to go; I don't think most parents could stand to get such information second hand. We all sit out there in the hall, nervously awaiting the verdict about our children's education, the details that are so hard to divine out of the accounts of 1st graders. They generally think the only salient events of their school day involve who brought what to lunch or who got in trouble :-).

We got there a bit early and Rob took a seat outside the door while I read through the adorable poems our kid's class had on their bulletin board in the hall.

From behind me I heard a boy, about the age of 12, come up and ask Rob, "Are you Brian's Dad?"

"Yes, my name is Rob; what's yours?"

The boy said his name and quickly and nonchalantly shot off, "Where's Brian's other dad?"

At that I turned around, a bit surprised an older kid we didn't know would come to ask that and so plainly. I said hi and introduced myself as he offered to shake hands. I recognized him by his mother's attention as the older brother of one of Brian's classmates, from a family we hadn't socialized with much.

Then he asked me where I work, followed quickly by "Which one of you was Brian's dad first?" This kid was quick with the questions. His mom interrupted before I could answer. She apologized, assuming the question was offensive. I assured her it absolutely was no bother, and we're used to such questions. Very often people assume one of us must have had our children in a heterosexual marriage, never considering we may have got together a decade before their birth. I just told the kid becoming fathers happened at the same time for us. His mom jumped in with an "Isn't that great?", one of those nice injections in casual conversation I've noticed other parents will give to let us know they're okay with our family. You just wouldn't say such things about heterosexual couples, and so it must be code :-).

At that, without pause, he went on to "What gym do you go to?" Giving him the benefit of the doubt--that this wasn't some stereotype ;-)--I told him, even though I probably should get some more exercise, we don't go to a gym, and that was that. He moved on to quizzing another set of parents waiting for their time with the teacher.

It turns out this adorably inquisitive and matter-of-fact kid goes to the same school and has some form of high-functioning autism. What stands out to me, of course, is the fact that another family there, one we don't know very well, seems to have felt fine discussing "two dads" with their children, and made clear to their kids that's okay, "great" even; though yeah, I know "great" means "okay" and it's just difficult to know how to put it :-). I eat such assurances up, knowing what they mean for our kids. Though his mom feared her son made us uncomfortable, I hope I got it across that I found the conversation heartening and found her son's forthrightness refreshing.

And on top of that, we left the conference inflated with the wonderful reports from their teachers. I keep going to these things nervous and leaving feeling ridiculous for the nerves, but what you gonna do? It's in my nature to be overly concerned about them. We do still have this "problem", I say, knowing full well I'll sound like one of those insufferable parents :-): "Brian is well above grade level in all areas", and Alan is "right where he should be, high first grade", and the problem is they tend to compare. But Alan has really blossomed into his own skills over this year.

At the end of each of these I always have to ask, just in case the teachers are too unsure how to bring it up, if our family is ever an issue or if there are any problems on that front we should be aware of. But nope, it's all clear, if not better than that. Heck, if our family ever needed to call independent witnesses for our defense, with the way their teachers talk, they would be the first people I'd call. Still and of course, I know we'll have to be vigilant and make some tough decisions to keep it this way, to keep them buffered from the rough waters of politics and religion out there.

Curiosity

2009-04-23T10:10:00.000-07:00

I've been going the rounds over on Evan's blog about gay parenting. It's taken up all my blogging time and so I'll just link to it as my mid-week post :-).

here

The post that spawned all that commenting kind of reminds me of the time Brian came home from school the first day and started running around the kitchen yelling "mommy, mommy", an event I related, here.

In Evan's post an account of one of Rosie O'Donnell's sons is related. In it he is said to ask why he doesn't have a father and that is used by Bill Maier to argue against same-sex parenting. Of course, a child's wondering about the way his family is should not be a big deal and no one would judge heterosexual families by celebrity parents (I hope); anyway, I went over all that in those comments.

Still, I'm kind of left wondering, if that truly is the case for the O'Donnells, why it hasn't been for us or really all the children of same-sex parents we know here I can think of (and you bet we nervously ask each other about such things at our monthly get-togethers). The topic only comes up with our kids if we bring it up, aside from that nothing of an event I mentioned above. Our kids simply show no idea there is a "thing" about our family's difference, and, frankly, while I'm happy for that, it's kind of surprising. I've been bracing for at least a tough question here or there. I remember even a jewish friend telling me how different she felt her family was early on here in Utah, but our kids just don't seem to notice and their classmates don't seem to care.

Maybe the fact that they aren't even curious about our difference is a bit more evidence that things are changing quickly, even in Utah. If only it happened a decade before we got here.

Weekend

2009-04-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

Not much of an event, as this is not an election year, but on Saturday we had the Salt Lake County Democratic Convention. Both Rob and I are delegates, and so we are both obligated to go and represent our neighborhoods, even if all we have to vote on is vice chair and maybe the secretary. Our chairman ran unopposed, but he's a good guy, brought into politics during the gay clubs fights many years ago. It just seems important for our representatives to see us involved, to keep us in mind; not to mention the fact that I want our caucus, the Stonewall caucus, to remain the largest in the county.

Because our only trusted baby sitters are out of town, the boys got to go and they were amazing in their patience and silence as candidate after candidate came through to ask for endorsements. To look at them you'd think they were 100% engrossed in their coloring, but Brian must have been listening as he asked me what "redistricting" means on the way home :-).

I hope they do take something away from such experiences. I hope they fold them into their future as a normal part of being a citizen. I have only been so involved in politics for about six years now, and it is clearly no coincidence that our boys are six years old. Their birth changed us in many ways, of course. I regret that it took becoming a parent to put a fire under me, but without them I'd probably be content as just another quiet guy, concerned mainly with what goes on in his home and his lab.

However... Sunday we spent the morning up in Ferguson Canyon. I used to spend a lot of time hiking and rock climbing up there with friends as a teen. Man, I remember going up there some weekend nights... It's a good thing I was always the designated driver, as wild teens and cliffs at night do not mix well even while sober :-). It's surprising, in retrospect, no one got seriously hurt. Anyway, it's one of our favorite places to take the kids nowadays.

We hiked up and sat by the stream and let the kids play with the dog in the water for about an hour. Nothing but the stream, my husband, a canopy of trees and the sounds of our kids playing... I just wish it didn't take Saturday to protect Sunday.

Meeting With the Enemy

2009-04-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

Daniel will soon be meeting with a person who, well, didn't like him being at BYU or speaking up as an out gay man. He wrote a great response and now she has reconsidered and is looking to meet face-to-face.

I've spent maybe too much time searching out such folks and well know that feeling of walking into a room where you're sure you'll face some of the most horrible ideas about you and yours. I'd not say I'm any good at it, but I still do it because the fate of my family depends on resolving this conflict. I can say though I have, more often than not, been very happy I got past the discomfort and just did it.

So, for what it's worth, what I have learned:

I'd not look at face-to-face meetings with opponents as a debate. It's absolutely different if you have an audience and you're both on a panel or something. In that case you'll need to get right to it and have organized data and research at the ready. In the time you have, your opponent is a lost cause and it's your audience with the open minds. You'll have to be defensive and watch out for tactics like having your positions defined before you get a chance. I know because I, long ago, was on a panel thinking of it like it was a person-to-person meeting and I got pwned by Gayle Ruzicka :-). Won't let that happen again.

However, I'd see first person-to-person meetings under such circumstances as a time to develop the rapport that will be needed to discuss such topics productively in the future. It's pretty clear why this issue is stressing for gays, and it's clear there's a great asymmetry in potency: no anti-gay rights activist has resorted to suicide because the gays get the same rights they have. Some of that difference and insensitivity to it may need to be swallowed at first and some punches may need be adsorbed.

So, I'd first look to hear her out. While our fears are clear, the other side seems to have many different triggers, each with different answers. I'd try to figure out why exactly this holds so much "emotion and frustration" for her, and even if the reasons are demonstrably baseless, I'd let a lot slide for a later meeting. Still, I do take all the information I'd need in a debate, but would leave it in my backpack or car until she seemed to be asking you for facts about a fear expressed or question asked.

In short, I think Daniel's instinct to stay away from politics for now is a good one. Once a foundation is set, then I'd go on to pleading my case in later interactions.

A couple other things:

It's natural to feel that fight or flight reflex when you know you're approaching a confrontation. I get butterflies every first meeting with anti-gay activists. However, this person in question didn't come off as a seasoned stone-hearted anti-gay activist in her letters; more like someone caught up in the Prop 8 fight? I'd keep in mind, if you get nervous, that she may be more afraid of you, thinking of you as some big Act Up in-your-face hostile queer; that always calms me down. Just don't picture them nude; that's exactly what they'd expect :-).

Also, I don't care to remember how many times I've felt a friendship build with such opponents, feel, by their words, we've come to an understanding and mutual respect, and then find they turn on me and my family and their kind words change when they think they're just talking to their side. It's tough for me to not become invested; I feel myself doing it again with the Evangelicals I've been meeting with. I'm just saying, I'd be friendly, and open, but remember some humans were even able to "love" the gays they were torturing to death to gain what they thought was a heaven-granting confession, and we're just talking about stuff like taxes and health insurance here.I'd not put too much of myself into such relationships, anymore.

Lastly, meet in public, of course. There are crazies out there. Don't meet on BYU's campus either. I hear there's a gay reeducation dungeon buried deep below the Cougar Eat, and you don't want to make it easy to be dragged anywhere ;-).

Been Busy

2009-04-13T08:13:00.000-07:00

Our boys recently had another belt promotion in their martial arts class. They are now "High-Yellows".

Brian, he may not yell the loudest or punch the hardest but he's all about the discipline and much more concerned for the technique:
So serious about it, he eagerly memorizes the forms and is almost too into the "discipline and self-control, Sir!", "courtesy and respect, Sir!" aspect of it. Each morning he hurries to do his list of chores to get check marks, which then go to gaining him stripes for his belt (His parents like that part of karate the best ;-)).

But, Alan, on the other hand, is about the power. He throws wild punches and swings his nunchucks like a furious little blender. Look at that face:

These twin sons we orbit give off such different light. But light is light and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's striking, when you think about it, how much revolves around your children. I'm sure every parent sees this. These boys practically own the hearts of many people beyond their parents. We were there at the belt promotion with the biggest cheering section of any student, from both sets of grandparents to a great aunt. It's unfortunate so many look at offering legal rights and responsibilities to our homes as just a gay issue, but that interdependence in so many lives makes defending what we have all the more important.

Then, of course, as anyone following this blog for years would know, Easter is a big holiday for our family. Rob and I are responsible for the activities. We hide hundreds of eggs:

Some of the eggs have prize tickets they can use on toys.
That stuffed animal dog Alan has there is named Pico Gwuasala, and he's Mexican, or so I'm told.

For the older kids I usually do some sort of word puzzle for the prized golden egg, but this year and after much complaining that my puzzles were too tough (e.g.), we did a survivor sort of thing, starting with a peep-elbow race:
They then played marbles with eggs (which is much more difficult than it sounds):
We also did a sudoku relay race (which was more fun than it sounds :-)), and in the final trial the three left standing were given a sack of materials to be built into protection for an egg dropped from the roof. Anyway, it was a great party.

Then, on Sunday, we had brunch with those closest to us:
It's funny, I know, for a gay man or any man for that matter, that I've been very lucky, blessed in the area of family, and weeks like this week really drive that point home. That's what makes the decisions that have to be made this summer so difficult, stressing. If only we were surrounded by homophobic jerks ;-).

Comics

2009-04-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

Hey, I'm hoping some of you can help.

Alan is really coming along with his reading recently, but we're having a hard time finding him material he enjoys reading rather than is coerced into reading. However, he loves action and superheros, and so I thought of trying some comic books to see if that would get him to look forward to reading.

Now, I know nothing about comic books, but I have the impression some who hang out around here have experience. Can anyone recommend something? It must be tame enough for a 1st grader, but have enough action to keep him interested. Thanks.

Two Things

2009-04-07T07:06:00.000-07:00

In the midst of my tub/sudoku ritual this morning I hear an unbelievable commercial on the radio. I thought it must be a parody. Then I searched the company's name and found that no, it's an actual company advertising on a Utah radio station. I could only find a tv spot:

Check out the web site: here.

"LIFE IS SHORT. HAVE AN AFFAIR.^™"

That's right, T *bleebing* M.

How can I raise my children in a world with such prurient and unchecked promotion of what I have to assume is the heterosexual lifestyle? There ought to be a constitutional amendment.

Okay, all joking aside, how terrible is that? People will mobilize to constitutionally keep loving couples, parents even, from having legal equality in rights and responsibilities, but over 3 million people are using this "dating" service for people, who may be legally married, but wouldn't know a marriage if it took their children and half of all they considered theirs. You have to laugh to keep from, well, the horrible reality of it.

Then I saw this story:

"Caption gaffe: Apostates, instead of Apostles 'worst possible mistake'"

A BYU paper listed the 12 apostles as the 12 apostates. I'm sure the FLDS see it as God working through Word's spell checker, but it's probably just a silly mistake.

However, "the 12 apostates" did give me an idea.

I'll be accepting resumes through the week.

We are looking for charismatic, dynamic go-getters. Applicants must have strong leadership skills, but must also be able to work in a group. Those with any remnant of goodness or decency left in them need not apply.

Applicant must have at least 2 years of professional experience undermining the cherished beliefs of others, or equivalent experience in a 4-year degree in Gender Studies or Evolutionary Biology. Must show working knowledge of the Necronomicon, Excel, and PowerPoint. Multilingual a plus.

Eleven positions are open in this elite, super secret and diabolical organization. Apply now!

Good Times

2009-04-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

For each year of our boy's life, and even through the process of becoming parents, I've gathered all our many pictures and videos and put them to music on dvd. I swear they must be the most photographed children in history; it would probably take a good 6 hours to watch all those dvds.

Yesterday they were off with their grandparents and so I decided to start on the 6 to 7 year video. A couple days ago Brian told me this song was his "favorite song ever, because it's Icelandic" :-):

Which is cool, because I like the song too. So I started out with that and then looked to add our pictures. I found that the first photos from that month just happened to be from our legal marriage in California, last August.

Remember that? How nice that was before we knew how the story would progress?

This year will forever begin in our family record with that wonderful weekend.

It made me laugh, looking over those photos again. What a great couple of days; it seemed like we'd finally made it over the hill and time would quickly take care of the rest. We were actually in a place where, if something happened to me, I knew my family would be treated as family should be treated. Sure, it wasn't the whole load off, but it was some relief, and I felt I could let down my guard.

And it didn't end there. What a great month: married in Ca, helped my cousin with her art exhibit in Helper, attended a nephew-in-law's wedding in Moab, and had our huge family reunion in Sun Valley. It was a near perfect month, made all the better by the fact that I knew my husband and kids had this added bit of legal protection.

I'll put the video of August I have below, though you'll have to imagine in the song (Not yet in my life have I violated copyright law, and I'm kind of hoping to avoid it just to see if I can :-)).

Anyway, that's what I want to get back to. I finished putting this video together from our August marriage to our February Hawaii trip and it really put what has happened this year into condensed perspective; each snap shot fading in and out in seconds jogs the memory of weeks.

I watched this video as it makes it to November and past, and read those two posts after Proposition 8 won (or, heck, most of my posts since) and can see this sense of being pathetically unable to protect my family take hold in me, and I feel I'm just now getting a hold on it, even though I naively thought it'd be a matter of days back on November 5th. So, yeah, thank you for your patience :-). It's taken too long but I will reassemble an optimistic sense of fairness, my sense of the public's standards of evidence, and my sense of what to expect from strangers. I'll reassemble where I was 8 months ago.

If Ca doesn't decide soon, maybe we should just head off to Iowa; speed up the process :-).

Class Warfare

2009-04-03T06:59:00.000-07:00

So, again, last Tuesday we spoke to a class about the family up at the U. We've done this a number of times, about once a year since our boys were born.

Gayle Ruzicka of Utah's Eagle Forum, Paul Mero of the Sutherlan Institute, and a couple other anti-marriage equality activists had already spoken to the same class. We were there to make the case for marriage for gay and lesbian couples.

I don't think there's much point in going over the arguments. I've got all my arguments for marriage up in detail and with many referees here and here, and my counter arguments to people like Mrs. Ruzicka and Mr. Mero here. So I'll just go over what stuck out to my mind then:

--I thought Senator McCoy made a good closing remark. Something to the tune of "If you pay attention to their arguments, you'll see all they have is fear. Don't buy into their fear." They have predictions of the family crumbling, church's being forced to close, and such, and those do sell. They have scared a lot of people (Look at Beck's experience, with a S.I. follower for a great example). No, we can't in good concious make similar threats, even if they work. But I have to think, especially when their predictions are so demonstrably false is places with equal rights, that hope for equality and facts will win the day.

--We were talking about how legal marriage helps give gay men and women a path and structure on which to build strong relationships, as it does for many heterosexuals. The topic of gay promiscuity came up and was related to the fact that most all gay men are not guided into dating or responsible relationships, like straight men often are, by their parents, church, or society. I brought up the fact that, when I came out, my parents expected nothing different of me, and I feel that's one of the biggest reasons I've only ever had one sexual partner. Out of the audience then came the observation that Gayle Ruzicka has had more sexual partners than I have, that she's been divorced! If true, I wish, the next time we're in the same room, I could muster the sort of "I love you all but you're so-called family is a civilization-destroying abomination" thing she puts off. Ah, but who am I kidding? I may have thought that way about divorce when I was a young Chrstian and took the Bible's word on it (That's Mat 5:32, and Mal 2:16, Gayle ;-)), but, even if divorced, I'm sure she has a good reason for her family choices, reasons for which I'll even want to give her the sort of rights and responcibilities she'd not return.

--That other team must be losing it. They must see that long arc of history doesn't have much further to go for the gay community (For example, Iowa!). It came up a couple times how the students felt the anti-marriage equality group came there ranting, angry, and were even belligerent on some questions. They were relieved we weren't the same way. Heck, I always go to these things and encourage the students to ask the tough questions, those they're afraid to ask right up front; I told them to feel free to "rough us up a bit". One student observed that the other side really didn't even present anything like a cogent argument as much as fear mongering, which made me feel good to be there with the research under my belt collected for isocrat.org.

--Lastly, we've got some great folks in our local gay community; there were about 4 other people on the pannel with me and they all brought something unique and important to the table. Thank goodness, because they don't teach us scientists how to do speaking or politics particularly well :-).

Popcorn in Coffee

2009-04-01T10:23:00.000-07:00

Last night we spoke to a class at the U about marriage. Gayle Ruzicka of Utah's Eagle Forum, and Paul Mero of the Sutherlan Institute spoke to the same class a week before and we were to give the other side.

I'm sure I'll get into that some other time, but, this being April Fool's day, I'm pretty sure I'm required to keep from the serious on a blog post.

However, I can't think of anything funny and so I'll aim for cute :-).

While we were talking to the class, Brian was "working" on my computer. When we were done I came to find a couple stories and poems that I think are in need of publication:

Chapter 1(The Sick Bunny)
The Sick Bunny
The bunny threw up.He was sick. He went to the doctor.The doctor couldn’t find any thing wrong.
So the bunny went back home.He ate three jelly beans.The next day he woke up,brushed his teeth
and ate breakfast.He felt really better!He took the whole day without any sickness.He lived happily
ever after.The end.

Chapter 2(Tree Seasons)
Tree Seasons
In the spring my tree begins green.
In the summer my tree puts on a green cloak.
In the fall my tree puts on brown, yellow and red.
In the winter my tree is the color black.

Chapter 3(Popcorn)
Popcorn
Pop,pop, pop, on the pan.
I smell popcorn that is tan.
So,so salty.
I wonder what it taste
like in coffee.

I had to delete some as he began writing a poem about our last name :-). Also, no; gay parents do not let their 6-year-old children drink coffee. It seems it's just a the first word that came to mind when finding a rhyme with 'salty'. Nor do we give our child jelly beans to cure sickness, though they may want a world in which they got that instead of Children's Motrin :-).

Evangelicals and Gays Part II

2009-03-31T04:55:00.000-07:00

Last night we met with the evangelical group once more; it's a monthly thing now.

And get this: This bridge-building meeting of evangelicals and gays was held in the home of a lesbian couple, the same home in which Gordon B. Hinckley, president of the LDS church, was born and raised. He was actually born on the floor in the room adjacent to the one in which we were all sitting. I have to doubt he ever thought that a lesbian couple would ever be sleeping in his parent's bed room, or that a bunch of gays and evangelicals would be socializing in his living room, some drinking a glass of wine no less :-).

Anyway, I have to say there's a soft spot in my heart for evangelicals--there's something about their form of faith that comes off as charming and cheery in a way I don't often see. All that aside, these people we've been meeting with seem to be really good, charitable and friendly people, and I've enjoyed building these relationships both before and after we get down to moderated business.

Simply, it's a shame there's this wall between the gay community and them, and that's what we were there to feel our way around (or to find if there is a way around).

Last night actually seemed more tense than the first meeting. I think the problem was that we had such a good first meeting. There was more friendship there to break, and we were to be discussing the touchy topic of the use of the Bible and God's view of homosexuality.

The simple fact is they believe, as a matter of faith, homosexuality is a sin.

It seems at this point, though, we became three groups: 1. the evangelicals, 2. the christian gays and lesbians, and 3. the agnostic/atheist gays and lesbians. Group 1 and 2 are concerned about reconciling matters of scripture, and I can certainly see how important that could be to them. Much of the meeting was spent working through that centuries long debate.

Group 3, though, well, I'll just speak for myself. I don't much see the need in going over all that. Not that I won't with some hope; goodness knows I've weathered many arguments over Leviticus and Romans. It just seems to be a problem too big to be solved in a lifetime. It's a matter of faith, and there's no proof to be given.

I was aiming--I don't want to say lower--but elsewhere.

I told them I don't mind if they think homosexuality is a supernatural sin. I don't; I've had plenty of experience being friends (and family) with folks who think that way. The preacher there was reluctant to go where the scriptural conversation was going, knowing it could turn friendship towards hostility, but I wanted him to know his faith would not be held against him by me. I only care that doesn't translate into incivility or practical action against my family in politics or on the street. I care that he doesn't debase our family to our children, but, being adults, I'm sure we can disagree on this and still get along. I only care that the faith doesn't end in him treating me in way he'd not want to be treated.

We ran out of time, but that is the question I'm left with for next month. How do we get from A to C without agreeing on B? Is it possible?

Anyway, these are very nice people and I'm glad to get to know them. We are both minorities here, though, and both have trouble with a larger group. I wish the LDS church was open to such meetings and we could have, say, a bishop come to something like this, just as we had the head of an evangelical ministry there last night. Hey, we could even offer them a tour of Hinckly's childhood home :-).

Thaw

2009-03-29T15:05:00.001-07:00

Utah's weather is something I'm accustom too, but the winters are about a month too long for us. Worse, the state always has that one last annoying snow storm, one that comes after a week of 60 degree weather makes you think spring has finally taken hold. Today was one of those storms.

In anticipation, though, and not wanting to be bored of winter anymore, we took the kids into the mountains to go sledding yesterday. Enjoy it before it's gone, instead of feeling tired of it.

Though a snowball fight with his brother left Brian with an ear full of snow (remember how painful that was as a kid? :-)), it was a great antidote for this one last cold spell, kind of analogous to how I hope to weather future storms here, before the thaw.

Also, check out our cool new sled :

It wore out too easily, though:

Cheap Shot

2009-03-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

I watched this video the other day and ended up making a fool of myself in front of my husband when I tried to explain it to him.

Yes, it's a cheap emotional shot... But if you are a parent and it made you do what it made me do, then you, after regaining composure, have just given your kids an inexplicably long hug, which was the aim of this sappy post.

My Neighbor and Me

2009-03-26T06:11:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel I'm focusing too much on the LDS church here; I'm hoping to fix that.

The thing is, as a young kid the LDS church was like a friend of a friend, or a friend of family. Eh, call him Larry, Larry Daysaints. He ran the neighborhood, and on whole was a pretty good guy. I liked and revered and followed his father, Bob Protestantsen, and grew up in a school with Bob as my teacher (stick with me here :-)). I suppose I wasn't really clear there was a difference between the two men at such a young age.

When Larry told me there was a difference, though, I decided to give him a shot. I befriended him, then I revered him, and then I believed his every word. I'd come to find though, I couldn't trust his every word and so returned to following Mr. Protestansen. For a while, in my teens, I thought Larry had evil motivations, in his trying to pull me away from following Mr. Protestantsen, but eventually concluded that the Daysaints had good hearts and were just honestly mistaken. After all, I started to notice very similar problems with the older Bob. I eventually decided to not believe everything either of them said.

Then I went through puberty and found I wasn't like the rest of the boys. Bob and Larry would have had a problem with that, but Larry and I had already cut ties and I knew Bob had problems of his own. So who cares what they think, right? And that was that for many years.

I got married, and we moved to get my MS in California. I hardly noticed we left Larry and Bob in the old neighborhood, and really got comfortable rarely realizing being gay was an issue any more pressing than my eye color. Still, I had fond feelings for both old neighbors, and in fact still respected them from afar (or respected what I remembered of them).

Then it came time to become parents and we wanted to raise our kids around family, and so we moved back to Utah, back to having Larry as our neighbor, which I naively didn't give much of a worry. Outside my neighborhood, Larry controls very little and I was used to that, but in Utah it's different.

So we were blessed with children, and suddenly I started hearing rumors, or more accurately I started noticing it much more. Larry smiles to our face and says horrible things about me and my husband to the other neighbors; it turns out he always had and it just didn't hit me hard when it was just some old guy spouting off about something he knew nothing about, but, when aimed at my marriage and kids, that made a difference. And yes, I know, friends had told me he was a jerk but I thought that was just a temporary mistake or a lapse on Larry's part; we all make mistakes.

Then he started putting insults right to our faces, lawn signs in his yard aiming at us. It was not just in his private neighborhood meetings anymore, and, worse, he began publicly insulting our kids. Of course he claims it's all for our own good, constructive criticism, tough neighborly love or something, but who does he think he's fooling, right? How would he like it if I treated his family like that? I got upset, and told him we're officially not friends anymore, but, of course, he didn't much notice.

Then--would you believe it--Larry starts asking the neighborhood to work to harm my husband and kids and many other families of friends we love. He's telling us he doesn't hate us or disrespect us, no; it's just that families (if he'd even use the word for us) like ours, having equal rights to Larry and his wife, well, that upsets him. He says he's just defending family and marriage by harming us and doesn't get how his choices could ever be disrespectful or immoral. He can't seem to understand we are all for marriage and family too and to insinuate we are not... well, I'd rather be called faggot to my face. It all came to a head when he made himself instrumental in an attempt to annul my legal marriage last November, with the help of other neighbors and distorted facts about what has happened in neighborhoods where we are treated with equality.

Then, when I confronted him about his behavior, he acts all offended and goes on about his rights and being persecuted, complaining about my incivility and lack of respect for him. Weird, right?

Anyway, I digress.

So I've got this bizarre long-history with this neighbor I once liked but who has now turned himself into a great source of harm for my family, and I don't know what to do with it. For months since the election, I find myself waking up about once a week at night worrying what he's going to do to my family next. I know, behind the scenes, he's still plotting against us. It's making me paranoid. He's already expressed interest in our children, and has shown his power and influence with his interest in our marriage. But it doesn't have to be that big; what if he starts spreading more lies to my family? Instructing them? Many of them are torn and some will do whatever he tells them. What about what he's doing to the gay children in his home? I hate to bring it up in a lighthearted metaphor like this, but what gay man in Utah doesn't know a kid who killed himself here?

If Larry was feeling sad because I stopped taking notice of him or what he had to say for all those years, he should be pleased; he has tight hold of my attention now.

And that's what I'm hoping to change. I'm thinking of him too much. It's like the year our mailbox was blown up, Christmas decorations slashed with a knife, and we were left, on our doorstep, a cryptic handwritten letter about us turning to Christ, in Spanish (true story :-)); each little bump I heard at night, sounded like those vandals trespassing again. Similarly, after our last year with the LDS church, I'm thinking too much of them trespassing into our home, our most sacred unions again. Sure, we have real conflict but I'm also seeing conflict where there is likely none.

I want to stop that and go back to our old neighborly relationship, before all this. I want my neighborhood back, to feel like my home again, not some bully's territory. I want neighbors who say they're sorry when they harm us, instead of "stop hitting yourself". I don't want to be suspicious anymore of people who count Larry as a friend. I even want to like quirky old Mr. Daysaints again, if he'd just live and let live.

So, while we have to be in his neighborhood, I'm going to try to turn my attention away from his every insult and political maneuver, on this blog and in the real world. I'm going to try to ignore proclamations in my brother's home, and CTR rings on my child's finger... treat it like the inappropriate words that come out of the mouths of my older relatives. It's certainly not that I find the behavior any less objectionable, but I don't want to spend as much time thinking about it, worrying the next time Larry walks by he'll salt our lawn, or tell my children they're of inferior moral character to other kids, or something. We'll deal with it when he does.

So what do you think is a fair goal? Only one post about Larry per week, month? How does one go back to those pre-prop 8 days, anyway? Seems a lot of us around here want to know.

Proclamation

2009-03-24T05:03:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday we were invited to my nephew's mission homecoming. While several of my siblings' families have had sons return from missions, I think this may have been the first we were personally invited to by the parents. To be clear, I don't think we were not invited to other such events out of hostility. I imagine LDS church functions are a difficult subject for some family to bring up, even if we see eye to eye, and so they assume we'd prefer not to come or that we'd just hear about it through my parents and decide to come or not. Heck, things get lost in the mail and as phone messages too. Point is, the specific personal invitation made me feel we should go to this.

Going, though, presents a problem for us too. While I want to celebrate my nephew's return, there's the whole issue of a church that threw the first stone, one that teaches that my family is inferior, fights hard to politically harm the people I love most, and even tells its members our children are defective and questions their moral character... I can't celebrate my nephew's conversion of people to that way of thinking, any more than a mixed race family could celebrate the same back in the 60's when the LDS church was aiming at them. I also can't feel right taking my children into a church building and telling them to show respect to a place in which they and their family are slandered and plotted against.

I wish things were as they were when I came out and there wasn't this whole history of LDS involvement in Proposition 8, or Amendment 3, or on and on. Back then, going to a LDS church building would not have felt such like a betrayal to my home. I can take sitting though doctrine which I don't buy, but when that doctrine has aimed to do such harm to us, how can I take my family there, right? How could I risk my kids hearing something like what was heard at my sister's wedding?

So, it's another tricky family/faith decision. We ended up with a good compromise, though. We made the two-hour drive two-hours late, missing the church service, and meeting up to celebrate with my family back at my brother's home.

One thing, however... I walked into my brother's home and noticed he had framed and hung the "proclamation on the family" in his kitchen. He's in a new home, but I never noticed this in his old home. I suppose he must have it up, being the bishop, or maybe he agrees with it wholeheartedly now. Maybe he interprets it unconventionally as innocuous when it comes to his brother's family, as some around these parts have suggested.

I don't know; I was under the impression he was all for equal rights. As with that wedding, I wasn't about to make an issue of it there, though. All I know is that that "proclamation", with all its subtle and not-so-subtle language, has been often used as a weapon by church leaders and laymen alike against my family. It has been used to try to excuse harm to those I love most and to insult my children and my marriage on both real and supernatural scales. And it's framed and it's hanging in my brother's home.

I have to wonder how they'd react if I hung a proclamation in my home that states the unions of my siblings are inferior, threatening them that they will be "accountable to God" for violating "the family". What if I framed a paper and hung it in my kitchen, for them and their children to see, that encouraged governments to resist support of LDS marriages and families? I would, of course, never do that. I, of course, love and respect their families, but would they even come to my home, if I were similarly "pro-family"?

I'd like to think it's all unintentional. Who knows?

But, yeah. I'm not whining about anything new here. It's difficult. It's complicated. For all. Et cetera...

To be clear, I'm not saying I'll refuse to go to my siblings' homes and risk alienating family that has no ill intent because of such displays; we'll just be there feeling we are merely tolerated, which may, in fact, be part of the message intended by those encouraging LDS members to display such a thing. Also, yes, I know it could be a lot worse, and I know it is for many gay men and women.

It would just be nice to go without the wedges that strangers in the LDS HQ push down into my family with these "pro-family" proclamations from on high. It would be nice to just have the simplicity of typical family differences ;-).

Phase Change

2009-03-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

Travel Advisory: Severe Navel Gazing Ahead.

It seems a defining habit of mine, one that I can often see play out here, has to be my way of dealing with threat. Typically, my emotions won’t run their course until I feel the threat has passed. As I've written before, if we hear a bump in the night, I never feel fear; instead I methodically search the house like it's a game. I don’t first feel sadness over the death of our family dog; I go calmly hunting for the coyote that killed him. When Rob and I suffered loss trying to become parents; it would be weeks later before I did all I could to get us back on track and I could finally relax my drive and let that loss run me over.

I'm not complaining; when I whiteness the options on other human models, I’m glad I’m built how I am. I experience happiness in real time, and negative emotions are delayed until dissolved by the solution I find, or at least dulled by the realization of the problem’s irreversibility. It’s probably why I’m one of the happier people I know.

Trouble is, though, I look back now and I see I’ve keenly felt my family has been under threat in Utah since we became parents, six years ago. That’s a long time to be putting off, to be vigilant. In that time I have, of course, tried to fix the problem. Maybe it's because people don't know us? Maybe it's because they don't have the facts? Maybe it just takes political energy? I can take all that on, right? They make me feel I can take anything on. So I worked on everything from isocrat.org to political campaigns… so many editorials (you catch my last one? ;-)). Each little bit making me feel like I'm doing something to protect them and each, of course, too small to dent such a huge problem.

I’m hunting that damned coyote, and have been for a long long time.

Recently, Proposition 8, the “Common Ground” losses, the increased local social hostility, the "love" "respect" and "civility" of those aiming to harm us legally... all that really stepped it up an order of magnitude for me this year. That's a lot to hold for later, and it hit me harder than I noticed, and I noticed a good deal.

I can see myself trying to go back to my habit, the day after the vote, and put off feeling it until I fix it. However, I know I can't fix this one--it takes time and many more people--and I've written that before, but I have to get it through my head. This often helpful habit of mine has become a dam on this issue, holding back six years of GLBT political weather and last year we had record rainfall. And yeah, I know, it has been cracked and has been leaking all over my blog (me and my metaphors... :-)).

Funny thing is I didn't realize the extent to which I'm tired of this fight until someone in power yesterday, out of the blue, offered to help me and the gay community in a little corner of local government. It just took someone to offer to help to make me realize I needed it, like someone offering to take my place at a guard post; only then I felt how tired I was.

Then, as if the universe was trying to drive home the point that I can't win against such threats, we found a neighborhood cat yesterday, killed in our yard by the material forms of my metaphorical threat, those coyotes (Apologies to new readers here who don't understand why I'm going on about coyotes. These animals have been a long time issue with our neighborhood, and my reaction to them strikes me as similar to my reaction to political threats here in Utah; just search the blog :-)). I guess the fauna indigenous to Utah, be they in the wild or in our wild legislature, won't be caught and won't stop following their instinct, and so I can't keep dealing with it like it was just any other one-time threat with a solution I could reach if I only focus more, work on it more, put off anger just another day.

Anyway, to be responsible for a gay-headed family in Utah… I fear if we lived the rest of our lives here, I’d be waiting the rest of our lives to finally let the water out of that dam. But don't get me wrong. This may sound like a gloomy post, but it just took letting it out with Rob and I'm in good spirits. I'm just realizing more and more that I can't treat this problem like others we might face, and am writing this down in the hopes it will eventually sink in.

Graphs

2009-03-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

I recently updated the isocrat.org page on the marriage stats in jurisdictions offering same-sex union rights, here.

For some reason, I get a lot of folks linking to this blog on posts where I have the old versions of these images (if you're one of them, I'd recommend using the isocrat.org images as they get updated). Here I'll just put up the new figures, for anyone wanting to use them, but they are described and analyzed and updated on that page. References to the sources of the data are there too.

Finally a couple more on public opinion, discussed here.

You gotta love graphs, right? Any suggestions as to how to make them more visually friendly/informative?

A Not-So-Grave Marker

2009-03-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

Brian asked if he could go outside this morning with a piece of tissue in one hand and a paper in the other; I said yes and watched him go out to the garden and back. When he came back in I went out to find this monument:
This post is dedicated to all those ants needlessly killed by bathwater each year.

What I'll Miss, A

2009-03-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I left work early to go with the boys to a Birthday party for one of their classmates. It was at a Laser Tag arena and the mom wanted all the parents to play along with the kids, and we all had more fun that I would have anticipated. The parents ended up agreeing we should leave the kids home next time :-).

I even took the top score, by 30 hits, and won some "my dad is better than your dad" points for the boys :-). Anyway, if in war against a bunch of seven-year olds and 30/40-somethings, I'd totally be victorious.

Having such a good time, laughing, and comparing score cards with other parents... It made me think, though, of what a gamble moving is. Our boy's school has a great bunch of parents and kids, most all of which haven't a problem with our family being there. Many have become our friends... well more Rob's friends, as he, as Room ~~Mom~~ Parent, interacts with them more.

Sure, we've had some new discomfort recently, aside from the big political and familial issues. Our boys have play dates easily and almost no parents seem to have a problem... But the mom of Brian's best friend has been awfully difficult to agree to anything--she even took a month to return a call--and who knows why. We've also noticed things have changed around our neighborhood since November. I'd like to think we were being paranoid, but it really does seem the more devout LDS have stopped returning our waves and the less devout have stopped socializing; we used to spend long whiles talking but now they seem to be uncomfortable and cut our conversations short. Eh, it's either paranoia or the discomfort that can come when around a neighbor you know knows what your chosen church is trying to do to his family. Maybe that wedge is inevitable. I mean, I'm sure I'd feel uncomfortable talking to my LDS neighbors if a community to which I belonged was out to legally harm their families, and annul their marriages, even if I didn't agree with my group.

The trouble is that we do have some really good connections here, which I hope we can reproduce. In whole Utah is harmful to us, but it's what we know, and there are parts that are great and that I hope we can take with us. Wherever we end up, I'll hope we end up with a great group of children and parents in our kids school, those we can socialize and laugh with as the kids open presents and eat cake, those that don't worry about our kids and our family being treated equally at school. That and I'll also hope for parents who can't show me up in front of my boys at Laser Tag :-).

Twin, King, Queen

2009-03-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

I left Hawaii too soon, in a couple of ways.

I forgot about what I found to be a funny bit of history repeating. I didn't even mention that the last time we were in Hawaii was on our Honeymoon, 13 years ago. Just look at those hansom young men :-):
Last week we went to the same attractions and swam in that same waterfall. We stayed in a hotel just a short walk down the beach from where we stayed on our honeymoon. The kids got a kick out of the family history--really, they did--and I loved driving home the point for them that their parents have been stable for longer than even the beach in front of our new hotel had existed.

Something has bugged us though, just a little bit, about our honeymoon for a long time now.

The night we checked into the first hotel on our honeymoon we found our reserved room had two double beds; this, it goes without saying, was disappointing :-). Fortunately, the hotel had an extra room with a king. I just thought they made a mistake and I asked to switch. That's fine; everyone makes mistakes, I thought.

Then the next hotel we stayed in (well, it was more of a B&B) the exact same thing happened; we were reserved a room with two tiny beds and they had no other rooms this time, and so we were 1950's Ozzie and Harriot the rest of the trip.

How could this happen twice, when it had never happened to us before? I was frustrated and asked the front desk how that happened. They looked at their notes and said our travel agent was very specific in requesting a room with two double beds. I then, curious, had to call the first hotel and they said the same thing; our travel agent requested it and they even referred to her by name.

To book our honeymoon we used a travel agent that had booked vacations for my family for many years. Up to then, though, Rob and I had made our own travel arrangements as a couple. She lived in our neighborhood and was LDS but, again, back then I was quite naive about all that and didn't think she'd have a problem helping us. She was always very friendly and congenial to our faces, even though she knew who I was marrying and even after I told her our trip was for our honeymoon. When asked about the double beds when we got back, her excuse was that she just wasn't thinking, but, well, that's kind of hard to believe; I'm pretty sure the purpose of the trip stood out in her mind :-).

Regardless, the point of this anecdote (that, okay, isn't my best): Having separate beds for part of our honeymoon, and the thought that it may have been purposefully done has annoyed me for a while now... And it never happened on a trip again in the 13 years since, until we got back to Hawaii and into our rooms and saw this:
Just like old times... But this time it was the Hotel's fault, and it was good for a laugh. Now that event doesn't much bother me; Double beds were almost romantic, given the history :-).

Wedding Crasher

2009-03-07T10:58:00.001-08:00

Well, it didn’t take long for trouble to find me back here in Utah.

I did not sleep all night on the red-eye flight back from Hawaii, and my sister was getting married the day we got home. By the time I had to be there for pictures I was in that fuzzy sleep-deprived state that I remember from our boys’ infancy. Which is fine; the twins taught me I can go months in that state :-), and I was happy to be there.

All my brothers and sisters were there and it was nice to see them outside the usual holidays; we met up in the mezzanine of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. My sister, the bride, was to be married there and not in the temple as her first husband died long ago. That building holds very fond memories for my family. As a kid we used to go there for dinner every Christmas Eve, back when the LDS church ran it as a hotel (with a big bar and all :-)). I would come to find, however, I don’t much feel welcome there anymore.

She looked beautiful, and, as I always do at weddings, I got caught up in the emotion of it as our dad walked her down the isle. But then everything went downhill. The LDS Bishop, literally in his first sentence, started out by going off on marriage for gay couples . He said that the institution of marriage was under attack, and “the family” was being “mocked”, but look how lucky his audience is to know the value of a real marriage. He read from the President of the LDS church, quoting that marriage between a man and a woman is the only union that’s ordained by his God, and I’m fine with him thinking that, but he went on to say how only that union contributes to society and only that union raises healthy children. The guy was disparaging our children, and my marriage, and as a matter of course in his wedding ceremony for my sister. Furthermore, this sister has a newly out gay child, who I could see tense up as the man spoke.

I'm left wondering if this is part of other LDS Bishops' marriage ceremonies?

I actually considered I might be dreaming, being so tired and out of sorts (who'd do that while performing a wedding, right?) but a hand on my leg by another sister brought me back to knowing this was an actual event. She, a very faithful LDS woman too, leaned over and whispered she loved me and my family and that she believed my family matters too. She wanted me to know the Bishop wasn’t speaking for her. Just then I noticed my mom, a couple seats away. I heard her voice and looked over. She was visibly upset, and I could hear her voicing her objections to our dad. It sure did feel like a dream.

I tried to get back into the spirit of things as the Bishop finally got away from political attack to the actual ceremony. This was my sister's wedding and I knew where she stood and I'd not let this jerk get in the way. Funny thing is he actually gave some of the same advice I do. Then we all cheered as the couple was presented and the bride was kissed. But I knew that was not the end of it.

As the crowd dispersed, I decided my sister's wedding day was not the time to get into a political argument with her bishop. I just hoped she was too nervous to notice what he said. However, I know my dad as well as anyone, and I knew he was going to come to a different conclusion. I searched him out in the dispersing crowd, to head him off. I've had to get between him and anti-gay advocates before. I’m grateful to have such an advocate and friend in my father, but I asked him to not make an apparent issue of this at the wedding and he agreed he’d only take the Bishop aside quietly. That he did, and it was a good thing it was done in a quiet corner of the room, as the Bishop said worse and made it clear he wasn’t misheard or misunderstood.

As they were at it, an in-law came up and apologized for the Bishop, and I realized everyone probably felt the hostility in the man; it wasn't just my close family. Worse, as I went up to give the bride a congratulatory hug, she apologized as well and said she was thinking of us through the ceremony because of the guy’s words. That’s what burned off my dreamy haze and finally got to my temper. I’m so used to such “loving” assault on my family from the LDS church that I took it as just another arrow from just another sanctimonious stranger… but to think this worry had to be brought into my sister’s mind during her wedding, when she should have been thinking of her union and the importance of the ceremony. That’s just horrible; real pro-family and pro-marriage of the guy, right?

Of course, some family didn’t acknowledge any of that. I bet some agreed with that Bishop, maybe not with all the legal ramifications of their church’s position but with the spiritual superiority of their family over their brother’s, at least. They were off socializing together, probably thinking it unfortunate we had to hear the tough love “truth”, but that it was good for us? It doesn't really matter.

In the crowd I eventually ran into my mom and she gave me a hug and I could see she had been crying. I was glad to see it wasn’t just for me as I’d hope she knows I can and do take far far worse than that :-). She was with her gay grandchild and was upset about us both sitting through that. I told her not to worry about me, but I know, as a parent myself, that’s kind of useless. Regardless, gay relatives and supporters eventually coalesced at our table, and we enjoyed the company and the rest of the evening. But the wedge in our family was palpable.

I often defend my LDS family against non-LDS family, even before I came out and even as an agnostic. It’s how they make it through the day and how they feel significant and secure in the world and their hoped-for world to come. I remember what it’s like and if they enjoy thinking obeying some organization during their brief time here will lead them to being immortal gods and goddesses, why should anyone pull threads from that sweater? But when those beliefs become attached to others that hurt and demean my family and my kids, I have a hard time trying to get the side that supports and loves us to see the point of view of the other.

I still, however, try to keep peace. Should I? Half way through the night a very LDS brother-in-law approached me and told me he has always respected the way I’ve juggled family in this area, but it kind of made me feel like I've sacrificed what's right for peace. Should I have felt like my dad and went for confrontation, even at my sister's wedding?

I’m in an odd position in my family. So often my home is the issue, though not the only issue, that causes LDS family to harden up and, as often, I’m the one who tries to connect both sides. It feels as though, perhaps with too much self-importance, that if I’m not the ambassador and just treated those family members like I would any stranger who supported a group that attacks my family, then a future split in the larger family would be on my shoulders, my fault. I’m a bone of contention that thinks at least he can be the link that brings together the two beasts pulling on it :-).

Or maybe any bone of contention is just a source of, well, contention and all would be happier if it snapped, halted attempts to smooth over? Even though I can’t get angry with the other side—I know they’re under significant psychological pressures here—maybe, again, we should act as though we were angry, for the sake of both sides. I mean, I’m sure most LDS at that wedding would have been much happier to have only folks there who’d nod in agreement when told how superior their families and children are, and I don’t want to be an issue at my sister’s wedding.

I also hate how it can bring out a similar ugliness in me. I love my sister, and respect and support her union, but I admit the thought crossed my mind: how can her Bishop insult our 16-years together and 6-years of parenting, while performing a marriage after for a person who has divorced twice and is well past the age to raise children. I adamantly want her to have all the same legal rights and privileges and responsibilities I want to have for my family in marriage, but, if the Bishop wants to argue which marriage will produce more for society, then these “ideal family” arguments cut both ways. Fact is we should not be measuring our sibling’s or our neighbor’s marriage like that and especially on bias about inborn traits like sex, but that’s the weapon the LDS church wants to use here, making it hard not to pick it up as well. I regret feeling that temptation.

Anyway, how should people socialize with siblings who choose to belong to a group that teaches that their children are somehow defective? Should people even go to a building owned by a group that wants their family to be legally invisible or second class because of their sex, and has said so with pride, pretending to defend from us what we have and cherish too? What if the issue was race and not sexual anatomy? We know this same church was doing this for race once before; how was that best handled back then by those families?

I still don’t know, and, along with my sadness, I will have some relief in making the question less important once we move from family.

It’s just sad.

Aloha

2009-03-06T07:36:00.000-08:00

We're back from our Island vacation, the one Brian asked for and got from Santa. He graciously didn't go alone and shared his gift with the rest of us :-).

Not that I'm bragging (okay, maybe just a bit), but this was the view from our hotel window:
That was easy to wake up to.

First full day there we went to the Dole pineapple plantation, where we made it through their maze, with only some cheating:
But, of course we spent most of the time at the beaches:

I get such a kick out of the expressions on our boys' faces at the beach, even once they've worn themselves down:
Day two we went to the Punchbowl National Cemetery. Alan said he knew a "skinny blond guy" who died in World War II and he looked at a couple markers to see if he could find this guy's name. Some may consider this evidence of reincarnation, something Alan already likes the idea of, but he was also sure this man was sent off to war in WW2 by Abraham Lincoln :-).
Day three... was it 3? It's easy to lose track there, anyway, we went to the Waimea Falls Park. The trees there are amazing:
And we had a great time playing at the base of the falls:

Best of all that day, Brian finally lost his first tooth!
He had been babying it for about a month, and I was probably as excited as he was to see it finally come out. I love the fact that the memory was added to this trip.

Then... Ah, yeah, we (minus one tooth) went to the water park:
It was perfect as almost no one was there but us. That steep white slide behind Rob's head there... if one can be violated by fast moving water, that slide can do it. It nearly removed my suit.

Then, we had a Luau, of course. Here we are waiting for it to start.
We look a bit subdued there but that's one of my favorite pictures of Brian and me together taken on this trip. But, okay, here's one of us all:
Alan got a little goofy with his shell lei and palm crown:
We got there early so we could be right up front:
The boys absolutely loved it. The last day (and I know I'm missing days of just beach and pool here but they all blissfully melted together), we drove around Oahu. I had the best banana I've ever had off a roadside fruit stand, and we stopped at a couple sights, one being Hunauma bay:

I remember being under amazement at all the colorful reef life that would swim beside you there as a child their age. When I was a kid you could feed the fish there and they'd come up to you in great swarms of bright yellow, blue, green. Now you can't feed them, but it was still a great experience, and fun to share it with them. Children have a great way of making you see things in both new and old ways. As you can see from that picture, one kid was a bit more suspicious of possible eels and sharks than the other. With minimal protest, though, we got way out there, and ended up seeing a huge sea turtle.
Then our trip was done. We spent our last hour on the beach there, goofing off and waiting for our boarding time:
We took a red eye home, during which the boys slept the whole way, lucky kids. I spent the flight trying to keep Alan's feet off the stranger sitting next to us and thinking about the crafty politicians, religious forces, and tough decisions we were returning to. But I'm glad to say my family had a wonderful time and I'm home with rest and added clarity under my belt.

Boy, I hope Ca keeps legal at least our marriages already performed; we do love the ocean.

Time-Out

2009-03-01T17:53:00.000-08:00

The blog you have reached u - t - a - h - c - o - g is not in service.

Being the greatest threat to the nation is tough work. Please give us a week to recharge and we'll be back at it in no time :-).

Socializing With Evangelicals

2009-02-24T07:06:00.000-08:00

Last night I spent the evening socializing with a bunch of evangelicals, along with members of the GLBT community; about 8 people on each team.

I would not normally want to do such a thing, seeing how we've interacted in the past. Fact is I am so tired of this. This point in Utah's legislative session is where I typically start to wear down and this session has been difficult, from the loss of all Common Ground Bills on the heals of Prop 8, to Buttar's declaration that gays have no morals, followed by the agreement of his Legislative buddies (they just didn't like the way he said it...). But I went because, frankly, I'm a desperate man; I'll drag myself along and will take on most forms of discomfort and exposure to just be heard on the other side, just in case that helps the three huge responsibilities I left at home last night.

I'm glad I did it though.

The conversation was moderated, and cushioned between periods of socializing. It went well and the only time I got stirred up was in listening to one of my friends talk about the hurt our families have gone through this last year in Utah and in regards to the LDS. There wasn't any hostility from either side, though. No one was trying to be cruel, even with that veneer of love, and no animosity was engendered that I could detect, and that is a tribute to their and the moderator's approach. It seems some leaders in Utah can't advocate even love and "mutual respect" without being insulting and inflammatory :-).

In short, these were not the evangelicals who protest at Pride or LDS conference. They were folks who love and are adherent to their faith. They were people who believe Paul when he seemingly wrote to the Romans that homosexuality is a sin. However, they were sincerely looking for common ground; it wasn't the sort of bait and switch I've come to expect. They actually heard our fears for our homes, and agreed on issues of equal rights and law... or at least seemed to, my cynical side wants to add, but I'm trying to give these folk the benefit of the doubt.

We talked about the legal issues our homes face here; we talked about the trouble the adoption law, for example, causes some of our children. We talked about how dehumanizing it feels when it seems like the average evangelical looks at us and all they see is something relatively unimportant to us, sex, not a parent, not a spouse, not a citizen. The christian gays and lesbians talked about the challenges they feel in finding a community of faith for their families.

But we were there to hear their fears too.

They wanted to know from the christian gays and lesbians if love, inclusion but not a blessing of their unions was enough for them to fit into their congregation; they agreed it was. They were even wondering "why don't we sit in the same pews?", which is much more religious inclusion than we're used to, seeing as the church of our youth would likely excommunicate every gay couple there. Nevertheless, we don't want their faith to change in their churches; we want the government we share in the secular world to be blind to our anatomy, and to treat us how they'd want to be treated.

Also, as they said, they've been in the majority in the US for a long time and they fear their numbers are dwindling, and that's scares them. No one there said this was their personal fear but they said it was an evangelical fear that, if they give us equal rights, it eventually will lead to gays treating them the way they now treat us. They are afraid of payback, that the same tools the LDS and some evangelicals are using on us now will some day be turned on them, if they give us any ground. I think the gay community should be more sensitive to that fear. Even if we don't see that as a likely event and it's not in our hearts, we need to get it across that, if that day ever came, we'd still be on the side of religious freedom and equality, on the evangelical's side on that day. We also need to get across that, to aleviate any chance of that fear comming true, they should not be putting tension on the pendulum of politics. They should fight to bring the mass to the middle, fight for equality and protections for us both under law, else, when they're forced to let go, they might convert their potential to kinetic energy against them down the line.

Anyway, while we may never agree about a letter from Paul two-thousand years ago, it seems we can still render unto Caesar what's Caesar's and have each other's back in the political arena. In the end, cliche as it is, bridges were built; there weren't two teams. I hate that gulf of misunderstanding between my family and the majority of LDS Utahns out there; it's one I'm nearly certain we could bridge with 90% of them if we just spent a similar evening together... but there are only so many evenings and I'm looking for my family to spend them elsewhere. Nevertheless, you have to celebrate the small steps, right?

Refrigerator Door

2009-02-22T10:24:00.000-08:00

Something different.

Naturally, when you find a drawing like this, you wonder what your kid is picking up from other kids at school:

At first look it seemed to capture the exact sentiment I'd like to put across to a certain local senator, and the legislative leaders here who say they don't disagree with him...

However, when asked what the hippie there is doing with his hands, Brian said that dot on what appears to be the middle finger is actually the "o" in the "okay" sign. Upon further questioning, it seems that's intended to be the meditation fingers. You know: the sort you see folks hold under bodhi trees. It seem Brian thought those in deep meditation were just sitting there signing "okay", which, I guess, isn't too far off.

Aside from his new artistic direction, he's just began taking a strong interest in math, to my excitement. I've been introducing him to the basics of algebra, and he is absolutely eating it up, making me write down an equation for each letter of the alphabet each night this week. I swear, I don't push this on him; I am, though, happy to oblige :-). He did this one yesterday:
I only had to give him some help on only about a third of them.

Of course I certainly wouldn't leave Alan out of this refrigerator door blog post. Our boys are just so different; it's very easy for Rob and I to find unique ways to connect with each of them, but Alan's interests leave less of a paper trail.

He may not like math like his pop did and does, but he likes many other things. We make a lot of Lego structures and vehicles together, when we aren't in a pitched lightsaber/martial arts battle. He's more rough and tumble and, to that end, he does do something on paper I remember doing a lot as a kid:
We play this game, the result of which is above, where you start out drawing your character and then take turn dreaming up ways to beat the other in "war". I know, I may not get the parental peace prize, but Alan was the McCain supporter last year in our family, and just because "armies are pretty cool". In that one he started off as the moth-man and I was the tank that eventually surrendered, after my moth-man-eating plant, and sonar-locating-of-invisible-moth-men bats died. Alan seems to win every time :-).

Anyway, I guess I was just sick of anything serious today and finding the "peace man" was just what my day needed :-).

Dear John,

2009-02-20T07:47:00.000-08:00

Can you believe I’ve never broken up with anyone before? I must be one of the only guys I know who’s never had his heart broken by another, never thought up a way to cut a lover loose, never been cut loose.

I’m just saying I hope you know this is hard on me, honey. In general, I do not give up on established relationships. I’m not sure why; it may be because I tend to and prefer to see myself as being defined by my roles in my relationships. To lose a relationship is to lose a part of myself. To lose a significant relationship, say, with my husband or kids may as well mean to remove a vital organ, and I don’t want to know and I don’t even care about the new man that could come from such losses in life.

Of course, my dearest Utah, you know a relationship between a person and his state is not that serious; we’ve never even kissed. Nevertheless, I can’t deny that I reflexively see a big part of myself as your good friend from birth, as a Utahn by heart. From my polygamist pioneering ancestors to the accent in my English, you are a part of me, and I don’t want you to ever doubt that I love you. I do. It’s evidenced right there in the blog title, in our many dates together in your beautiful deserts and mountains. Heck, I said my first words cradled in your suburbs, I learned to ride a bike on your streets, I had my first date and fell in love in your capitol city, and, so far, I’ve raised my children here… Good times, many great memories that I will cherish forever. I hope you will too.

It’s no secret we’ve had our differences, though, and I’ve been happy in the past to just try to manage them, but we both know things have changed, dear. Primarily, my children came into the picture, and that changed things for my husband and me in ways I couldn’t predict. So I’d say "it’s not you, it’s me", but, lets be honest;Utah, it’s us both. Your love has become even more moody and sharp, and you’ve really let your religious and legal attractiveness go downhill. For just one example, I knew you had issues with me too, but I didn’t think your culture, or the faith of my youth would attack our children’s character.

Now I find my husband has, in his mind, already severed ties with you. Any married man knows how hard it is to keep a friendship when your spouse can’t stand the person, and I wish I had the motivation to make a case for you, but I don't and you don’t make it easy. Frankly, you’ve betrayed our trust; you take our money and play me like a chump. Sure, you love me when you want to buy yourself some bling: slick digital road signs, or guns for your armories, or health insurance for your legislators. But then you dig in your heals on most any small form of fair treatment for me, for those relationships sacred to us. If I want equal access to wrongful death rights, or housing, or health insurance for my spouse (not even the sweet deal I help buy for you), then you’ve suddenly got vague plans with someone else.

Yes, I've been naive, and kind of thought we had a deal; you’d come around when you understood how you been treat’n me. However, for the sake of legally and socially protecting the relationships more vital than the relationship I have with you, I’ve had to make some tough decisions about our future together.

I best just say it: Utah, honey, I’m breaking up with you.

Now now, let’s not cry.

Oh… yeah, okay… you’re not a bit upset or even listening to me? I’m being a whiny b*beep*ch, and you never loved me? Sure, whatever. I guess I knew it was a one way relationship, the bulk of you being glad to see my family cut ties and try to leave, if the bulk could even notice us. That’s how you want to be, then fine.

What kills me, though, is that I know you. You’ll break another boy’s heart. Right now, to you, that heart is a time bomb ticking in some Salt Lake Bishop’s son, or in some 3rd grade girl in, say, Nephi or some other dainty small town appendage of yours. They will love you too, and then, come puberty, they’ll realize you've been leading them on; who they are is exactly who you don’t want to associate with. And I’ll be gone, off to love another state, like a quitter, along with all the other people and families I’ve seen leave over the past decade for kinder jurisdictions.

Good riddance you may say; and yeah, I’ll not let the door hit us on my way out. I hope if anything, though, you recognize one of my larger fears for you, for a state I still love even as we part ways. I fear you’ll step up your work in creating the sort of gay people you claim to fear most, after you drive out those I suspect you truly do fear, deep down: those who got by your roadblocks and don’t conform to your stereotypes, those who have a good marriage and children and homemakers to protect, from you. No one in charge of an abusive relationship wants their partner to see a way out; they want to “love” them from above, as their "beloved" struggles. Your legislative body language has made it clear; when it comes to your gay citizens, you don’t want to have a relationship with an equal, or with someone healthy. You've even proudly tattooed it on your face, right in your constitution, that you don’t want equals in your gay citizens or their families.

I just hope you consider, Utah, that you can be uniquely sadistic in your love, particularly of “the children” and "the family", and you have a tendency to create the problems you often speak out against. Even forget us and my whining; the fact is you do hurt yourself and your character each time you make an excuse for not following the golden rule when it comes to your gay citizens. I know you think it's no big deal and blow off the ridicule of outsiders and my concern for you as worldly forces trying to bring you down or something. You'll do what you want. But I know you've thought that before, and I'll keep my hope in the fact that you have stopped and taken a good look at yourself in times past, and turned yourself around. I know you can do it again.

Anyway, take care honey, and here’s to hoping time can bring us back together some day. I do not and will not look back in anger, and you’ll always be a part of me, even if I do have to excise most of what you once owned. However, I'm taking the kids, the dog, all our possessions, including our record collection; you never liked my music anyway.

Yours truly and with some non-ironic sadness,
Your Ex-Utahn Looking for a New State to Love.

A Bright Spot

2009-02-18T11:05:00.000-08:00

I also wanted to point out Councilwoman Jenny Wilson, just not in the same post about Buttars :-). Her bill allowing partners of gay and lesbian county employees to get on their health insurance passed yesterday (see here).

We met with Jenny last week about this bill; I left very impressed with her sense of fairness, knowledge, and compassion, if not a bit worried about her plans to bring this up while the legislature was in session. This bill should even allow children of gay employees to get health insurance like any other child would, and it may cause a backlash. Anyway and regardless, I just want to say thank you! Thank you Jenny and thanks to all those on the council who voted for it, particularly Max Burdick, the only republican member who did the fair, right thing.

As of now, all the Common Ground bills have been killed. It seems common ground, at least today, is a sad illusion--I think even I forgot who we are dealing with and had too much hope than was reasonable--but there's this one new thing to hang hope on; there is a spark of the golden rule in Salt Lake County. That means a lot.

Anything Goes

2009-02-18T10:28:00.000-08:00

Where I blog on isocrat is kind of a place for my political frustration, and I posted about this there. But I want to be sure as many gay Utahns as possible understand what we're up against. Sun Tsu and all that.

From Reed Cowan's documentary, the words of Senator Buttars:

Take a listen.

Or read the story.

...comparing us to terrorists, calling us "the greatest threat to America", insinuating we aren't monogamous, saying that making it illegal to fire or evict a person, gay or straight, for their orientation is giving gays special rights, calling us abominations, saying we have children in order to "indoctrinate" them, saying we don't have morals... "anything goes"... That familiar mess of falsehoods and inhumanity is coming from one of the most powerful law makers in this state, and he seems to feel ethically good about it. I have to wonder, if we're the "greatest threat", what would he do to our families if he had more power than the significant amount he already wields, or if there were more of him up on the hill?

What do I do when my kids are at the age to catch wind of such leaders on the news? And that's why I'm hoping to get out of here.

I mean, how can you talk to, or reason together with a person who won't even see or hear you?

Ug, I can't wait for Utah's political season to be over.

The Man Behind the Header

2009-02-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

Of course, our kids don't get to read this blog :-). When they're older, I wonder, though, if they'll ever care to go through the many posts about what's gone through my head in this period. Will it matter to know how the politics were, or why we live where we do or did, or why I got stressed with every legislative session and the sorts of things it literally brings to their front door? Though I live in a town where most folks are supposed to keep a record of some sort for their kids, it's still strange to think the adults they will become may someday read what their old man was thinking when at their same age.

I mean, I can remember the week the realization hit me that my dad is just a man and my mom is just a woman, just as human as the rest with fears, mistakes, and conflicting emotions. Don't get me wrong, they are great, good and strong people and great parents, but, when you're a kid, parents have almost magical qualities as providers, nurturers, teachers. It's no wonder it's common to keep all that behind a supernatural curtain even after you've seen behind the mortal curtain.

I'm certainly not saying it's a bad thing to come to that realization as an adult, though. My parents, they may be human, but they are some of the best humans I know and I cherish our relationship; besides, every person on a pedestal is done a disservice. I guess I'm just wondering how much I'd care to read through their thoughts. If our adult boys ever do read back through this, though, I'd want them to know what I hope they know by heart: that I love them with all I am. I'd want them to know that I desperately hope the decisions we make, especially in this next, precarious year, are made correctly. And if they aren't, I'm sorry.

Anyway, all that wondering came to mind just because there's a new picture in the header here; my mind does ramble :-). They may not understand a blog, but every now and then Brian has noticed his old drawing in the header, and he didn't like how big he made Rob.
FYI, I'm the littler guy with the big ears there. He has been trying all weekend to get me to put a new picture of us "on the internet", and thus the header change. Though I'm attached to the old one, I've changed it. I wonder, when I'm 65 and they're 36, if they'll still do my artwork; thing is that's about my current level of drawing skill right there :-).

Okay, Maybe We Did Celebrate

2009-02-15T07:35:00.000-08:00

Last night I grilled steaks (and hot dogs) on the back patio as the kids played in the snow. Rob made a blue cheese sauce and some pommes frites to go on top of the steaks, and a great salad. We fed the boys and then jokingly told them to give daddy and papa some time to have our fancy Valentine's day dinner. At that Brian got the idea to be our waiters.

We spent the rest of the meal being waited on by the kids for a change. It was adorable, even if our water was served in little plastic kid's cups and they insisted we needed ketchup to add to the wonderful blue cheese sauce on my steak.

But (and as long as I'm calling fried potato strings pommes frites...) the coup de grace was dessert:
Chocolate covered strawberries... Mmmmm...

Isn't even Brian's "ugly face" cute :-)?

So yeah, then we put the boys to bed and, for not celebrating Saint Valentine's Day, I'd say we did just fine.

Discoveries in the Field of Romance

2009-02-14T11:14:00.000-08:00

As I’ve written before, we don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, never have in our 16 years together. I’m not exactly sure why. For one, it’s hard to ignore the Halmark prescribe romance… we’d rather make our own cards and make a big deal of anniversaries; Lupricalia is just too public. Secondly, we’ve no babysitters we trust on such days, but even when childless we weren’t into it… Truth be told, it’s probably greatly because this holiday, when we were coming to terms with being gay, kind of felt like someone else’s holiday, like Chinese New Year, but for heterosexuals :-). So tonight we’ll do what we want and have a nice home-cooked meal and probably play a board game with the kids, before we put them to bed and watch the Battle Star Galactica waiting on the Tevo; he in my arms or me in his, as humans and cylons work out their cylon/human issues.

Clearly, I’m no Casanova.

As I was joking Rob about our tame plans for tonight, though, he said what I already know: romance comes in different, more subtle but potent ways in long-lived love. A squeeze while I’m unloading the dishwasher, a call home during work just to hear his voice, a little note on my computer, and so on; all that works better than a dozen roses. Sure, that getting-to-know-you phase is great fun, but it doesn’t match up to the I-know-you better-than-myself epoch :-). Not many couples get to feel that sort of stable, strong center in their family, and, while it would not make for interesting drama--cylons or no--that’s more than enough romance for us.

But this is a day for love, and, if I do say so myself, I’ve done pretty well in that department. As part of my continual attempt to spread the gay lifestyle, I’d like to share some long-term relationship discoveries. My credentials? Well I am a doctor (still waiting for my doctor of love diploma, but still), add to that the 16 years of happy monogamy, and the fact we have never fought and that’s pretty good, right? So here’s what I’ve found in trying to figure out why we get along smoothly:

Touch him. We’ve never fought but we do, of course, disagree sometimes. I know there have been times when my feelings have been hurt and I’m sure it’s gone both ways. I’d say we have a significant disagreement about every other year, but they never escalate past the day they're realized. When most people feel at odds with their spouse it seems to me their tendency is to pull back. This is a terrible instinct to follow here. If you feel hurt, get closer, touch him and see what happens. In me, just a hand on the shoulder can change perspective immediately for you both, as though it was a discharge of a shock. Funny that that works, but it really does.

Always keep a white flag ready. I think a lot of couples get in trouble for their constituent’s tenacity. If there is anyone to whom you should never honestly care about beating or saving face in front of it’s your spouse. Everyone can be wrong or a jerk sometimes, but that isn’t important if you keep from spending energy looking for ways to better justify it. So, unlike in other areas of life, when in doubt, give up; roll over; surrender easily. Just say “you’re right; I’m wrong” and be done with it. Of course this means often you’ll both end up surrendering and arguing the value of the other’s position, but what better way to find the right position? Your loss is his win is your win; like a team, the only points that count are awarded to the family on whole.

Recent discoveries in neuroscience seem to show our decision making and moral reasoning is the result of different areas of the brain duking it out, but we have the sensation of being one whole personality, only cognizant of the result of their arguments. I think a healthy relationship should feel that cohesive, like a healthy mind does when compiling the results of disparate interests of the brain.

Never Wave the White Flag. I think a lot of couples get in trouble for their lack of tenacity :-). You, the individual can and often should give up, but the family you're a part of can't. I'm of the school that you never go more than a day without addressing an issue, and I'll not go to sleep unless I know we're on the same page. Given the above techniques, I've never had to stay up past 11 :-).

Date. Each other, that is. Sure, tonight we’ll be home, but we try to get out alone at least once a month. I blogged about how important I found this, a long while ago, here. Yes, it’s all about the kids and they need a lot of attention, but the kids rely on you two being a solid team and so some alone time to pair bond and gaze at each other over desert in a fancy restaurant is more than permissible. It’s as healthy as exercise, and more fun.

Framing. I’ve seen several couples, now divorced, seem to look at each other as more like roommates with benefits, even when they have kids. It’s the “You complete me” problem. The other person is seen as someone who fits into your life, makes you whole, when it is more robust to look at the two of you as making something larger whole. As a husband you are half of something bigger than the sum of its parts, and the relationship is not meant to complete or fix you, the individual. To me, that perspective alone goes most of the way to making the rest a happy cakewalk.

Eh, or maybe we're both just easy going guys benefiting by luck... Whatever, I'm just glad for the romantic holiday evening I have ahead of me :-).

200 Years of Survival

2009-02-13T07:58:00.001-08:00

I wanted to mark Darwin's 200th, but got too busy yesterday. As a present to the old man, I'll put up an old example of artificial evolution that I wrote... oh my... 10 years ago?

It only seems to work on internet explorer, and I'll fix that later, but if you want to play around as a predator, or watch the fruits of pixel sex, switch to IE and take it for a test stroll:

Evolution Toy

If what is going on there is unclear, the instruction manual is here. I like putting the critters on asexual reproduction and automatic hunting and just watch the "genes" change as I radically alter their background... but enjoyment may vary.

I was listening to Dr. Neil Shubin on a podcast yesterday about his book Your Inner Fish: A Journey into the 3.5-Billion-Year History of the Human Body, and it really is an amazing thing, the theory developed by Darwin. Looking back it seems so obvious, as clear as arithmetic, but we're looking back with a good body of transitional fossils and knowledge of genes, and clear mechanisms of passing on this information that will be weeded through by nature, something Darwin did not have. The scope and predictive power of this theory has been remarkable since it's formalization, and it's hard to think of a theory with a similar record of success. Maybe, say, the standard model of subatomic particles' predicting the finding of Z bosons, or the theory of relativity's prediction of the shift in the apparent position of Mercury when viewed near the sun compare.

Lincoln and Darwin happened to have been born on the same day, and I also listened to a podcast yesterday about Lincoln's personal and political transitions on slavery and the rights of citizens with African ancestry (lab work allows for many podcasts :-)). In a way, both men made great discoveries about the human condition. Even if Lincoln wasn't the first to come to his theory (well, arguably, neither was Darwin), he did put in into action, and freed many men and women.

In a smaller and very different way, each big scientific discovery is a sort of emancipation. To avoid misunderstanding :-), I'm not saying freeing slaves is morally equivalent to discovering, say, a new subatomic particle. However, nothing more consistently holds a people from what's right and what they want than ignorance. False ideas about the way the world works, superstitions and such, can be every bit as oppressive as what people impose on each other. Misinterpreting, say, a volcano's natural rhythms as divine emotions can even get people killed. But each transistor shrunk, protein virtually folded, planet found, engine design improved, and fossil unearthed unhitches us a bit from a massive web of human ignorance and allows that much more freedom in ability through understanding. Not that I want to be a complete cheerleader for science, though... Sure, we have abilities and predictive powers today that would look like magic a couple thousand years ago, but there's still the matter of putting that freedom to good use.

Anyway, happy belated Birthday Darwin, and Abraham.

Metal Brigham

2009-02-12T05:27:00.000-08:00

Last night we attended the rally up at the capitol regarding the adoption bill. It's being held in committee where its opponents hope it will die. We want it to be debated and voted on, even though it doesn't stand much of a chance.
The problem is most up there will look at this bill and see it as giving rights to gay people, the equivalent of tattooing the bill on the back of a drunk Wiccan leper in a legislature of so many Ultra-conservative LDS lawmakers. In actuality this bill is more about helping people who are neither gay or lesbian.

So many of our Utah children, even when raised by two loving and wonderful parents, can only have one legal parent in this state because of the current adoption law, leaving them with far fewer rights than other children when it comes to items such as getting on their breadwinner's health insurance or keeping both their parents legally responsible for, say, child support. Some of our friends have children where a fraction are legally attached to both parents and their younger siblings, born or adopted under this law, only have one legal parent. You can imagine the legal mess they're in. Instead Utah tax payers pick up some of the slack when something bad happens in these families... and that's the difference between conservatism and wacky social conservatism :-): they'd rather the state pay than a child have two legal parents, both with personal responsibilities to be held to.

Utah is in fact one of the top 5 in the US in the percentage of same-sex headed households also raising children, and gay people can still adopt here as single people and they do. These laws do nothing measurable to stop gay parenting. So many children are in need of homes and they just cannot stop families from forming, even when they legally hobble them. But, yeah, most lawmakers will only see in this bill "gay=bad", and come next year these kids will still only have one legal parent. I'm just grateful we are both our boys' parents by heart, mind, and law, even though our legal route hasn't yet been tested in Utah (and I hope we're not here the day it is tested).

Anyway, the twins were just goofing off but I thought this picture was kind of funny:

Like Brian, we're up there, with our dukes up, trying to fight the deaf, 12 foot tall, metal Brigham Young, Utah's beloved founder and symbol of tradition. I bet he shoots lasers from his eyes too.

There would not be enough room in Brigham's corner of the capitol to also fit the metal forms of his 50-something wives (or is that "civil partners"?), but we're the controversial ones :-).

Huntsman

2009-02-10T06:56:00.000-08:00

I knew I voted for this guy for a good reason:

Guv, at odds with most Utahns, backs civil unions for gays

Thank you Governor Huntsman! This more than makes up for the time your dad hit me when I was just an undergrad (there's a story behind that but I think I like it better with fewer details :-)).

The Sutherland representative's response was telling:

"He had to be dragged to the altar of Amendment 3," Reynolds said in an e-mail, "and everyone has known since then that Governor Huntsman would rather be nice than right."

Everyone, huh? At least this Reynolds knows he's being mean. It's just a matter of getting him to see what should be obvious, to see the morality in the Golden Rule. The fact that he finds nice and right to be at odds should be bothering him.

Boy, I have a hard time understanding this mindset, but it clearly works. As I write in amazement too often here, this same thinking--hurting people is helping them, it's self preservation, it's long-term loving and for their own good--has done much worse. It has put gays on burning piles of wood. Again, it's what you find in books like the Malleus Maleficarum, and it can justify far worse than firing someone for being gay in many human minds. Maybe I just don't want to get it.

Anyway, it is much better to be "dragged to the altar of Amendment 3" than have your family offered up on it, and I would have appreciated the Governor not going there in the first place. Nevertheless, this is a big and much appreciated step for a highly popular Utah govenor to make. I have to think it will be a significant help in bringing justice a bit closer to the Beehive State, if not on the Hill, then in the minds of the public.

Thank you again Governor Huntsman.

Between Thee and the Woman

2009-02-09T07:08:00.001-08:00

Every morning after we get the kids off to school, I listen to Radio From Hell's "Boners of the Day" while in the tub, and attempt to finish the Tribune's sudoku before that segment ends. It scratches that itch for ritual I've kept from my youth :-).

Today they had a story of "Satan" being apprehended in a bathroom. As Monday is the simplest sudoku day, my mind wandered off on this story to think about what some folk--not just terribly troubled people, such as the guy in the story--actually do believe about some invisible world of demons and the devil surrounding them.

What if Satan was in the realm of horses rather than unicorns, and, above that, apprehended in a men's bathroom, for "staring and pointing at himself in the mirror"?

Would that mean some of my siblings would expect us to wake up the next day free of temptation, thinking that it'd be best if we dissolved our union, split up our boy's home? We'd look for a couple of girls, who we would suddenly find attractive, or at least we'd stop seeing coupling up with them as wrong in all sorts of ways? Would brains, hair sworls, and such of the average homosexual all morph back to the God-desired heterosexual male template? Boy, I hope we'd have a smooth custody battle and at least remain in the same ward :-).

I mean, I hear a lot of people talk about devils and their influence on the world and gay people in particular. It's weird, and, frankly, creepy, insulting, and dehumanizing to suspect that some of my family, when they think of me and our home, may think like, well, like Jack Chick (see here for one of the funniest examples of serious homophobia I know of). I kind of feel like, just for kicks, I should learn to roll my eye back into my head and talk backwards in Latin; really freak them out.

I've often heard people say the greatest success of the devil is making his influence so imperceptible that people do not believe in him. I probably bought that at one time too. I find this framing clever, sure--to them the absence of evidence is the best evidence of all. But it sucks to be the one powerless to address the unaddressable evidence on the other end of it.

All this reminds me... On my shelf I keep a copy of the Malleus Maleficarum, along with a whole bunch of other religiously themed book. As Wikipedia summarizes:

The main purpose of the Malleus was systematically to refute arguments claiming that witchcraft does not exist, refute those who expressed skepticism about its reality, to prove that witches were more often women than men, and to educate magistrates on the procedures that could find them out and convict them.

This book, at one time, was second only to the Bible in its spread through Christianity, and it should be required reading for anyone who, for religious reasons, has decided to hunt the "witches" of any age. Not for instruction, but for perspective.

A lot has changed since then, but it's amazing how much has not: the righteous focus on sex, satanic trickery, claiming the person being harmed is the victimizer. Posing people as influenced by or tools of demons seems to be an efficacious and time-tested way to hide the humanity in the targets. No one wants to hurt us gays and our families, right? But they have to stop us from souring their cow's milk and truing their families into a bunch of newts, right?

How is Babby Formed?

2009-02-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

Ah, the value of learning from Yahoo! Answers. Take this question and answer for example:

This came to mind as Alan and I just got into a half hour long conversation about were babies come from, on our way up the canyon.

It's surprising how easy it was. That's the sort of thing they teach you to fear as a parent, but by the end of it I'd answered all his questions comfortably and honestly. We even got into pretty involved topics of genetics, identical vs fraternal twins, and the influence of genes on both a person's body and mind.

Okay, so there were some lies of omission, but it worked and led to a good discussion and some wonderful realizations about cells and genes on his part. Someday they'll ask how people physically bring the two "cells, containing half your plans" together to build another cell that uses those plans to divide and make more cells until you have a baby... I'll deal with that then :-). I'm just glad to get this far without leaving him with what I had gleamed from cartoons at his age and beyond: the vague idea that it has something to do with cabbage and big awkward birds.

Sutherland's Ground

2009-02-06T06:01:00.000-08:00

Last night I was supposed to go to that Sutherland Institute event. I was personally invited ;-) but others hoped to "infiltrate".

However, I've been up two nights in a row with sick fevery kids, and I came home from work yesterday to find everyone but me had finally shared the germs. As any parent knows, it's much easier to be sick than the only healthy person in your home :-).

So I skipped the event and took care of dinner for my three sick men. Fortunately many others from the gay community went, and even though the Sutherlands tried to keep gay people out, some got in and were able to hear what they were selling our fellow Utahns.

This morning, the fevers were gone and just a cold remained for the kids, and so I got them ready for school, after a brief debate about germ theory and immunology. No, Alan you'll not get a worse version of the cold you gave to Brian if you use Brian's bath tub... I only won by invoking my Dr. title and an argument from authority; thank goodness he's still young enough to fall for it :-).

I read the paper before taking the boys to school, and found the Tribune article on the Sutherland gathering, though. It turns out they're main hope is that lawmakers will fall for a bunch logical fallacies, much more blatant than the one I used to get my kid in the tub.

600 Utahns gathered inside to answer what they saw as a "challenge to family and freedom."

Appeal to fear, begging the question... It's just simple double speak: we have to limit their freedoms and harm their families to answer a challenge to family and freedom? But people buy it easily. Very often here, limiting a person's and their entire family's rights just on sexual anatomy is called standing up for freedom. I have to wonder what these groups will do when faced with the business end of their own tactics; how will they react if given the sort of freedom they now want gay citizens to have?

The Common Ground Initiative, declared former Rep. LaVar Christensen, the author of Utah's constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, Amendment 3, "is actually very uncommon."

Well, that's just demonstrably false. According to public opinion polls and even the church to which most of them belong, there is common ground. It's there in words and PR at least, and only seems to disappear when anyone tries to stand on it.

"It would be groundbreaking and lead to what we just witnessed in California," he told the crowd,

Slippery Slope fallacy, one countered just today even by one of the anti-marriage equality architects of our Amendment 3. But that won't matter, not up on the hill. Rights for gay people mean pride marchers will be sauntering through the Celestial Room, and jacuzziing in the baptismal tubs in a matter of months.

Groundbreaking, though? I'd love to take a look at Christensen's dictionary, right? :-) Yeah, truly new and shocking to all sensibilities if my husband could sue a drunk driver who killed me, as most people could and as has been possible for gay couples for a long time in many other jurisdictions.

"Some claim that standing up for the enduring, even sacred, definitions of marriage and family is showing hate for those who disagree," she said. "They are wrong. Defending marriage and family is an act of love for our children and our children's children."

Where to start in this mess of non sequiturs? Who doesn't want to defend marriage and family? How is making it illegal to fire or kick someone out of their home because of their sexual orientation (gay or straight) even touching their definition of marriage? This is just weird and yet I know it sells with an easy nod.

Anyway, I don't think, Sutherland Institute, you're hateful; I think you can be hysterical and cruel to your neighbors and still enjoy feeling a sort of love for them. History is ripe with so many good intentions.

I wish you'd listen to us, though. No one is mad at you for "standing up for the enduring, even sacred, definitions of marriage and family", no matter how wrong you are in this fallacy of argument from tradition (e.g. 1, 2). Stand up and believe all you want; I won't care. Just stop trying to take my tax dollars with one hand and push your rules about which anatomy goes with which into my home with the other. It's your harm to real people and real families that get's them frustrated, not your special dictionary or beliefs or what you want for yourself. The problem is your hope to, based only on their sexual anatomy, make legally invisible another family's "enduring, even sacred, definitions of marriage and family". From my view, you are a threat to the definition of marriage and family.

The difference between us, though, is that I want the government we are all forced to share and pay into to respect your family and how you want to define it. I want your family to be treated in law the way I'd want my family treated.

Again, I have to wonder, these people who disdain the idea of finding common ground and claim to be the only side holding sacred ground, how would they defend themselves if the tide turned and the weapons of thin "love" and "freedom" they work to establish now were pointed back at their families? I bet the Golden Rule, live and let live, and common ground would look a lot better to them than it does now, and I would hope to be the person to do my best then to be on their side.

Anyway, I guess I'm glad I missed it, took care of my sick guys, and stayed in our world. This morning was "Moms and Muffins" day at our boy's school. We all went, had a great time, runny noses aside. No one shows any care if two dads sit on the floor and read books and eat muffins with their kids along with a bunch of mothers. We have as many friends there in parents as our boys do in classmates. No one there sees excluding our family as somehow "upholding" anything near right or sacred. They're all reasonable enough to understand that there are exceptions, and there's no threat to the majority to treat the minority how they'd want to be treated. If only we could have muffins with all those other folks :-).

Funny Money

2009-02-04T06:44:00.000-08:00

I just posted on a questionnaire I got from BYU about the LDS church at isocrat, here. They gave me a dollar to fill it out. But look how odd:
The ink on the dollar bled onto the letter. I've never seen that before. Now, this is certainly not concrete proof, but I fear BYU may be printing one dollar bills deep below the Cougar Eat ;-).

If only I drank coffee, I'd use it to buy a cup.

If Then Else

2009-02-03T17:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, I screwed up in moving us back to Utah.

Simply, I’m realizing we shouldn’t have moved back. I’ve got some comforting excuses: We needed our family, wanted our friends around, and Gay rights weren’t as much of a topic in Utah’s legislature back then and only became so after we returned. To my shame, I never even knew who my representative was before then.

Looking back, I misjudged two things: 1. I forgot in great part what Utah was like with the strong LDS church influence, and 2. I didn’t realize how practically important the legal rights they don’t want us to have would become to us once Rob became a stay-at-home dad. I’d never had to, for example, get him on my health insurance before as he had his own. I guess I kind of also got used to not realizing we were gay while in California, and was caught off guard when I found again that living in Utah makes being gay a very important characteristic. I’m just feeling grateful now it wasn’t as bad as it could have been; at least neighbors and school friends have been great to our kids and they haven’t noticed any problem yet. However much I love our state, though, we are essentially working without a legal net here, the religious and political climate is getting more heated, and fighting it is taking too much of my attention; which I would feel was my duty to give if not for the fact that I am a father of young kids. Importantly, Utah law would simply not be there for them in an adequate or just way, should something happen to me.

It was a complicated decision to live here and it still is, but, looking back, I think it was a poorly made, naive decision.

It’s funny how hard it is for me to admit that, but it’s true and I think, especially now, I need to put that out on the table. I want to be the perfect husband and father but my decade-ago self had some unwarranted optimism for living here and he tripped up, and—he being me plus ten years—he may again, right?

So now what is often on my mind is how to be sure I don’t mess up a move again?

It's a decision we need to make in a hurry too. We’ll need to find a house, new job, and a new school before the summer is up or it will be more tempting to let the kids finish another school year here. Ug, what about the new research grants I have been applying for, with researchers here?... Then there’s the fact that our decision will decide where my parents end up retiring; I’d like to keep them out of harsh winters and snow shoveling while past their 70’s... In short, it’s a mess of considerations and I’m stressed. And I guess I’m venting here as we can’t let it show at home, around the kids.

The trouble is that we won’t know our best options until after the legality of Prop 8 is decided in Ca (late spring, if I understood). Will it be overturned? If not, will those marriages performed still be legal? We most want to move back to Ca but Ma and even Canada come into the picture if we can’t have full equal treatment and protections in Ca. Then will DOMA be repealed anytime soon, as it seems it should with the new leadership? I just don’t trust not having my family in the same boat as everyone else anymore, and I don’t want to have to pull up our roots twice.

So, a plan for the record, to be held to: If our Ca marriage is still legal come early summer (Prop 8 overturned completely or not), then I’ve got a good job prospect there to follow up on and hopefully it will all work out, and we’ll be in the golden state before second grade starts. Heck, if we keep legal marriage but prop 8 is found valid and prevents future marriages, at least I can quell some of my guilt of leaving Utah by fighting for equal rights to return to Ca. Else, well, for now I’m looking for openings in Vancouver or Ma or Ct, and will just hope none of those are the best solution come Summer; that’s just too far from what will always be my home.

Salt Water

2009-02-01T06:46:00.000-08:00

We did that Prop 8 interview with Reed Cowan yesterday. Each time we do anything like this I try to brace myself. Questions like "What does family mean to you?" or "Tell me about how you became a parent." or "What does your relationship mean to you?" are common. With such topics that slight cramp at the back of the throat eventually seizes and I can't get a thought out that's not too heavy with emotion.

That's another benefit to being a gay man, though. I can be as masculine as I am by nature, and still get emotional without feeling I have to hold up some masculine stereotype (I don't even have to watch the Superbowl today!). Example, I let loose a tear in Batman, The Dark Knight, for goodness sake :-) (when the convict takes the remote on the ferry...). In short, I'm a crier, but don't really care much to control it in most instances. I spent too much time when coming out trying to hide how I was feeling.

However, that makes me a bad interview, and so, in those instances, I've tried to learn ways to hold it down again. I've taken to just telling people interviewing me right off the bat they can ask what they want, but stay away from emotional questions about family until the end if they want anything useful.

Now, there is a certain reason anyone with kids and who knows much about Reed would find their emotions near the surface around him. I don't want to go into that; suffice it to say it was an emotional setting from the start.

He was great. He just let us speak, and normally I'd have been okay, but my parents went before us. My mom got emotional, talking about what we go through in this state and I expected that; I could keep composure with that much. However, my dad, he rarely loses composure but he did yesterday. That finished off the flimsy interview barriers I've reconstruct during our last 4 years in this fight. When it was my turn, I'm afraid I left them with nothing usable.

The potent thing is that you don't really know how much your parents love you when you're growing up. You can't. You know they love you, but not what that means for a parent, not until you feel it yourself. And when you are a parent, your focus goes to the love for your kids, and you kind of stop thinking much about the love from you're parents. My parents were and are wonderful parents, and as an adult they are two of our best friends, people we love spending time with. I may not take enough time as an adult to realize or enjoy that love they have for me, but, recognizing what I have for my sons in them, it was more than I could hold in.

At the end they had everyone say their name and what they want. My parents said for me and my family to be treated fairly; I said (or tried to say :-)) to be able to protect my family like any one else, to have my family treated in the way our LDS neighbors want their families treated. It's that same sort of drive, pointing that particular love forward, into the next generation; I wish my composure stood a chance in front of it when also in front of a crowd, but am also kind of glad it doesn't.

Anyway... getting a little too serious?

Why stop mid-post though, right?

I also want to take some time here to give some kudos to Scott and Sarah. We stopped by their home last night on the way back from the interview. They are very good hosts, and all that was appreciated. Thank you.

But the thing that strikes me most is the fact that they've generously given a nonjudgmental place to relax and fit in for gay LDS who either just want to hang out with others like them, or those who desperately need a break, a place they don't have to hide who they are. Sometimes families of gay kids in these parts lose track of that familial love for a time, or cause distance thinking it's love, and it's a great comfort to me to know people are there to catch them. To open up your hearts and home like that is impressive, and inspiring to me. Whatever the blog equivalent of applause is, I'm doing it.

Pocket Change

2009-01-31T11:52:00.000-08:00

It turns out the LDS church just reported about $190,000 in donations to pass prop 8. I blogged on the details of that at isocrat, here.

The funny thing is I knew they gave more than the couple grand they were initially claiming; everyone did, right? But I find I was happier with the illusion.

Rob's mom is staying with us and I find this news to be kind of upsetting. That's where some of her money went: to deciding on those commercials, threatening California parents that children in school may talk about the same sort of family that her grandkids have, if they didn't act to forcible divorce her son and I.

I know the LDS people we love didn't mean to pay for such. I know most don't even want to. However, many believe it's like a supernatural necessity to give money to the LDS church. I get that it probably breaks them up too, and I'm not angry at her for it; though I'd much rather family not fund legally hurting family. Can't the LDS church set up separate accounts :-): one for families who don't want to pay to harm the gay couples in their clan, and another for those who don't mind?

Anyway, I just liked it better when the illusion was that their inadvertent contribution was more like a fraction of a cent, than anything that could be shown in real coins.

Solving a Mystery

2009-01-28T11:37:00.001-08:00

Brian came home with a little plastic ring the other day. I didn’t think anything of it. I just thought it was a piece of junk, the sort Brian is always appropriating as a toy; he’s been using a glue cap as a tiny bowler hat for days now :-).

Eventually Rob took a closer look and found that it was a CTR ring. For those who do not know, CTR stands for “Choose the Right” and it’s a LDS thing; around here you can often pick out the LDS kids by such rings. It’s kind of like the LDS cross, a mark of the group, without the blood and drama.

Anyway, we had a mystery to solve:
[names have been changed to protect those with cooties]

I set out. “Hey Bub, where did you get that ring?”

“John gave it to me.”

John? We don’t know a John from soccer. New kid? I went on, “Is John your friend at school?”

“No. John is mean.”

Yikes! “Mean? What does he do?”

“Today, he yelled at Jenny and made her cry when we were playing a game.” Brian said.

“That’s not nice. John is a student in your class, though?”

“Yes.”

“Is John mean like that to all the kids in your class?”, I asked, wanting to be sure Brian wasn’t being picked on.

“Yes.”

Okay, so far so good, “Did John give everyone in your class a ring?”

Brian replied, “No, just me.”

So was he picked out specifically to get this ring then? I asked, “Did he say why?”

“No”

“Did he say where he got the ring?”

“John said his mom gave it to him.”

Yikes, again! “Did he say his mom told him to give it to you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is that John’s ring? Did he wear it?”

“No, he has one.” Now this all is kind of odd, right? I was under the impression that LDS kids didn’t start wearing CTR rings until after they are baptized (at 8). Am I wrong?

“But he said it’s okay if you have it?”, I asked.

“Yes”

“Did he say what CTR means?”

“No. ”

At that I let it drop. Now, I know what I’m going to do. Brian has since lost interest in it and I’ll just give it to the teacher to give back to John’s mom, or I'll find her when I pick the boys up next. If it was just a kid who gave a plastic ring to a randomly chosen classmate (who's not his friend), then the ring goes back to the mom. I hope she'll tell her son to be more careful with religiously charged gifts to the non-LDS families there. I’m not sure if the JW family, for example, would be calm about this. On the side of paranoia, if it was some attempt to get a missionary foothold in the heathen family, send us a message, or save our children from us, I hope the message will get across to the mom also.

I blogged about a similar event before, but I’m wondering. Would handing out CTR rings be seen as an acceptable act of LDS proselytizing in school? Would this be bizarre for a parent to initiate, in, say, Provo?

However that ring got on Brian’s hand, the thing that strikes me with this event is how threatening such a little thing felt. I know, I know… “Choose the Right”; how could anyone have a problem with that? I don’t, not with the literal meaning of the words.

It’s all in the code, association, and symbols. I don’t see that CTR in that shield as a symbol of unmitigated good as most here would. The R in that CTR ring doesn’t exactly mean “Right”. Sure, it does mean the same thing in great part. We agree on honesty, kindness, the Golden Rule and so on… But, to me, it’s a long tried tactic of all religions to mix morality with temporal regulations of tradition, convenience, or superstition. Everything from eating bacon to drawing pictures to being a good slave has been attached to, say, “Thou shalt not kill.” Wrapping them in the same package gives them the influence on other humans they’d never hold on their own, though at the price of diluting genuine morality a bit.

For us the problem is that symbol signals being part of a certain faith, placed in the same package as what we teach our children is right. That R in that shield was worn by the bigots who harassed me when I came out, and by the people who claim today hurting my family is a way of shielding themselves. That R means in part to say that Brian’s family should never have existed, that his parents should never have fallen in love and built a home. That R means to use a sheen of morality to undermine our family, to keep all of us from equal legal protections, and to uphold the notion that our relationships are not sacred, that our family belongs at the back of the bus. Worse, that R comes from people who’ve questioned the “moral character” of the amazing and wonderful child who came home wearing it, because of the sex of his parents. It means to teach children, our children, that their family, our union, the institute they depend on most and that will always have their back, is the opposite of R; that it’s evil, something in the LDS leaders' words that’s a “grievous sin” “inspired by the devil” on par with “adultery”, something to “terminate”.

I know many people I love do love this faith and I hate to come off as being so at odds with it that I’d be worried by a tiny plastic symbol. I know it may be impossible to feel it from my shoes as a parent. I also know people can be a part of that faith, and mean the R that we do teach our children, and hold more nuanced positions than what comes out of the press releases and official speeches.

But just think of the ramifications if anyone did successfully convert one of our children. Imagine, for example, if you were a mixed race family and your kid came home wearing a symbol from an organization that said your union was immoral, your children defective, and fought hard to be sure your home can’t have equal legal protections. No matter how much of a sliver that was of the whole teachings, no matter how charitable, moral, without malice, or how much value the members of that organization see in that organization or its symbols, I imagine most all would be worried too, if it was slipped around your child’s finger. Or am I being hypervigilant?

Brian would not understand any of this, of course, and at this point he shouldn’t. All he saw was a cool new ring, maybe one that matched the rings some of his friends were wearing, and I kept all seriousness out of my voice while talking about it. This incident is over, but the issue isn’t. In time they both will feel that pressure to become one of the group, unless we find our way out of Utah soon. I hope, if that day comes, it comes when we all can agree better on what that R stands for.

1992

2009-01-27T06:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I saw that Rob was tagged in a facebook photo from one of his friends from high school. It was during a stint as a best man, and the date on it was 1992, the year we met. It brought back a rush of fond memories: that awkward and exciting getting-to-know-you phase, that not so awkward first kiss, those many hours up late on the phone with each other... It's hard to imagine a me that didn't know him, but there it was, the most familiar face to me at a time I didn't have it in memory (at least consciously ;-)). In short and of course, it got me all emotional.

Just then the boys got home from karate and ran into the office, and immediately laughed, seemingly with incredulity, at the sight of their dad so... um... how to say such nicely? Unseasoned? They can be blunt; I told Rob at least they don't keep drawing him as bald. I'm not bald!

Anyway, I told them that was their dad when I first met him, and I went over a short version of the story they already know. Alan then asked to see what I looked like at that same time, in that adorable putting-together-a-narrative way he has. The only photo from that year I could find was my high school senior photo, but that worked great; at least we were both in formal wear and both just months before we met.
Looking at them side-by-side I'm struck by both the mystery and fate those 1992 faces hold for us (that, and by the 1990's hair).

We didn't know each other when those non-digital cameras snapped those images. In fact, we both thought we'd never be able have what we have today. But in a matter of months everything would fall into place and our union would never stop growing from there. In a matter of years we'd be changing diapers and rocking our boys to sleep, something that would have struck me, at least, about as possible as the US electing a racial minority for a president in 2008.

Thank goodness for the ignorance of young adults, right? It leaves room for some great surprises.

MoHos in the News

2009-01-25T07:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's March for Common Ground Bills

About 300 people braved driving rain to take part in Saturday's march on the Utah Capitol, a peaceful event marking possibly the most expansive legislative push for gay rights in state history.

...

Said Landa Mavety of Draper who postponed a Saturday of housecleaning to support her 23-year-old lesbian daughter: "There's a long road ahead, but this is a beginning."

Micheal's Photography at BYU

"Last fall, Embree was one of several gay BYU students who posed for portraits shot by photography student Michael Wiltbank. The portraits were hung as part of a class show, but after a week college administrators ordered the portraits taken down.

The move disturbed some BYU arts faculty, as well as critics who lit up the blogosphere with renewed allegations that BYU does not tolerate a free exchange of ideas. Within days, officials declared the portraits acceptable for public display and invited Wiltbank to rehang them."

I guess we must move papers.

Wet Common Ground

2009-01-24T15:24:00.000-08:00

Today we marched from the Salt Lake City building up to the capitol to show support for the common ground bills. Unfortunately the kids had skiing lessons and so I was alone, but it was a great turnout. Utah's GLBT must be serious about their rights to come out in these numbers, in icy rain.

It always does me good to see such a show of solidarity.

The legislative session starts Monday. As always the gay community is probably in for 45 days of stress--forgive me if I become more grumpy. But, as the public opinion in Utah is on our side on several of these bills, we may see some legislators come around and we may have something to celebrate, come Spring. Stranger things have happened.

Ant Farm Update

2009-01-24T06:21:00.000-08:00

For all the many people on edge, waiting to know the fate of our ants, have I got a treat for you.

Remember, they had a small funeral:
After which something strange began to radiate from the grave:Well, it took over the farm.
Note the little tunnel about half way down. They dug that in apparent attempt to head off the fungus, which eventually jumped the tunnel. Now some ants are yellow, and others spend all their time on the clean side of the farm.

It was a great chance to teach the kids about quarantine procedures. :-)

Wrongful Death, SB32

2009-01-23T06:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I wrote "If I could get close enough to the men in power I'd be begging." Yesterday, that's what I did.

Though I did not talk to those LDS church leaders weighing in on law, of course :-). I've no right to speak to those leaders, but lawmakers are another matter, and so I phone banked with Equality Utah yesterday, calling those on the committees that will be hearing SB 32, Wrongful Deaths Amendments.

You can read the bill here.

In short, it would let Rob sue my killer for compensation if, say, I was killed by a drunk driver, something he could only do if he were a legal spouse. As with all the common ground bills, it applies not only to same-sex couples; a dependent nephew could be given grounds for compensation, for example.

To me this bit of equal protection for my family would mean some peace of mind, to know Rob, our main homemaker, could have some recourse to be compensated for my death, if I were killed on my way home from work. Our loss of companionship and support, both emotional and material, is every bit as horrible as the average person's loss and the law should respond with that in consideration when someone acts to take our life, as it would for any other family. We're human too.

I'd like to think, "How could anyone argue?", but they will. Last night, I got the answering machine of almost every lawmaker I called and I left a lot of messages. But, when I did get a person on the line, I heard some resistance. We'll see.

Please though, this bill may be voted on in committee Monday or Tuesday. Call your senator if they are in the committee:

Gov’t Oper. & Political Subdivisions
Peter Knudson, Chair
Greg Bell
Jon Greiner
Scott Jenkins
Dan Liljenquist
Scott McCoy
Luz Robles

Well, you probably don't need to call McCoy... he's the sponsor. You can find their contact info here.

All we need to do for now is express support of SB32 (I'll try to find the IDs for the other bills as they come in). You should probably point out that the bill doesn't only help gay couples; helping gay citizens isn't often seen as a plus here :-). Also, point out the bill should decrease reliance on government welfare and transfer the costs of supporting a homemaker who's breadwinner has been killed on to the killer instead of the taxpayer.

Call your state senator or representative on SB32 and the other "common ground" bills anyway, even if they are not in this committee. Call them on any bill that interests you. With the number of them, I'm sure there are some on which you would want to be heard.

They are your representatives, your voice on what becomes law; they should hear you.

More Utah Haze

2009-01-22T07:44:00.000-08:00

In the Salt Lake Tribune: LDS open to liquor change

"The effort to do away with Utah's private club law received a major boost Wednesday, as LDS Church officials told Republican leaders they would be amenable to an alternative put forward by Utah's hospitality industry."

As a side note in this article about the liquor laws discussed by "GOP legislators and LDS Church officials Wednesday", the Common Ground initiative was mentioned:

"Officials did not specifically address a series of proposed "Common Ground" bills that would extend some rights to same-sex couples, except to refer lawmakers to their previous statements on the topic."

Why take the time to clarify the LDS affirmative position on liberalizing alcohol laws but not where they know people are hanging on their every word for more clarity in their opinion? They know their "previous statements" are being taken in a hundred different ways. They don't need to reference specific bills or even the common ground initiative by name, if it's a face saving thing. I'm sure they know that all they'd need to do is what they've done for alcohol laws. All they need to say to sway some lawmakers is that what they said in the Prop 8 fight in California is also what's right in Utah, otherwise capitol hill takes it as "only in California". So why?

If I could get close enough to the men in power I'd be begging. Real families and children are hurting because of the laws here. This is much more important to Utah homes and families than a guy in a bar being able to buy a drink without first buying a club membership, isn't it? Not that I don't think our liquor laws are ridiculous in parts, but why do bar goers get a big discussion but my husband and my kids get a side note?

I have a hard time figuring out why the LDS church leaders are okay clarifying that they're okay with making it easier to get a drink in Utah but not health care for homemakers. Personally, equal access to health insurance alone would be a huge help to our home and our ability to take care of each other. Making job and housing discrimination on orientation illegal will strengthen many homes too.

It's just tough living here, you know? Knowing my family's legal fate is decided in significant part by such meetings, by a Church to which I do not belong. The sense of helplessness in defense of my family and the frustration it breads is another sort of pollution I take in too much of while here. I think I can feel it take a toll, every bit as much as our polluted air.

Can't those Ca Supreme Court Judges hurry up and decide, so that we can finally decide where best to head? Man, I can smell the ocean breeze of our old home if I think hard enough.

Utah's Environment

2009-01-21T06:02:00.000-08:00

I took this picture while driving down from skiing over the weekend, and the air has only gotten worse since.

We breath this. It drives me crazy that our kids are breathing this. The air here is on the substantial move side of our reasons to move list.

Utah actually has the worst air in the nation, and it is, by all the research I've seen, killing people. Maybe we all should take up smoking; at least those pollutants would be filtered.

Some Utah lawmakers this session will try to make sure children can't see alcohol bottles at Chilies, or gay homemakers can't get health insurance, but what about this air? (as I get off my high horse and ready for my commute ;-)).

Under New Management

2009-01-20T07:27:00.000-08:00

Today, I'll be meeting with several members of our local minority communities, everyone from the Pacific Islander to the African American groups (yes, there's enough folks to make up a community, even in Utah :-)). We'll be there to discuss projects that have been long under way and various minority issues, as we have each month for several years now.

But today, I'm sure, will be special.

I'm sitting here in anticipation of the vicarious happiness I'll get to take back to work with me, to add to that which I'm feeling directly. I'm happy for my friends who never thought a person from their community could break that barrier, and I'm happy for all those other groups, including mine, to which that barrier now looms not quite as large. Who knows? It sounds impossible to me now, but my kids may see a gay president (aside from Andrew Jackson. I mean, just look at him.).

Say what you will about the political left or right, today means something to all minority communities. It means something good about and to the modern majority too. It shows that our imagination of an impossible to break barrier a generation ago only revealed our ignorance of barriers, of human potential.

Simply, such a step in the decline of racism helps me believe human ethics will continue to evolve towards true morality and the artifacts of our animal past, such as bigotry tribalism and superstition, won't ultimately stand a chance.

Now, let's just hope for a great, fruitful presidency, in practical terms too, symbolism aside. Someone around here (was it Ben?) said a while ago that hope is the agnostic's form of prayer. I'm praying hard.

Small Cuts

2009-01-19T07:51:00.000-08:00

When I was getting my BS I was working in a lab around heavy machinery. My lab partner knew I was gay but didn't seem to have a problem with it.

One day I was tightening a nut and slipped and cut my knuckle. This lab partner was viably upset, but to me it seemed not so much by the fact that I was hurt but that I was bleeding. She was stand-offish the rest of the day. I specifically remember, even after I cleaned and bandaged myself up, she wouldn't even take my pen when I asked her to write down a measurement while I couldn't.

Let me add, of course, with anyone, you should not be touching their blood with bare hands, but that was not the case here. It was just my knuckle, I washed up with soap and water, it never touched my pen, and I was bandaged up completely. It was not like I was handing her a bio-hazard, but she acted like I was.

I didn't ask why; I assumed I knew. I assumed she thought I had some horrible infection because I was gay, and I just took it as a lesson on how I, for being gay, can put fear in even the hearts of people who are ostensibly without prejudice. Maybe I was being prejudiced but it seemed she was okay with gay people, just not when she, in her mind, had to risk something for her tolerance.

Also while getting my BS I first learned that homosexuality was associated in some people's minds with harming children. I related that story here, but the point is the same lesson held true there.

No matter who you are, how strongly you adhere to your ethics, how chaste you are, or your utter disgust with some actions, being gay alone will cause unreasonable fear in some minds. When the stakes are high, even allies may take precautions against fears they know to be irrational; they may just think it worth while to walk 10 yards to get their own pen... you know, just in case.

I don't think this is uncommon and it really doesn't bother me much. When the stakes are high all people will fall back on reflex and prejudice. It's hard to blame them; it's something I dare saw we all do. The purpose of prejudice is, in fact, to make a snap judgment when you don't have all the information. It can be wholly unfair and immoral when applied to people, such as the prejudice that was fought by King (happy MLK Day!). Or it can be quite useful when applied to various objects and situations.

As long as a person wants my family to have equal rights to theirs, I can more than forgive some exorcise of irrational fear. It'll diminish in time, with experience. But the odd thing, the thing that caused me to post this is that I find that I'm still quite sensitive to those fears. They affect how I behave today.

E.g. yesterday, sledding, it was so warm I took off my gloves and coat. While racing down the hill, about to beat a 5 year-old :-), I fell and skidded along the icy snow. I was careful to wear my gloves the rest of the day to cover my ice-rashed knuckles, even while plenty warm and fumbling with my hot chocolate. It got me thinking back to that incident in that lab years and years ago, and made me realize, even among gay people, I still reflexively worry they would worry and I try to make sure they don't.

These are little things and they don't much matter to me in the big picture. But I'd like to know. If you are gay, do you find yourself particularly sensitive to such fears in others? Is this a generational thing? A scot-irrational thing?

If you are straight with gay friends, or even gay with gay friends, do you hold such fears? Would you consider taking a pen from a straight friend with a band aid on his hand differently than a gay friend? Please, have no worry of saying so; comment anonymously if you like. I just want to know how much of this is in my head. As long as the actions and the rational part of a person's mind is with us, I don't care about the reflexive fears we cannot control. I just want to know if they really are there, or if it's just my prejudice coming through.

Facebook

2009-01-17T07:16:00.000-08:00

On the first day of 2009 I decided it was about time I got on facebook. I did this so as to keep from feeling like I was falling behind on the trends, and because I was jealous of all of Rob's friends.

Oddly "To Compete With Spouse" is not one of the check boxes in the profile under "looking for:" and so I left that blank.

In short, I'm a facebook virgin. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with it or what the facebook manners are. Forgive me in advance.

There are a couple odd things, though, that it has made me realize.

For instance, I can't bring myself to say I'm "Interested in:" "Men" in my profile. I'm not. I'm just interested in the one. Call the NATH hotline; I figured out a partial cure to homosexuality! But does that mean I'm in the facebook closet? Even though everyone I know knows I'm gay?

Relationship status? There's no option for "married but in legal limbo or forcibly divorced". I picked married, and claimed my man. That's pretty gay.

Political views? In one line? My longwindedness and cafeteria liberalism cannot abide by that. I left it blank.

Religion? Again, it takes pages of blog posts for me to feel like I've even summed it up. I left it blank at first for that reason, and now I want to change it to agnostic so as to not be in two facebook closets, but does that then send out a notification that I've suddenly switched to agnostic? I don't want my agnostic street cred questioned by our non-religious leaders at our next non-church service.

Personal info? Is it custom to put all that in? Does, say, a coworker care to know that I like Sigur Ros, and No Country For Old Men? I guess I've had fun looking at friends' interests and so I'll get around to it.

And "friends"? I'm so bad with names and I've got people who've sent me requests that I'm not sure I know. Am I making some sort of horrible social insult by not adding them without more info? I can't even see their faces clearly in their pictures.

Then there's the whole being forced to talk about yourself in 3rd person when posting updates. I find it kind of disorienting.

Lastly, there's the world collision thing. I'm guarded with parts of our identity here, for threats I've received. But we have had no threats for a long while, other than those that come at every gay-headed family by vote. So yeah, it's probably time to let the two worlds of my blog and the rest mingle. As it's a one-way mingling though, I'm not dropping my alter ego, out of caution and habit.

It's not like we're near anonymous in the world at large, anyway. I squeeze an editorial into a paper or end up with a soundbite on the TV with my full name right under it at least once a season. Several of you have even been to the gay bat cave that is our home.

Besides, I have no choice; fellow mohos have found me.

The only horrible thing, though, is that they found Rob too! I will never have more friends than him if you keep adding him along with me!

Dear Friend....

2009-01-16T10:00:00.001-08:00

Rob called me yesterday while I was at work and asked me if I was a straight, anti-gay rights spy, like some mix between Ted Haggard and James Bond. Had he been sleeping with the enemy?

Now, I want to be clear. I am not straight. I have never been straight. I don't even have a wide stance.

While I have many straight friends, who I love with all my heart, I do not even condone their lifestyle or encourage that perverted predilection under which they suffer. Really. I'm so moral that I want to keep them from or annul the legal rights that strengthen their families (or at least that's what it would seem us gays were out to do by what Rob told me next).

After I assured Rob that I was truly gay (by reciting Olivia Newton John's part to"Hopelessly Devoted" from Grease, backwards), it came as a surprise that Rob was referring to a letter, addressed to me, from the Sutherland Institute, one of Utah's many groups out to harm our families in the name of Family(TM).
Click on it to better see the full text.

How sad and disturbing is that? You should have seen the donation card that came with it too. For 5K you can help them make decisions on how to best legally hurt us and our kids. What a bargain.

I am, of course, kind of surprised to be their "friend" and to be invited to such an event. Maybe I should go and bring all my friends, as they suggest :-). Hey, it's free; we should all go!

Seriously though, it may be educational to just sit there quietly and listen in order to hear what arrows they have waiting in their quiver, ready to hit my home. It would be educational... but difficult.

For example, I guess they are now calling the Common Ground Initiatives a dire threat to Utah's man-woman marriage law, one for which they need a bunch of money? What else could it be? Nevertheless, these bills don't touch Utah's man-woman marriage law, seem to at least be not objectionable to the LDS church (I just wish they'd stop this and say so), and they would help many Utah families and children.

It is disturbing to know these people will be getting together, scheming about how get money to best legally harm my most sacred institution, the people I love most and am absolutely obsessed with protecting. It can keep a man up.

They'll do it while imagining righteousness and God's blessing; imagining they know what being gay means. They'll do it while pretending it's moral to harm us in a way they'd never want their family harmed. They'll use words like "defend" while they attack families, and call our hope for equal treatment under law an "attack", as though taking our families' tax dollars puts no responsibility of equal treatment on their shoulders. They will say we are against traditional marriage when nearly every marriage we respect and support is traditional. They'll hope to hurt our children under another name, will probably insult them as morally deficient as the LDS press room recently did, and pretend it's all for the good of "the children". They'll believe it like a faith, with the best of intentions. And, frankly, that sucks too :-), because I know they aren't all bad folks, and I don't even get to blame it on evil or indulge in anger.

My best option is to just listen and try to react as best I can... Things like this really do make me feel like the stick gatherer. We don't share the same faith with these people; it often seems we don't even speak the same language. What I see as glorious in family--the dedication, the sacrifice, the love--they see as trash, or as something to fight, if the wrong anatomical shape is attached to it. Nevertheless, I'm caught here, and they will ditch the Golden Rule and force my home and even minority churches to live by their faith in law, if they can. And in Utah, they can.

Anyway, Sutherland Institute, nope. I'll not be sending you money to pay you to "fight to the bitter end", whatever that means for my home.

Eh, they will get something back, though. Rob stuck their return envelope in the mail with some coupons in it; he donated a little :-). At least that postage won't go to funding their righteous crusade again us enemies of proper society.

Common Ground Initiative in Moab

2009-01-12T05:09:00.000-08:00

We just got back from a Common Ground Initiative Rally in Arches National Park. As a result, I've come to believe all activism should be performed in national parks: you get in for free and no one could argue with the scenery.

I wish I could feel more optimistic about the prospect of these bills. For those who don't know, they would:

1. Give our families equal access to health care. Personally, health insurance is killing us, as we can't all be on the same policy.
2. Keep us from being fired from our jobs or kicked out of our homes for the makeup in anatomical sex of our families.
3. Allow, say, stay-at-home parents to sue someone who kills the breadwinner of a gay couple. Right now the spouse in a gay marriage in Utah has no recourse and many would likely just end up on government assistance if, say, medical malpractice killed their loved-one.
4. Create a domestic partner registry to which the above rights may be attached.
5. Finally to get rid of the "substantially equivalent" part of Amendment 3 which may stand in the way of all of the above.

Please; contact your state representatives; I know mind will soon be sick of me :-).

However, the LDS church as backed away from supporting any of these, and without them the legislators will not help us in Utah. Even a statement of non-opposition for same-sex domestic partnerships, as they did for California, would be a huge help for our families here, but, if the blogs and the editorials are any measure, this is nearer amusing to many in the church than a chance to find some common ground and help strengthen minority families.

Is it just me or do many LDS here still feel like they were the victims in the Proposition 8 events? No matter how hard they make it on our homes or debase our marriages or even our children, I fear that will be the case, especially since forcibly divorcing a family in law from their most sacred union doesn't even seem to register as carrying much weight in some of their minds. Now they can keep us from victimizing them again by keeping these rights away from us too? Or do some feel this is a tit-for-tat thing? But, eh, such worldview of persecution is a strong, ingrained part of our local culture; I can't really get mad. It's just sad, and hard to understand why they won't stop, consider the real people in our families, and trust in the Golden Rule.

Nevertheless, even if it all comes to nothing, there was great worth to us in being among those who didn't feel my family was something to fight, all under such a beautiful backdrop.
I thought this was symbolic/kind of funny: as the pro-gay rights rally was hiking up the trail, a Mennonite couple was going the other way.
After the rally we went to a couple other arches:
We went with another gay-headed family that has three kids about our boy's age. By the look of things, I think their daughter may end up marrying Brian and end up with the first children who have 4 doting grandpas. I wish I felt okay showing a picture of the two... adorable.

Anyway, we took them up one of our favorite canyons (see last year).
The next day we went on a hike with Rob's aunt, to another favorite ice skating rink.

As I had to assure my parents, the ice there is much thicker than it looks :-).

Anyway, I wish I could quite you, Utah. You're just too pretty, or handsome in my case I suppose. The Common Ground Initiatives may be a long shot... but I can't help but hold out hope for the state that will always be my home, no matter where I have to take my family.

City Hall History

2009-01-09T07:08:00.000-08:00

One of the other things that struck me after seeing the movie Milk was the history held in certain places.

This may sound obvious and it may seem strange that it struck me as special, but I grew up in suburbia, where, if they were people, I would have gone to high school with most of the buildings. Where recorded history goes back to the developer who named your street by, say, some combination of the name of a type of flora and the word 'view' or 'grove' or 'place'. I also grew up where those historical locations we do have primarily speak to my LDS background.

Through the movie, though, I kept recognizing places from our second marriage, in 2004 when San Francisco started giving licenses for the first time. That's all described here, but in this post I just wanted to share some of the snapshots I took that day, as they've taken on new meaning for me.

While there, for example, I had no idea about the protests that pushed up against these doors, the steps taken to be sure I could have the life I have now even in Utah.
I didn't know that Dan White sneaked into this building and killed Milk and the Mayor a matter of yards from where we prepared our paperwork.
I didn't know the first openly gay politician asked his staff to make a grand gay entrance up these stairs, to be sure we were seen.

These were the stairs on which we were married a second time, and, man, you'd not believe the feel of love and joy in that place that day. Each time a marriage was performed and the couple embraced a crowd gathered around the landing would burst into cheers. Those flowers were donated to us all the way from Canada. Read my description I linked to above; it was a great day.

(Doesn't our JP look like she should teach at Hogwarts?)

Check out also how beautiful the the dome above those stairs is:

If we have to do it again in Ca, I'd not mind doing it there once more. And to top it off we got to meet the Mayor on our way out (this time without the pigeon ;-))

Anyway, living in the suburbia and in the US it seems I get little chance to feel those ghosts of history. I was glad to have them inserted into a bunch of our old photos, even if they only date back to the 70's :-).

Another Confessional

2009-01-07T07:17:00.000-08:00

When the internet was young and the notion of a blog was alien to the zeitgeist, I had a site. It focused mainly on issues of skepticism but the fact that I was a gay man wasn’t hidden.

One day I got an email through the site from a gay kid. He was brought to mind recently during the movie Milk, and has been on my mind ever since, but I’ve thought about him off and on for years. In the movie a kid calls Harvey just as he’s about to be sent off by his parents to be ‘cured’, and Harvey tells him to run away. Unfortunately, the kid was wheelchair bound. The kid in the case here was in a very similar predicament; he had severe cerebral palsy, but I was no Harvey Milk.

Simply that tiny subplot really struck a chord in me, and some regret.

IIRC, the kid started off upset about an article by Oaks, a LDS leader. I just looked and I still have the printout of the link he sent me in my file cabinet, marked up by the hand written comments I’d eventually type and send back. Oaks' text may be found online here, without my 2 cents after each line :-).

We went through that, but he still had several serious practical problems with his family and church to get through. I didn't tell him to run away, and actually hoped to get the Bishop to step in and help within the family... Again, I'm not Harvey Milk. Happily, though, after a couple months he seemed to be doing much better.

At about this same time I was corresponding with this young man, I was a new father and the site (well, I...) started getting death threats, because that's what Jesus would do, right? :-) After talking to Rob, I decided to take the site down, and sure, maybe I was cowering but I had no time and two babies to take care of. Honestly, I don’t know how to deal with people who threaten physical harm to me or my family, especially for faith. How do you talk them down from the "word of God"? I know it's 99.9% hot air, and I fear backing down only makes them stronger, puts the problem onto the next generation (which of course includes my children), but what if?... So sure, I had other excuses but I also backed down. Call me a coward, but, eh, at least I came back with some extra precautions.

All that is beside the point, though. There's another reason I'm in the confessional here.

After I quit the site, I kept getting emails from this kid. He was doing better and better. He found a way to move out into a home for people with disabilities and seemed upbeat and comfortable with his orientation. Eventually it got to the point that his emails came less and less frequently, about once a month. But that was a good sign too; he was doing well, had friends, and didn’t have much more to talk to this stranger about.

One day, though, I went to check the email and found myself locked out of the account. We had been busy with the kids and out of town and it seems the account I was using had an expiration after a month of inactivity. I tried to reregister the same address but was told it was already in use, and I was just responding to his emails, without ever paying attention to his address.

So I’m ashamed to say the next email this kid sent to me went unanswered. I hope he knows it wasn’t by choice. I always answered his emails and so I hope he knew it was uncharacteristic and knows he wasn’t ignored.

Now that I know so many gay LDS, though, I’m wondering if he may still be online somewhere? Does anyone around here know a person who fits the bill? I’ll give the details that he knew would be put up on my public site: LDS, Californian, involved in computer access for the disabled, came out around 2002. I have more to verify if that gets anyone close. Alternatively, just ask any possibilities to look at my blog; he'll recognize my habit of using microscope images.

I’d just like to know if things turned out as they seemed they were turning out. That he was okay, and to be sure he knew I didn’t ignore him. (In fact, I kind of started this blog holding a hope he'd still be searching online and I’d run into him)

Face Unafraid

2009-01-05T07:15:00.000-08:00

My parents have two main go-to songs they hum when comforting a child. They've hummed them for me, for every nightmare and scrapped knee, and they've hummed them for every tiny niece and nephew I've seen come through their home. They hum them for our children today.

I guess that's the kind of habit a person inevitably picks up from their parents, because the first song I ever sang to our boys was one of the two: You are my sunshine.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

The song is more about unrequited love in the verses, but the chorus gets right to the core of me. They are my sunshine, and they will never know how much I love them, at least not until they have children of their own. And that last line... When you have politicians and "pro-family" activists up at your state capitol citing their unquestionable faith in the "Word of God" to show that gay people shouldn't be allowed to parent... well, it holds a touch of one of my greatest fears.

The second song though isn't near as serious or, seemingly, applicable; it's Winter Wonderland.

I know. My mom may be caught humming it in the middle of summer, and now I'm guilty too.

In fact, after I reflexively hummed it at a low coming-out point 16 years ago, causing both of us to crack up and Rob to feel a lot better, it became our song. Rob will lie and say that the jury is still out, in hopes for a better song, but you just can't choose these kinds of things. I'm resigned to the fact that we're stuck with Winter Wonderland; that is the song between me and the love of my life. No other meets all the criteria.

This all comes to mind because I'm putting together our family DVD for last year. I collect the stills and videos and put them to music. I've done this for every year of the boys' life (The first song is, of course, You Are My Sunshine). It's kind of my way of scrapbooking, and it seems to be worth while as the boys love to watch them.

What they haven't probably noticed yet, though, is that, while I use a wide variety of music, each of their seven Christmases are set to the same song, to Winter Wonderland, performed by everyone from the Cocteau Twins to Elvis.

This weekend I was putting together last year's Christmas and listening to the song, this time performed by Darlene Love, and I found the lyrics to be not quite as silly as I once thought:

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say: Are you married?
We'll say: No man,
But you can do the job
When you're in town.

Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Walking in a winter wonderland.

I'm not one for making New Year resolutions, but, if I did, I'd hope "to face unafraid the plans that we've made" (or at least "conspire" to do so :-))... I just wish that California's courts could decide what our marriage license is worth there, and soon, so that we can get on to the business of facing those plans that follow.

Moving would not be easy, but it beats having your family treated by your government and culture as though it was worth a marriage solemnized by a snowman.

2008, The Year Here

2008-12-31T09:15:00.000-08:00

New Years is more like the last gasp of the winter holidays for us than the climax. Rob hasn't been awake to see the new year come in for about a decade--I usually just give him a careful kiss on the cheek--and goodness knows I don't want to face two 6-year-old children new years day that have been up past midnight. So tonight we'll be celebrating early and at home.

So what do you have to say for yourself, 2008? Looking at my blog sidebar, it has been a rather large and mixed bag. In fact, if I didn't have a blog I fear I'd not have remembered all the ups and downs.

Firstly, we went on many great vacations, and they were very fun (needed more words for links :-)). The best moments of 2008 really have been those when it's just the four of us on an adventure.

I learned to never kiss aquatic mammals.

Rob herniated a disk and I became much more domestic.

Alan got glasses, I got minor surgery, and we got a bunch of new pets.

I was smuggled into a panel on children of minorities in Utah schools.

Senator Buttars had his fun harming our families, for the sake of families.Nevertheless, I hope he had some Happy Holidays.

Peter Danzig was fired for supporting Nielsen for supporting GLBT people.

I was optimistic about the new church leadership. Did I have reason to be?

I began to worry about how living here affects my health.

I did political stuff, as a delegate.

We opened isocrat.org, but it still needs a lot of work, time we don't have. We also got the blog going and that's still trying to find the right voice.

I finally got my doctorate, and there was much rejoicing.

I was rightly worried about California allowing us to have equal rights.

Rob became the "Room Mom" for our boy's class.

We met a bunch of MoHos at Pride.

I went to prison and consorted with police officers, but that turned out problematic.

I got engaged to be married, again.

The LDS church told their members to "do all you can" to be sure our legal marriages wouldn't last.

I got upset at family who support such a message.

I did what I could to address those against us at isocrat.org and reviewed the research on children of gay parents, along with the arguments against marriage and such.

A suicide got to me, as well as a beating, and an attempted suicide.

We left for California, and we were, again, married on our 13th anniversary. Those two days, described in that last link were the best days of this year and of many others, right below the birth of our boys and our first marriage. I wish we could look back on them now without that bitter sweet haze, without remembering it knowing we'd be hit down so soon afterward. Ah well...

The LDS church totally drank Affirmation's milkshake.

Then their PR department claimed they were victims if gays kept equal rights. They lied about Europe, mislead about the Catholic Boston Charities case, and insulted the moral character of my children, all with much love, in press release meant to "reduce misunderstanding".

Evergreen backed them.

LDS families broke, mine a bit as well.

We got our 3rd marriage license, and held much hope that it would keep legal weight come November.

As soon as the ads started, the poll swung from a 17 point lead for our families on Proposition 8 to a deficit. And man, talk about the ads, deceptive and dehumanizing and paid for by some in my family and many in my state. That hurt.

As the LDS seemed to have paid for the majority of such ads, I tried to introduce them to the GLBT nation.

The LDS church then pushed harder, telling college students in a video that they would get supernatural blessing if the fought against our families using "viral" online methods. Then the chain letters started; those were so full of misinformation that they would have been funny, if not for their effect on many families like mine.

But hey, Conneticuite made our marriages legal! If only I had a job prospect there.

Then a purple badger ate our pumpkin.

I began having a hard time sleeping.

Rob began wanting to move from Utah, and from the hostile culture here.

The election happened and we lost Proposition 8, but my guy won the presidency. My family was in legal limbo again.

Looking back on those posts, I was more hurt than I realized. It's not easy feeling like there's a tide of people out there who think it's a moral good to hurt those you love and need to protect the most. It's frightening. To be honest, I'm still not over it; it still stings. Back then I thought I'd be over it all by now but something was different this time; having your family being held back is not the same as them being knocked back from the legal ground once held. Best not think too much of it on a holiday though.

We spoke out, and the LDS church was shocked that we did. Honestly? They were surprised? I still don't get that.

I felt some despair, but the new and stronger gay community helped end that.

Regardless, I revealed myself to be an unimaginably horrible person.

I finally started to sleep normally again, but still feel a physical pain from the stress of Prop 8, even today. Should I get that checked?

I tried to get everyone to give a charitable gift for the holidays. I tried to make it work, but not many were interested. I really don't know how to give up on this either, and they will gift next year :-).

I leaned on friends, both old and new.

Lastly, I'll list that I got engaged again, twice in one year. If I need to, I'd renew my vows to my family every day, every hour. I'll take on those legal responsibilities and try to secure the stability of equality under the law for them as many times as others forcibly divorce us, plus one. We will start again, if we need to. This cog, in this family, will spin until it's done; that's simply the thing that I am.

In ways it's been a hard year on my family. I've three people, though, that make surrender impossible and all the losses well worth it. Come on 2009, I'm ready for ya.

And Happy New Year All.

My First Chanukah

2008-12-29T09:01:00.000-08:00

You may remember we just decided to incorporate a couple Chanukah traditions.

Last night we celebrated the last day of Chanukah with a Jewish family whose children go to our boy's school. Actually, they invited us to their grandmother's home to celebrate along with their larger family. The mother said she was just so glad to have other parents in the school interested in Jewish traditions; we rarities in Zion have to stick together :-).

But just picture it: A gay-headed family was there with a bunch of strangers and we were invited by a couple we only know from brief chats when we drop off and pick up our children. We were there celebrating one of their important religious holidays, a religion that's based on a book that, in centuries past, called for our murder.

Sounds potentially awkward, doesn't it? I know it did to me.

It was anything but awkward, though. Everyone was exceedingly warm and welcoming. We get a cold reception from uncles and such at Rob's extended family Christmas party, held each year in their ward house, but not here for Chanukah in a stranger's home. We were warmly embraced and felt more than welcome. We had a wonderful night. The boys did too, playing with a bunch of new friends and their classmate. The older kids organized games for the younger; they played dradle and such.
And man, the latkes... When I thought "potato pancakes" I was thinking they'd be kind of bland, something I'd eat to be polite--I even made sure I snacked before we went :-)--but boy was I off. I went back for a larger plate of seconds. The yam and parsnip latkes were the best but the traditional latke, with a bit of gingered sour cream, were delicious too.

Good food aside, these are the sorts of experiences that trigger an irresistible reflex of hope in me. It was much like our recent dinner with leaders of various minority groups. We fit right in; differences were there and apparent but were a source of interest and interaction, not conflict. And it wasn't that all too thin some-of-my-best-friends-are-gay friendliness in those who "hate our sin" and love us... while posing us as a threat to humanity, family, marriage, and goodness. It dosen't take long in a social conversation for me to taste the difference and this was the real thing.

We had much in common anyway. I've never been in a social situation outside of a university before where I was asked what my dissertation was about and my description wasn't met with automatic regret for asking and that social flight response. Even I'm sick of that work :-), but I actually had to answer some questions that showed they heard the answer to their first. Most every adult there was a doctor of some sort, one quite near my field.

And charitable... Talking about a class on Islam one man was taking, the conversation turned to the local refugee community and it turned out most everyone there was involved in helping out, from the school system to working at the free clinic.

In all it was an evening spent with some really great people, strangers who felt like friends. That means a lot to me, living where most strangers have it out for us, politically and religiously.

Simply, I left more happy than ever to incorporate into our holidays a bit of the traditions celebrated by such a great group of people, and to tell our boys that's where some of the "plans" for their build, as their know genes, come from (Must also get Rob to ask for their latke recipes! Mmmm...).

Christmas Wrap Up

2008-12-28T07:33:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday.

I've been so busy the last couple days; it's been a blur of family, games, puzzles, movies, toys, and repeated snow blowing.

As predicted Alan liked the punching bag the best:
He's got quite a left hook. Now maybe he'll stop ambushing his papa with his karate moves, but I'm not betting on it.

Brian was all about two things:

The white board in his room:

On his bed there he sat his stuffed animals. He's their teacher. I could watch that for hours.

The other thing he loved was the scrabble game:

That's his very first scrabble board (Yes, "HECK" was my word and, sure, it's probably not in the scrabble dictionary but it's an Utah word for sure). I've probably played a dozen games with him since Christmas morning and he's pretty good for a 6-year-old. Actually... Brian and I are about equally matched in Scrabble; he's already called me on misspellings twice. They should really have never given me a doctorate :-).

Christmas morning we had family over for brunch.
I always feel a bit like we're caving in to expectations each time we serve our guests quiche :-).

Now we're off to sled and then celebrate the last day of Hanukkah. Then New Years... This has to be the best time of year.

Waiting for the Sugarplums

2008-12-24T20:24:00.000-08:00

Right now we've got two kids fake sleeping in their rooms, and I just have to waste time to wait it out. Then my fun starts. I'm as excited as a kid myself :-).

To pass the time I may as well post, eh?

I got a kick out of a very strange sight this morning. I came back in from getting the paper to find Alan was, to my shock, emptying the dishwasher without being told to do so! I had to document the event:
Christmas Eve coincidence or Santa bribe? I don't know/care but that's a pleasant first :-).

We had a great Christmas Eve dinner with family.
And then we went to the grandparents home to open gifts from family.

Here is a clear illustration of the different philosophies my boys have regarding present opening:
That's dust all over Alan's suit. After each unwrapping he kept, in excitement, crawling under the coffee table, which apparently had not seen a vacuum for a while (Do LDS have "coffee tables"?...).

Anyway, so now here I sit, waiting for sleep to overtake excitement in the two rooms down the hall.

I hope you all are having a great Christmas... and that I get to sleep at a reasonable hour because I know I'll be up early :-).

Harvey Milk Saved My Life

2008-12-23T09:26:00.000-08:00

Two days ago we went to the Christmas celebration at our local club. I've been to this particular party ever since I was our boys' age. Now we take our children; we go as a family, they all know us as a family, and I never think twice that people may object to a gay couple attending in such a conservative part of town.

And aren't the boys getting to be little gentlemen:
Most in my family have no issue with us either, and I too often don't take the time to say how lucky I am to have all those people in our lives. Sure, the family members who fight against my home hurt me in a unique way, but they weren't there and, really, they are the minority.
(yeah, the purple; that was my sister's idea... She's always been 100% there for us and so I'd have put us all in pink if it made her happy.)

Yesterday morning we sent the boys off to their grandparents and my husband and I wrapped presents in front of the tree and a cozy fire in the fireplace. We talked and joked and fought over the tape. Cliche, but it's true; he's my best friend; he knows me better than I know myself. We're closer to two decades together than one and we still ain't tired of each other's company :-). In fact, each year brings us closer, and to not be deeply in love with him would mean to not be myself.

In the afternoon we all went out for Mexican food at one of our favorite spots. We sat and ate together; I think it's clear what our family is to any waiter or anyone paying attention. Our kids out us everywhere we go and I'm sure our body language does too. But that's not a problem; I usually don't even think of the fact that there's some political controversy surrounding us while we're out.

Grandma collects nutcrackers and so the boys bought an unpainted nutcracker to give to her for Christmas; after dinner they selected the colors and we all got to work.
Once our masterpiece was done, we all went into the living room and sat on the couch and put on The Curse of the Were Rabbit. I fell asleep with my legs on Rob while the kids sat on my back, like I was a booster seat. It must not have been uncomfortable because I fell asleep before the movie ended. When I woke up I found my husband had the kids in bed and was just telling them goodnight. I kissed them both goodnight and sat in Alan's room until he was out, feeling very lucky.
But it's not truly luck, right? I don't have such days by chance, even though I happen to be a gay man; I have them because of a lot of hard work by people I'll never know.

One thing thing I left out between wrapping presents and Mexican food was the fact the Grandparents agreed to watch the boys for a couple more hours and we finally got to see Milk. I'll have more to say about the film than what I'll put here (probably over at isocrat after Christmas, though).

I just want to express my gratitude for now. Maybe it's the season, but I've been quite emotional with hope and gratitude since leaving that theater all puffy eyed.

Sure, I don't much identify with the 1970's gay scene in San Francisco. My last two days would probably be alien to those gay men too, if not outright boring, campy, or conservative. Also and of course, Harvey Milk and many of those other activists of his day were not perfect people, and the film made that clear. There was a good deal of sex and drugs and politics. But the only "perfect" hero is the hero to whom we've done a disservice, dehumanized.

The fact is my life would be unrecognizable today without those men and women three decades ago; I would not have had the last two days without those folks standing up for my rights, when I was still in the womb. I'd probably be single in "therapy", under the weight of superstitions and self-hate, thinking there was something wrong with me and especially with gay people who were out and proud. I may be desperate in some LDS therapist's office undergoing shock treatment like so many other men of that day I now know. If people like Briggs and Aneta Bryant were left unchecked, and no one stood up, things would likely have stayed at that awful level or gotten worse.

That world that could have been, where I couldn't see there was a solution... it seems unbearable enough to make me feel, at a gut level, it's impossible, as though the very laws of physics could never allow such a thing. I suppose there is actually an upper limit to human loss before a person collapses under it's weight, into suicide, and I've seen that happen enough times to know it's another could-have-been for me and many others.

All that could have been, and yet it isn't, and I think it's pretty clear why things changed for gay people. Simply, my life, either in full or in great part, was saved a long time ago by people I'll never know. I can't thank them enough. I can only hope this generation of GLBT is doing as good of a job of addressing today's hurdles and bigots for the next generation. I know I have a debt to them I've not nearly repaid.

A Lot Under the Tree

2008-12-21T09:24:00.000-08:00

We had our big family Christmas party yesterday. It went off without tears, wailing, or gnashing of teeth; not a garment rended that I know of.

There's just too many people there we love and who have nothing against our family to focus on the few, and we were just too busy with our kids to get serious. I think I got at least a point across when introducing our family and talking about what's new for us. One family is having a 3rd marriage and so I announced that, this year, we just celebrated our 3rd marriage too, and that we may be engaged for our 4th depending upon what happens in Ca. So no confrontations, just that slight joke and family fun. I'm sure some family can tell that something is different, broken since Prop 8. That comes across pretty clearly in body language--I swear I could feel it in a hug or two--and maybe that's enough to satisfy my concern. But hey, the majority of our extended family is great; I shouldn't complain.
Before anyone comments on those odd Ed Hardy shirts as oh so cliche for our sort of family, I must assure you we had nothing to do with it :-). Grandma is crazy about getting the boys to wear the latest clothes; I swear I know nothing about brand names. Nevertheless, what a hansom family, eh?

In all it was another great event. We ate the traditional LDS potluck meal (I love to mix my potato salad with my baked beans... mmmm). Then the kids put on a talent show. Alan sang Christmas carols, and did so repeatedly. He went up again and again; he can be the most adorable ham.
Brian would rather not stand in front of a crowd. He'd rather not sit on a lap of some stranger claiming to posses magic powers either, but Santa came to him anyway:
He's my little skeptic. I've been absolutely Santagnostic with the boys, but he thinks he's figured it out and I think he loves Christmas more than any of us.

Anyway Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas! I'm just feeling gushy with the Christmas spirit, if you can't tell.

Oh, yeah! Your present. I almost forgot. ;-)

I got you two this year again. First, the practical gift, the underwear and socks in the stocking (click to "unwrap" :-)):

Who wouldn't love a little attention, particularly medical attention, right? As far as I can tell, this seems to be a very deserving charity. An abnormally high percentage of the donation goes to programs. I hope you like it but never need it.

Finally, the toy:

Listen to all their programs online or as a free podcast, guilt free, from me to you. Radio Lab programs, well, I've not been disappointed in any of them, even if I love some more than others. I hope you all find them as thought provoking and enjoyable as I have.

Again, I want to say how much I've appreciated my online friends, acquaintances, buddies, comrades, lurkers and, sure, even the reluctant and not so reluctant foes. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season!

I.S. Eve

2008-12-20T13:05:00.000-08:00

Hey, tomorrow is the solstice and therefor, as we all know, it will soon be time to give holiday presents to your internet friends and foes.

This well-established holiday will be celebrated by everyone you know online and I'm sure you have your charitable gift ready for your visitors already. I know I can't wait for you to open my gift.

Since I first brought up the Inter Solstice, though, there's been a change in one of the time honored traditions. I was listening to Glen Beck the other day and heard him link the winter solstice, of all things, to the war against Christmas! Then I heard another conservative talk show host do the same. I had no idea that the very tilt of the earth conspires against the righteous.

So now I kind of feel like the Inter Solstice won't catch on, except amongst diabolical atheists and maybe some subset of baby seal fur traders. I only picked the solstice because I felt it was memorable, non-political, and it generally came before the most popular holidays, thus giving time to guilt others into giving before Christmas or whatever. I swear, I only ruin societies by accident; it's the story of my life.

The new tradition is that only the orthodox celebrants of the Inter Solstice give their visitors a charitable donation on the solstice. But that's not necessary; give for Christmas, Hanukkah, Eid... I just hope people do give their internet friends a charitable gift on or a bit before their respective holiday; spread charity, especially with the economy the way it is for so many.
You can find out more about this wonderful holiday here. Though I never found time to completely finish the site, the bare bones are there and if it catches on I'll put more work into it for next year. That's right, guilt; I can only hope there's a contagious holiday miracle to keep this going...

Also, I want to be clear: it's tradition to just give as though everybody gives a charitable donation to their blog readers and such on the holidays. Make it seem like all the cool kids are doing it, right? For goodness sake do not link back to me or this blog. Nothing would kill a fledgling holiday like linking it to gay guy's blog.

Also, let's add, though it shouldn't need to be said as it's just like Christmas or a Birth Day this way, there's no need to leave the price tag on. The idea is just to give something. If it's 5 or 500 bucks to, say, Habitat for Humanity, great, but make sure your online visitors and followers know you gave something to them. No need to make a whole post out of it or anything, a sentence or a tweet would do; just spread it. It may be small this year, but who knows, right? It could grow into something wonderful, and you, yes you, can make that happen [to be read in a platitudey voice, like everything I write].

At that, I hope you all have a spectacular Solstice, along with all the other wonderful days this time of year has to offer. I hope you all know I've appreciated the company and following your lives as well. I wish you and yours the best.

My Yearly Christmas Problem

2008-12-19T09:43:00.000-08:00

My kids, they are nearly impossible to shop for for Christmas.

They aren't like I was as a kid. I was obsessed with Transformers. Each new Autobot or Decepticon may as well have been a crack rock. I'd go through the toy magazines and mark them up with ranked desires, and leave them out for parents or Santa to stumble across. I was, in short, way into getting gifts as a kid. That seems like (and was) childhood selfishness, but looking back now it had an upside for my parents; they had it easy.

Our Alan, though, he asks for very little. Usually it's something like a specific stuffed animal, and trying to get him to list more only sets him firmer in his insistence that that one thing is all he wants.

Brian, well, he usually wants the unattainable (by mankind or by children): a real blue light saber, a purple magic wand (must also be "real"), a red cell phone, a blue camera. This year all he wants is a silver laptop, which he, as a 6-year-old, will not be getting, and a trip to Hawaii, which he, as long as we can come along, will be getting. Fortunately, Brian isn't the sort of kid to be upset by not getting a laptop, though he'd be thrilled to get one.

Between the two of their lists there's nothing to make a big eye-popping scene of under the tree for when they wake up, and so I'm improvising again.

I've got a bunch of stuff they've not asked for from white boards for their bed rooms to Wall-e action figures. I'll be going out and making more guesses tomorrow. I'm pretty sure on some of the stuff I already got, knowing our boys. For example, Alan will go crazy over the punching bag I got, and Brian, I'm sure, will carry around the thesaurus just as he does his tattered dictionary now. But I thought I knew they'd love the parakeets last year too, and now no one in our home likes those noisy, messy and vicious flying vipers. In short I guess, each Christmas I wish my kids were more greedy, or, in Brian's case, had more practicality to his material desires :-).

You know what's odd? It seems, if it's a toy or product advertised for children on the TV, my kids won't care for it. Never have they asked for anything they've seen a commercial for that I can think of, and that's the exact sort of thing that, when I get it for them anyway, it just ends up at the bottom of the toy box. It's not that we don't let them watch tv, either; we're not above using the electronic child mesmerizer every now and then. They just seem to have different tastes from what the commercials are selling.

Anyway, do any other parents out there have some good, alternative gift ideas for the hard-to-shop-for child? Quirky things that your kids like that may not be on the radar?

It Took A Political Scandal...

2008-12-18T10:14:00.000-08:00

...to make us decide to get Brian's haircut before the holidays.
Curse you Blagojevich!