Monday, October 23, 2006

On the Scales

I need some rehashing on this. I started my online life before the term “blog” existed, and maybe don’t understand the concept :-).

So, after 2 months:

Why Blog?
1. For the direct pleasure. I like to write, particularly as a counterbalance to the regimented type of most journal writing. It’s creative, a drug for most human minds, and putting it out there can stroke the ego (or beat it down :-)).

2. For the same reason my one sisters has had a trainer for 5 years although she could just go and work out on her own: the appointment. After a while of neglect, a public site assumes to be updated, becomes an obligation, not “free time” to be spent of all those many other things. And I want to have a written record of this time. It’s certainly more important than tighter abs :-). I want to be able to go back, and read through it; I want the twins to have a record from where their memory was sketchy and from my perspective, of their lives and today’s politics. The blog motivates.

3. To change minds, and [teary sanctimonious voice]help people[/teary sanctimonious voice]. Too much of #1 and #2 and I start feeling negligent, and I’ve shied away from it; there are wrongs to right, underbellies to defend, and damsels in need of de-distressing. This is about 90% of my history on the web, and there have been great times. But, on the negative end, I ended up with hostility from people I’d never care to meet, sadness for people in immense tragedy, and regret for having to be contrary to foes I came to respect. So:

Why not blog?
4. Threat of harm. I’ve not been upfront with this one, as it’s probably not the best thing to be up front about, but this is the best reasons to not blog. I’m fine with having my anti-gay enemies, pro-gay enemies, and astrologist enemies ;-). But I’ve been threatened enough times, online, in public, to know I don’t like what it does to me, let alone the slim chance it’s backed by action. It brings anxiety, and it gives me that willing-to-do-anything-to-protect viciousness. I’m doubly dehumanized, once by my foe and then by myself.
Each post gives me the feeling this issue is again approaching, closer and closer.

5. Time.

6. From my last site I learned it’s hard on the emotions to come to like people who’d feel they must hurt you, or your family, or a kid in your same shoes, when it seems they’re willing to do that for the pleasure they find in what you see as hope. Thanks to some of those old friends, though, I know they struggle similarly. It just ain’t easy socializing, even when that’s the reflex.

7. Politics. They can taint everything. I want #1 and #2, but I want that #3 reason too, and so do others. No matter how forthcoming I am, it’s a controversial topic, and people will doubt me because it’s useful for them to do so. In a way, L pointed this out, and it’s true. On the other end, I can’t deny the motive to keep people from thinking poorly of us exists.

So why should anyone trust that I’m not, say, an 18-year-old, left-handed, prostitute? I don’t know. Maybe, for the same reason I trust gays married to straight women when they write that their marriages are happy, and they aren’t a psychological mess, despite my political interests. Their stories seem hard to fake, and soul rotting if they were faked. At least we know where we stand and 100% know those who doubt it are the ones with the problem.

But it's disconcerting to write about what I want, about the more personal things, thinking about the politics and suspicion hanging over it all. It’s a good reason to keep a journal instead.

Now, if only these were pebbles of quantifiable weight to be placed on the scales…

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