Merry Christmas From a Long Lost Blogger

Let me start by attempting another excuse for my absence. I just hope those who used to read my blog understand my need to focus elsewhere.

I've had to give up a lot to keep my family here and I've had to put much more time into work, if I'm going to makeup for the penalties of living here. Sadly, that has meant neglecting even friendships from my youth (so no offence; I've been an absent jerk to everyone but those who live with me).

I'm trying to find the most effective distribution of my efforts, given that we have to be here for now and change to such a conservative society comes so slowly. Though, you bet, it is changing and I'm thankful to the GLBT and LDS that have made the LDS church friendlier in the last couple months. I think, though, Prop 8 tempered my optimism just enough to make me plan less for the best case scenario, and more for the case where I do not live to see the day my family is treated fairly by Utah, even if we are in Utah. I had to adjust my balance.

That is not to say,of course, I’ve dropped activism; far from it. Simply, I am fuel for this family, a finite measure of fuel, and I am aiming to burn where I will burn most efficiently. I hope I am optimizing that effort in my personal, professional and political lives.

I’m just sorry to those who I’ve inadvertently ignored by not even checking the inbox associated with this site for months. If you have my alter-ego’s email address, use that and I swear it won’t be a digital black hole. Facebook, well, I try but that’s becoming a bit of a black hole too.

Those who know what I’ve been up to probably could guess, though, that this is just a quick check in. I’ve got a holiday break, but the holidays are, happily, never really a break and soon I’ll be back at it.

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you all a merry Christmas, and a joyous New Year.

Oh and a happy Inter Solstice :-).

You didn’t think I’d forget you on this time-honored holiday, did you?

No way. I got you something nice; two things even:

--Fist, the toy: some guilt-free listening to This American Life.

--Finally, the practical item: Shelter, maybe not for you but in your name and for some Utahn that certainly needs it in the tough economy and chilly weather.

Enjoy! And sure, I know I've tried to guilt you all into also getting me something for the holidays in the past. Some of you did buy me nice gifts last year and I've appreciated them. But no, I've been a bad blogger and a distant online friend. I don't deserve such a wonderful gesture, one that would be so very much appreciated and all the more special if you gave despite my rude online behavior :-).

Hey, and look at that, I'm just like Santa ;-): I don't answer my letters all year, I pop in, drop off gifts and pop out. There's a nerdy internet cookie joke in there somewhere too, but I've got no time to find it.

Again, Merry Christmas.

Been Busy

Our boys recently had another belt promotion in their martial arts class. They are now "High-Yellows".

Brian, he may not yell the loudest or punch the hardest but he's all about the discipline and much more concerned for the technique:
So serious about it, he eagerly memorizes the forms and is almost too into the "discipline and self-control, Sir!", "courtesy and respect, Sir!" aspect of it. Each morning he hurries to do his list of chores to get check marks, which then go to gaining him stripes for his belt (His parents like that part of karate the best ;-)).

But, Alan, on the other hand, is about the power. He throws wild punches and swings his nunchucks like a furious little blender. Look at that face:

These twin sons we orbit give off such different light. But light is light and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's striking, when you think about it, how much revolves around your children. I'm sure every parent sees this. These boys practically own the hearts of many people beyond their parents. We were there at the belt promotion with the biggest cheering section of any student, from both sets of grandparents to a great aunt. It's unfortunate so many look at offering legal rights and responsibilities to our homes as just a gay issue, but that interdependence in so many lives makes defending what we have all the more important.

Then, of course, as anyone following this blog for years would know, Easter is a big holiday for our family. Rob and I are responsible for the activities. We hide hundreds of eggs:

Some of the eggs have prize tickets they can use on toys.
That stuffed animal dog Alan has there is named Pico Gwuasala, and he's Mexican, or so I'm told.

For the older kids I usually do some sort of word puzzle for the prized golden egg, but this year and after much complaining that my puzzles were too tough (e.g.), we did a survivor sort of thing, starting with a peep-elbow race:
They then played marbles with eggs (which is much more difficult than it sounds):
We also did a sudoku relay race (which was more fun than it sounds :-)), and in the final trial the three left standing were given a sack of materials to be built into protection for an egg dropped from the roof. Anyway, it was a great party.

Then, on Sunday, we had brunch with those closest to us:
It's funny, I know, for a gay man or any man for that matter, that I've been very lucky, blessed in the area of family, and weeks like this week really drive that point home. That's what makes the decisions that have to be made this summer so difficult, stressing. If only we were surrounded by homophobic jerks ;-).

Okay, Maybe We Did Celebrate

Last night I grilled steaks (and hot dogs) on the back patio as the kids played in the snow. Rob made a blue cheese sauce and some pommes frites to go on top of the steaks, and a great salad. We fed the boys and then jokingly told them to give daddy and papa some time to have our fancy Valentine's day dinner. At that Brian got the idea to be our waiters.

We spent the rest of the meal being waited on by the kids for a change. It was adorable, even if our water was served in little plastic kid's cups and they insisted we needed ketchup to add to the wonderful blue cheese sauce on my steak.

But (and as long as I'm calling fried potato strings pommes frites...) the coup de grace was dessert:
Chocolate covered strawberries... Mmmmm...

Isn't even Brian's "ugly face" cute :-)?

So yeah, then we put the boys to bed and, for not celebrating Saint Valentine's Day, I'd say we did just fine.

Discoveries in the Field of Romance

As I’ve written before, we don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, never have in our 16 years together. I’m not exactly sure why. For one, it’s hard to ignore the Halmark prescribe romance… we’d rather make our own cards and make a big deal of anniversaries; Lupricalia is just too public. Secondly, we’ve no babysitters we trust on such days, but even when childless we weren’t into it… Truth be told, it’s probably greatly because this holiday, when we were coming to terms with being gay, kind of felt like someone else’s holiday, like Chinese New Year, but for heterosexuals :-). So tonight we’ll do what we want and have a nice home-cooked meal and probably play a board game with the kids, before we put them to bed and watch the Battle Star Galactica waiting on the Tevo; he in my arms or me in his, as humans and cylons work out their cylon/human issues.

Clearly, I’m no Casanova.

As I was joking Rob about our tame plans for tonight, though, he said what I already know: romance comes in different, more subtle but potent ways in long-lived love. A squeeze while I’m unloading the dishwasher, a call home during work just to hear his voice, a little note on my computer, and so on; all that works better than a dozen roses. Sure, that getting-to-know-you phase is great fun, but it doesn’t match up to the I-know-you better-than-myself epoch :-). Not many couples get to feel that sort of stable, strong center in their family, and, while it would not make for interesting drama--cylons or no--that’s more than enough romance for us.

But this is a day for love, and, if I do say so myself, I’ve done pretty well in that department. As part of my continual attempt to spread the gay lifestyle, I’d like to share some long-term relationship discoveries. My credentials? Well I am a doctor (still waiting for my doctor of love diploma, but still), add to that the 16 years of happy monogamy, and the fact we have never fought and that’s pretty good, right? So here’s what I’ve found in trying to figure out why we get along smoothly:

Touch him. We’ve never fought but we do, of course, disagree sometimes. I know there have been times when my feelings have been hurt and I’m sure it’s gone both ways. I’d say we have a significant disagreement about every other year, but they never escalate past the day they're realized. When most people feel at odds with their spouse it seems to me their tendency is to pull back. This is a terrible instinct to follow here. If you feel hurt, get closer, touch him and see what happens. In me, just a hand on the shoulder can change perspective immediately for you both, as though it was a discharge of a shock. Funny that that works, but it really does.

Always keep a white flag ready. I think a lot of couples get in trouble for their constituent’s tenacity. If there is anyone to whom you should never honestly care about beating or saving face in front of it’s your spouse. Everyone can be wrong or a jerk sometimes, but that isn’t important if you keep from spending energy looking for ways to better justify it. So, unlike in other areas of life, when in doubt, give up; roll over; surrender easily. Just say “you’re right; I’m wrong” and be done with it. Of course this means often you’ll both end up surrendering and arguing the value of the other’s position, but what better way to find the right position? Your loss is his win is your win; like a team, the only points that count are awarded to the family on whole.

Recent discoveries in neuroscience seem to show our decision making and moral reasoning is the result of different areas of the brain duking it out, but we have the sensation of being one whole personality, only cognizant of the result of their arguments. I think a healthy relationship should feel that cohesive, like a healthy mind does when compiling the results of disparate interests of the brain.

Never Wave the White Flag. I think a lot of couples get in trouble for their lack of tenacity :-). You, the individual can and often should give up, but the family you're a part of can't. I'm of the school that you never go more than a day without addressing an issue, and I'll not go to sleep unless I know we're on the same page. Given the above techniques, I've never had to stay up past 11 :-).

Date. Each other, that is. Sure, tonight we’ll be home, but we try to get out alone at least once a month. I blogged about how important I found this, a long while ago, here. Yes, it’s all about the kids and they need a lot of attention, but the kids rely on you two being a solid team and so some alone time to pair bond and gaze at each other over desert in a fancy restaurant is more than permissible. It’s as healthy as exercise, and more fun.

Framing. I’ve seen several couples, now divorced, seem to look at each other as more like roommates with benefits, even when they have kids. It’s the “You complete me” problem. The other person is seen as someone who fits into your life, makes you whole, when it is more robust to look at the two of you as making something larger whole. As a husband you are half of something bigger than the sum of its parts, and the relationship is not meant to complete or fix you, the individual. To me, that perspective alone goes most of the way to making the rest a happy cakewalk.

Eh, or maybe we're both just easy going guys benefiting by luck... Whatever, I'm just glad for the romantic holiday evening I have ahead of me :-).

My First Chanukah

You may remember we just decided to incorporate a couple Chanukah traditions.

Last night we celebrated the last day of Chanukah with a Jewish family whose children go to our boy's school. Actually, they invited us to their grandmother's home to celebrate along with their larger family. The mother said she was just so glad to have other parents in the school interested in Jewish traditions; we rarities in Zion have to stick together :-).

But just picture it: A gay-headed family was there with a bunch of strangers and we were invited by a couple we only know from brief chats when we drop off and pick up our children. We were there celebrating one of their important religious holidays, a religion that's based on a book that, in centuries past, called for our murder.

Sounds potentially awkward, doesn't it? I know it did to me.

It was anything but awkward, though. Everyone was exceedingly warm and welcoming. We get a cold reception from uncles and such at Rob's extended family Christmas party, held each year in their ward house, but not here for Chanukah in a stranger's home. We were warmly embraced and felt more than welcome. We had a wonderful night. The boys did too, playing with a bunch of new friends and their classmate. The older kids organized games for the younger; they played dradle and such.
And man, the latkes... When I thought "potato pancakes" I was thinking they'd be kind of bland, something I'd eat to be polite--I even made sure I snacked before we went :-)--but boy was I off. I went back for a larger plate of seconds. The yam and parsnip latkes were the best but the traditional latke, with a bit of gingered sour cream, were delicious too.

Good food aside, these are the sorts of experiences that trigger an irresistible reflex of hope in me. It was much like our recent dinner with leaders of various minority groups. We fit right in; differences were there and apparent but were a source of interest and interaction, not conflict. And it wasn't that all too thin some-of-my-best-friends-are-gay friendliness in those who "hate our sin" and love us... while posing us as a threat to humanity, family, marriage, and goodness. It dosen't take long in a social conversation for me to taste the difference and this was the real thing.

We had much in common anyway. I've never been in a social situation outside of a university before where I was asked what my dissertation was about and my description wasn't met with automatic regret for asking and that social flight response. Even I'm sick of that work :-), but I actually had to answer some questions that showed they heard the answer to their first. Most every adult there was a doctor of some sort, one quite near my field.

And charitable... Talking about a class on Islam one man was taking, the conversation turned to the local refugee community and it turned out most everyone there was involved in helping out, from the school system to working at the free clinic.

In all it was an evening spent with some really great people, strangers who felt like friends. That means a lot to me, living where most strangers have it out for us, politically and religiously.

Simply, I left more happy than ever to incorporate into our holidays a bit of the traditions celebrated by such a great group of people, and to tell our boys that's where some of the "plans" for their build, as their know genes, come from (Must also get Rob to ask for their latke recipes! Mmmm...).

Christmas Wrap Up

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday.

I've been so busy the last couple days; it's been a blur of family, games, puzzles, movies, toys, and repeated snow blowing.

As predicted Alan liked the punching bag the best:
He's got quite a left hook. Now maybe he'll stop ambushing his papa with his karate moves, but I'm not betting on it.

Brian was all about two things:

The white board in his room:

On his bed there he sat his stuffed animals. He's their teacher. I could watch that for hours.

The other thing he loved was the scrabble game:

That's his very first scrabble board (Yes, "HECK" was my word and, sure, it's probably not in the scrabble dictionary but it's an Utah word for sure). I've probably played a dozen games with him since Christmas morning and he's pretty good for a 6-year-old. Actually... Brian and I are about equally matched in Scrabble; he's already called me on misspellings twice. They should really have never given me a doctorate :-).

Christmas morning we had family over for brunch.
I always feel a bit like we're caving in to expectations each time we serve our guests quiche :-).

Now we're off to sled and then celebrate the last day of Hanukkah. Then New Years... This has to be the best time of year.

Waiting for the Sugarplums

Right now we've got two kids fake sleeping in their rooms, and I just have to waste time to wait it out. Then my fun starts. I'm as excited as a kid myself :-).

To pass the time I may as well post, eh?

I got a kick out of a very strange sight this morning. I came back in from getting the paper to find Alan was, to my shock, emptying the dishwasher without being told to do so! I had to document the event:
Christmas Eve coincidence or Santa bribe? I don't know/care but that's a pleasant first :-).

We had a great Christmas Eve dinner with family.
And then we went to the grandparents home to open gifts from family.

Here is a clear illustration of the different philosophies my boys have regarding present opening:
That's dust all over Alan's suit. After each unwrapping he kept, in excitement, crawling under the coffee table, which apparently had not seen a vacuum for a while (Do LDS have "coffee tables"?...).

Anyway, so now here I sit, waiting for sleep to overtake excitement in the two rooms down the hall.

I hope you all are having a great Christmas... and that I get to sleep at a reasonable hour because I know I'll be up early :-).

Harvey Milk Saved My Life

Two days ago we went to the Christmas celebration at our local club. I've been to this particular party ever since I was our boys' age. Now we take our children; we go as a family, they all know us as a family, and I never think twice that people may object to a gay couple attending in such a conservative part of town.

And aren't the boys getting to be little gentlemen:
Most in my family have no issue with us either, and I too often don't take the time to say how lucky I am to have all those people in our lives. Sure, the family members who fight against my home hurt me in a unique way, but they weren't there and, really, they are the minority.
(yeah, the purple; that was my sister's idea... She's always been 100% there for us and so I'd have put us all in pink if it made her happy.)

Yesterday morning we sent the boys off to their grandparents and my husband and I wrapped presents in front of the tree and a cozy fire in the fireplace. We talked and joked and fought over the tape. Cliche, but it's true; he's my best friend; he knows me better than I know myself. We're closer to two decades together than one and we still ain't tired of each other's company :-). In fact, each year brings us closer, and to not be deeply in love with him would mean to not be myself.

In the afternoon we all went out for Mexican food at one of our favorite spots. We sat and ate together; I think it's clear what our family is to any waiter or anyone paying attention. Our kids out us everywhere we go and I'm sure our body language does too. But that's not a problem; I usually don't even think of the fact that there's some political controversy surrounding us while we're out.

Grandma collects nutcrackers and so the boys bought an unpainted nutcracker to give to her for Christmas; after dinner they selected the colors and we all got to work.
Once our masterpiece was done, we all went into the living room and sat on the couch and put on The Curse of the Were Rabbit. I fell asleep with my legs on Rob while the kids sat on my back, like I was a booster seat. It must not have been uncomfortable because I fell asleep before the movie ended. When I woke up I found my husband had the kids in bed and was just telling them goodnight. I kissed them both goodnight and sat in Alan's room until he was out, feeling very lucky.
But it's not truly luck, right? I don't have such days by chance, even though I happen to be a gay man; I have them because of a lot of hard work by people I'll never know.

One thing thing I left out between wrapping presents and Mexican food was the fact the Grandparents agreed to watch the boys for a couple more hours and we finally got to see Milk. I'll have more to say about the film than what I'll put here (probably over at isocrat after Christmas, though).

I just want to express my gratitude for now. Maybe it's the season, but I've been quite emotional with hope and gratitude since leaving that theater all puffy eyed.

Sure, I don't much identify with the 1970's gay scene in San Francisco. My last two days would probably be alien to those gay men too, if not outright boring, campy, or conservative. Also and of course, Harvey Milk and many of those other activists of his day were not perfect people, and the film made that clear. There was a good deal of sex and drugs and politics. But the only "perfect" hero is the hero to whom we've done a disservice, dehumanized.

The fact is my life would be unrecognizable today without those men and women three decades ago; I would not have had the last two days without those folks standing up for my rights, when I was still in the womb. I'd probably be single in "therapy", under the weight of superstitions and self-hate, thinking there was something wrong with me and especially with gay people who were out and proud. I may be desperate in some LDS therapist's office undergoing shock treatment like so many other men of that day I now know. If people like Briggs and Aneta Bryant were left unchecked, and no one stood up, things would likely have stayed at that awful level or gotten worse.

That world that could have been, where I couldn't see there was a solution... it seems unbearable enough to make me feel, at a gut level, it's impossible, as though the very laws of physics could never allow such a thing. I suppose there is actually an upper limit to human loss before a person collapses under it's weight, into suicide, and I've seen that happen enough times to know it's another could-have-been for me and many others.

All that could have been, and yet it isn't, and I think it's pretty clear why things changed for gay people. Simply, my life, either in full or in great part, was saved a long time ago by people I'll never know. I can't thank them enough. I can only hope this generation of GLBT is doing as good of a job of addressing today's hurdles and bigots for the next generation. I know I have a debt to them I've not nearly repaid.

A Lot Under the Tree

We had our big family Christmas party yesterday. It went off without tears, wailing, or gnashing of teeth; not a garment rended that I know of.

There's just too many people there we love and who have nothing against our family to focus on the few, and we were just too busy with our kids to get serious. I think I got at least a point across when introducing our family and talking about what's new for us. One family is having a 3rd marriage and so I announced that, this year, we just celebrated our 3rd marriage too, and that we may be engaged for our 4th depending upon what happens in Ca. So no confrontations, just that slight joke and family fun. I'm sure some family can tell that something is different, broken since Prop 8. That comes across pretty clearly in body language--I swear I could feel it in a hug or two--and maybe that's enough to satisfy my concern. But hey, the majority of our extended family is great; I shouldn't complain.
Before anyone comments on those odd Ed Hardy shirts as oh so cliche for our sort of family, I must assure you we had nothing to do with it :-). Grandma is crazy about getting the boys to wear the latest clothes; I swear I know nothing about brand names. Nevertheless, what a hansom family, eh?

In all it was another great event. We ate the traditional LDS potluck meal (I love to mix my potato salad with my baked beans... mmmm). Then the kids put on a talent show. Alan sang Christmas carols, and did so repeatedly. He went up again and again; he can be the most adorable ham.
Brian would rather not stand in front of a crowd. He'd rather not sit on a lap of some stranger claiming to posses magic powers either, but Santa came to him anyway:
He's my little skeptic. I've been absolutely Santagnostic with the boys, but he thinks he's figured it out and I think he loves Christmas more than any of us.

Anyway Happy Holidays, and Merry Christmas! I'm just feeling gushy with the Christmas spirit, if you can't tell.

Oh, yeah! Your present. I almost forgot. ;-)

I got you two this year again. First, the practical gift, the underwear and socks in the stocking (click to "unwrap" :-)):

Who wouldn't love a little attention, particularly medical attention, right? As far as I can tell, this seems to be a very deserving charity. An abnormally high percentage of the donation goes to programs. I hope you like it but never need it.

Finally, the toy:

Listen to all their programs online or as a free podcast, guilt free, from me to you. Radio Lab programs, well, I've not been disappointed in any of them, even if I love some more than others. I hope you all find them as thought provoking and enjoyable as I have.

Again, I want to say how much I've appreciated my online friends, acquaintances, buddies, comrades, lurkers and, sure, even the reluctant and not so reluctant foes. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season!

I.S. Eve

Hey, tomorrow is the solstice and therefor, as we all know, it will soon be time to give holiday presents to your internet friends and foes.

This well-established holiday will be celebrated by everyone you know online and I'm sure you have your charitable gift ready for your visitors already. I know I can't wait for you to open my gift.

Since I first brought up the Inter Solstice, though, there's been a change in one of the time honored traditions. I was listening to Glen Beck the other day and heard him link the winter solstice, of all things, to the war against Christmas! Then I heard another conservative talk show host do the same. I had no idea that the very tilt of the earth conspires against the righteous.

So now I kind of feel like the Inter Solstice won't catch on, except amongst diabolical atheists and maybe some subset of baby seal fur traders. I only picked the solstice because I felt it was memorable, non-political, and it generally came before the most popular holidays, thus giving time to guilt others into giving before Christmas or whatever. I swear, I only ruin societies by accident; it's the story of my life.

The new tradition is that only the orthodox celebrants of the Inter Solstice give their visitors a charitable donation on the solstice. But that's not necessary; give for Christmas, Hanukkah, Eid... I just hope people do give their internet friends a charitable gift on or a bit before their respective holiday; spread charity, especially with the economy the way it is for so many.
You can find out more about this wonderful holiday here. Though I never found time to completely finish the site, the bare bones are there and if it catches on I'll put more work into it for next year. That's right, guilt; I can only hope there's a contagious holiday miracle to keep this going...

Also, I want to be clear: it's tradition to just give as though everybody gives a charitable donation to their blog readers and such on the holidays. Make it seem like all the cool kids are doing it, right? For goodness sake do not link back to me or this blog. Nothing would kill a fledgling holiday like linking it to gay guy's blog.

Also, let's add, though it shouldn't need to be said as it's just like Christmas or a Birth Day this way, there's no need to leave the price tag on. The idea is just to give something. If it's 5 or 500 bucks to, say, Habitat for Humanity, great, but make sure your online visitors and followers know you gave something to them. No need to make a whole post out of it or anything, a sentence or a tweet would do; just spread it. It may be small this year, but who knows, right? It could grow into something wonderful, and you, yes you, can make that happen [to be read in a platitudey voice, like everything I write].

At that, I hope you all have a spectacular Solstice, along with all the other wonderful days this time of year has to offer. I hope you all know I've appreciated the company and following your lives as well. I wish you and yours the best.

My Yearly Christmas Problem

My kids, they are nearly impossible to shop for for Christmas.

They aren't like I was as a kid. I was obsessed with Transformers. Each new Autobot or Decepticon may as well have been a crack rock. I'd go through the toy magazines and mark them up with ranked desires, and leave them out for parents or Santa to stumble across. I was, in short, way into getting gifts as a kid. That seems like (and was) childhood selfishness, but looking back now it had an upside for my parents; they had it easy.

Our Alan, though, he asks for very little. Usually it's something like a specific stuffed animal, and trying to get him to list more only sets him firmer in his insistence that that one thing is all he wants.

Brian, well, he usually wants the unattainable (by mankind or by children): a real blue light saber, a purple magic wand (must also be "real"), a red cell phone, a blue camera. This year all he wants is a silver laptop, which he, as a 6-year-old, will not be getting, and a trip to Hawaii, which he, as long as we can come along, will be getting. Fortunately, Brian isn't the sort of kid to be upset by not getting a laptop, though he'd be thrilled to get one.

Between the two of their lists there's nothing to make a big eye-popping scene of under the tree for when they wake up, and so I'm improvising again.

I've got a bunch of stuff they've not asked for from white boards for their bed rooms to Wall-e action figures. I'll be going out and making more guesses tomorrow. I'm pretty sure on some of the stuff I already got, knowing our boys. For example, Alan will go crazy over the punching bag I got, and Brian, I'm sure, will carry around the thesaurus just as he does his tattered dictionary now. But I thought I knew they'd love the parakeets last year too, and now no one in our home likes those noisy, messy and vicious flying vipers. In short I guess, each Christmas I wish my kids were more greedy, or, in Brian's case, had more practicality to his material desires :-).

You know what's odd? It seems, if it's a toy or product advertised for children on the TV, my kids won't care for it. Never have they asked for anything they've seen a commercial for that I can think of, and that's the exact sort of thing that, when I get it for them anyway, it just ends up at the bottom of the toy box. It's not that we don't let them watch tv, either; we're not above using the electronic child mesmerizer every now and then. They just seem to have different tastes from what the commercials are selling.

Anyway, do any other parents out there have some good, alternative gift ideas for the hard-to-shop-for child? Quirky things that your kids like that may not be on the radar?

Holiday Agnog

I've been trying to think what I could say to this post by Ben since it was put up and failed in comment form; so I just winged it and the comment got too big to be a comment (and now, for a post ,I even made it longer... and more about the general topic of agnosticism). It ultimately drifts away from Ben's post is what I'm saying :-).

[In short Ben said he's missing the religion behind the season, as a fairly recent agnostic.]

Maybe it's been too long since I became a non-believer to remember well how it used to be. It seems Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays (second to Easter--I'm a sucker for the whole Spring renewal thing... and hiding eggs). I just look at them now as something like a play that a whole culture puts on each season (which is probably why we've no problem incorporating a bit of Hanukkah :-)).

We have our big four here: Easter, 4th of July (or the 24th ;-)), Halloween, and Christmas. To me they all embody different important human qualities, and hopes, purposes; all appropriately tie themselves to the rhythm of seasons. There are some almost instinctual notions in there, and it seems to me one can get the gist of the holidays as an agnostic; maybe it just takes time to reframe them. I mean, there's still great value in the play, even if it's just a bunch of actors reading lines. Sure, it can seem silly to think of the actors and fiction while watching it, but I feel we can find worth in the broader ideas without buying into the "facts", as we do with, say, Hamlet.

[Ben also mentioned studies that show religions have a health benefit]

As for such studies, I've wondered about them too. People with a lot of people in their lives do live longer; church's give a sense of community; they offer answers to big pressing questions; they can be a safety net... There are a lot of benefits to belonging to a religion and I'd not be surprised if some extend life a bit.

I know I could join a faith that even supports my family, if I wanted those benefits. By the studies I've seen, it doesn't matter which faith you join. I'm sure I could, after enough repetition and investment, come to feel this or that church is true; I've been there before. I'm sure I could also raise our children to believe in most any faith of my choosing; a parent's faith is, after all, the predominant cause of a person's faith.

My problem would be the cost (and I don't mean tithing :-)). It seems believing without objective evidence will always have a human cost, as each human, without objective evidence, can easily come to conflicting truths. Such faith eventually comes to conflict, sometimes violently, and can often blind people to new evidence (I know this may sound offensive but I'd wager, say, any LDS talking with an ardent and faithful Scientologist would find the same problem). I know people get a lot of joy from religions and many absolutely KNOW their faith is the Truth, but people get that joy and certainty even from faiths that require them to hurt others for it. I know it is often innocuous, but when it goes bad and faiths clash with no hope of surrendering to objective experiment, it really goes bad. The cost in violating that agnostic core principle seems simply too high, even if there is truly a health benefit, even if what I'm asked to take on faith seems innocuous at first.

In general, I think many people may look at agnosticism or skepticism as laziness or confusion or cynicism, but there is actually quite a demanding and, for me, inspiring principle there. The bad news is we are far from perfect truth detectors and that is something agnostics must live with: every human sees patterns where there are none; our senses and feelings leave us eternally susceptible to error; we reflexively use superstitions as coping mechanisms; we'll even rewrite memories to match our expectations. All that is well documented... if you trust the documentation ;-).

We say great truths have great value, though, so much value that to feel you know truth is to admit your disinterest in knowing truth. Every sentence we write would start with an "it seems" if we were up to wasting the effort. But, on the up side, there is honesty and humility for us in doubt. There is a resolve in the universe that you don't imagine has you in mind. There is nobility and respect in being torn apart by a tragedy, not pretending to know why it hit or if someone is, say, in a better place. There is meaning in a life that means what it says, and purpose to be found in the purpose you openly choose, and morality to be found in actions done for morality's sake, no reward and no punishment in mind.

In a way, there may even be a religious quality to my agnosticism. There is temptation and demons and hedonism for the agnostic, especially for agnostics in some cultures. Strong faith can feel really good; it can make you one of the group (or even keep you in your family). There is also the sacred for the agnostic in epistemological discipline and restraint. I'm also sure every agnostic is a sinner to their own principles; I'm guilty; no human gets through life without some sort of magical thinking (hey, it's agnostic original sin). Or maybe I'm just too used to framing things in religious terms... :-)

There, I'm done proselytizing.

Happy Hanukkah

I think one of the greatest aspects of being in a gay-headed family is one of the things people often deride: our inevitable lack of direct genetic relation. Like many other infertile couples, until science advances, at least one parent will always be genetically unrelated to their child (well, unrelated is misleading as humans share so many genes it's hard to quibble about a tiny percentage of single nucleotide polymorphisms, but some people do and you get the point).

I think nothing more shows the meaning of family, though, than the ability of some to get beyond those Darwinian urges and just love.

Which brings me to the fact that our boys are ethnically Jewish, and neither Rob or I are. We've debated back and forth how far into Jewish culture we should get, if at all. There's the idea that, because they are our children and genetics don't matter to either of us, we should just keep passing on our LDS-Christian-rural Salt Lake culture, green jello and all. There's also the idea that, because their genes carry some cultural baggage in the eyes of the greater public, we should change our culture to show how the child has changed our family, to show some sort of integration and pride to those who'd pick on yet another minority. Heck, when I was in High School, being Jewish was still a bit of a problem in Utah and such bias still hangs around, I'm sure.

So far, though, I've leaned towards just sticking with what we know.

I suppose these decisions are differently made when your child is visually put in a different racial category. Outsiders may continually remind them they are different from their parents and so it makes more sense for parents to take on a new cultural dynamic. While it's clear we're not all genetically related, we look to be in many of the other artificial categories; people tell us our boys almost look like clones of Rob and I. But the twins know how they came to be and they know they are, in significant part, ethnically Jewish, just as their dad is predominantly French and their pop is predominantly German/English. And they aren't shy telling people about such info. We've left no traumatic surprises about our family's history for them to have in the future and that's worked great so far; such facts are just facts to them now, like their eye color.

Recently their school began teaching about Hanukkah, though, along with Christmas and they were bringing home related work. The other day Brian sang us a song about the menorah and we asked if he thought we should light a menorah. At a yes, we researched the meaning behind it and consulted a Jewish friend, to make sure it wasn't any more offensive to Judaism for us to do so as it would be to Christianity for us agnostics to put an angel on our tree.

In the end, this year, we'll be incorporating one more culture into our holidays.

You wouldn't believe how hard it is to find a menorah, or, well... you probably would, considering where we live. It wasn't easy, but we found one. This was the best we could find:
I'd like to have had something a bit more simple, but the kids like it.

Anyway, I now hope you all have a Happy Hanukkah!

(We're Chris Buttar's nightmare, aren't we?)

Happy Holidays, Senator Buttars

It seems Senator Buttars, our head anti-gay legislator here in Utah, has, once again, found the liberal plot to destroy the US at work.

"[Buttars' new bill] would encourage the use of 'Merry Christmas,'" Buttars said of the non-binding statement that is still being drafted. "I'm sick of the Christmas wars -- we're a Christian nation and ought to use the word."

That's right, my dear honorable Senator, the liberals are out to destroy your this christian nation, and your favorite holiday, your precious "Christmas". You better fight hard on this one. The gays are behind this conspiracy too, yeah. But you already knew that.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha.

Truly you are a clever opponent, and we here in the secular-humanist cult are trembling at the thought that you may tell us to stop saying "Happy Holidays" with a nonbinding and unconstitutional resolution. That's like our biggest weapon in the culture wars. Some may think you to be comically repugnant to get upset at a "Happy Holidays", but I hear ya. Only a jerk would wish you a happy holidays, right? It's not meant to cover the multiple holidays like Christmas and New Years. It's not said to avoid seeming stupid by wishing our Jewish friends a good time celebrating Jesus' B-day. It's a vocabularic salvo in a war. That's right, it's a lot like a W-A-R, the kind with blood and death and stuff; you're not being hysterical. And we would have gotten away with it too!

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

We're so upset, now that you're on to us, we're gnashing our teeth and all that. At the next Anti-Christians League of Doom meeting, in our dank cavern buried deep beneath Utah's only Hooters, you can bet you'll be on the agenda. You've struck the fear of God into the black pebbles of coal we call hearts... for now. But you will not win.

Mwah-ha-ha.... ha.

Fact is, as you should know by now, our whole gay rights thing was just a means to distract you from the Christmas Wars (Copyright Bill O'Reilly, all rights reserved). We are disheartened to hear you'll now be spending resources where it really counts. Sure, we wish you'd start blindly flailing at our families again, instead. I mean, how will I make it through the winter with you busy on this pressing legislative issue and not attacking my family in one way or another? How will I even know when the legislature is in session if I'm not afraid for my loved ones? That's why we're here, for your abuse, to distract you. Please, think of the children, Senator; there's so much more you could do to harm children!

You can't stop all of our plans this year, though, and we're planning something big.

Mwah-ha-ha. ha.... Mwah-ha.......

Just you wait and see how we defile your precious holiday. We plan to do all this pagan stuff, like decorate trees and hang lights and stockings. And we'll do it right around the mystical winter solstice, as though we're worshiping some dying pagan god, coming back to life with the sun's return! We'll also worship fat bearded men at malls, and we'll tell our kids he's the true judge of their character and that he has magic powers, just like a demon-fueled wizard in Pharaoh's court. We'll spend and spend on materialistic crap no one needs, especially at stores that wish us "Happy Holidays", the bastards! Just you wait and see how we'll ruin Christmas this year! You won't even be able to recognize it.

Thanksgiving

How my son dressed himself for Thanksgiving Dinner:
How he ended up being dressed for Thanksgiving Dinner:
We've been learning a lot about the word compromise this month. After a substantial discussion on how a historical pirate would sooner be seen in a sweater and black pants than shorts and a t-shirt, particularly a Saint Patrick's Day t-shirt (Were there Irish pirates?), we all got our way :-).

Anyway, I hope you all had a great holiday, and none of you are in some God forsaken Walmart right now fighting over half-priced Chia Pets or something.

We had a wonderful day of family and food, though I seem to have lost an arm:
I blame the pirate.

Thanks

Or fanks as our kids used to say (I miss their speech impediments!).

My husband, my kids, my parents, family, friends, health, food, home, shelter... One could go on and on but there's no time today.

I'll just say, for the first day since Proposition 8 passed I didn't wake up at 5 AM or earlier from a frustrating debate in a dream with some guy justifying harm to my family in one way or another. I've been in full subconscious (and conscious) protective mode for a long time now.

Instead I woke up with the twins hopping in bed with a tickle assault. After I soundly defeated them and they begged for mercy, I went back to half sleep as they watched the parade. Now, there's something to be thankful about.

Happy Thanksgiving all.

Inter Solstice

Long time blog readers may remember last Christmas I got you all presents, some irrigation water and some public radio to share, and I hope you enjoyed them.

I was very happy to get gifts in return... from some of you, and I in no way think less of the those who wouldn't get me anything, even though I wasn't asking for much at all, and it would have been totally easy just to get me a measly mosquito net or something; I'd have shared it with your other readers even.

Anyway, I'm sure you had your reasons.

But darn it, I'm not giving up. In fact, I'm pushing it further and we (yes that we means you too) are going to create a new holiday.
The holiday is the Inter Solstice (it was an available domain name :-)) and here are the preliminary holiday traditions:

1. When. The Inter Solstice is celebrated on the Winter Solstice, of course, with the giving of gifts presented in a blog post, comment, tweet, or so on. This year the Inter Solstice will fall on the 21st of December (at 11:59 AM UT, for our orthodox celebrants).

2. What. All Inter Solstice gifts are charitable and tax-deductible donations of any size, given in the name of your digital friends. Learn how to get your Inter Solstice shopping and gift wrapping done, here, and get your gifts out early that day so others may have a chance to reciprocate.

3. Who. Inter Solstice is nondenominational, requiring only a provisional belief in the sun and a vague understanding of the internets. There is no reason to worry if your friends or followers celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, or nothing at all; we're all under the sun.

4. Appropriate Gifts. Inter Solstice is nonpartisan. You have a lot of different online friends and lurkers, some who hate everything you stand for, right? Be honest. So, how do you find a gift they'll all enjoy? As with art or pornography, you know it when you see it. Oxfam and Toys for Tots are probably kosher, for example, but celebrants should stay clear of donations to, say, organizations like the Family Research Counsel or Planned Parenthood. You can find gift ideas here.

5. Guilt. As with many traditions, guilt is a significant part of Inter Solstice. A life-saving vaccination is a life-saving vaccination, regardless of whether it came from spontaneous charity or grotesque ego manipulation. And really, what kind of person refuses to get their friends a present on the holidays, right? You don't want to be thought of as some unmannered good-for-nothing, do you? You see, shameless pandering is an Inter Solstice staple and should be used to spread charity like a virus. You could help do that by listing your gifts and recipients, here.

We here at InterSolstice.org hope you will consider celebrating and expanding this fledgling hint at a holiday. You can show your appreciation for your friends, encourage charity in others, and make a difference in people's lives when they need it the most.

Contact us; we'd love to hear your suggestions on how to build on Inter Solstice traditions. Maybe you could share a neat new gift wrapping graphic, or help build some elaborate and false mythology around the day. Or you can simply share an Inter Solstice miracle (Like experiencing a preternatural lack of spam for a week after donating or something... I don't know what to expect; it's a new holiday).

See some suggestions for how to get shopping, here, and thank you.

I'm looking for:

1. Of course, about a week before the solstice I hope other will indicate on their blog, facebook, what have you that they will be celebrating, in order to give warning to others. Then I hope they do celibate in the (1st annual) traditional manner on the solstice. You have a lot of online friends for whom you should get gifts on the holidays but many would freak out if they got a package in the mail from on online personality, right? Instead, get a charitable donation in their name and encourage them to do the same. Like I said, lets spread charity it like a virus.

2. Help me make the site work and presentable. The draft is here, and please note not all of it is working but you can get the idea. I've been working on it for a while but got sidetracked with the election. Don't, for example, use the contact form there, just yet; you can send your suggestions by email or comment here. I really want this to work and spread charity, particularly at this time when many families are in financial trouble. So can you give me your suggestions? What would make this into a substantial internet meme and spread charity? I'll take anything: criticism on the color pallet, new "traditions", ideas for interactivity, new graphics...

And consider this your traditional Inter Solstice warning; you will all be getting a gift from me for the holidays and I want one back :-).

Walking the Neighborhood and Extorting Candy With Bounty Hunters

Here we are about to head out last night.
Aren't my little bounty hunters adorable? Boba Fet was always the coolest looking Star Wars character to me as a kid.

Me, well, isn't it obvious? I'm dressed as, uh, a...? Joe the Scientist? Average Gay Man? Guy Who Forgot to Shave That Morning?

Anyway, I hope you all had as much fun as we did. Remember, parents, your kids brought home a lot of tooth-rotting candy. It would be negligent of you to not help them eat it.

Happy Halloween

Those are our pumpkins this year; we're all there. I'm in the back, Rob is in the front and Alan is the tiny speck of a pumpkin between me and Brian with the magic marker vampire face you can't really see (It's the one he wanted...).

Brian, of course, has been wondering if our jack-o-lanterns will lure Roadie the purple badger back for another snack. If kids smash them tonight, I'm sure Rodie will get the blame. I'd still love to know where he got the idea that badgers live off of pumpkins.

Also, check out the cool spider web we have up: It took a bunch of string, theft of one of Rob's Halloween decorations (for scale that spider is about a yard in diameter), and a google image search of "spider web". The web goes from our roof to the ground. I have to brag and show it off here because my family is officially sick of hearing me say "Didn't I do a great job on our spider web" each time we pull into the drive. Nevertheless, didn't I do a great job on our spider web?

Anyway, Happy Halloween! (then 4 more days of politics and... well.. Happy Halloween.)

I'm a Sucker for...

...community. I feel hokey just writing that, but I am. State Fair, County Fair, Gay Pride, Cinco de Mayo. I'll try to take my family to all of them; I'm not picky. I love every award winning pig, pie eating contest, every pandering local politician, and candy tossing beauty queen; yes, the girl queens too. Rob, well, not so much.

I wonder a bit if my love of such isn't a reaction to that push of my culture for us to be outsiders, others. I guess that could be part of it, but certainly that doesn't explain every bit of the joy I find in, say, a life-sized butter sculpture. I find a lot of pleasant peace in just milling around with my neighbors, everyone relaxed, and celebrating as a community.

On the 24th, our neighborhood has a parade that consists mainly of kids with decorated bikes, and politicians in vintage cars. It's a great event for us. We waved through the heat in the parade, and the kids ate the candy as fast as it was thrown:
We then played at the little fair they had in a grass field next to a local elementary school until it was time for fireworks.


Is there anything like laying on your back on the grass waiting for fireworks to start?

Anyway, welcome to the valley Brigham. Here's to the day when such feelings of community in Utah are there every day for every family.