Happy Holidays, Senator Buttars

It seems Senator Buttars, our head anti-gay legislator here in Utah, has, once again, found the liberal plot to destroy the US at work.

"[Buttars' new bill] would encourage the use of 'Merry Christmas,'" Buttars said of the non-binding statement that is still being drafted. "I'm sick of the Christmas wars -- we're a Christian nation and ought to use the word."

That's right, my dear honorable Senator, the liberals are out to destroy your this christian nation, and your favorite holiday, your precious "Christmas". You better fight hard on this one. The gays are behind this conspiracy too, yeah. But you already knew that.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha.

Truly you are a clever opponent, and we here in the secular-humanist cult are trembling at the thought that you may tell us to stop saying "Happy Holidays" with a nonbinding and unconstitutional resolution. That's like our biggest weapon in the culture wars. Some may think you to be comically repugnant to get upset at a "Happy Holidays", but I hear ya. Only a jerk would wish you a happy holidays, right? It's not meant to cover the multiple holidays like Christmas and New Years. It's not said to avoid seeming stupid by wishing our Jewish friends a good time celebrating Jesus' B-day. It's a vocabularic salvo in a war. That's right, it's a lot like a W-A-R, the kind with blood and death and stuff; you're not being hysterical. And we would have gotten away with it too!

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

We're so upset, now that you're on to us, we're gnashing our teeth and all that. At the next Anti-Christians League of Doom meeting, in our dank cavern buried deep beneath Utah's only Hooters, you can bet you'll be on the agenda. You've struck the fear of God into the black pebbles of coal we call hearts... for now. But you will not win.

Mwah-ha-ha.... ha.

Fact is, as you should know by now, our whole gay rights thing was just a means to distract you from the Christmas Wars (Copyright Bill O'Reilly, all rights reserved). We are disheartened to hear you'll now be spending resources where it really counts. Sure, we wish you'd start blindly flailing at our families again, instead. I mean, how will I make it through the winter with you busy on this pressing legislative issue and not attacking my family in one way or another? How will I even know when the legislature is in session if I'm not afraid for my loved ones? That's why we're here, for your abuse, to distract you. Please, think of the children, Senator; there's so much more you could do to harm children!

You can't stop all of our plans this year, though, and we're planning something big.

Mwah-ha-ha. ha.... Mwah-ha.......

Just you wait and see how we defile your precious holiday. We plan to do all this pagan stuff, like decorate trees and hang lights and stockings. And we'll do it right around the mystical winter solstice, as though we're worshiping some dying pagan god, coming back to life with the sun's return! We'll also worship fat bearded men at malls, and we'll tell our kids he's the true judge of their character and that he has magic powers, just like a demon-fueled wizard in Pharaoh's court. We'll spend and spend on materialistic crap no one needs, especially at stores that wish us "Happy Holidays", the bastards! Just you wait and see how we'll ruin Christmas this year! You won't even be able to recognize it.