Monday, October 02, 2006

The Eraser

I was going to hold off on this, but fear I’ll forget the mood, and the moral if I don’t get it out (particularly where I can be as longwinded as I want :-)).

Ever had a series of events that just made you feel like coincidence was aiming to drive home a point? That’s how I feel right now.

After these comments in Mr. Galt’s blog, the going over my feelings on Fred, a dead “friend” and, oddly enough, a dead coyote (Oh, I’ll make the connection… :-)), I get into my car to go to work and the midst of this chorus starts up on my CD player:

The more you try to erase me
The more that I appear
The more you try the eraser
The more that you appear

Futility. It seemed appropriate (the rest of the lyrics are less relatable, but it could be done and I’d dare not interpret :-)).

So, is that me again? Tracking through the snow, erasing paw print after paw print, addressing falsehood after insult, helping one gay kid only for another to take his place. Is it that the closer I get, the more prints there’ll be to follow, as the animal keeps just into the next shelter of trees? Does the metaphor hold in the fact that the further I chase the wolf from my door, the further I get from home, from those who need me? I hope not; I do fear it, though.

Maybe, if I just stopped the hunt, paused in the silence for a while, went home, and waited… Well, might he just lie down in our backyard someday, and I’ll find him there, tell my boy’s not to worry, everything will be okay, and, just like that, it’s over? Maybe.

There’s this problem, this monstrous and sad problem. You all know it. I’m not talking about people; it’s an intangible beast, built through so much history. I see it wreaking tragedy and lurking in borderlands of so many lives, from gay men to un-gay men to the people who love them, and I’ve been trying to help fix it for just under half my life, even when I knew I was in an unfixable instance of it.

Today, I do see it healing, and quickly. But how? Is it from the hunt? Instead, I’m wondering now if the end to this animal may be the ever-tightening snare of the reality in our own backyards, in mundane everyday existence.

Gee, I hope I didn’t stretch that connection until it broke :-). Forgive the symbolism, I just found it apt for my mood, and that's what I'm feeling.

Anyway, that said, let me at least respond to Change1996, and I’ll ruminate on the above some more; it’s just an off-the-cuff observation…

I’ll take some of those questions as rhetorical, Change, but no, I’ve not heard of some of what you describe in the gay community (Unless a “dark room” has to do with photography :-)).

As for your experience, you may not want empathy, but, again, what can you expect? That’s horrible, vile. I would hope you could press charges, but understand it’s not that easy.

You ask “So what do you suggest for your defence.”

I suggest nothing. It’s not my defense to give, and those who best could give it can’t either, because there is none for such actions.

In fact, I’d think what I do lessens the chance of a repeat of your experience, but the whole point is that it’s not my place to defend nor can I be responsible for the choices of others. No matter how much anyone may think it could help, it's the wrong solution. I think you know that’s a truth of ethics, but I understand that trauma can make the easy difficult. I know it took me many many years to quit assuming every LDS person, not already in my life, was a cruel homophobe who, to save their shame, would coldly disown their gay children and leave them with no support or love. I admit that’s a reflex I still fight. I’d hope you could also try to stop generalizing regarding gays as well, but it is understandable with your experience.

I have experienced some heartbreaks that can not convince me that this could even be an option even if god WOULD allow it.

That’s exactly why I support people in your shoes to never act out on their orientation.

It’s also why I can’t keep up my anger. If not for Fred, certainly not for you, Change ;-). It’s that bolt of malevolence striking from the tree line to harm those I love that gets me up in arms. That was you. When I see there’s a person there, with their own reasons… It makes most every underserved insult and wrong understandable. You sapped the ire right out of me; as I wrote, nature just swallows that whole.

"So,why don't you stay in your gay hole and be happy without trying to defend yourself for the wrong that you are doing. "

Again, probably a rhetorical question… But I, like you, know what’s wrong, and am compelled to speak up when I see it. Unfortunately, that pits us against each other. I mean, are you telling me you’d just let folk insult your family and kids, tell lies, and use those stereotypes to harm them legally? You’d not say anything, just stay in your “gay hole” and be happy (what a funny way of insulting :-))?

If I could ignore what I imagine your intentions to be, I would make the same claim regarding your life, to keep to yourself and stop defending the wrong you're doing, but I’m betting you think you’re in the right. For that alone, you deserve an audience.

But, as I began this post, you may have a point. I’ve been trying to fix it; it’s my habit. I keep the wolf from the door; that’s one large way in which I’ve come to define myself, and oddly it’s a chorus in the same voice. I’m out to keep experiences like yours from happening. I keep awake at my post, sometime literally, and keep my family safe. I’ve been at it a long time. Maybe too long; maybe I should stop tracking, defend only the home turf, and let it come to me. I don’t know.

I'm just showing you were something really innocently looking lead ME!!!!!!!!!

Well, it shouldn’t be innocent looking; all sex can be deadly dangerous, and, because of our position, sex with the average gay man can be even more so. Nevertheless, it lead me worlds away from your experience, and I can be nothing but grateful for being gay. I can’t even really regret the tough times; they too had their odd way of leading me to happiness.

A long while ago, I wrote a bunch of advice (in a humble manner, of course ;-)) I’d give to those just coming out and have been waiting for an appropriate time to post it. I’ll post it this week, and would appreciate your input.

“And no, I want to be rude on this one.”

Congratulations then ;-). Look, Chris is right. No one gets anywhere without civil dialogue; it’s something I forget too.

What do you call this in the gay world,self inflicted rape?

When a person sexually violates you through coercion or force? I call it rape. I call it rape too even if they drug a person to make them more agreeable to sex they’d not otherwise agree to. The punishment for, say, drinking is no more justly rape than it would be the punishment for wearing a miniskirt for straight women, and it’s unfortunate you’d expect such a reaction.

I’ve only felt threatened with rape, just once, and that was more than enough to leave an impression. I hope you can heal.

Now, the “gay world”? I’d find it funny that you’d think I’d fit in the world you’re likely considering if the topic wasn’t so serious, but, still, I’ve never heard that term before, in the gay or straight world.

Anyway… one more paw print. What’s to be done? Should we fight, Change1996? Should we let all our commonality go?

I’m sure we could both be vicious for some very good reasons, and get nowhere.


Change1996 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Change1996 said...

Let's stop fighting.
It's not woth it.
I'll comment more later.
Have a good night.

Anonymous said...

I just want to tell you that I realy enjoy your blog. I admire your writing, your story is very inspiring and you have such a wonderful way of challenging steroetypes while representing yourself so positively.

Scot said...

Hey, Change, I’m always glad to holster the revolvers, if not quick to draw :-).

I really wasn’t sure if I was just going through the exercise of replying for merely myself or not, thinking you may not read it.

I’d not read more into the first comment, but as for the metaphor part I saw in the preview, sheesh, I know… It seemed like too good a fit yesterday to ignore.

Thank you, Anonymous.