The Man Behind the Header

Of course, our kids don't get to read this blog :-). When they're older, I wonder, though, if they'll ever care to go through the many posts about what's gone through my head in this period. Will it matter to know how the politics were, or why we live where we do or did, or why I got stressed with every legislative session and the sorts of things it literally brings to their front door? Though I live in a town where most folks are supposed to keep a record of some sort for their kids, it's still strange to think the adults they will become may someday read what their old man was thinking when at their same age.

I mean, I can remember the week the realization hit me that my dad is just a man and my mom is just a woman, just as human as the rest with fears, mistakes, and conflicting emotions. Don't get me wrong, they are great, good and strong people and great parents, but, when you're a kid, parents have almost magical qualities as providers, nurturers, teachers. It's no wonder it's common to keep all that behind a supernatural curtain even after you've seen behind the mortal curtain.

I'm certainly not saying it's a bad thing to come to that realization as an adult, though. My parents, they may be human, but they are some of the best humans I know and I cherish our relationship; besides, every person on a pedestal is done a disservice. I guess I'm just wondering how much I'd care to read through their thoughts. If our adult boys ever do read back through this, though, I'd want them to know what I hope they know by heart: that I love them with all I am. I'd want them to know that I desperately hope the decisions we make, especially in this next, precarious year, are made correctly. And if they aren't, I'm sorry.

Anyway, all that wondering came to mind just because there's a new picture in the header here; my mind does ramble :-). They may not understand a blog, but every now and then Brian has noticed his old drawing in the header, and he didn't like how big he made Rob.
FYI, I'm the littler guy with the big ears there. He has been trying all weekend to get me to put a new picture of us "on the internet", and thus the header change. Though I'm attached to the old one, I've changed it. I wonder, when I'm 65 and they're 36, if they'll still do my artwork; thing is that's about my current level of drawing skill right there :-).

Parting the Sea Change

When I quiz myself, I find I'm a ridiculously, almost embarrassingly simple creature.

It's basically a bunch of plain drives about our kids, my marriage, my family, food, friends, shelter, health, and a bit of media entertainment thrown in. I hope to help our children become healthy, happy and ethical adults, and to, say, build Lego homes with them. I want a strong marriage and, when I kiss my husband goodbye in the morning, to know that I'll lay next to him to watch TV at night. I want nice meals in a comfortable home, and to count on Sunday dinner with my parents. I hope and want to treat others how I want to be treated and I want to be treated fairly. I want to have a long dinner with a good friend once in a while, and a stimulating chat with colleges. I want to conduct research that finds a use in another's life. Finally, I want our garden to produce a carvable pumpkin next year, damn it.

And I'm doing well at meeting all that; it really doesn't take much to punch my happy buttons. Pumpkins and some aspects of parenting aside, getting what I want out of life is not a complicated matter, and I'm grateful for the simplicity in my build. I think it saves me a lot of the grief I see in some of my extended family.

Even for the big questions, I'm nearly never put in a knot. I'm comfortable with the price of admission, with death, as long as it comes after seeing our boys into adult hood and, I hope, parenthood. I'm comfortable having any echo of any effect from my life swallowed up by infinity; I still fell in love, I still crumbled at first sight of our boys, and I still tucked them in all these many night. To me, life means what it says, and I'm more than happy to live with what my life has 'said', mistakes included, while I can.

But there's this other, complicated world of considerations, one that does make me uncomfortable and does cause stress. It is in fact the sole cause of stress in my life. I imagine, if I were to flesh out this metaphor, this world would kind of look like Tina Turner's Barter Town, though gayer, if possible. This place is haunted by politicians, preachers, magic, demons, angels, Elton John and such. There, friends become enemies, people can hardly see each other, and cats sleep with dogs but then feel really really bad about it.

People there want to mess with the simple world; they can't help it. People there want to demean my family, legally degrade us and limit our rights in a way they would not tolerate, all for very complicated reasons most of which have nothing to do with them being bad people; some even want me dead and have told me so. I've watched gay men go insane and to their graves living fully in that world. Gallows humor aside, that has left a mark and an urgency in me. So, no matter how much I want to (and I've tried to) keep in the simpler world, I've both a practical, personal purpose in the defense of my home and a larger obligation to keep a foot in the other gay world, regardless of the fact that battle fields aren't known for their safe or sanitary conditions.

On the other hand--and here's my problem--I don't want to get too entangled.

In short, as I've long ago expressed and put off, I really hope to separate the two worlds as much as possible. So from here on out, I really am hijacking my own blog, honest this time. This blog is now for me to go on about what I love to go on about, my family. The other blog, the blog at isocrat.org (a site in seemingly perpetual state of almost readiness), is now for me (and others) to go on about what I feel like I should go on about, the issues surrounding the GLB and T, and maybe even Q... or some other, heretofore undiscovered letter in the gay community. I hope to see familiar faces there, but absolutely understand if a person prefers the simpler world to the other.

Sure, it will be impossible to keep the worlds from mingling--there will be times when the politics are too local and the effects too close to home---but I'm giving it a shot.

The Neighborhood

Remember the good old days around these parts, oh, about a year and a half ago?

I miss Sean, GBUYS, Cas., and more. What about Chris, L, Fox, and GayLDSActor; remember when they actually posted at least once a week, not the current once every blue moon?

Don’t get me wrong; I’m very glad to meet and read new folks. It was just a simpler time, a smaller, cozier space back then, right? And I think I get it; I’m not saying people should stick around. Most people aren’t blogging for my aims; many are there to document a process and once it’s over or once blogging gets in the way of that process, they are rightly off.

Also, I fear I had some prophetic vision in my joking, when the first significant cracks appeared, with the great MoHo-HoMo debate of aught-7. It seems more people moved in than could keep a social network intact where folks were familiar with each other, familiar enough to not vilify and to keep giving the benefit of the doubt. Camps formed, some were shunned, others got fed up. There was some yelling, outings, threats, insults made with those familiar, polite surfaces (Say what you will, but we here in Utah know how to do the passive aggressive insult with great skill, don’t we? ;-)).

And, heck, I know I can be part of the same problem. I’ve been reading but not commenting or posting much lately. I’ve been busy with isocrat.org, and that’ll just make this area feel less like a neighborhood, to me.

Also, I try to be friendly and hope I have been. I know, though, that there’s always a point of indignation in me for anyone who admits to wanting to keep my family from legal equality, or insults my marriage or home, no matter how they might couch such to sound civil, or what their good intentions are. If it were just an academic argument, I think I’m pretty good at keeping feelings out of it, but I know when it’s my family, I have to watch it too, to hate the sin and not the sinner. I mean, it's my family. I’m sure that frustration has seeped out from me at times; perhaps it just did ;-).

Eh, of course, I don’t think anything will change back; I was just feeling nostalgic. Am I the only one?

On the other hand, you know, gays are renowned for their preternatural gentrification abilities, even in some of the worst neighborhoods :-)…

Soft Opening, Isocrat.org

Have you ever wanted an exciting career in activism?

Are you sick of The Man beating you down?

Ever felt like you need more people in your life to argue with?

Now you can finally do something about it!!!

isocrat.org

Remember, I wrote (back in 2006!!!), that “in a couple months” I’d be making my blog a more personal space, and getting involved in a more activist-y site, to satisfy some conflicting drives? Well I did, see.

Now, after putting it off for many moons, it’s about a moon or so away. I think, though, we’ll have a soft opening of the site, now, exclusively for a small and elite group of individuals and friends (that’s you, blog reader).

I’d given up on the idea, until I was asked about it by those interested in helping; so you’ll notice some familiar faces there, in the construction. And we’re always in need of more help. If what we’re about is your cup of tea, hop on.

Okay, and I’ve also noticed folks from here wandering about there (How’d you find it?...). May as well at least get their input, eh?

A couple warnings… The site is far from finished; go there expecting errors and annoyances. It's not ready to be linked to, or for a public viewing larger than this post can give. In fact, most of the meaty content is on a hard drive, waiting for the programming for the library to be finished before it’s edited and posted. You will hit dead ends and missing content, and we’ve not rigorously tested even what is there yet (specifically, don’t try to add library content without a password yet; you'll be sorry...).

By this, though, I hope you can point out some of the bugs, and make suggestions on the design and such; the basic layout is there… or maybe you can just keep us company in the forum until it launches? You can see what we need most here. I’d appreciate any help to speed things up, by comments here or by comments in the forum (there’s a special place for such, here), or simply by email.

So take advantage of this special offer, and so on. And thanks, to any who help and those already part of the effort.

He’s Out There, Somewhere. Lurking. Waiting. Watching.

My man, aka Rob, has begun reading my blog. Okay, maybe that’s not as much of an announcement as it is for a MoHo in a MOM, IYKWIM, but it’s something of a change.

For about a year and a half he has kind of regarded this space and my blogging time as my little private corner, the tool shed in the back of the yard, but after assuring him (many times!) that I don’t need or want such a place when it comes to him he’s began checking in.

While I’ll have to stop all the detailed and relentless complaining I usually do about him, there should be no other detectible changes. Gosh, I hope he never finds some of the horrible things I’ve written in past posts...

Ah, he knows I kid. He’s a wonderful man, husband, friend, and father; I couldn’t ask for anything more in a spouse. All week he’s been taking great care of me and the kids while I heal, everything from taking my job of getting the boys ready for school, to getting my buttons buttoned and shoes tied.

He’s been reading, through, in my office when I’m home, and I find I can’t stop paying attention to it, to him reading. I have to check what exactly he’s looking at each time he laughs, to make sure it was at an intentional attempted joke. Maybe when he’s reading I should take the kids for a walk :-).

I’m not sure if he’ll be logging on and commenting, but on the long-up-coming site, he wants to chip in. So you should see more of him, but I’d not expect us to be much alike; we compliment each other more than duplicate. He’s more about sharing recipes than about arguing over heated topics, and not near half as much a science nerd as his husband; maybe that's why I love him :-).

Why I’m Here

A while ago Paul asked why I blog in the midst of gay LDS when I’m not LDS. In this time when it seems there’s been a mass slow down in the MoHo blogs (did I not get the memo?), I’ll take it as an opportunity to reevaluate the practice.

--I, of course, blog here directly for myself. I’ve this idea that if my family is seen, they’ll be less likely to be hurt by the path of government or faith here in Utah. So I’ll try to make ourselves seen by the local culture. And I think at least the other side fears I’m right as almost every time she is asked about gay parents in the public eye our local anti-gay rights activist, Gayle Ruziicka, tries to shame them back into the closet with something about how horrible it is to “use children for a political agenda” (that agenda being to alter her agenda, for which she doesn’t hesitate to insult our children). Yeah, does she also think I should teach my kids to wear dark camouflage clothing while biking at night? I don’t want to “use” them to alter the traffic’s agenda, right? :-)

--In general I like and am familiar with LDS people. I was once LDS, and the culture is still my culture, if not religion. There is also a good deal of common ground I feel with gay LDS specifically, as I detailed here.

--I’m here because this kid committed suicide at a critical point in my development and it kind of left me in an infinite loop.

--In the same vein, I’ve know too many sad personal stories from gay LDS, too many deaths, too many diseases, liars, cheaters, too much heartache for gay men and heterosexual women and their children. I long for the day when I go to a gay function and don’t meet yet another 50-something guy with, say, eight kids at home, a man on his newly out arm, and a very angry ex-wife trying to figure out what’s wrong with her that she couldn’t keep her home intact and who’ll do all she can to keep her x from their children.

--I’m kind of trapped :-). I know some people blog because they have some personal issue to work out and once they're happy with it, they’re done with it, and that’s great. The issue I have though is not in my hands and has no end in sight (unless we just say F*beep* it, we're moving to Canada ;-)). There will be many years until Utah undoes the constitutional amendment against my family. There will be many more years of tragic gay LDS stories in these parts. I’ve been maintaining an online presence for a long time now, in cycles of intensity. While this blog is by far the smallest, it seems I’m about to start back into something much larger, resigned to the fact that this is just part of what I do. I’ve tried to stop, and I’ve lived in situations where I can hardly notice we’ve a political difference or that being gay can mean tragedy for so many, but the more comfortable I get the more nagging I feel to go back and make myself uncomfortable. May as well stop cycling and bight the bullet, right?

And those are the reasons why I’m blogging in a LDS area, specifically. I also, of course, like all the other blogging benefits: expressing myself, making friends, showing off our unbelievably adorable children, debate, and being complimented on any and all of my brilliant ideas. That helps too :-).

This is Ridiculous

You know what I mean. It seems I must have prophetic power.

Let’s debate, of course. I mean, I’m right and oh so many others are wrong, after all. And sure, maybe we can occasionally argue, post a heated comment or two. I know I’ve written what I’ve regretted, once time cooled me down.

I had no idea, though, the seriousness of what goes on through the back allies of this internet neighborhood until today. I knew the streets here were a bit more mean, yep, but I now get the feeling I don’t know the half of it.

Sure, I caught wind of some serious threats from other’s blogs, threats of calling the morality police, and so on. But now I hear of physical threats and know people’s personal, perhaps professional lives are being put in jeopardy. Some of these people have spouses, kids too; none of whom deserve the repercussions, regardless of what we think has been done to us by their family member. But when a person is attacked with such real world threats their family can’t help but pay a price too.

There’s a wide line between arguing a point by reason and by threat. This community must go back to respecting that border, or else, in a matter of months, all that will be left here are the people out for a fight, and nothing more. Trust in my prophetic abilities. It’ll be a post-apocalyptic wasteland of filthy sodomites and sadistic homophobes, and you just know my team will end up with the studded-leather Mad-Max outfits. No one wants to see that.

Personally, I want to make sure this place is as safe for all as possible; not safe from dissent, of course, but from real world danger. Furthermore, I think we should all want this place to be particularly safe for the people who are the most vulnerable to such threats, those who have something like a family to frantically defend. If we lose their voice, we’ll lose a lot (myself, for one ;-], and I want to stick around).

So can’t we all just fight and get along? Don’t make me dress like The Humongous every time I want to blog. It looks like it would chafe:

Season Finale

It’s the season for them, right? I’ve been putting this post off and wrestling with this over the holiday, but I’ve decided to take a break from blogging. I’m not leaving for good; just headed out for a while.

I’ve ran out of topics from which I can cannibalize old writings and, for a longwinded guy like me, it takes a good deal of time, time I would have if not for a couple new projects. Simply something has to give. I’ve hung a couple large professional projects over my head, and that will be taking up a lot of my break time. In my home time, which already belongs to others :-), I’ve just started my kid’s sand box and that’s turned into a slide/swing/playhouse project that I’m not moving on fast enough. I want to get that done before I find myself shoveling sand and mixing cement in triple digit temperatures. And I have to gloat; take a look at my sands box plans:

That’s right. It’s a three level sandbox with tunnels from each level down to the next (you know, for match box cars and transformers). Just wait until you see the playhouse. I’m sorry I made the kid in you cry with jealousy. (You may also notice it’s an elevated 3-level sandbox… yeah, if anyone wants to help shovel sand up a 5 foot retaining wall, after transporting it about 20 yards, let me know ;-))

AND, on top of that, and as the straw that broke the camel’s blog and caused me to quit procrastinating this post, we just found out Rob will need a hernia patched up. At first I thought he just didn't want to shovel sand, but a doctor confirmed his claim ;-). I’ll be a very busy guy while he’s down.

Anyway, I’ll miss blogging as frequently. Also, keeping a blog and knowing someone is reading it kind of makes it feel like an obligation, one I feel like I’m shirking. Perhaps “obligation” is too conceited a word, but, I mean, I am the unofficial and illegitimate leader of the anti-mohos, right ;-)?

I’ve probably said enough to get my main point across for now, and others can make the point better I’m sure. Though I’ve been fortunate, I’ve seen a lot of the type of trauma gay men go through in this culture, and, while I understand it’s a necessary struggle to many minds, it is, to me, quite a sad and avoidable mess. It’s probably because of my local culture, but I seem to meet a different man/father with a new (and yet old) story at each gay community event. I’d be happy to just have fewer gays experience those cliché and terrible pasts, not to mention the family hurt along with them, however such is avoided, in a gay or heterosexual relationship.

I’d stick by my manual; if it feels wrong, it will be (even if it isn’t :-)), and I’d imagine that goes for any relationship. Being gay is only a curse if you treat it as such. You can have a lasting marriage, security, monogamy, and according to your orientation, just as though you came with the conventional orientation for your sex, if you want it. You can be a father in addition, and find more joy there than most can imagine. On the flipside though, if you can’t get by the idea that it’s ethically wrong to be in a gay relationship, doing so can be very dangerous. I could get guff for saying it, but sometimes it is best to not follow your orientation. If you treat it like an addiction, it will treat you like an addict, and no one wants another self-destructive gay man in the world. It doesn’t matter if his culture made him think what he does about his orientation. It doesn’t ultimately matter what the intentions of his culture were. If the moral idea is still there, in the individual, the negative consequences of acting against his set of ethics seem inevitable.

Shoot, now I’m remembering all the other areas I’ve wanted to get into, more into questions of faith and the roots of morality, more into the research I’ve collected. I hope though to come back with a site as a place for such, and to make my blog a more journal-y sort of space as I said I would months ago. I’ll save the research for that hopeful new site, another project which this blog puts off (It’s taken a while for many reasons: for one, the trial version of the software I was using expired and I’ve not found an occasion to head to a store and haven’t remembered it when I’m there :-), and I’m, again, short on time).

To be clear, I anticipate I’ll be back when I get a couple projects off my plate; heck, I may post next week if the mood hits me. I’ll still be checking my email and chatting and such; I’ll still be socializing as much as time allows. I’ve plainly come to enjoy a lot of the people I’ve met here, and, blog or no, I don’t want to lose touch. I’ve learned from you, complained to you, swapped small-talked, and I have enjoyed it even when we couldn’t seem to avoid debate and touchy subjects. I’ve also come to care about many of the mohos in this ring of blogs, and though some days my mind has been, perhaps, overly occupied with the predicaments of people I don’t really know and have no business worrying about :-), I’m grateful to have been given an opportunity to give my 2 cents, for the old reasons. Again, if there’s any thing anyone could want from my point of view in the meantime, please send off an email.

Anyway, until next season.…

Will Scot build the sandbox in time?! Will Rob take the tainted “single” parent money?! Will Alan make another goal (for his team)?! Will Brian Optimusprime Graham finally master the Jedi Mind Trick on his parents?!

Stay tuned to find this out and more in the next exciting season of utahcog.blogspot.com.

I've The MoHo Solution

For those not following there is a debate going on as to what to call folks in this little web of blogs, others have summed it up (here, or here, or here, or here, or here, or here, or here) and I will not.

But my solution is very simple. Let’s let “MoHo” keep the purer meaning: A true believer in every aspect of the LDS faith (yes, even the gay stuff) who is also homosexual. And everyone else will be called AntiMoHos. Simple.

We can split all our blogs up into hyperlinked camps, and each can organize against the other. We can all have posts like “10 Reasons Why I Hate MoHos” and “The AntiMoHos: Satan Lovers, or Satan Likers?”. All true MoHos can, say, give their avatars a blue background and the true AntiMoHos can be red. That way, without even reading a comment, we can all make snap judgments as to whether we should seriously consider what’s in it. If you're red and they're blue, you can just go right away on to thinking of ways to insult and refute even their observations about the weather; It’ll be a timesaver.

Of course the camps themselves may split a bit. For the higher-law members of the MoHos, those who are doubly LDS and can’t even ethically say the word homosexual, we could have the MoMoSSAs (a queer drink if there’s ever been one). They’d of course be better souls than the average MoHo, but would swallow their disgust for the sake of defeating the AntiMoHos (But once the AntiMoHos are gone watch out, regular MoHos. Nothing is a better chaser for a purge than another purge). In the AntiMoHo camp, we’d have everything from liberal LDS to vile atheists, and so you know there’ll be trouble there too. But I’m sure we can all put those differences aside as well, as long as we’re all in agreement that the MoHos suck and their differences cannot be tolerated, that is.

As I’ve never thought of, or referred to myself as a MoHo, I’ll be handling registration for the AntiMoHos. Give me an email, and, with a 50-dollar donation to our new organization, “The New Organization for the Terrorization of MoHos” (NOTMOHO), I’ll send you our secret team handbook that delineates all the great reasons we should fight the MoHos to our last internet breath, insights into the MoHo’s secret and frightening agenda, and why they want to drown puppies. I’ll through in a T-shirt too, with our logo and cut off at the midriff, free.

Let’s do it, team AntiMoHo! Yeah!!

Other than that, which is undoubtedly the best option, we could just let it be :-).

R.A.B.

Okay, everyone in my home gets a fake name today. I’m tired of labeling the most important people in my life with a single letter, not to mention the worry my little A is being mistaken for a lowly article of speech.

So, I’m off to fakenamegenerator.com and I’ll go with the first name I find with the right letters:

R, from hence forth, will be... Robert I. Rodgers, and it seems he’s from Johnstown, PA (4149 Coal Street, 15904). Ooo, and I see his mother’s madden name is Mclean, and his B-day is February 13, 1952, if you want to send him a present. Huh, he doesn’t look that old. Can I love a 55-year-old Pennsylvanian? You bet. (The site even gives fake SS and credit card numbers, convenient).

Now, let’s see, A will now be… Amanda? That will never do. That’s just what they expect of our family. I’ll be picking the first boy’s name. Okay… Alfred S. Wilson?… Nah, he doesn’t look like an Alfred… This is taking too many clicks; I’ll just pick the ‘A’ name of one of my favorite figures in science, Alan.

And our B will be Brian, Brian O. Graham. The ‘O’ is for OptimusPrime (one word); it was his great-grandmother’s name. Seems our little Brian lives in San Rafael, CA 94909; we must miss him greatly.

There, now we all have names. Scot, Robert (Maybe he goes by Rob?), and the twins: Alan and Brian.

Okay Then

So R tried to get rid of the nap again yesterday. They are so close, but by 8 it was clearly too soon, and they easily went off to bed. Of course this meant at 4 this morning B was nudging me awake. We went back to his room, as to not wake R, and he went back to sleep. All I had to do was lay there, keep my arm still, listen to his small breaths, and think.

I get too wrapped up. These are important topics with important consequences, and I’ve certainly got a lot of motivation to act, from my home to the fate of friends… But here I am again, at the end slope of this cycle of defense-offence-resignation-repeat. Though I do, I don’t want to have a stake in what other’s believe as matters of faith, or how that makes them act. I don’t want to look back on my counterattacks, flavored by some stranger, and then regret how it'd probably hit people I know, friends.

I guess I just wish this were a less complicated and dodgy world all around :-), and, though I think I should, that I didn’t need to do my part in conflicts. I’ll be glad, I think, to be able to soon better segregate the phases into separate online worlds; they don’t work well together.

To put the cherry on top of my “ah shucks, why get worked up?” feeling, I was given a couple gifts this morning too. Turns out R has been secretly taking the kids to make me a gift on the nights we take the boys out separately. Below is a picture of B’s (A’s had his name on it, but it was a similarly striking plate entitled, as he tells me, “Wild Jungle”):


Isn’t it beautiful? Well, even though the design may make it look like eating my morning cereal was a matter over which PETA should get up in arms, a crime scene for cheerios, I think it’s beautiful.

Consider me blissfully resigned again; the reset button has been pressed. Give me a couple days to start back up ;-).

Getting Out, Meeting People

If the television can be trusted, meeting people met first online ends, without fail, in your 15 minuets of fame being a 2 minuets cautionary tale on the 10 o’clock news. Just ask my family; they’ll tell you the same. And I can’t say I’m not very leery of it as well and I do think for some good reasons.

When I came out as a teen, I had not one of the internets (;-)), but we did have creepy strangers, who’d hang around where we hung, with whom you’d not want to find yourself alone. We had closeted gay men, married men posing as out gay men just to live a fantasy. We had people posing as an understanding ear for the vulnerable, either out to “save” us from or “help” us live with our orientation, but who were only out to take advantage. And none of them could conceal their nature as easily as they can now, online. I’d absolutely say to watch out for such; I and the TV are sure they’re out there still.

Through my life I’ve never really found myself thinking I’d actually meet any of the people I’d met online, save for one other time, for the above reasons. Oddly, looking back, most the people I’d like to have met have been those I’ve debated most :-). But now, here, with much of this blogography associated with my same geography, it’s come up. I think also it’s come up because there are some really good folks here. I’ve come to respect, and internet-ly know some to the point that it feels natural to want to drive a bit and chat in person, as I would with any other person I’ve come to appreciate in my every day activities. I simply did not anticipate feeling such would be okay when I entered these blogs with my first comment, but, in short, it can and has (in a public place at first, of course, always with R, and not until after we’ve interacted for a while, and… :-)).

Fortunately, I can say it’s been well worth it. I’m as glad to have met offline as on, and more. It really is nice to put a face to the avatars, and to the personality coming through in text. It’s nice to let down a bit of my guard, talk comfortably person-to-person, and get past some of the unwieldy but purposeful cloak and dagger of this area of the gay world. But it’s been particularly appreciated to find a better way to involve R. If you’ve not noticed by now, R barely gets his email and has little interest in anything computer-y (too many made-up words per post?); I deal with the electrical, and he deals with the rest ;-). To be able to give him a better idea, in a way that he can better interact, about the whos and whats of these blogs has been appreciated. And at least now some of you out there could vouch for our real-world existence ;-).

Second Home In a War Zone

Anyone following this blog would know I’ve been torn on how and why to blog. I’ve given my reasons elsewhere (particularly here), and it seems I’m not alone in this question.

But I think a solution has been found.

That said, I’m taking over this blog. Everybody down, don’t panic, be cool, and no one will get hurt.

In short, this will become, within a month or two of transition, a more personal space, and the stuff like research, and history and, to a great extent, my activist tendencies (and whining ;-)) will be segregated into a new site, a collaborative and more thorough space. And never the two worlds shall meet again, and thus the issue is forever settled, and it will certainly not cause any problems like the last site I had ;-).

That is all; you can all get up now.

I just wanted it out there as to why I’ll not be posting as much here on the stuff that will be on the new site. I’m, for example, saving a review on some of the genetic papers. I also felt I should explain the change in frequency in my postings here and in comments. I’ll split my free time with contributing to the site, and until it’s up I may be occupied pinning down the layout and look (warming it up ;-)).

Chick

I fear I may have too much dismissed the fact that I still find a measure of worth in monitoring angry opponents in the last post. Listening to them, but not debating anymore… :-)

I admittedly still keep track of some of them every once in a while (not near as much as I once did). It’s too late there, I’ve already become so used to them that I almost find them cute, in a kitschy way :-). The vitriol I mainly hope to avoid and no longer go looking to combat is the “I want you dead” sort.

On the lighter side and for example, take one of my favorites, Jack Chick. You may have had his work handed too you on a street corner. He can’t stand the gays (the Mormons, the Masons, or the Catholics either).

I can’t help but find some ironic humor in his tracts, particularly those regarding gays. I suppose there’s no more hilarious an effigy than the one purporting to be made of yourself, one that reveals just how absurdly far into an illusion those burning it have bought. Take for example The Birds and the Bees:

Here

Yes, yes, Mr Chick, if I and my “wife” (and the invisible demons making out while perched on our heads) get our way, we’d put you in prison. Boogaty boogaty boogaty! And the old Gay Sodom yarn… Classy.

My “favorite”: the panel with the quote “But some people are evil and intolerant,” (my emphasis certainly not added or needed). Maybe I should take that shocked gay guy on the left as my avatar ;-).

But, if you think that’s bad, you should see how he treats the LDS, in the ominously entitled The Visitors:

Here

Bet you LDS folks didn’t know your religion was so easily debunked, or that you were modern-day worshipers of Baal ;-).

Ah, classic Chick: the angry non-believer missionary, the missionary about to see the light after such an overwhelming intellectual assault ;-), the literal light that old Aunt Fran gains when she sees the error of her ways. Why, you can see the villainy and morality right on their faces (But not as well as Ms. Henn in the gay tract; she appears ready to throw a kid into her gingerbread oven and take off on a broom).

Anyway, see what I mean? How does one remain respectful and measured in the face of such? It’s so difficult… Must… maintain… respect… for his… humanity. :-)

I think though one of the main lesions learned from my last site was that I can’t take out my frustration with people like Chick on those who share his faith. In fact, one of the best online friends I ever made from that site is a Baptist minister. Simply and of course, not all of them want to harm my family; neither do they all think the LDS worship a Babylonian God :-). To treat them, from the start, as though they are Chick clones is to use just as unfair an effigy as those made in the tracts above.

Venom, Anti-Venom

I mentioned here my goodbye to my old site, and how it made me question blogging at all. But now blogging has brought me back to the point of seriously considering a new site. A blog simply isn’t favorable to some of these topics I want to cover for reasons of productive :-) debate and righting what I see as wrongs (mainly the topics in my “Main Stops” section there to the right). I’d rather keep a blog as more of a separate, personal record, and satisfy that other urge elsewhere.

Still, that goodbye makes me hesitate:

Furthermore, is there really anything else to say on this site? I mean, just how many intricate and winding side roads do I have to go down before I get it?… I tried to blame it on entertainment, but that doesn't cut it; this isn't fun anymore; it's distressing and becoming absurd….So, in the end, I still have my damsels in distress, axes to grind, hills and underbellies to defend, wicked plots to subvert, frauds to expose, and so on, but I can't help but think that going on here would be going about it the wrong way.

And life is so much better than this. Bitter-sweet, sure, but why kick against the pricks?

So, I'll be peeling off my spandex costume, throwing my cape under the bed, and corking my antlers. I know... A year or so ago, I tried to quit but failed, and so maybe I will again...

Firstly, I can see why my emoticon use has grown (I don’t think my self-amusement translates too well :-)… ;-)). But there you have it, as prophesized; after a couple years I’m thinking on going back to it.

Do I want to get into that again? (Haven’t I already with this blog :-)?)

BUT it’d not be the same thing… I hope. I hope I’ve learned a lot in those years; I’m near sure I have. I’ve changed enough to make the above contract null and void, right? :-)

I know this has changed (another excerpt of that goodbye):

I know the sentiment by heart [the sentiment of the violently anti-gay], save for a couple novel notes. Why did I do this to myself [become so familiar with those who want me dead]? I think, all these years I was hoping to become desensitized to the rhetoric by seeking out the people who'd do me and those I love harm. I wanted to hear them say it over and over again, as though each time such sentiment would hurt them more and more and me less and less. Now though, I don't know that I really want to be desensitized; maybe it should be shocking and maybe it should hurt.

That was an unhealthy effort, and I no longer hope to “seek them out”; I want to talk this though with far more reasonable people :-). I certainly no longer think being unaffected by other’s vitriol is a strength I want. I also know now people can be cruel and feel it as love, oddly enough. I don’t care either if it eats at them more or less than it does me. It eats at us both and, these days, I clearly don’t have the right to attempt to stoically take damage to those parts of myself; others own them. It’s those others though who make speaking up so important.

That’s, in fact, the crux here, the balance I need to make: an appropriate, measured, and respectful defense, but one that doesn’t trip into angry retribution. If I can trust some of my gracious fellow bloggers :-), I’ve maybe learned some of that in the years past (also, the kids are great inadvertent teachers). Maybe getting back on that horse would be the right thing to do.

Simply, I guess I’m saying, if I do it, I’ll leave the horns corked, (try to) keep the emotions on the blog and away from anger and aggravation, and only take the cape out every once in a while :-).

Following Blogging Dilemmas

I’ve come to like and respect many of my fellow bloggers, and a couple of them are going through tough times right now. I read their blogs and my heart drops; my anxiety increases with each word. I worry about them and their loved ones. I think of them through my day. I start to wonder what I can do. I write out comments and second-guess myself: Is that patronizing, too harsh, unrealistic? It that more harm than help? And so on.

I don’t want to harm one part of them by encouraging another. Neither do I want to be distracted by what I find perfect for me, in my home, as to assume and promote it as the right or practical answer for everyone. And then I feel presumptuous and self-important for even thinking it matters what I write :-). I’m almost a complete stranger, only blogging here for a couple months.

I think I’ve deleted more comments than I’ve posted.

In short, I did not anticipate such feelings (not to mention to be left without my usual longwinded $0.02 :-)). This is a strong emotional aspect of blogging that I only limitedly encountered in my old sites, or even in forums. Here an emotionally potent topic can be found near daily. It’s funny how that happens, too. A string of letters, a turn of phrase, and even habits of punctuation come together to form an idea of a person with whom you can’t help but relate.

Now, I don’t mean to say I’m some magnanimous spring of eternal compassion for the masses :-). Far from it. My home is my priority, and, honestly, there are real world things I’d not do to lend a hand (I’d type my point of view till my fingers turned blue, though, if I thought that’d help :-)). Of course, there’s a line. I’m also not going to claim I’m not going on my history. I’m not looking at blogs about, say, people who’ve lost their spouse to cancer; I’m looking at gay LDS blogs and relating to it with my past and my surroundings.

Nonetheless and for what it’s worth, I want them to know, even if I can’t think of the right words, they can count one more human as listening, reading, concerned, and invested to some degree, with however much meaning a blog relationship may allow.

On the Scales

I need some rehashing on this. I started my online life before the term “blog” existed, and maybe don’t understand the concept :-).

So, after 2 months:

Why Blog?

1. For the direct pleasure. I like to write, particularly as a counterbalance to the regimented type of most journal writing. It’s creative, a drug for most human minds, and putting it out there can stroke the ego (or beat it down :-)).

2. For the same reason my one sisters has had a trainer for 5 years although she could just go and work out on her own: the appointment. After a while of neglect, a public site assumes to be updated, becomes an obligation, not “free time” to be spent of all those many other things. And I want to have a written record of this time. It’s certainly more important than tighter abs :-). I want to be able to go back, and read through it; I want the twins to have a record from where their memory was sketchy and from my perspective, of their lives and today’s politics. The blog motivates.

3. To change minds, and [teary sanctimonious voice]help people[/teary sanctimonious voice]. Too much of #1 and #2 and I start feeling negligent, and I’ve shied away from it; there are wrongs to right, underbellies to defend, and damsels in need of de-distressing. This is about 90% of my history on the web, and there have been great times. But, on the negative end, I ended up with hostility from people I’d never care to meet, sadness for people in immense tragedy, and regret for having to be contrary to foes I came to respect. So:

Why not blog?
4. Threat of harm. I’ve not been upfront with this one, as it’s probably not the best thing to be up front about, but this is the best reasons to not blog. I’m fine with having my anti-gay enemies, pro-gay enemies, and astrologist enemies ;-). But I’ve been threatened enough times, online, in public, to know I don’t like what it does to me, let alone the slim chance it’s backed by action. It brings anxiety, and it gives me that willing-to-do-anything-to-protect viciousness. I’m doubly dehumanized, once by my foe and then by myself.

Each post gives me the feeling this issue is again approaching, closer and closer.

5. Time.

6. From my last site I learned it’s hard on the emotions to come to like people who’d feel they must hurt you, or your family, or a kid in your same shoes, when it seems they’re willing to do that for the pleasure they find in what you see as hope. Thanks to some of those old friends, though, I know they struggle similarly. It just ain’t easy socializing, even when that’s the reflex.

7. Politics. They can taint everything. I want #1 and #2, but I want that #3 reason too, and so do others. No matter how forthcoming I am, it’s a controversial topic, and people will doubt me because it’s useful for them to do so. In a way, L pointed this out, and it’s true. On the other end, I can’t deny the motive to keep people from thinking poorly of us exists.

So why should anyone trust that I’m not, say, an 18-year-old, left-handed, prostitute? I don’t know. Maybe, for the same reason I trust gays married to straight women when they write that their marriages are happy, and they aren’t a psychological mess, despite my political interests. Their stories seem hard to fake, and soul rotting if they were faked. At least we know where we stand and 100% know those who doubt it are the ones with the problem.

But it's disconcerting to write about what I want, about the more personal things, thinking about the politics and suspicion hanging over it all. It’s a good reason to keep a journal instead.

Now, if only these were pebbles of quantifiable weight to be placed on the scales…

The Ruins of Sodor

We’re getting rid of the train table. Their favorite toys were those trains, and now they just don’t play with them anymore, and they sit in my office unused. We had all those trains memorized too, from Thomas to Culdee; I wish I kept as many names of acquaintances in my head :-). So take care, Sir Topham Hatt, my fine capitalist friend; I’ll miss you, or, more accurately, playing your part.

But now it’s all about Star Wars. They became obsessed at the first Jedi and space ship, at mere casual contact with the mythology, long before their limited viewing of severely edited segments of the films. I can’t blame them :-); so was I, but it just feels like they're growing too fast. At least I get to re-experience the fascination--I find myself in perilous light saber duels daily, often accosted as I enter the home--but, the films... My adult mind can’t keep off noticing the dialogue and Mark Hamill’s acting; at least he surpasses Hayden Christensen... :-)

I suppose I’ve a hard time letting go of anything they’ve cared about, even when they’ve stopped, and will certainly stash a bunch of trains in the memorabilia drawers, along with that insanity-inducing Barney trumpet, the favorite pacifiers, and so on. They may want them again some day.

On top of that, we just sold R’s car today. That was the car in which we brought our boys home. It’s taken us on many family trips, and endured twins well. I don't much get into cars and know it's silly, but it was near as tough as selling their first home, where they took their first steps.

I got a good laugh out of it, though. Just as the people were about to drive away, I was feeling kind of somber, explaining to A that we had sold them our car. He obviously remembered what R and I had talked about regarding selling the car, and out of the mouth of the babe, so the buyers could hear, came:

“But, Papa, why do they want to buy so much gas?”

I'd told them the mileage exactly, but, still, thank goodness the deal was sealed… :-)

Anyway that’s done, and, in short, I’m feeling kind of sappy, again.

Black Swan (may as well stick with it...)

And maybe it’s under the influence of sappy that I'm typing here.

I made the mistake of going into my archives :-) and looking at my old site today, reading my page explaining why I’d not be putting myself out there anymore. Now I feel like a fool for starting up any home online again, after those words.

Now, I’m not seeing this blog as exactly the same thing; my traffic here is orders of magnitude smaller, it’s less demanding, and I’ve avoided some of my old mistakes (and maybe made new ones :-)). But it was pretty clear from the beginning I've been having second thoughts, and why.

To be clear, though, I’m not saying I’m out-of-here, what a tired internet cliché that is. I do go through these phases, though. I’ll be thinking I’ll just let it be and not allow a worry, forget about any of these issues, as we have in the past. Stop hunting ;-). But then I start to feel guilty, or like I’ll find us in large political jeopardy one day and wonder why I didn’t do something.

I’ve got all these posts waiting anyway, about 15 of them, on topics ranging from the political tragedy surrounding the Knights Templar to the scandalous sex lives of voles. It just seems like some sort of natural order and timing is there for blog postings, and, for some reason, I just don't feel like proofing or posting them some days. On top of that I’ve got loads of pdfs from many journals on relevant research that I’d hope to go over.

Though I enjoy it, I find I feel indulgent when I just go on about what I would if not for the politics (yep, like the loss of a silly bunch of trains from my office), when the politics are there. There's all this stuff I feel I should post on about the politics, science, religion, and so on (it’s still indulgent to think it anything new or effective :-)). If you haven’t noticed, I’ve got this unreasonable and, sure, bigheaded habit of thinking I can save long lost people too. Seems the thing I've to work out in blogging is why blog? :-).

I'm thinking now, it’d be best to simply start a site again and put this all out at once in one place, and get it done with (yeah right… and "simply"?). I could leave a blog for the going over the everyday life, without the elephant. But then I fear I’d find myself back where I was grateful to have left.

That damnable impulse to fix it… It’s tough to let things go, or to even know if you should.

I just want to be a really useful engine. :-)

Blogging Rules and Regulations

This house needs some order. I look around at blogs and see a bunch of unwritten rules. Let me clear mine up:

1. None of my posts are ever going contain my lamentations over an inability to find low low prices on viagra. No advertising in the comments.

2. I don’t care if you put links in your comments to your blog or anywhere else, as long as they are at least vaguely relevant, and perfectly work safe, and family friendly.

3. Curse, if you must, but you’ll be bleeped. Pretend this is primetime TV with the same rules, save the gay people in it aren’t stereotypes, and they're not constantly out to sissify the straight guy.

4. Make your comments as long as they need to be. I, a longwinded guy, cannot through the first stone in this area and don’t a bit mind. (I feel the same about spelling and grammar. I’ll not criticize that; sometimes my hands type the oddest things…)

5. I am not a strict topic enforcer. I don’t mind if comments get off track.

Now, some other things…

Clearly, the names have been changed to protect the [in the eye of the beholder]. I don’t, of course, call my spouse by a single letter. For future reference, if I get comfortable enough to talk more about our children, I think they’ll have the names they had first, A and B.

I really most want to talk about them, and think the most useful information for other gay men and women I’d have is regarding being a parent, but am still thinking of the borders I want to place.

Also I don’t think I’ll be keeping it all gay all the time. Though that’s really the only thing that makes me not just another boring father and researcher ;-), I get tired of it. I think I’ll start straying a bit.

Back online again [nervous sigh].

I’ve had two sites in my life exploring topics of religion, politics, homosexuality, and so on. I got rid of the first when I couldn’t agree with myself anymore, and got rid of the second when I started getting death threats.

In short, I’ve yet to do anything online more personal than buy a book that didn’t end in regret a year or so down the line (and I’ve regretted some of the books too). So, of course, another go at it then, with full knowledge I’ll regret it :-)…


I’ve been inspired to blog by, of all groups, the LDS gays married to straight women, featured here. I’ve very much appreciated their stories, and have learned a lot from them.

There are other reasons, of course, the old reasons. I hope to encourage young gays to look beyond the stereotype of the “gay lifestyle” presented to them by the left and the right. I also want those who can’t understand our family to have the opportunity to do so. Finally, I want to keep this as a bit of a record and place to collect my thoughts.

I’m certainly nowhere near a writer; I’m a scientist, and promise no skillful language, spelling, or grammar. I’m also a bit longwinded. To indulge this (and allay it in future posts), I’ll start by posting my relevant background.