Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Happy Holidays, Senator Buttars

It seems Senator Buttars, our head anti-gay legislator here in Utah, has, once again, found the liberal plot to destroy the US at work.
"[Buttars' new bill] would encourage the use of 'Merry Christmas,'" Buttars said of the non-binding statement that is still being drafted. "I'm sick of the Christmas wars -- we're a Christian nation and ought to use the word."
That's right, my dear honorable Senator, the liberals are out to destroy your this christian nation, and your favorite holiday, your precious "Christmas". You better fight hard on this one. The gays are behind this conspiracy too, yeah. But you already knew that.


Truly you are a clever opponent, and we here in the secular-humanist cult are trembling at the thought that you may tell us to stop saying "Happy Holidays" with a nonbinding and unconstitutional resolution. That's like our biggest weapon in the culture wars. Some may think you to be comically repugnant to get upset at a "Happy Holidays", but I hear ya. Only a jerk would wish you a happy holidays, right? It's not meant to cover the multiple holidays like Christmas and New Years. It's not said to avoid seeming stupid by wishing our Jewish friends a good time celebrating Jesus' B-day. It's a vocabularic salvo in a war. That's right, it's a lot like a W-A-R, the kind with blood and death and stuff; you're not being hysterical. And we would have gotten away with it too!


We're so upset, now that you're on to us, we're gnashing our teeth and all that. At the next Anti-Christians League of Doom meeting, in our dank cavern buried deep beneath Utah's only Hooters, you can bet you'll be on the agenda. You've struck the fear of God into the black pebbles of coal we call hearts... for now. But you will not win.

Mwah-ha-ha.... ha.

Fact is, as you should know by now, our whole gay rights thing was just a means to distract you from the Christmas Wars (Copyright Bill O'Reilly, all rights reserved). We are disheartened to hear you'll now be spending resources where it really counts. Sure, we wish you'd start blindly flailing at our families again, instead. I mean, how will I make it through the winter with you busy on this pressing legislative issue and not attacking my family in one way or another? How will I even know when the legislature is in session if I'm not afraid for my loved ones? That's why we're here, for your abuse, to distract you. Please, think of the children, Senator; there's so much more you could do to harm children!

You can't stop all of our plans this year, though, and we're planning something big.

Mwah-ha-ha. ha.... Mwah-ha.......

Just you wait and see how we defile your precious holiday. We plan to do all this pagan stuff, like decorate trees and hang lights and stockings. And we'll do it right around the mystical winter solstice, as though we're worshiping some dying pagan god, coming back to life with the sun's return! We'll also worship fat bearded men at malls, and we'll tell our kids he's the true judge of their character and that he has magic powers, just like a demon-fueled wizard in Pharaoh's court. We'll spend and spend on materialistic crap no one needs, especially at stores that wish us "Happy Holidays", the bastards! Just you wait and see how we'll ruin Christmas this year! You won't even be able to recognize it.


Kengo Biddles said...

I am so sick of Chris Buttars! I'm of half a mind to tell every liberal/progressive/sane person I know to move to West Jordan, just to ouster him in the next election.


kevin said...

Haha, good one. It reminds me of Toby Keith's contribution to Stephen Colbert's Christmas Special. I thought it was a joke, but then I realized it could actually be a legitimate country song. And I became frightened...

Isn't there some kind of anti-trust law that prohibits one religion from monopolizing a month?

[kɹeɪ̯ɡ̊] said...


"we're a Christian nation"


I just don't get it. How can people, especially (presumably) educated people really actually believe that the US is some sort of "Christian" country? I mean seriously! AH! It makes no sense! How can you be allowed in the Legislature of state government and not know how the freaking government works that YOU ARE A PART OF?!?!

Seriously, there need to be constitutional comprehension tests and vetting for these people. How is it that I, as a Canadian, know and understand constitutionality better than those whose job it is?

This makes me all sorts of angry and crazy.

Queers United said...

Seasons Greetings =)

Marlo said...

you may be pleased to know (if you didn't already) that your Senator friend *cough* made Keith Olbermann's worst-persons-in-the-world list today. He was the number 1 :)

Scot said...

"I'm of half a mind to tell every liberal/progressive/sane person I know to move to West Jordan, just to ouster him in the next election."

[sigh]... in 6! years. Can't his church call him on a mission or something. Somebody pull some strings.

Kevin "It reminds me of Toby Keith's contribution to Stephen Colbert's Christmas Special."

Ha, I loved that, along with John Stewart's tepid advocacy of Hanukkah.

"Isn't there some kind of anti-trust law that prohibits one religion from monopolizing a month?"

Well, to be fair, I think gay history month is coming up :-).


What always makes me laugh about this is to consider the fact that, with their publicly expressed religious views (e.g. denying Jesus' divinity), men such as Jefferson would NEVER get past a primary nowadays.

Q.U. "Seasons Greetings =)"


"He was the number 1 :)"

We here in Utah get the best press :-). I'll have to listen to it on their podcast.