Room Mom

Cher fanboy aside, we just found out that Rob has been given a new title, one we can both agree upon. He was just selected to be the "Room Mom" for our boy's first grade class.

I take it he's the first male to hold this position, as they apparently don't have any description of the responsibilities that doesn't call him mom :-).

He'll be helping at the school quite a bit next year, be a liaison between the teacher and parents, and be responsible to show new parents the ropes of the school. We very much appreciated our Room Mom and I'm sure he'll be great at it too [Scot says as he finishes off one of Rob's amazing sugar cookies].

Is it odd that such still surprises me? That it's something I find worthy of mention even? The degree to which our family structure isn't an issue in our personal circle of friends and acquaintances, in a state where, just outside that circle, are a good number of legislators, religious leaders, and activists saying and doings some horrible things to gay people... don't get me wrong, I'm happy for it, but it is kind of strange, no?

The teachers, administrators, parents, and area of the school are predominately LDS and the school's guiding philosophy, in general, is conservative (actually a reason we choose it, as I loved my schooling in a local Christian elementary school). But there just hasn't been a single problem, and I know I've made this same post before, but who would have predicted that ten years ago, let alone at our boy's birth? Should I keep being pleasantly surprised?

Rob will be the Room Mom without a bump, our kids are getting along great there, and all the parents have been wonderful; some have even become friends close enough that we socialize at each other's homes, outside of birthdays and play dates :-). At the last parent teacher's conference, in fact, Brian's teacher even went out of her way to tell us she wanted us to know that she thought we had given our boys a "superb home environment." This is from a woman who takes on faith (or who is supposed to anyway) that we are a sub par, non-ideal family, particularly for children (if she is even supposed to use the word family for us; is she?).

I'm just happy, glad to keep on bracing for something that might not come, and proud of our "room mom." Right now he's with the class at the zoo, but when we're all home I'll be sure to tell him that.

(I wonder if the boys will like having a parent there so much? They can't then get away with anything that won't follow them home :-))

Just Another Family

Our boys’ school, for each child, has what they call a family spotlight. About every other week there is a day where one child brings a poster telling about themselves and their family and brings in family guests to meet their class. Last week was the spotlight for both our boys (though they are in separate classes).

I’m left feeling a bit foolish. I just posted on this last month, but yet again I found myself tensing up. What questions are the kids going to ask about our family? How do we answer them in a way that is honest and absolutely doesn’t make it seem to our boys we are downplaying the strength, form, love and solidity of our family, without stepping on the religious toes of some of the other parents who may be LDS?

I should have learned by now. There were no tough questions, no awkward pauses. The kids already know; their families have apparently already processed the issue with them. All I heard was one kid asked another if I was Brian’s Dad or Papa.

I thought I’d have something to work out and blog about, but there’s happily not much :-)

The questions we did get were along the lines of “Um, what’s your favorite toy?” and “I used to be Brian’s girlfriend but he won’t be my boyfriend anymore.” That last one was from the same girl I mentioned in this post. Once again, little girl, that’s not even a question.

Anyway, they both did a great job with their presentations:

We were all very proud. Rob and I are also more than grateful for the network of support that came with us (as well as the support of the dog and parakeet...).

Afterwards they had a playdate with about 6 of their friends. We took them all bowling. Yes, it is quite stupid to put that many kindergarteners in the vicinity of heavy, fast moving masses, but we got away with only a couple pinched fingers and one hurt toe for the fun.


I’m not sure if their technique is allowed in the rules of bowling but the kids were picking up strikes right and left:

Amazing huh? (Forgive the blocked out faces; best not post pictures of friend’s kids.)

Okay, don’t blame me that I’m about to type now well past an appropriate stopping point; Java said she likes it when I ramble :-)

Thinking on it, you know what is probably really scary, what keeps our detractors here in Utah up at night (fully clothed in pajamas, in separate beds with extra-firm mattresses, just like June and Ward Cleaver)?

Our family spotlight was just another family spotlight. We came and went. Our kid’s poster will hang up in that classroom for a couple weeks, and kids will just pass by it as casually as they did with any other. There is no issue with us taking a bunch of kids bowling. There is no meeting we need to have with teachers or parents. Heck, one teacher pulled my mom aside and went on again about how she wished all her students had the sort of family support we’ve given our boys (she also told us, to my great relief, that there hasn’t been a single issue related to our family that she’s heard from the children or parents).

No, what our detractors probably fear most is the joyous humdrum of it all. They have so much invested in a faith that our family will do poorly, be controversial, and that our kids with suffer (even if it has to be at the hands of their kids, with “love” and in faith of course; it’s not hate, never hate… :-)). They have put near all their eggs, all their reasons for denying our home equal rights and responsibilities under the law in one basket, in their mantra that our kids need not us, but some mom and a dad, that they need the “ideal family.” But that is all wrong for my family and for our children; I see it personally every day, from the time I prepare breakfast to my last hug goodnight.

No, what we hear now as blessed silence, to the ears of our detractors, is the raucous sound of their rickety worldview in mid collapse.

Crypto-Activism

I’ve said how uncomfortable I am with the word “activist,” and I still am. Nevertheless, I still do activist-like activities, wherever the chance arises. But, naturally being more of a good cop than bad cop, my interactions with government in Utah are pretty much limited to Salt Lake. I hate to say it, but the rest of the state and the state as a whole have governments that don’t generally want to hear the concerns of our families, and good cops can’t do much when no one wants to talk. Thank goodness for bad cops!

And that brings me to one of my favorite friends again: the friend I mentioned a couple posts ago. I can’t say enough good things about her.

She was invited to a state Department of Education summit on the concerns of ethnic minorities in the Utah school system. And there are many concerns here that need to be addressed. Knowing the state, though, would not hear from gay and lesbian parents or parents of gays and lesbians in such an influential forum, she asked if I would like to come and give my input. I, of course, said yes. The organizers said I could come only as an observer, not on the panel making the decisions. I don’t blame them (they were constrained by the “ethnic minority” designation from the state and had filled their panels). I was happy for any inclusion.

Now, as luck would have it, we had a bad snowstorm yesterday morning and about a quarter of the participants stayed home. The organizers ended up letting me take an absent person’s place in the Asian panel. I was greatly honored to be, as the others dubbed me, an "honorary Asian" for the day. Everyone in my group was very nice and receptive.

I was able to get some of my concerns and ideas heard about curtailing harassment for our children and gay children. My friend and I were able to get a proposal in for how it may become official policy for teachers and administrators to have a structured means by which they can learn the makeup, and cultural, linguistic, and religious nature of each student’s family. We also made suggestion about improving teacher understanding on such issues. That way, they’ll know why the Muslim girl shouldn’t be hugged by a male teacher, or why the refugee kid’s parents aren’t reading your letters. Or, for our children, why on, say, Mother’s Day they should make something for their Grandmothers, and on Father’s Day they make two macaroni portraits. We also proposed ways to get parents to interact with each other, as a significant problem for many minority kids is the bias of their friend’s parents. I know I’ve found nothing breaks walls and stereotypes better than face to face interaction.

On top of all that, I was able to help a bit on the issues of many other groups, by my experiences advocating for other minorities. The main issues brought up were, sadly, the old issues: large class size, bigotry/low expectations, discouragement of parental involvement, lack of accounting for cultural differences, and, the cliché in these parts, parents who’ll get in the way of their kids befriending someone outside of their religion.

Nevertheless, there are a lot of great teachers, parents, and administrators out there willing to help make this state’s educational system into what it should be for all students. I’m sure the trajectory is right, even if the speed is frustrating at times.

I’m just thankful to have been snuck in :-), and to have our families seen as extant in Utah's school system, let alone heard. I’m very thankful for people like my friend, the facilitators of this event, and all those many ethnic minorities there who welcomed me in and listened to our concerns when they could have more easily stuck to their own work and given agenda. I know, from past experience with some of the same people, at least one guy was upset to see me there, thinking the ethnicity movements should leave us behind. But most, I've found, will push for us. It takes a good soul to use some of their newfound political currency and acceptance by the mainstream to reach back and help pull another group up to parity. If you’ve ever done that for anyone, thank you.

“Disgusting”

I’ve been hanging on to this post for a while; it was something I thought I should let cool first. But the events of today brought it to mind (and I need a post to fill the space until I find more time to get back to the other argument :-)).

A video was produced a while back to familiarize students with the various family situations of their classmates. It has representation of children being raised in adoptive families, by their grandparents, and more, created hoping to make classroom life easier for such children. Of course, you guessed it, the families represented that have everyone upset are the families headed by same-sex couples.

You can view the actual clips of all of the family types here.

In Philadelphia this film was shown to third graders and outrage quickly followed. I think it best to watch the video before you read the articles, for context, but here are two articles on the tumult:

The First Public Hearing
The Second Public Hearing

Some quotes:
“It was the segment on same-sex couples that drew the most ire from parents, who lined up a dozen deep to speak at a microphone - when they weren't shouting out their comments.”

“One woman stood at her seat and yelled, ‘They're 8 years old. They don't need to see homosexual people in the classroom.’”

She “stood” and “yelled” that.

Just today--I just got back--I was invited to our kid’s school (half-day, half-week preschool). I brought our microscope with a monitor and a couple other pieces of lab equipment. I put on a big show for the kids, looking at everything from a flea to bone marrow to their turtle’s lettuce, and they loved it. They didn’t “need” to see me but I can’t imagine the harm I caused that this woman has in mind. And sure, they know I’m a homosexual in that they know R and I are their friend’s parents, just as this video shows, but I’m sure the word “homosexual” means nothing to them (I don’t know my kids have ever heard the word, or “gay” even; it just hasn’t come up). Recently we were there for Dad’s Visitor Day, and before that R went with my mom for Mother’s Visitor Day. It all was wonderful, no one bats an eye, and the school is great about it; in fact, it now never comes to mind when there that it could be a problem… Then I think of people like those in these articles.

Maybe our ease comes because we know all the parents and are involved. We go to all the birthday parties. We did soccer with them all last summer, and that built our relationships and trust (I should say “soccer”, considering the age :-)). We all get along great and not one problem has emerged by our family being so clear to their children, from the classroom to play dates. Maybe we’ve found a paradise of education for our children, but that’s not seemingly what’s out there.

I feel I need to know what damage was done in the minds of such folk, those who would like to keep our families out of the classroom. The harm is done just having our family seen, by just knowing their classmates have a different home? Some possible hints:

“Others called the video ‘adult material’ and said lessons about diversity and tolerance should be taught in the home.”

“Others were less charitable, calling the video ‘disgusting.’”

“‘There was absolutely no necessity to engage third graders in sexuality. That's what you're doing,’ said David Thompson of Medford Lakes. ‘You were wrong... . I firmly believe, that someone had an agenda here.’”

It seems they are imagining something sexual every time they see gay couples. Did they watch the video? I mean, they must have some odd imagination going on, if the mere sight of a gay couple constitutes “adult material” and “sexuality”, right? Don’t they realize some of us are far more prudish than they’ve ever been :-)?

Yeah, though, there is an "agenda" here. Our kids go to school together and they have to interact and learn together. We have to find a way to make that interaction civil, humane, and productive. And all that is important to a school’s central mission of education. We gratefully have that in our little corner of Utah, and such a video is a way to encourage a healthy school environment for those who don’t.

Anyway, on the plus side, I think I did convert some kids to a particular lifestyle today :-). When asked who wants to be a scientist after I was done, most all raised their hands.

One girl, though, kept her hand down. This same girl raised her hand to ask a question while I was talking, and when I acknowledged her she said, “Your miscrocope is wrealwy borwing”.

Whatever, little girl.

That’s not even a question. And at least I can say boring. ;-)