Gay Antagonists

In finding one’s way out of the closet, there are many landmines of which to be wary. As any woman will tell you, men can be pigs, and gay men may have the same failings these women bemoan. Maybe watch Dr. Phil to learn how to deal with that; me, I just recommend having the luck of finding a good guy from the start :-). But, in my observations, gay men seem to have a couple unique sorts of bad actors, due to our place in society and the trials of coming out. So, in accordance with broadcasting standards, I offer this psa. Newly out gay men, be on the look out for:

The Gay Samaritan -- This guy knows you’re confused, sexually pressurized, and looking for help. He’ll use that to take advantage of you. He’s like the creepy guy at a bar ready to dump a roofie in some girl’s drink, but, for this guy, his target doesn’t need to be drugged; they come vulnerable and confused from the stress of coming out. I’ve been hit on by such a creature; I’ve seen him switch from a selfless savior to horney sailor in the middle of a sentence. I gratefully never went for it, probably due to the fact that I had a large network of platonic help in my coming out from friends to family, but I do know a number of gay men who fell for the tricks of the Gay Samaritan. The newly out be warned.

Now, I don’t want to spread too much suspicion :-); of the helpful gays in the community I’m sure only a small fraction has ulterior motives. I know this may also sound like I’m saying that people should be suspicious of my attempts to help newly-out gay men, and, really, they should. Just as I encourage the clerk to verify the signature on my credit card, I think such suspicion is healthy. I know my motivations. I know they are to help and that I’d want another man in my bed as much as a woman (which is to say not at all :-)), but you can’t really know another’s motivation and, when you are coming out, you are vulnerable. Simply, all help coming out should be platonic help; after that’s done and your world has stopped shaking, then find a man :-). Along the way, trust a helping hand; just don’t follow it into a bedroom, or back alley, or what have you.

The Prodigal Gay -- This guy is addicted to repentance, even for false sins. Do not fall for a Prodigal Gay. He will cycle back into a “gay is evil, and I’m a repentant sinner” mode. This will break your heart. I’ve known a guy who’s waited decades for his prodigal gay to stop oscillating, even after his lover married a woman and took a relatively high position in the LDS church. Last we spoke this out gay guy was still periodically letting his lover into his heart and home. Don’t think you can save a prodigal gay from himself either; he knows what he’s doing at each cycle, even though he feels sincere about it. It simply pleases him.

The Prodigal Gay Samaritan -- This guy will hook up with another just coming out, and use the romantic love that develops to pull his target into his prodigal gay cycle when he decides to become the repentant sinner again. This is doubly dangerous. Simply, never have a romantic relationship of any sort while you are coming out or with a person who will feel guilty about it. It’s the law. Just say no, and so on.

The Crazy Gay -- Let’s face it. Some folks don’t exit the closet with all they went in with. It can leave some… um… a couple eggs short of a quiche. It’s unfortunate, but you can’t save these folks either. They’ve been hurt deeply by people who they thought they could trust and they have a lot to work out with those people before they should be considered marriage material. Before that, if you try to make a relationship with them, you’ll spend your time battling demons meant for their parents, friends, and so on. It’s great to be their friend, and love them as a friend, but, in my observations, romantic love and trust with such a damaged person will be more of a chore than a blessing.

The Machiavellian Gay -- This guy wants’ power and the microcosm of the gay community is as fine a place as any to get it. He’ll not look to you for romance. He’s more of a Nixon than a Bill Clinton. These folks aren’t in charge of the gay community in Utah anymore, but they were when I was coming out and I still butt heads with them. It’s the same in many minority groups, though. They’ll eat their own, try to pull others down so that they can get higher, and, once in control, punish dissent. Of the gays I’d warn about though, these are men to be confronted, not avoided.

Of course, there are many great people in the gay community; just as in any other. I hope I wasn’t too negative, and didn’t give ammo to enemies here :-). But, in a society that is resistive to gay relationships, there are certain characteristics created in this minority group that lead to some unique pitfalls and bad actors. The newly out should take care.

Repetition

I started a post and realized I’ve typed it all before. Giving advice is often a hit and miss and miss and miss endeavor but I do feel strongly about this topic, and I’ll just give it anyway.

Gay, a User’s Manual.

And the short, flippant version, for such tastes:

On the Box in Which Your Gayness Arrived

For what it’s worth.

I don’t want to preach or suggest I’m this bastion of knowledge :-), but this is the advice I have and I do believe it can avoid a lot of heart ache, the sort I've seen too many times. So, seeming preachy and repetition be damned; I'll accept charges.

Matchmaking Advice

We’ve this friend, a great guy. He’s adopted a couple children, biological siblings, out from an abusive home and he is amazing with them; his parenting skills make me envious. He has gotten them past some horrible trauma, and into being a couple of great, loving, and well mannered children, not to mention adorable. Even on the superficial scale, he’s quite a catch, very handsome.

But he’s single; he can’t find the right guy. I guess single dads have a tough time finding eligible and interested partners in the gay community. Seems many gay men have assumed they couldn’t have family and have stopped thinking about it or making their life conducive for it. If his idea of a date is a $200 dinner followed by clubbing, and would never step into a Jungle Jim’s, he’s not much of a catch.

Then when you find, of that 50% men, 5% gay population, a guy willing to make a family, you still have to weed out which ones you couldn’t see bringing into your children’s lives, even if you do like them… Well, you get the idea, if people like R and I don’t start early we end up with a pretty small pool.

In thinking of who I’d play matchmaker with, or what advice to give him, it hit me. Gay men of the world, listen up. I have some important advice. :-)

Find yourself a Mormon man, if you can.

[Blatant but positive prejudice based on my experience mode]

1. They come conditioned, experienced, and willing to build families. They’ve changed their infant sibling’s diapers. They’ve often dealt with more than five kids at a time, and have strong parental ethics. Throw those baby books away; while I was the last of my siblings and not as experienced, R (and our “practice baby”) taught me all I needed to know.

2. They are principled guys. Of course there are exceptions, but most have had ethics drilled into them from early on and they’d never think of cheating on you.

3. This may be seen as a negative; I don’t see it that way, but they aren’t much for partying. For goodness sake, don’t give them any liquor before they know how to manage it ;-). But, if you don’t like clubs, and would rather go to a movie or for a hike, they’re your guy.

4. If they’ve been on a mission, great. Last week I got bo po gee (sp? :-)), one of my favorites, and I often come home to a shabu shabu the likes of which you cannot get in any Utah restaurant. My man speaks Korean, does yours?

5. Sure, you may have a rough road with their family at the get go, but once that’s done, (and it will end) you’ve got some great in-laws and a strong extended family, people you’ll come to love.

[/Blatant but positive prejudice based on my experience mode]

Now, please, don’t steal another’s husband, be that another a woman or man, and certainly don’t find a guy in the closet or still thinking being in a gay relationship is a sin; that’ll be nothing but trouble.

But find yourself a Mormon man, if you can. They’re great.

PSA For the Gay #1

It’s almost Fall Pride week, National Coming Out Day and so on…

I see the signs popping up around, some suspiciously tossed under trees and bent in half. “Judge not least ye be judged.” “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and women are created equal.” And more. They’re all over

I know it’s important to have a sense of community for gay kids who feel they’ve lost theirs. I also, of course, think coming out is a good thing to do, for the vast majority. And, while I cringe at the use of the word “pride” (an insult by my upbringing), I do get it’s more of a way to show a lack of undeserved shame and that can be important to many just coming out.

Here’s my worry: I worry these events can take up more space and time and spectacle than we represent. It can lead to resentment anytime one person takes up more than their fair share, or acts disruptive. Never feel or show them shame--it’s absolutely undeserved for your orientation--but true pride of sexual orientation and display of such is just plain ridiculous and provocative.

Don’t get me wrong; I do go to and do enjoy the “pride” [cringe] parade and many other events. In general and for the most part I see them as productive, and fun. But there is this minority element in the SLC GLBTQ :-) community, and people’s notice tends to favor them (not to mention the media). Unfair as it is, we all get judged by their example. Their picture is in the paper the next day despite all the mundane religious, family, and political groups represented. While we all certainly deserve to be heard, and every person should demand justice, everyone should behave civilly and always cognizant of the humanity on the other end of our issues, despite how wronged we’ve been.

Simply, for example, what’s more productive: 1. a “drag race” through campus, one of the first events, or 2. an open panel discussion with a couple of well-spoken real-world transvestites? I’d imagine, if I were a transvestite I’d be there right along with the conservative kids in my offence at #1, witnessing non-transvestites seemingly trivializing my life with a silly race.

Anyway, Take it or leave it [cue that shooting star with the rainbow tail].

Gayness, The Owner’s Manual

It’s a dangerous world for gay kids, heck, for many gay adults. It seems the smallest of choices made by them or those around them can be the insignificant genesis of some major trauma that will rip through many lives, years into the future.

I’ve had a number of opportunities to get in the way of this problem. The first time I failed miserably. Other times I’ve been absolutely ignored. But there are times when I was told I helped, enough times to keep me obsessed with trying, even if it had nothing to do with my input. To this end, this is what I'd humbly ;-) advise (But is it right?):

1. Are you attracted primarily to men (I’ll write this for gay men; it’s what I best know)?
If yes:
Stop, don’t do anything, or make any big decisions without thinking it through carefully. Slowly, move on to 2.

If no:
Easy. Your life is perfect ;-).

2. Do you (not your parents, or your church, or your friends) think homosexual attraction is immoral?
If yes:
Keep yourself from any sexual activity with a man, and find counsel. I’d be glad to give you my take on morality (a future post) or point you to some organizations, if you like, but you’ll need professional help.

If no:
Go to 3.

3. Do you think sexual activity with a man is immoral?
If yes:
Keep yourself from any sexual activity with a man, and seek counsel that matches your morals. Again, I’d be glad to give you my take on morality, if you like, but you do need help. On to 4.

Now some may object and say all gays should follow their nature regardless, but here’s where I worry: while gays can certainly have sex with shame, and many do, they can’t build a healthy relationship with shame. They’re more likely to get themselves or others hurt or worse by treating sex as an embarrassing secret addiction to sin, than a healthy part of their nature. Simply, they first need to resolve the morality.

They’ll also need their other morals, and don’t survive well once they feel they’ve compromised them. I’ve seen too many gay kids treat their morality as a package and a black and white deal, as that's what their faith teaches. Once they “sin” by following their innate attraction to a man--attraction being such an important part of most humans that it can seem well worth it--why not drugs? Why not promiscuity? Why not cheat? They already think they’re “damned” and many are pushed outside their family and culture anyway.

If no:
Go to 4.

4. It’s very important. Are you sure about the above?
If yes:
You’re certain your answers are not what you want to be true, and not what you’re parroting from your culture or fearing in punishment. Your answer is either what’s right (at least for you), or not wrong. With as much certainty as you could reasonably gather, you’re not going to start a relationship with a man or a woman and later decide you’ve made a moral mistake. Yes? Go to 5.

If no:
Go back to 2.

5. Do you want to try to change your orientation?
If yes:
You should research your odds dispassionately and find a therapist that specializes in the area. I’ve known too many hopeful “ex-gays” who’ve inadvertently used the ex-gay groups as a dating service. It’s not that some can’t end up happy in gay relationships with families and so on--I know they can--but they do end up gay, and I believe the average to be dangerously gay and degrade themselves for their "transgressions". If you’re sure about 4, and honestly don’t want to be tempted, it seems a lone therapist is best (still, I’ll admit I’m not an expert here and would welcome a counter opinion).

Why, again, would a gay man want gay men to try to change? I don't really; from what I've seen, I think it can be psychologically dangerous, but if they’ve not reconciled with being gay, they’ll do a miserable job of being actively gay. It can be equally or even more dangerous, and no one wants a larger tragedy. Instead, I’d rather have healthier gays in the gay community. So, try to change if you want, and, if you make it, great. If not, you can always accept your attraction to men, as plainly as women do, and be a healthier gay man for knowing why you're not trying to change. For now, go back to 1 and hope it’s not an infinite loop (anyone also program here? :-)).

If no:
Fine, but I’m not done preaching yet, on to 6.

6. Are you a minor?
If yes:
Keep from sexual activity. It may seem unreasonable and moralizing and cliché (True love waits and all), but you’ll likely fair best without sex, and it will be much more useful and important to you when you’re an adult. Date, make out, be “out and proud”, but, for your own health and happiness it’s best to keep as chaste as puritans in your youth (maybe even for the first year or so of coming out for adults ;-)). On to 7.

If no:
On to 7.

7. Would your family be hostile towards you for being actively gay?
If yes:
Make sure you’re right (I was not). Feel them out. If you are sure they’d harm you, you have my deep sympathies. It’s a case-by-case basis then, and I’m unsure what to advise. But if the harm is likely to be great, you may have to hold off telling them for a while.

Still, you can’t give up. Even if you’re a minor, you’ll be out and living your own life before you know it, and there is a good life ahead of you if you work at it. But don’t go it alone either. I’d find outside counsel (platonic and more than online) that matched your morals: a close friend, a gay youth group, a minister, whatever complements your answers to 1-6.

If no:
After you get over you’re stunned state of blissful gratitude ;-), on to 8.

8. Are you in love, and loved (not deep abiding Love love, yet, but strongly attracted to a particular person you know enough to respect, love)?
If yes:
Take it slow. Make sure you’re compatible; don’t let passion and infatuation control you, as it does so many young adults, gay and straight. If you hope to build something lasting--a family, a home--you’ll need to put time and effort into building something lasting. If not, then we don’t see eye to eye on much here anyway and you probably stopped listening to me paragraphs ago :-). Go to 9.

If no:
Try not to feel rushed or discouraged at the odds; it’ll happen. Don’t go looking in the easy (wrong) places (bars, and so on). I know a number of great single gay men; they are out there. I think college is a good place to look (as any BYU gal would tell ya ;-)), or GLBT political and social groups, community centers, and so on. When you do look, look for someone who’s not made too many missteps along the way. It may be hard to become infatuated and then reject it when you get more information, but you don’t, say, want to date a guy who thinks homosexuality is immoral and would have sex with you, and you can’t morally date a guy with an oblivious wife and kids at home. You’ll need someone at least near your point, or lower, on the scale of gay trauma. Lather, rinse, repeat #8.

9. Do you want to have sex with someone (in particular :-)) ?
If yes:
Let months pass. Wait. Make sure this is the person you want. Once you feel 100% completely ready, wait another month :-]. In fact, one regret I have is that, while we did wait a long time, we didn’t wait until after our public vows. I’ve my excuses :-), but just keep in mind you may need to explain everything you do to your kids someday.

In the mean time, you should be able to comfortably ask you’re partner to be tested, along with you, for the whole set of STDs, if you’ve done the work needed in 8. I would do that, regardless. I know this seems contrary to my feelings with my physician, and maybe it is, but I recommend this for every couple, gay or straight. Also, it is different to be asked by a stranger after making the promises of marriage. R and I did that and we were both virgins. We did it for the idea of it. None of this “but we trust each other” stuff. That’s not the point; it's greatly symbolic. It’s an easy, loving gesture to your partner, and an expression of responsibility to the larger gay community for you to do it without pressure and make it commonplace. On to 10.

If no:
That’s fine too. I think gay sex can be something that scares many gay people at first. I know it worried me. You want to do something with him, but what, exactly? If you don’t want the stereotypical sort of gay sex, you’re not alone in the gay community. It's something we’ve never done, and, at this point we probably never will. We don’t look down on it, but neither of us wants it.

You’ll have to work out what you do want and I’m sure every couple is different, from near celibate to that which I couldn’t imagine. There are probably more gay couples in the world that are technically virgins than most would assume, and if that’s where you’re both most comfortable, fine. Nobody has ever hurt themselves or another by not having intercourse and just building a life with the partner to whom they’re attracted. But you should be at least near in agreement. On to 10.

10. You’re an adult gay man in a happy healthy relationship. You’re none of my business now ;-). Email me once you’re parents, and I’ll expect a good (good!) potluck dish at our monthly get-togethers as payment.
__________________

One additional concern: What little I know about drug and alcohol addiction comes from a handful of straight friends that have dealt with it. But I do know such addictions can be a big problem for gay kids and adults.

I’d certainly recommend against using them to sooth emotional trauma in the first place; it’ll help nothing in the long run. Getting psychiatric help for depression and getting on some better regulated pharmaceuticals seems like the best choice if the stress of being gay becomes overwhelming. Once hooked, I don’t know what’s best, other than the reflexive answer of a 12-step program.

I do believe though, if one is cautious with their sexual orientation, does not do what they feel is immoral, and so on, the stress that leads to drugs seeming like a good idea can be minimized. Not eliminated mind you; there are still the choices of others, choices for which you may have not control but feel a good deal of repercussion. I’d just hope the gay kid in that situation could keep his hope up. There is reason to hope.
__________________

Anyway, that’s my “manual” to avoiding gay tragedy. Clearly, it’d be a much larger tome, if we actually got a manual with our Gayness, but it’s a start ;-).

Anything need to be changed? Omissions, errors?

I’d love to see, for comparison, a gay LDS man married to a woman give their advice for gay youth, if any is interested. I know I greatly left that path off, as I don’t know much about those choices. But I’d expect it to be added on around my #5, and that there’d be pages of conditions and questions.

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