Wednesday, October 04, 2006

On the Package

Thank you for purchasing Gayness* TM. We appreciate your patronage. Please, before operating Gayness, read all warnings and familiarize yourself with the owner’s manual. No warrantees expressed or implied. If you feel Gayness was shipped to you mistakenly, please, attempt to return it to [address smudged off]. If you wish to exchange Gayness for another of our fine products, keep Gayness in its original condition and meet all the terms of our return policy. Write to the address above for a copy of the return policy, in paperback or hardcover. Shipping may take 2 to 80 years.

For customer service, please call 801-5#5-18*7. A very limited number of operators are standing by. Thank you for your patience.

Contents include:
1-Gayness.
1-Owner’s manual. (Tomorrow)
1-Madona CD.

*Gayness should not be operated while under the influence of alcohol, or certain cold medicines. Side effects may include alienation, anger, weakening of the wrist muscles, angelic assault, and hallucinations of improved fashion sense. Do not use Gayness if your wife is or may become be pregnant, or if you’ve been diagnosed with homophobitia or closetal occlusion. If you feel you are experiencing guilt or shame while operating Gayness, please discontinue use and consult your physician.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am still waiting for my owners manual as well and my CD has been worn out...

Anonymous said...

LOL!

Oh, that's good stuff.

How much did I pay for Gayness, anyway?

santorio said...

If you have to ask how much it costs, you can't afford it.

Scot said...

Anonymous,

My R’s CD is worn out too. You want mine though? It’s like new. ;-)

Scot said...

Oh, my dear L, don’t it just hate it when you get stuff in the mail you never ordered and it shows up on your credit card? I fear you may have paid a high price too. I hope you find that customer service department, get what you want, and correct the charges.

For me, the product now exceeds my needs and expectations (though certainly I did at one point try to decipher the return policy). To boot, as any Pat Robertson would tell you, it’s kind of like AOL. I get 5 bucks off my monthly bill for each person I convince to buy Gayness TM. Once I get to ten new customers, they’ll send me a free toaster oven!

Kengo Biddles said...

Scot, I haven't said it here, but THANK YOU for making "The Package"

J G-W said...

Hi-larious. Loved this.