Sunday, December 26, 2010


With the spare time that comes with the season it’s probably best I tidy up this little loose end of the internet and put this blog to bed.

Summing up then, in my traditionally long-winded fashion...

Back when the world was young, I was a lowly grad student with two toddlers, and I started this blog. I did it for some very old and very new motivations at the time, with the hope that putting our perspective (or simply our existence) out there would be some help to our children’s dealings in school with LDS peers or someone else’s children in that LDS-gay no-man's-land. I tend to think a person can fix anything, given enough work and time and I put a good deal of both into online interactions.

Then Prop 8 came about and it really threw myself and my home for a loop. Trusted family became suspect; on every other block in my neighborhood, suddenly there was a strong and hostile political base where once there was a church. I began paying too much attention to every insult to my home, especially those directed at our children’s character coming from those pulpits and our local politicians. I know I paid far too much attention to random citizens, reading through the opinion page first just to see what next insult or rhetoric they’d try out. I was looking to address every debasing, ugly characterization of my love for my home and husband.

Not a reasonable aim, and not a healthy aim.

With the turmoil around Prop 8 the world turned from the wonderful and optimistic opportunity it had become in my adult life to something threatening, more reminiscent of what it was as a 14-year-old kid, before I came out of the closet. I was going over the ground I'd settled for myself, now for my family and for my fears for my children. For those well-documented reasons of human psychology, taking a step back was also more of a blow than just being accustomed to existing injustices. I look back at old posts now and I see I was drinking in far too much of our opposition's poison than anyone should, even if I still reflexively feel, for my spouse and kids, I could swallow it all. It took a physical tole from which I'm finally recovering.

Etcetera etcetera, right?... It's all recorded around here somewhere.

I've spend a good deal of time, though, trying to figure out why this affected me so much. If others are in the same boat it may make sense, and if not just skip ahead...

It’s odd, sure, to have an epiphany when considering the Zombie Apocalypse. I mentioned in an old post that after Proposition 8 I had began having nightmares about zombies, of all things, attacking my family and me helpless to defend them. I was waking up from them with my heart pounding. It hit me as Rob and I were watching the Walking Dead the other night that I’m fascinated with zombies and they get to me so viscerally because they remind me of my most potent real-world fears in an exaggerated form:

1. Zombies are made from the familiar and, sometimes, those you love.

2. Zombies don’t want to hash things out; there’s no talking them out of their pro-“Brains!” position. Appeals to science, the golden rule, or empathy, or reciprocity do not affect on their unshakable convictions.

Similarly, I fear the polite neighbor and the quaint church on the corner turning into a threat to my loved ones much more than I fear the threats that were openly sinister from the start. Having to attack what you once counted as a friend in order to protect those you do love is traumatic, and a Zombie plot staple. Prop 8 made my neighborhood and some in my family feel like threats to my kids and husband; that's an unreasonably large panic button in me for some reason.

I also fear not being able to talk to and reason with my opposition. To be clear, I'm not saying our opposition in the gay debate is mindless—they are absolutely very intelligent. But intelligence is a tool people use to get what they want, not necessarily what is right or true. It would be at our peril to imagine they don't have a great deal of it.

While not at all like mindless zombies, they don’t use tools of communication and persuasion that I understand. I can't talk my way to a solution, and this gets to me. After debating for weeks and making a great case, too many times I’ve been told directly by those high up in our opposition that the science doesn’t matter to them because they just know the Truth; I’ve been told the Golden rule isn’t applicable when they harm us because they just know it’s for the greater good. There is no arguing that, as centuries of religious conflict can attest. They may just as well be explaining “Brains!” to me, as what they are saying scares the Hell out of me nearly as much.

I mean, I've had folks quote non-existent journal articles as evidence for my children's deficiencies and when proven wrong they didn't even skip a beat at trying to break down our metaphorical door; it's like a scientist's horror film.

What’s worse is I’ve read too much on gay history and know the zombie apocalypse of sorts has happened for gays several times in history, from the fall of Rome to the inquisitions, and I extrapolate too much. We just make such great permanently-small-in-number scapegoats.


All that is a long way to say I needed to calm down, get some perspective, and stop acting as Rick Grimes, staying up watch all night to defend my family from the hoards. Our opposition only wants a disproportionate cut of our tax, insurance, and SS dollars. Sure they want to insult us and our children, but they’re not asking for “Brains”, not to set us on fire, this century at least.

Clearly, my emotions after that loss were unreasonable and far out of proportion. But, I'm not sure I'd have wanted it another way. Potent emotions follow any topic that nears our children, and, more often than not, it's a welcome condition.

Nevertheless, it was a problem.

Fortunately, I got an unexpected job opportunity just at the right time. I had to force a space for us where we live, and this opportunity worked out perfectly. I am now a “professor” and man it feels odd to be called that by 20-somethings… So I cut out politics, and disappeared from online life to focus on my career.

It’s always striking when the universe seems to know what exactly you need, and how to remind you where your focus should be in this brief life. Focusing on science is far more healthy for me than focusing on the belief structures of hostile strangers, and now the world is back to that wonderful and optimistic opportunity.

There was a price, though. I have had to give up hope on strangers, which hurt a bit. I've had to stop going out of my way to find and digest the world's sinister side, which make me a deserter of sorts. I’ve had to stop caring so strongly and accept that I can’t fix some things, even for those I love. I've had to stop seeing myself as the unbeatable and tireless defender of my family, oddly, in order to do what my family needs most from me. I had to admit my weaknesses and keep near my strengths; my career in science was chosen over my concern for politics.

Frankly, though, I’m a gay man only incidentally. When I ask myself, my reflexes tell me that I’m a father to our two children; I’m a husband to my husband; I’m a scientist. I just don’t feel like a “gay man” or “gay rights activist” at heart. I have my family, and my friends, and I fit in with fellow scientists, but being gay is as interesting to me as the genetics behind my blue eyes. In fact I fear I’ve only ever cared about being gay as much as those who would hurt my family or others for it have cared.

I’m plainly relieved to let myself stop studying the topic; it's so boring next to what I find in my work every day. Dropping my concern for strangers and their obsession with homosexuality has let me back to my natural state, away from politics and back to a world were evidence is held high and belief is held low, back to where morality is decided by the Golden Rule. I’m back to the world that makes sense to me, and just have to accept there is another, much larger and more powerful world that decides my family’s fate.

I do feel guilty and rightly so for not being there for the online crusade to let young gay kids know that “It gets better”. Maybe the world really is getting better for young gay men and women; it's not the world I came out into. I know gay suicide and bullying is still a big problem, one which I'll fight in the non-html world. But it really has become much better and the cages gay kids find themselves in now are thankfully more and more of their own construction, which is somewhat simpler to dismantle. But doing so is most often work they need to choose and do themselves.

Boy, and at this LDS-Gay shoreline we have more than our fair share of sailors strapped to the mast. I suppose we also have sirens strapped to the rocks, and bodies of both in the waves. Coming out in these parts is a dramatic and difficult Odyssey to be sure. But I don't relate to what any sailor hears in our opponent's singing, and I landed my ship home almost 20 years ago. I'm literally getting too old for this. I don't know what help I can be in this unnecessary and increasingly alien drama other than just showing that it does end, if you keep sailing on.

And to that end, this blog is here, there are more and more like us out there, and, as a professor, I interact with more young men and women now than I ever did before. We lost a gay student a couple years ago to suicide, and it has troubled me to think I’d been too cloistered in my lab (some of that time blogging), to interact with students enough to even know one may be having such problems. Now, for what it might be worth, at least they can see one more option in their professional sphere. I’ve also listed myself as a faculty mentor for our GLBT club and we’ll see what comes of that. Simply, I’m putting my efforts into my immediate sphere and will avoid trying to argue with strangers (for my sake or theirs) from here on.


I think I’ll end with a brief update on the family, as, politics aside, I had enjoyed sharing the banal aspects of our lives much more than the controversies.

The twins are doing great. More and more bright and beautiful each week. At 8 they still have little inkling of how serious the political issue around their home will be to some strangers, and I hope it stays that way as this wave of acceptance just moves right along with their generation. They are still as different as ever. One wanted a tackle box and spear gun for Christmas and the other wanted a Glee video game and a badger pup… We do love orbiting our binary system, enough to not give them the spear gun and badger pup.

Rob and I are going on 19 years together. To say I love him more than ever would sound trite but would also be insufficient to describe what builds on nearly two decades. There is yet another reason I’ve decided to pull out of this fight; it became too clear many I know fighting so adamantly to “defend marriage” have no idea what a healthy marriage means. Our marriage gets bit each time I bring us too near those fighting over bones of vocabulary, and I can be content to keep away from that mess while I enjoy the real thing.

I’ll end with some farewell pictures from a couple of our escapades over the past two years. I wanted to share but never found the time.

We did the white house easter egg roll, last Spring:

Nice of the president to dress up like that, right? I'll just assume that's true, as we couldn't get near enough to get a picture with him in the frame...

I forgot how beautiful that city can be, though, and what an experience for the kids!

It may seems silly to take 8-year-olds to Europe but...

Still, they enjoyed it:
Really, though, what 8-year-old doesn't doesn't find interest in volcanoes
gladiatorial combat and warfare?
Okay, they got a bit fed up with the vatican...
Still, fun times.

Right now, we are actually in the city in which we were married (our 3rd time), San Diego. Good memories here too. It feels nice to have that legal marriage safety net under us again, even if only on vacation.

Anyway, got to go; family is getting annoyed that I'm on the computer.

Soon I'll be back to work, a cog once again spinning wildly for my husband and kids... I'll be thinking of a million other things, writing papers, teaching a new class; I'll be insanely busy again, the way I like it.

But this blog will effectively have ran its course.

I'll disable the comments as I head out the door. It'll give me the last word here :). Also, I'm told they're causing a good deal of spam (sorry about becoming a billboard for Russian Viagra or whatever those comments are about).

If there is somehow, miraculously something left unsaid from my perspective on these issues... well, I'd be surprised. Still, if something needs to be said, I think most regulars around here know how to get a hold of me on Facebook or by email. If not I'm sure you know who to ask to get that info.

Best regards, and best of luck.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Merry Christmas From a Long Lost Blogger

Let me start by attempting another excuse for my absence. I just hope those who used to read my blog understand my need to focus elsewhere.

I've had to give up a lot to keep my family here and I've had to put much more time into work, if I'm going to makeup for the penalties of living here. Sadly, that has meant neglecting even friendships from my youth (so no offence; I've been an absent jerk to everyone but those who live with me).

I'm trying to find the most effective distribution of my efforts, given that we have to be here for now and change to such a conservative society comes so slowly. Though, you bet, it is changing and I'm thankful to the GLBT and LDS that have made the LDS church friendlier in the last couple months. I think, though, Prop 8 tempered my optimism just enough to make me plan less for the best case scenario, and more for the case where I do not live to see the day my family is treated fairly by Utah, even if we are in Utah. I had to adjust my balance.

That is not to say,of course, I’ve dropped activism; far from it. Simply, I am fuel for this family, a finite measure of fuel, and I am aiming to burn where I will burn most efficiently. I hope I am optimizing that effort in my personal, professional and political lives.

I’m just sorry to those who I’ve inadvertently ignored by not even checking the inbox associated with this site for months. If you have my alter-ego’s email address, use that and I swear it won’t be a digital black hole. Facebook, well, I try but that’s becoming a bit of a black hole too.

Those who know what I’ve been up to probably could guess, though, that this is just a quick check in. I’ve got a holiday break, but the holidays are, happily, never really a break and soon I’ll be back at it.

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you all a merry Christmas, and a joyous New Year.

Oh and a happy Inter Solstice :-).

You didn’t think I’d forget you on this time-honored holiday, did you?

No way. I got you something nice; two things even:

--Fist, the toy: some guilt-free listening to This American Life.

--Finally, the practical item: Shelter, maybe not for you but in your name and for some Utahn that certainly needs it in the tough economy and chilly weather.

Enjoy! And sure, I know I've tried to guilt you all into also getting me something for the holidays in the past. Some of you did buy me nice gifts last year and I've appreciated them. But no, I've been a bad blogger and a distant online friend. I don't deserve such a wonderful gesture, one that would be so very much appreciated and all the more special if you gave despite my rude online behavior :-).

Hey, and look at that, I'm just like Santa ;-): I don't answer my letters all year, I pop in, drop off gifts and pop out. There's a nerdy internet cookie joke in there somewhere too, but I've got no time to find it.

Again, Merry Christmas.

Friday, August 14, 2009


When you email me to ask where I’ve gone, you don’t need to be nice about it. I know. I am some sort of blogging jerk; that fact is beyond dispute. Not only have I vanished for a long while, but I’ve not check the inbox attached to this blog for a while. I apologize to those who wrote.

No. I've not been locked in Gayle Ruzicka's basement for the past couple months, forced to watch Johnney Lingo on a loop until I also find Mahana to be worth eight cows. I've not been on an undercover mission for the gay mafia as a LDS lesbian, deep within the ranks of Evergreen. It's actually quite mundane.

I’ve been insanely busy. Really busy; this post took about two weeks to write. <-- That period was accomplished over the span of 3 hours. Anyway, Some updates are as follows:

--First and foremost, my research has picked up greatly and my new professional duties have most all my non-family attention. I just can’t risk getting interested for even a half hour in blogging or browsing for now. The worst part is the crux of it won’t begin until the end of this month. But, honestly, I’m loving it and excited for the opportunity these next 4 months will give us. It was such a lucky break that I got this offer in this economy just as I learned my parents were having surgery in the Fall. This step in my career will end in more flexibility to move when the time is right, or keep our place here, and I am (probably overly) obsessed with getting it right. So, wish me luck on the vague thing I’ll soon be doing :-).

--I’m in the midst of starting a new small business. These little ventures are always a gamble of your time, but the payoff can be huge. We’ll see.

--We are also in the midst of moving into a new and much larger lab. As anyone who works in a lab knows, this is like moving into a new home, but worse. The difference being that transferring the contents of your cabinets and refrigerator when moving a lab involves moving substances that could kill you slowly within a decade, explode, or eat your foot off within an hour.

--My involvement with GLBT issues has increased quite a bit offline. I was just elected the chair of a human rights committee in a local government branch, we’re still meeting with the evangelical group, and we’ve started a group with LDS members. Even one of the main lobbyists for Prop 8 has sat on our couch in our family room a couple times now. It's kind of strange to be in such company, as one of the thousands of couples who are still legally married in California despite the LDS church's best efforts, but nope, no fist fights yet ;-). Not even an angry word from either side. Online has its benefits but face-to-face is a much better format for such touchy issues; it’s a lot harder for either side to dehumanize the other. I just hope things remain as productive as it seems to be so far.

Speaking of… I’m thankful that some bloggers have become involved with that group; I’m even more thankful that a fellow blogger got us in touch with some folks up there in the LDS ranks. We know more people who’d be interested in being involved, but we are at max population. We all agreed, though, it’d be great if similar groups popped up. If we can find more LDS folks willing to take that leap and just talk to the gay community (and, sure, it goes the other way as well), I’d like to spread this sort of thing.

--While I’m asking for stuff, I may as well put in a plug for poor Isocrat. I’ll get back to her eventually, and thank Ben for keeping her breathing in the time being, but it needs help. I don’t have the time it needs, though, and hope to find people who do.

Anyway, what else… We just celebrated our boys’ 7th birth day, our 14th anniversary and our 18th year together. It was a crazy year from our California marriage to now. After our trip to Massachusetts a while ago, I’ve realized I’m addicted to the comfort of knowing my family will be legally treated fairly; heck, it was just nice to be able to rent the car as a spouse without having to pay to be the “second driver”. For a whole week we were in a place where there was no reason to defend our home or fight for even basic fairness. I came back refreshed and certain, someday, we’ll have that where we live, if either we have to go where it is or bring it to us. But, for now, I have a lot of work ahead of me, here.

You know, though, it kind of feels like the universe interrupted me here on purpose, by handing me opportunities involving so much work. I’m not saying that being here because of my parent’s health problems is a good thing; just that being busy has been. It’s just that after Proposition 8, I was a bruised man, in several ways. You can see for yourself. My heart took a hit and is still physically sub par. I was greatly worried about how our opponent’s rhetoric would harm our children. I was frustrated by the double standards, prejudice, imaginary research... There I go :-). In all, the personality characteristics that help me in my job in science are also the characteristics that make arguing faith and politics so frustrating; it’s kind of fitting my job would step in and take my focus.

Now those nightmares of someone or something threatening my family have been replaced with the usual and pleasant dream nonsense. Goodness knows this state doesn’t feel any less hostile, but I’m back to the place where my hopes for it are low enough again to keep free of frustration. Though we’re in provisional home, a state (or legal state) which we’ll eventually leave in one way or another, I’m just focused on doing what needs to be done for the generation below and above me right now. I know that may sound sullen or defeatist or something, but it has actually been some measure of a relief.

Regardless, I’m afraid, at least for the next couple months, I’m going to remain scarce. I’m still putting some pictures and stuff up on facebook, though. If you know someone who knows me, you can keep up on at least the images of our latest escapades there (best email me from there too). I’ll try to check this a couple times a month though; let me know if you or anyone you know would be interested in a GLBT-LDS group meeting and we'll try to expand it.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Father's Day

Ug, I'm being a bad blogger. I've been so busy with work and then we left town for a week of relaxation in Provincetown. Now I'm backed up on work and I just can't keep up.

I'll post just a couple pictures (facebook friends can see the rest); it was great to relax with the family and even more comfortable to be legally married again, if only for a week.

Anyway, I merely want to say, Happy Father's Day to all you dads.

May you feel ridiculously fortunate in life to be a father this day and everyday too.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Utah Pride, 2009

Sure, the parade for GLBT Utahns was rained on in more ways than one this year, with many of our extended family's tithe money, if not their direct support, going to pass Proposition 8 and the loss of all bills in Utah's legislature that would have given our families a sliver of equal legal treatment. But even as we set off walking the route in a downpour, everywhere you looked there were friendly smiles (Well, a couple protesters aside).

I was surprised at how many people did ignore the weather and come to Pride.
We were there again with a bunch of family: nieces, a sister, and so on.
My wonderful parents:
Sometimes I fear my mom was disappointed when I came out, not because I'm gay but because she got a gay son who doesn't care about fancy clothes. Cruel irony; I'm just a drab sciencey guy. I mean, just look at those colors on her.

Maybe this sort of style would have been more her speed :-):
I think she may have that pink hat.

She, of course, was the one to get these sun glasses (and suckers) for the twins:
I thought this was cute too: Brian took one of grandma's bracelets and used it for a necklace for Wolfey (The favored stuffed animal since birth--you can tell by the poor thing's cataracts).
Anyway, another fun, though wet, pride parade, and here's to hoping the storm clouds break here with the coming year.

On a side, my dad always tells the story, when Senator Buttars comes up in conversation, about how he first met the guy when Buttars ran the Boy's Ranch and was asking my dad for a donation, long before my dad had any idea his son was gay or that Buttars was... well... you know. My dad left the meeting at the boys ranch appalled by what he witnessed and disgusted with Buttars and sure to find a better "charity" than that. At Pride those who had experienced the "therapy" of the Boy's Ranch first hand had a booth and my dad talked with them for a while. I think some of their accounts and goals deserved attention:

You can see their site here

Monday, June 01, 2009

The Littlest Things are the Hardest to Dodge

As part of the new responsibility that has me so busy I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork. One bit was a new W-4 form.
Here, that's kind of small. Let me blow up what grabbed my gut:

Then, at the end of the form it reads:
"Under penalties of perjury, I declare that I have examined this certificate and to the best of my knowledge and belief, it is true, correct, and complete."
Well, to the "best of my knowledge", I am not legally married in Utah or federally for purposes of employment or taxes. 16 years of paired dedication, love, and interdependence, raising children together, promising to love honor and cherish, forsaking all others.... They call that "single" here, if you're anatomy ain't what they like. So yeah, I know, I'm supposed to check "single", legally.

But I also know, as clearly and as certain as I know anything, this form is not "true" "correct" or "complete" with me being classified as "single". I am nothing if not a husband and a father; I'd be a stranger to myself to be single.

(Anyone know what the legal consequences of checking the "Married, but withhold at higher Single rate" might be, even though I'm not legally married in this jurisdiction? Would I still be guilty of perjury if not tax fraud?)

Even without the practical tax implications in the above, there would still be these little cuts. Those fighting against marriage for our families don't seem to see how they harm real people in practical ways, but so clearly demeaning, in the abstract, the best aspects in what they claim to be the defenders of is also baffling. Maybe if I lost a beauty pageant and someone said something mean about me on a blog, we'd get them to notice :-).

Regardless, I'm in a Catch-22 for now. To work in the US and keep from legal punishment, I am required to, myself, debase the most important role I'll ever have in life, second only to being a father. They make me, by threat of law, sign my name to a lie, that I am "single". A husband of 14 years, dedicated to the person I've been with for 16 years, the only person I've ever been with, the person I'm a parent with.... I'm forced to call that "single". I may as well sign on to the claim that I'm a walrus.

That coerced, signed dishonesty gets to me, even though, I know, it's a small thing. I was taught as a kid and it is an obsession to see my signature as a sacred guarantee of honesty, but it can't be, on this form, without legal harm. Maybe if I were a better gay rights activist I'd just mark the truth and wait for the audit or other punishment, but I've got our kids and a homemaker to take care of...

I just wish I could get everyone who pushed and voted for Utah's Amendment 3, those who hoped to annul our legal marriage with Proposition 8, all those church leaders, and those single gays who think marriage for gay couples is nothing to fight for to just get a taste of what that feels like. For a man who cares for nothing more than his family to check that "single" box, in order to be able to work for his family without threat of law... frankly, it sucks.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

California Decision on the Proposition

Just wanted to quickly chime in on the recent Ca court decision on Proposition 8. It's been killing me not to have the time to get right on it as the news broke.

The significant up side for us personally is, of course: my family came out of all this with equal rights in several states and some countries with our still-valid Ca marriage license, along with 18K other couples, about 40% of which have children, judging from the 2000 census. That piece of paper there still puts some legal bite into the promises we made to each other so many years ago, and made again last summer in San Diego; it secures some rights in some jurisdictions, equal to other citizens, and could be used to enforce the responsibilities we've taken on as a couple and as parents. This is a great success for the best aspects of family and I hope no one overlooks that victory.

Okay, sure, we're one of the lucky same-sex couples who got there in time and maybe I'm feeling it with too much weight. It is personally important, though; we hope to and will most likely end up living in California, and equal treatment under the law is a requirement for the next government we have to pay taxes to, at least at a state level. So yeah, I'm personally happy and relieved and hope federal support of marriage is forthcoming. At least then we'd have something in effect while still here in Utah.

But, as everyone probably knows, this Ca supreme court decision is bitter sweet. Marriage is still between man and woman in addition to being between this man and his man in California, and the sky hasn't fallen. But the young gay couple just ready to make that sacred leap into marriage is left with an offer of only a "civil union" from their government. That's a good deal more than what we have in Utah, sure, and it should be appreciated but separate is not equal or tolerable in the long run. The first time they attempt to take their "civil union" into a jurisdiction unfamiliar with the what that practically means, or the first time the law makes a distinction between "married" and "civil union-ed" (as it does federally anyway), the need for all citizen to be in the same legal boat, regardless of their sex or the sex of the folks in their family, will be all too clear. You'd think it'd be apparent why heterosexual couples, in the vast majority, don't want the "equal rights" the Ca Supreme Court feels they found in "civil unions". Besides, talk about undermining the meaning of "marriage"; to legally ignore it's best aspects because of an M or a F on a birth certificate... And it's not just a matter for same-sex couples; one has to wonder what those couples that include an individual intersexed from birth, neither or both biologically M or F, are left with in Ca law now.

Anyway, 2010, or 2012, or 2014... The day is clearly coming when, throughout the US, the shape of your body or your chromosomes won't determine the amount of tax you pay, the rights of your children, if you can just run off on your spouse without legal consequence, or any of this stuff. I'm sure in California the day will return when "marriages", as performed according to the individual citizen's religious or secular convictions, will be treated justly and equally under the law, blind to our anatomy and focused instead on the weighty public interdependence, commitment, and responsibility found in the act of human coupling, be it in same-sex or, um, "opposite marriage". The day will come when people realize our children go to school too and have a right to talk about their home as much as any other kid. They will get tired of the fear mongering and will realize we can have different definitions for marriage in our homes and churches, and still be treated fairly under the government we must share.

Unfortunately, though, the mark of the Prop 8 vote, complete with the lies about everything from Catholic Charities to marriage in Europe, will always remain on those people and organizations who pushed it. It will be something we point out to our impatient grandchildren, just as I had the uncomfortable and strangely embarrassing conversation with my kids last year about how race used to matter in US law (and faith) as much as sex does in this instance. But if justice was easy, our species would have gotten it right long ago instead of in painful increments. Besides, maybe we need these bumps in the road to drive home the broader value of such ideals as the Golden Rule.

When all is added, though, I guess I can't be unhappy about this (and I've tried :-)). Tonight I'll go home to my family, to my kids, and to my husband, the man who is still my legal husband even if only when we're standing in certain territories between sea and shining sea. Hey, and at least next time we vacation in Ca, I, as a legal husband, won't have the added hassle or cost of being a second driver on the rental car contract :-). More importantly, of course, when we can move from Utah to our dreamed-of near-beach home, we will have what any man would want from his state for his family.