Utah Pride, 2009

Sure, the parade for GLBT Utahns was rained on in more ways than one this year, with many of our extended family's tithe money, if not their direct support, going to pass Proposition 8 and the loss of all bills in Utah's legislature that would have given our families a sliver of equal legal treatment. But even as we set off walking the route in a downpour, everywhere you looked there were friendly smiles (Well, a couple protesters aside).

I was surprised at how many people did ignore the weather and come to Pride.
We were there again with a bunch of family: nieces, a sister, and so on.
My wonderful parents:
Sometimes I fear my mom was disappointed when I came out, not because I'm gay but because she got a gay son who doesn't care about fancy clothes. Cruel irony; I'm just a drab sciencey guy. I mean, just look at those colors on her.

Maybe this sort of style would have been more her speed :-):
I think she may have that pink hat.

She, of course, was the one to get these sun glasses (and suckers) for the twins:
I thought this was cute too: Brian took one of grandma's bracelets and used it for a necklace for Wolfey (The favored stuffed animal since birth--you can tell by the poor thing's cataracts).
Anyway, another fun, though wet, pride parade, and here's to hoping the storm clouds break here with the coming year.

On a side, my dad always tells the story, when Senator Buttars comes up in conversation, about how he first met the guy when Buttars ran the Boy's Ranch and was asking my dad for a donation, long before my dad had any idea his son was gay or that Buttars was... well... you know. My dad left the meeting at the boys ranch appalled by what he witnessed and disgusted with Buttars and sure to find a better "charity" than that. At Pride those who had experienced the "therapy" of the Boy's Ranch first hand had a booth and my dad talked with them for a while. I think some of their accounts and goals deserved attention:

You can see their site here

Pride 2008 Recap

Another great pride event.

We walked with Equality Utah:
Alan distributed necklaces:
Once out of necklaces (those he was willing to part with) and the parade was over, we met up with my parents, some friends, sister, a niece and nephew, and walked the booths a bit.

Finally at the arranged secret time and secret place, we met up with some of the local blogging mohos:
I should admit that I altered this group photo of our meeting slightly, to conceal our identities a bit (BYU morality police being what they are...). FYI, I'm the guy with the chaps and handlebar mustache.

Seriously, it was a pleasure to meet you, and spend the day with those already met. (Edgy, Wha happened?)

Apparently, there were many many gay LDS (or ex-LDS) there:

That's to be followed with an "on your mission" of course. Rob's flag is stuck there in South Korea.

Finally, all prided out, Brian attained enlightenment
and we went home to take a nap, before our weekly Sunday family dinner at my parent's. Good day.

MoHos @ Utah Pride 2008

Next week is the Utah Pride Festival.

Until about 5 years ago, I'd not been to our pride festival, thinking it would not be my cup of tea. To be honest, I thought the worst of it; and probably can guess what most in Utah think. But it's actually quite a nice event, and family friendly too, with only the need to avert your eyes (or gawk) a couple times, not unlike our state fair :-). We spend most our time in the kid's area getting our faces painted and watching the performers. They had a magician last year that had Brian in stitches. It's just nice to be in a place where you can relax, touch your husband on the shoulder without second guessing the mob around you, and feel a sense of community, a sense that is often taken away from gay men and women in Utah.

Anyway, the events calendar is here.

On Sunday, just between the "Destroying Your Neighbor's Marriage in 5 E-Z Steps" seminar, and the "Are You Rebelling Against the One True God(TM) to Your Full Potential?" workshop will be a parade, maybe even a "fabulous" parade. We'll be there, along with the grandparents and maybe an aunt and cousin or two.

After the parade, I was wondering if anyone from the blogs would like to get together, put face to font. If so send off an email and we'll try to set up a tiny MoHo blog convention. If you have trouble finding me, I'll be the guy in the high cut daisy dukes with a pink T-shirt tied in a knot in front. If that's too vague, just shout my name. And no worries, if you stick near us, I can use my secret gay code signals to keep the roving bands of leather men from carrying you away (unless that's your sort of thing... in which case, though, I doubt you're reading this :-)).

Today is National Coming Out Day.

The following people are gay:
-Lance Bass
-Sir Ian McKellen
----Gandalf, but not Magneto
-That other British guy
-Richard Simmons (allegedly, judge for yourself)
-96.4% of all Smurfs (Yes, even Handy)
-Captain Sulu
-And many more…

Don’t even get me started on other bloggers; they’re soooo gay…

I’m glad I got that off my chest. But me? No, I’m not gay. I’ve simply been conducting an elaborate and extensive sociological experiment for near two decades. If only there was an appropriate Nobel Prize category…

Seriously, I’m not “in” anywhere, haven’t been for ages. I'll not force it, but I'll come out as soon as it comes up in any way; our kids out us nearly everywhere we go regardless. The only instance in which I'd not come out is where I felt it threatened us physically, and it's been a long time since I've felt that.

I suppose I could come out to strangers today. Something like:

“That’ll be $5.29, sir.”

“I’m gay. Here you go.”

Probably not too productive…

Simply and as a general rule, I’d say it’s a great, healthy move to come out, but it’s your move, and you should want it. Do it because you need to breath and don’t want to live in fear anymore. Do it to correct a wrong, or a bias about “your kind”. Do it to be honest. Do it because others need your help. Or do it because somebody loves you and deserves to know, or maybe deserves you, all of you. Take your pick of what’s applicable or pick none.

But I’d certainly not come out because it’s October 11th.

Nonetheless, happy Coming Out Day. :-)

PSA For the Gay #1

It’s almost Fall Pride week, National Coming Out Day and so on…

I see the signs popping up around, some suspiciously tossed under trees and bent in half. “Judge not least ye be judged.” “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and women are created equal.” And more. They’re all over

I know it’s important to have a sense of community for gay kids who feel they’ve lost theirs. I also, of course, think coming out is a good thing to do, for the vast majority. And, while I cringe at the use of the word “pride” (an insult by my upbringing), I do get it’s more of a way to show a lack of undeserved shame and that can be important to many just coming out.

Here’s my worry: I worry these events can take up more space and time and spectacle than we represent. It can lead to resentment anytime one person takes up more than their fair share, or acts disruptive. Never feel or show them shame--it’s absolutely undeserved for your orientation--but true pride of sexual orientation and display of such is just plain ridiculous and provocative.

Don’t get me wrong; I do go to and do enjoy the “pride” [cringe] parade and many other events. In general and for the most part I see them as productive, and fun. But there is this minority element in the SLC GLBTQ :-) community, and people’s notice tends to favor them (not to mention the media). Unfair as it is, we all get judged by their example. Their picture is in the paper the next day despite all the mundane religious, family, and political groups represented. While we all certainly deserve to be heard, and every person should demand justice, everyone should behave civilly and always cognizant of the humanity on the other end of our issues, despite how wronged we’ve been.

Simply, for example, what’s more productive: 1. a “drag race” through campus, one of the first events, or 2. an open panel discussion with a couple of well-spoken real-world transvestites? I’d imagine, if I were a transvestite I’d be there right along with the conservative kids in my offence at #1, witnessing non-transvestites seemingly trivializing my life with a silly race.

Anyway, Take it or leave it [cue that shooting star with the rainbow tail].

Allies

Some days it’s felt like it’s just R and I against the world (and, when I think of our boys now, I know the world doesn’t stand a chance ;-)). As I don’t exactly fit into the traditional gay culture or LDS culture, it has sometimes felt like I was a man without a culture, and it was only up to us to defend what we feel is important.

This is an old, bad habit of mine; it’s not true. The “gay community” is not what it was when I was a teen; it’s not what it was when we left it. It’s no longer “traditional” and neither is the LDS culture. Everything has changed in the last decade and we’ve changed too.

Last night’s Equality Utah Allies Dinner, was a great example of how much has changed (a small article on it is in the D-News). Near 1000 people filled the Salt Palace Grand Ballroom. There were politicians from the county council, to the school boards, to the legislatures, a record number of endorsements (37) and candidates looking for endorsement (56).

A local politician, a wonderful conservative LDS man, gave a great speech, upon accepting the event’s award. He eloquently explained why he took a stand against our state's anti-gay politics, and why the rights of our families are important to everyone. One odd note: He related his experience being called to task by legislators, after he ran a session teaching gays and lesbians how to become delegates. A nameless legislator had the gall to tell him gays shouldn’t even be voting, let alone delegates (I wonder who that was? ;-)). Simply, this is a man who makes me feel grateful to be a Utahn, and not so bad when I vote republican :-).

Neil Giuliano, the former four-term mayor of Tempe, Arizona, and now the President of GLAAD was the keynote speaker. It was another wonderful and humorous speech regarding the changing public opinion. He made a point of highlighting that is was in the 1970’s when more than 50% of the population began advocating for non-discrimination of gays in the workplace. On equal rights and responsibilities for our families, though, there’s a ways to go.

But with the help of all those good people, it doesn’t seem that long of a ways this morning.

So many great gay folks were there, form our very handsome pediatrician for whom my mom is desperate to find a husband (email her, not me :-)), to our fellow dads, to our great lesbian friends. But we’d get nowhere by ourselves, without our allies, families, and friends. We are just too small a minority and perpetually so. All of us, all GLBT are in great debt to our many straight allies. It takes an all too rare sense of empathy and justice to feel our cause is important to them, and I hope we all feel the need to do the same, in similarly helping others, those not in “our group”.

I tried to thank my parents for coming again last night, and generously donating. They refused to take credit, saying simply it’s what they want to do. The crack in my voice usually conveys what I’m feeling, but I hope they know. I hope they all know.

AIDS Walk

We always start out charity walks as a speed governor for the good folks behind us. Eventually, they all trickle around our wagons and strollers until our group is left far behind. About the time we’re unable to see another walker (witness ;-)), the kids have had enough and we cut off the loop in the route to cross the finish a good 10 minuets ahead of the rest. This year’s AIDS walk was no different. Mia culpa.

AIDS may not be a “gay disease,” but it sure does hover about gay culture; it’s certainly on the mind of most gay men.

At one point in my life I was near sure I had contracted it… from a kiss. I was as ignorant and paranoid about the disease as most in my cloistered LDS neighborhood. Embarrassingly, I even went in to get tested.

My sexual history could’ve made a puritan pilgrim look like Caligula, but the nurse kindly explained my ignorance without making me feel it. I took the test anyway, and sat in the waiting room feeling like the most desperate creature on earth (what would I tell my parents?). I felt an enormous relief when I was told the obvious. Mia culpa.

I eventually learned better, found my husband, and I, still a virgin on all accounts, was tested again, this time as more of a gift we gave each other than a real concern. We felt no anxiety when we went in for the results. It was just something we thought (and think) couples should do before physical intimacy.

Another admission, then? Regrettably, my take on AIDS in the gay community took a turn for the worse here. I had my falling out with the old culture over a couple things, one of them being sex. Of course, the man of my above mentioned kiss set the tone, and my anger at him certainly spilled over into the lives of others. But that, of course, was not the only sad example I came across of gay kids, gay men damaging themselves for a reckless and quick bit of sex.

I don’t remember when, but at some point, many years ago, I found I had only a frail sympathy for such men (it “helped” that I knew none as friends). I chose a life that made me far less likely to contract any STD than your average heterosexual. Yet, I was told by vitriolic opponents that I spread diseases and should have a “warning label”. Our family dentist, a seemingly kind LDS man and oblivious to my orientation, told my mom the government should cart gays off “to some island and let them die” (not to mention the typical treatment of doctors). I was told I shouldn’t be a parent because my imagined promiscuity would leave orphans.

Just because one group of men and I had one thing in common, I was judged by their actions, and I felt raw about it. My sympathy could easily snap at one wrong word, at any hint, even imagined, at entitlement to help.

I now certainly regret it.

So many things, so many people came together, just right, to keep me from the common harms experienced by gays. But we do all have that common foe, though one that’s been relatively easy on me. I never, say, lost the love of my family, and watched it turn to cruelty. What it does to a person can make sad mistakes all too understandable.

Anyway, I apologize; I was rightly angry but that anger was misplaced by a good long ways. Today, I am honored to attend the various events with so many determined, kindhearted people and I always feel better off for it.

At the very least, I got to answer “Papa, what’s charity?”, yesterday (after a round of questioning aimed to figure out why we were walking with all these strangers). You never know how much sinks in, but, when I summed up and asked if they understood, our boys gave a convincing “yes”.

I got my money’s worth.

I just hope my (what’s a good euphemism for them both?)… “oversimplification of paths” is forgiven.