Fanksgiving

Last year, I wrote a post, based on our family tradition of going around the table and saying why we’re thankful for in each person. I’ll not do that again. No, I’ve not succumbed to the undercurrent of us v. them. Yet. I just don’t have the time for a post that could fit in all the new folk around here :-). But I do want you all to know I’ve gratitude for getting to know those who visit (and particularly those lend their voices and good nature to) my little spot here, to whatever extent this medium allows. I’m also thankful to get to know the people whose blogs I frequent. Many make me smile, make me think, or just plane entertain. Even when they leave me feeling down for the author’s difficult predicaments, I know it’s better than not listening, and it makes the almost inevitable upswing in their lives all the more welcome and worth the feelings of investment (again, to whatever extent this medium allows :-)).

We just returned from Moab where we spent the holiday. This was a particularly memorable thanksgiving for us as Rob and I combined families this year. It’s always difficult to tell either of our parents we’ll be spending a holiday with the other set, and so we try to be as fair as possible. This year, we were headed down to be with Rob’s clan and Rob called my parents to tell them. Long-story-short, by the end of it all he had invited my parents, one aunt, one sister and a couple nieces and in-laws with us (I told him not to offer unless he was willing to hear yes :-)).

I can’t help but imagine an outsider would expect mixing such different families to result in some trouble. Add in the fact that the families are joined together by a gay union and you’ve the makings of a short-lived sitcom. Nevertheless, we all get along great. In addition to our personal bit of diversity, we had representatives from all across the political, religious, social, and racial spectrums there. I think it shows how much the world has changed that such categorizations now mean next to nothing in the face of the modern human family, far less than the quality of, say, your stuffing. Heck, in my parents’ lifetime, not only would it have been unthinkable that a gay couple could bring such great families together; it would be highly improbable for even an interracial couple. It’s hard to remember, but things really are changing quickly, and for that I am, of course, thankful.

With both families, though, our numbers were so large no home could hold us. So we had Thanksgiving outside this year, in Canyon Lands.
A bit untraditional, and a lot of fun. Rob organized everyone into a perfectly choreographed potluck. I’ll be honest, not everybody in our families is a good cook--Rob is, by far, the best--but this way we got the best dish from each family member (some were smartly assigned to bring the paper plates). We also brought a bunch of 4-wheelers and motorcycles to replace the traditional post-dinner tryptophan nap. Good times.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. I thought the same. A pilgrim and an Indian, isn’t that too cutesie? Maybe in the same way as wearing, say, matching pink outfits? Yes, you’re right, yes it is. But, in our defense, again, we bought those costumes for a school pageant a week ago, not even thinking about using them for the holiday. Furthermore, at the idea, both the boys wanted to wear them to show their other grandparents and we were all for getting more use out of them.

Unfortunately, once we got home, Brian, my pilgrim, manifest-destinied right into Alan's room, gave him a cold, and took all his toys. No worries though, Alan's been relocated to a wonderful reservation in the laundry room, where he's set up a slot machine.

Finally, the day after thanksgiving we took my parents to see some of the sights; they haven’t been in the area much, though my mom grew up near Price. We planned a drive to beautiful, scenic Dead Horse Point:
Damn cloud.

Eh, I know I’ve been a lucky man, weather aside. So, to whatever person, place, or thing; to whatever luck, accident, or fate; to whatever God, law of physics, will, gene, or meme there may be out there coming together to make my Thanksgivings less of a reminder to be thankful, fanks (As my Alan up there would say).

Here’s to hoping to deserve it then :-).

This is Ridiculous

You know what I mean. It seems I must have prophetic power.

Let’s debate, of course. I mean, I’m right and oh so many others are wrong, after all. And sure, maybe we can occasionally argue, post a heated comment or two. I know I’ve written what I’ve regretted, once time cooled me down.

I had no idea, though, the seriousness of what goes on through the back allies of this internet neighborhood until today. I knew the streets here were a bit more mean, yep, but I now get the feeling I don’t know the half of it.

Sure, I caught wind of some serious threats from other’s blogs, threats of calling the morality police, and so on. But now I hear of physical threats and know people’s personal, perhaps professional lives are being put in jeopardy. Some of these people have spouses, kids too; none of whom deserve the repercussions, regardless of what we think has been done to us by their family member. But when a person is attacked with such real world threats their family can’t help but pay a price too.

There’s a wide line between arguing a point by reason and by threat. This community must go back to respecting that border, or else, in a matter of months, all that will be left here are the people out for a fight, and nothing more. Trust in my prophetic abilities. It’ll be a post-apocalyptic wasteland of filthy sodomites and sadistic homophobes, and you just know my team will end up with the studded-leather Mad-Max outfits. No one wants to see that.

Personally, I want to make sure this place is as safe for all as possible; not safe from dissent, of course, but from real world danger. Furthermore, I think we should all want this place to be particularly safe for the people who are the most vulnerable to such threats, those who have something like a family to frantically defend. If we lose their voice, we’ll lose a lot (myself, for one ;-], and I want to stick around).

So can’t we all just fight and get along? Don’t make me dress like The Humongous every time I want to blog. It looks like it would chafe:

The WSGCAPDP Vote

The race for the white house is heating up. Now, I don’t claim to be politically savvy, or all that knowledgeable in the arena. But, as a service to all those candidates hoping to capture that influential western-suburban-gay-christiany-agnostic-prudish-doctor-parent vote, let me tell you the top ten things you need to say (not necessarily in order). So listen up. I’m looking at you, Huckabee.

1. Tell me you’ll do all you can to be sure my children won’t end up paying my debts. Our national debt is ticking away; at tens of thousands per US citizen now. I haven’t been in any debt in my personal life for many years and can’t stand paying any interest, but here I am with this government debt, and it’s even worse that it’ll probably be my kids who’ll pay for it. Send us the bill; let’s pay it and balance our national budget. We need, say, to go to war? It’s necessary? Fine. Tell me to sacrifice and I’ll sacrifice now. I mean how embarrassing would it be to be the first generation in a long while to leave the next with less?

2. Tell me that you’ll keep our military strong, well equipped, and intimidating; providing for our national defense, I feel, is one of the top jobs of government. But also tell me that you’ll never use the military carelessly. If you want my vote, I have to know that, when my boys turn 18, you’ll not have gotten us into a pointless war that will chew them up. If we need to send our kids or ourselves into battle, I have to trust that you’ll know what a need is; give me more than rumors of, say, yellow cake and grand visions of transforming the middle east. Show me that we must do it to defend ourselves, or that we’ve the moral duty to defend others (and that in doing so we won’t make things worse for those others). On this same topic, let gays be open in the armed forces already. I mean, if we really are at war, let’s not be firing translators because they talked about who they went on a date with last night.

3. Tell me that you care passionately about freedom of expression, association, and religion. Tell me the Constitution, the Bill of Rights are important to you. I want to be able to say what I feel, I want my government to listen (by my elected representatives, not wiretap), and I want even my detractors to have those rights. I also, being a Utahn :-), want to keep my guns, though don’t mind some regulation on some weapons. I mean, I’m sure the founders didn’t intend the 2nd amendment to apply to all arms, from side to nuclear, but I want the option of defending my family somewhat effectively when threatened, and we’ve been threatened at times.

4. Health care. I don’t claim to understand why things are becoming so ridiculous, but I’ve got my own horror stories. To be honest, I don’t know what would be the best solution here either; just that it’s a growing problem, nationally and in my personal observations. If you want my vote, I’m going to need to hear what particular steps you back. Less regulation? Universal coverage? I’m willing to listen to any good arguments.

5. Speaking of health insurance... Advocate full and equal legal rights for all families, regardless of the sexual anatomy of those involved. You don’t want to call it “marriage”? I can live with that. But my family pays into our coffers and should have equal rights. Anything less is simply wrong and I want to see you stand up and say it in the face of the PC pressure to be, if at all publically for equal rights, some lukewarm begrudging supporter.

6. Tell me the US will behave morally. Tell me the United States Government will not torture or send prisoners to jurisdictions where torture is practiced, with zero equivocation. Tell me, when we do business and trade with another country, we will always take into consideration the treatment of the citizens of that country by their government, not merely the gain of having them as a trading partner. Just as I don’t want to pass on a financial debt to our kids; I don’t want to pass on a moral debt.

7. Tell me you’ll do something about our air. I’m not talking even about global warming, though that’s a concern. I’m talking about the immense embarrassment we should feel as a population that there are literally days we can’t let our kids out to play in our cities because the air carries well past a safe level of pollutants. I’m talking about the fact that we know this air is killing thousands of people in our cities prematurely. Think about it. There are days we foul our outside air so bad that we shouldn’t breathe it. That’s crazy.

8. Abortion and stem cell research. See this post.

9. Tell me you'll be above reproach. I don't want you to even have a way of knowing who gave what to your campaign. Don’t accept any donations from PACs. Take public money, or small personal contributions, keep away from the loopholes, and publically disavow and discourage folks who, for your cause, do things like push polls and smear the reputations of, say, people who served honorably in the military. I’m not a fan of telling people how they can spend their cash or speak, but politicians are free to accept it or not and I want a candidate who plays fair and is obligated to no one, unless it’s everyone. Of course, this probably means you won't win...

10. Briefs. I don’t trust a man in boxers. I’m not, however, sure how I feel about a woman in boxers.

And if you want my vote 4 years from now, do what you say. Furthermore, if you happen to cheat on your wife and end up going on national television and lying about it, you’ll not get my vote again either. I’m just say’n, just in case; I don’t want to have to vote for Nader ;-).

The Missionary Man

A couple days ago the missionaries knocked on my parent's door, and my mom, though a former LDS member, let them in to talk for a while. Many of her grandchildren are or have been on LDS missions, and so she, of course, wanted to offer these kids her hospitality and let them do their thing. She used to even pay the church some tithing when I came around to pick up the offerings.

Anyway, the whole visit went downhill fast. Small talk led to "the talk," which is fine; she's used to attempts to convert her and has seen it all before. Heck, a group of local relief society members made her into a project a couple years ago for about 6 months. When pressed by this missionary for areas where she disagrees with the LDS church, she eventually brought up my family and the church's active involvement in changing the constitution to keep us from equal rights. Then it got ugly.

Fortunately it was just the one missionary that became combative, while the other kept quiet. This kid began telling my mom our family was illegitimate and sinful. He told her we were selfish because we weren’t raising children. Then, when she corrected him and showed him a picture of her grandkids, he reversed and told her that we were selfish because we were raising children, and even suggested they weren’t really our children because they weren’t biologically related to us both. So are they not “really” someone’s grandkids too? (I don’t think it’ll ever cease to surprise me that so many people do or will consider children they parent only theirs if it’s by biology, as if a change in DNA sequence would change their love and devotion. It’s kind of depressing to think on it.)

Finally the guy had the nerve to say his faith had nothing against either Rob or I. They just want us to basically break up, and pay more in cash and legal intangibles than they do. See, that’s okay, in his eyes. That, in his doublespeak, is treating people with love and respect.

Now my mom, as has been her nature as long as I’ve had the fortune of being her son, didn’t get upset and remained patient but clear (fortunately, my dad wasn’t at home ;-). He'll outright fight for us.). In fact, she related the encounter to me with some amusement. And, at first, it was kind of a funny encounter to me too. But, as I’ve been thinking about it, about what that kid was trying to do, it’s starting to look much worse.

What was this guy’s ultimate goal? To turn my mom on our family? To get her to (“lovingly”) begin to see our home as illegitimate, evil? Our home that arguably has the best, most stable marriage of any of her eight children; that’s what he was hoping to end? To get her to hope, as he was, for us to split up our kid’s home? And then I start to wonder, did he want her to impart such “values” to our children, during the many visits they all enjoy by living so close to us? To teach our children to undermine their very home?

I'm a bit upset. No, more than a bit upset. Today, I’m feeling outright nervous and combative; I’ve even been wondering if staying here is ultimately best. I’ve began to even worry about the LDS kid in Brian’s class who keeps talking to him about going to heaven. I know it sounds minor and it wasn’t a bother until now, but trying to temped our kid’s with the idea of heaven leads to the dogma and allegiances that are the supposed price for that reward.

And I, being agnostic, can’t ethically suggest such rewards and punishments as heaven and hell. I can’t compete on promises of pleasure and pain alone; all I can offer their young minds is a complicated lecture on why I’ve come, after a long path, to see doubt as the more correct and more humane position. But I’d never want them to give that lecture in school; I’d lay down the law if they even tried to debunk Santa there. But this little kid is promising Brian a great deal already, an escape from death for himself and those he loves, and goodness knows that the human mind can talk itself into a lot of varied and mutually exclusive beliefs for that comfort. The research on our coloring of experience alone is quite striking. So what, when faced with these pressures, will happen to our boys?

I don’t know. Such a worry simply comes with being a parent, I guess, along with many others, and I don’t mean to pose it as extraordinary.

I do know no missionary from any faith could turn my parents on us. In that case, it’s just the thought of the missionary’s goal and his complete disrespect for family (if the anatomy isn’t “right”) that makes me upset. But I know, in my teens, I wandered quite a bit from the positions of my parents, and they always encouraged my inquiry. I was everything from Baptist to Buddhist (1, 2); I was even LDS and could have been that missionary, arguing against my family at some point in my life. And I’m sure our boys will wander too… Looking back on it now, I have to admit, I want them to wander. It will hurt, but it’s one of those trials a parent shouldn’t stop (as I guess I already knew :-)).

Eh, and I’ll get over this combative mood too; I always do. All our neighbors and family here in Utah are great, and I’m close to sure none of them hope for us to split up our home. These border skirmishes, however, put me on edge. They start me wondering about when, not if, the local culture will want to intervene in our homes in ways more damaging than making us constitutionally unrecognized. Just the thought that such a huge organization in my state is sending people door to door saying such things about my home gives me chills.

Maybe, when this particular missionary gets married, I’ll go to his in-laws house and try to talk them into understanding how wrong his family is and that they should encourage his wife to leave him. Sure, I’d have little chance, but at least the returned attack might make me feel better ;-).

Not on a Writers Strike

No, I was just at a conference all last week. I'll not go into the details of the many power point slides I enjoyed/endured... oh, the exciting life of a science guy ;-). Maybe I'll write a post some time about writing for grants. Bait your breath.

It was fun though to, for the first time at one of these things, have my ego repeatedly stroked by folks addressing me as Doctor LAST-NAME-REDACTED, and nice to go to the social events and call everyone by their first name.

It was also interesting to listen to out of town colleagues talk about our great state. Seems Utah is a butt of jokes. Just before giving my presentation the room was going on about their trip to temple square and about the quaintness of our little city. I could literally see some of them blush when I took the podium and introduced myself as a local. It was one of those times I was happy to be assumed to be LDS again.

Oh Baby

It seems each day I lose another one. “Watum” is gone, and so is “orangen” along with “lellow”. But I just noticed we’ve lost my favorite one, sometime last week.

“Oh baby” is gone.

Here, I’ll use it in a sentence:

“Papa, can I have a banana? Oh baby I’ll have an apple instead.”

I really am sad to see these cute mistakes go. Curse their teachers :-).

At least Brian made up for it a bit by telling me next year for Halloween he wants to be FrankenEinstein.

I may steal that costume idea from him.

It's a Trap!

So I read this on MoHoHawaii’s blog, and it turned out to be a trap. Now I’m tagged and bound to answer some 56 odd questions. Here goes…

1. Taken a picture completely naked? No, while naked, I’ve never taken a picture.

2. Made out with a friend on your MySpace/Facebook page? What’s this “Facebook”? (Gee I’m getting old…) Regardless, I’ve only made out ("made out"? Is that what the kids say? ;-)) with one man and a handful of luckless girls.

3. Danced in front of your mirror naked? No, I don’t dance, regardless of my clothing.

4. Told a lie? Yes. In fact, this particular answer is a lie.

5. Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? Yes, attraction (and anger, indifference, and respect too) but never love, knock on wood.

6. Been arrested? Yes, for bank robb… I mean, um, no.

7. Made out with someone of the same sex? Uh…

8. Seen someone die? No.

9. Slept in until 5pm? Never, and if I ever seem to have slept in to 5pm don’t bother shaking me; you’ve likely just changed your answer to Question 8.

10. Had sex at work? No way; that’d be dangerous for all sorts of reasons. I won’t even eat in my workspace.

11. Fallen asleep at work/school? See #9.

12. Held a snake? Yes.

13. Run a red light? Yes, on my 1st week of driving.

14. Been suspended from school? No.

15. Totaled your car in an accident? No, it was my dad’s car and the other vehicle was a deer, a very big deer coming at me at 55 mph (by my favored point of reference). I think he was drunk, or something.

16. Pole danced? See #3. I can’t even manage a hula-hoop.

17. Smoked? No. Besides a drink about once a week now, I pretty much follow the Word of Wisdom.

18. Been fired from a job? No. I’ve left for my boss’s bigotry, though he never knew I was gay.

19. Sung karaoke? Yes, badly.

20. Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? I’m sure; this questionnaire, for example.

21. Laughed until a drink came out your nose? Yes.

22. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes.

23. Kissed in the rain? Yes, in all sorts of inclement weather.

24. Sung in the shower? Yes, badly, with reverb.

25. Given your private parts a nickname? None of your business, but no.

26. Ever gone out without underwear? Yes, I spent most of my youth on a swim team.

27. Sat on a roof top? Of course; I’ve stood there too.

28. Played chicken? In a car, no. In rhetoric, yes.

29. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No. Jumped in once to get my niece out, though. It’s one of those family stories that gets retold and retold.

30. Broken a bone? Never one that belonged to me, or my species.

31. Mooned/flashed someone? Sure, but only the one guy, and I eventually made an honest man out of him.

32. Shaved your head? No.

33. Slept naked? Again none of your business, but no, too distracting.

34. Played a prank on someone? Of course.

35. Had a gym membership? Yes, but now I workout at home where no one nags me about my “technique”. Dude, back off.

36. Felt like killing someone? Never to the point of planning. Yet. Okay, sure, I’ve been very angry before, but I don’t have much endurance in my temper. Thinking on it more though, if someone hurt or threatened my kids, I can see that dark ability in me.

37. Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? Yes, I had a poor string of girlfriends. Sorry.

38. Cried over someone you were in love with? Yes, I cry quite easily if I think too hard about my family. Heck, I even cry at the Return of the Jedi for the parent-child thing. When Darth Vader tells Luke he saved him, I just can’t contain myself.

39. Had sex more than 10 times in one day? Is that medically possible?

40. Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? No.

41. Been in a band? LOL yes. I was a keyboardist. We were called The Foxes and the Hounds and we played church dances mainly. There’s a tape of us hidden somewhere in my memorabilia; it’s of me singing Elvis’ All Shook Up. It will remain hidden.

42. Subscribed to Maxim? No, but I’ve received a free copy, in a doomed attempt at marketing.

43. Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol? I fear, for my drinking experience, ten shots of alcohol may as well be 10 shots of antifreeze.

44. Shot a gun? Please, I am a Utahn.

45. Had sex today? It’s pretty early in the day yet.

46. Played strip poker? No; Rob isn’t into card games. Maybe we could play strip scrabble? I bet there’s some rules for it already out there on the net.

47. Tripped on mushrooms? I’ve never encountered mushrooms tall or sturdy enough.

48. Donated Blood? I’ve tried to but was turned down because I’m gay. It pissed me off, really. By my sexual history, I’ve about as much chance of having an STD as a lesbian nun chess champion.

49. Video taped yourself having sex? No, but, if I did, I see my porn name would be Lucky Valentine. Cool, huh?

50. Eaten alligator meat? No. But the best cut of meat I’ve ever had was an ostrich fillet. Why is ostrich not at my local supermarket?!

51. Jumped out of an airplane? Nope.

52. Been to more than 10 countries? Does the Epcot Center count?... Yes, either way

53. Wanted to have sex with a platonic friend? Yes, once. It was funny though, after I came out and was dating Rob, this friend told me he had messed around with his gay roommate while in college. He’s a great platonic friend now and I’m just glad we didn’t explore his bisexuality when it could have really hurt me, once he was done experimenting.

54. Shaved yourself bare? No. Shaved my legs once for my swim team, though. How do you women do it?! It took forever and I was itchy for weeks.


55. Dressed in drag? No, but with the huge and glamorous closet my mom has... Well, I’ll just say it’s a waste of a drag gold mine that I’m not a transvestite. Alas.

BONUS: If you could be any celebrity for an entire week, who would it be and why? Oprah, because I’ve always wanted to know what it’d be like to be able to choke someone telekinetically. That, and I know Rob respects her a lot.

Okay, seriously. A whole week? Ummm…

Okay, I’d be Pat Robertson, and I’d spend the week as the biggest queeny flirt on a well-publicized cross country tour of gay bars.

Was that serious? Maybe not. Umm… I don’t know. I don’t want anyone else’s sex, celebrities aren’t really all that powerful, and what use is a grotesque pile of money for just a week? If it came with their abilities too, I suppose I’d pick an artist I like, like Beck or Thom York. Then I'd spend the week frantically creating what I never could otherwise. But if I could be a politician instead, I’d be whoever the US President is at the time, for the obvious reasons.

And now… Ah Ha!! You’ve been trapped too, and by reading this you are contractually obligated to answer these same questions.

All Saints Sugar Hangover

Hope you all had a good Halloween.

Ours was a lot of fun; the boys were really into it this year, much more than any other. They actually wanted this year, from the start, to put on a costume, go to a stranger’s door, and threaten them for candy. It used to take some encouragement.

We spent the holiday with a Jedi and a space alien:

First we went to our annual neighborhood potluck dinner. I know I've said this before, but I can’t say enough about how great our neighborhood is. We’ve been here well over a year now and everyone has been terrific to our family, from the kids to the adults. Even the guy who gives the cold shoulder to most of the other neighbors for their more liberal LDS lifestyles is warm and congenial to us (maybe he just had very low expectations, easily outdone ;-)).

Then we, of course, went trick-or-treating.

The alien got a little tired, though, and asked for a ride. It didn't help that his eyes kept fogging up either.

I complied, of course. He had a laser gun.

Now, how to manage the two piles of tooth-rotting candy sitting at home that, by it’s volume, could only be described as obscene? Maybe Rob and I should eat it before the kids get home from school… maybe just the chocolate, you know, for the kid’s health.

Nature, Red in Tooth and Claw with Matching Pumps

There was an article in the Salt Lake Tribune a couple days ago about gay worms. That’s not exactly the sort of creature you want getting press as gay, but hey, it’s local research.

“The researchers isolated the nerve cells responsible for sexual attraction in nematode worms, then "flipped" a genetic switch in the brains of female worms so they became attracted to other females.”

Of course nematodes ain’t humans, and expecting such a relatively simple genetic on/off switch for homosexuality for us would be a mistake.

Gaiety is, however, abundant throughout creation. I’ve collected research on everything from gay penguins to kangaroos, from dolphins to fruit flies, from mice to guppies (1,2). I’d be hard-pressed to think of a creature on this earth that does not have some measured occurrence of gaiety. In fact, some of our closest genetic relatives, the bonobos, are almost famous for their gay sexual activity.

Not only do we see same sex attraction in most every creature, we also know how to create it. We’ve made some species gay through genetic manipulation (3,4), others by hormone exposure (5-7), and even others by brain surgery on once straight mammals (8,9). I’d not, however, expect such research on humans to be forthcoming :-).

In all, it’s kind of surprising a study on worms even makes the news.

But I suppose it’s for a reason. There are still many folks who deny the existence of homosexuality outside of humanity, and others seem to ignore it in hopes of downplaying biological causes. The desire to do so is understandable. Biological causes feel more permanent to folks who hope to change us, though that’s certainly not the case; nurture or nature may both have permanent or malleable results. While such folks would rather blame, say, distant fathers or domineering mothers, I doubt near all these gay mammals, birds, insects, and marsupials were raised under such conditions :-) (I know I wasn't and I can't stand these tactics that aim to insult some great parents).

In all, and as I’ve said before in more detail, the causes of homosexuality must include at least one prime biological cause, and that is what such research on other creatures can possibly pin down for us. Such a cause is a necessary requirement, and no nurture or psychological cause that anyone may claim can be a sufficient cause. Simply, however we are created, there must first be a switch to flip and circuitry set there in the gay mind to cause the eventual feelings of with whom you are supposed to couple, just as it’s there to cause the feeling of, say, red.

Of course, I also know many in the gay community fear such research in both our species and in others, and, as stated in the Tribune article, it may become be a double edged sword. I know there’s interest in such research on gay livestock, if not to “cure” them, then to avoid purchasing or breeding for young animals that will eventually be found gay. I mean, what breeder wants a ram who’ll only be interested in rams (10), right?

Thank goodness, though, humans are so much more than a commodity, like livestock, or nematodes :-). Thank goodness life thrives off of its diversity, not merely in spite of it, and that human morality is becoming more and more about treating each individual as we’d want to be treated, rather than the tribalistic Darwinian arms race of our past. I’m pretty sure the day will come when we will be able to alter the biology of humans to the extent that we could change which sex we innately love, but I’m also pretty sure(/hopeful :-)) that, by that time, not very many people will care.

1. Bagemihl B. 1999. Biological exuberance. New York: St. Martin's Press.
2. Vasey P. L. 2002. Same-sex sexual partner preference in hormonally and neurologically unmanipulated animals. Annual Review of Sex Research 8:141-179.
3. Ryner L. C., S. F. Goodwin, D. H. Castrillon, A. Anand, A. Villella, B. S. Baker, J. C. Hall, B. J. Taylor, S. A. Wasserman. 1996. Control of male sexual behavior and sexual orientation in drosophila by the fruitless gene. Cell 87:1079-1089.
4. Kitamoto T. 2002. Conditional disruption of synaptic transmission induces male-male courtship behavior in drosophila. Proceedings of the National Acadamy of Science 99(20):13232-13237.
5. Woodson J. C., B. W. Balleine, R. A. Gorski. 2002. Sexual experience interacts with steroid exposure to shape the partner preferences of rats. Hormones and Behavior 42:148-157.
6. Baum M. J., M. S. Erskine, E. Kornberg, C. E. Weaver. 1990. Prenatal and neonatal testosterone exposure interact to affect differentiation of sexual behavior and partner preference in female ferrets. Behavioral Neuroscience 104(1):183-198.
7. Thompson R. R., F. L. Moore. 2003. The effects of sex steroids and vasotocin on behavioral responses to visual and olfactory sexual stimuli in ovariectomized female roughskin newts. Hormones and Behavior 44:311-318.
8. Kimchi T., J. Xu, C. Dulac. 2007. A functional circuit underlying male sexual behaviour in the female mouse brain. Nature 448(7157):1009-1014.
9. Paredes R. G., M. J. Baum. 1995. Altered sexual partner preference in male ferrets given excitotoxic lesions of the preoptic area/anterior hypothalamus. Journal of Neuroscience 15(10):6619-6630.
10. Roselli C. E., K. Larkin, J. A. Resko, J. N. Stellflug, F. Stormshak. 2003. The volume of a sexually dimorphic nucleus in the ovine medial preoptic area/anterior hypothalamus varies with sexual partner preference. Endocrinology 145(2):478-483.

Sudoku

Every morning I get up, make breakfast, feed the boys, and get them in the tub. While they splash and soak, Rob makes their lunch and I do the Sudoku puzzle from the Tribune. Yesterday, though, someone (ahem, Alan) got to it before I did:

I think I follow the rules a little bit better, but he said he wanted to be like Papa. :-)

Now if that didn't melt me (it did :-)), Brian gave me a replacement puzzle so that I could still do my morning ritual:

Super cute; they make each day a welcome surprise. I may, though, need some help solving Brian's puzzle. :-)

Though I know it’s long dead…

…I should get this off my chest.

Let me be clear. I am not a US Senator. I have never been a US Senator.

Sure, I was arrested for and pled guilty to attempted caucus with an undercover officer, but I didn’t do it. I just wanted the accusation to go away and thought saying I did it would help.

See, I just naturally have a wide political stance. I was not, in any way, attempting to create law with the cop. In fact, he approached me saying something like, “Hey dude, you wanna take a look at my school voucher proposal.” I refused and merely then reached down to pick up a piece of legal pad, which I thought was trash, and the guy claimed he saw me write statute on it. It was clearly entrapment, or something.

Anyway, I have been asked by gay command to resign my place as a gay man, and am seriously intending to do so, next month. Really. I just hope the rumors that I may be a closeted member of the legislative branch have not caused anguish in my community, or mortally wounded my reputation.

I mean, I’ve seen the polls; I know how the public feels about those kind of people (11% approval, ouch).

There, I feel better :-)… So another anti gay rights figure was found soliciting hot gay sex, allegedly (for both the “soliciting” and the “hot” part of that sentence… especially allegedly for the “hot” part).

Days after the story broke, a talk show host here was saying how nasty and hypocritical liberals were for claiming to be for gay rights, but then complaining about a Republican’s soliciting anonymous public sex in a place where families were travelling, allegedly. To him, the gays and their rights, they are all about the anonymous bathroom sex.

To be misunderstood in the minds of those out to legally harm your family can both discourage and encourage. I mean, unlike most political arguments, where there’s some nuance and complexity on both sides, you directly know the other side is up in the night, and there’s hope in the idea they may notice. They could take a second look if they found out that people like me--admitted, avowed, and confirmed--learned all about toe tapping and stall wall palming right along with the rest of the country.

Simply, such secret protocol wasn’t developed for or by my gay culture; we’ve no use or want for it. It was developed for and by your culture, Mr. talk show host, to help manage some of the more unfortunate folks hiding in your culture, not mine. We rarely even see these folks, unless they’re attacking us or until they stop treating their attraction as an addiction, but they are your religious leaders, business partners, and politicians, and they are making these sad compromises based on your rules.

(This same host once insulted my family and called me, personally, on air, a fruitcake during the Amendment 3 debate; so, sure, maybe I’m more heated than I should be here :-))

Anyway, it’s no wonder a man like Senator Larry Craig, who’s alleged actions would’ve only confirmed the most bigoted views of gay people, is also against equal rights. Sad that, and all too common in my state. Allegedly.

Done

I mentioned I was busy with some vague professional issue in addition to all the other stuff, but didn’t explain in full why it meant I should take a total break from blogging. Now that I’m done with the biggest project, aren’t out of town, or building a play ground, I can take a breath, and I guess I should write a bit in this blog, huh?

This may be a boring tale but hey; it's a blog. In short, a while ago I put my business on the back burner, and decided to go back to my PhD work.

I began my PhD with a good deal of enthusiasm for my career. I was all about science, my office was full of novel inventions, and depictions of data were my idea of a creative outlet. Okay, maybe I still get off on beautiful graphs and microscopy images; I’m queer that way. Point is, that was one of my main concerns in life, moving that boundary of ignorance by whatever fraction I could.

A couple things changed that.

Right away--I’m talking the first month of my PhD research--I discovered something quite unexpected and a bit exciting; something that I probably could have gotten into Nature or Science at the time. This may sound like a lucky break for an aspiring young candidate. Not even close. I was met with strong skepticism from the professionals in that field of study, and was not able to publish for it. I was just a student, and Protein X, by the current understanding of proteins like X, wasn’t supposed to do what I was reporting in my findings.

The reaction was strong enough that I began wondering if I was fooling myself. But after a lot of work, I could find nothing wrong with my analysis and neither could my advisor. I even developed a whole new and independent method of analyzing such data, just to get confirmation on the first method.

Now, I don’t want to come off as complaining. Science should be harsh to new ideas, even mine ;-). If they survive testing then that’s great; if they don’t then that’s great too. The goal should be truth, not proving a particular belief true, and so I’d not want to have rushed it. Nevertheless, if you’re a PhD candidate, my advice would be to, at the start, stick closer to the “known” realm of that border of knowledge than the “unknown” ;-).

In the last couple years all that changed. Firstly, I learned how to explain my methods in a way most folks in that slim area of study could best understand, and I learned from them what could be going on to cause Protein X to do what I was saying it did, and how to say it in their jargon (sadly, very important). We can’t all, of course, be experts in everything and these are the problems of interdisciplinary research.

But more importantly here, established and reputable researchers began publishing findings similar to mine on related proteins. Now it wasn’t just some PhD student; it was a good deal of literature saying that proteins like X can behave in the way I was reporting. Alas, now my findings aren’t near controversial.

Sure, I really wish I could have published before they all did, when I first had my findings. But that’s the way the culture of science goes, and it admittedly should work that way. In the end, my results survived and are now “good work.” It just sucks that having a success too soon could mean a delay :-).

Then there is the biggest reason things changed for me: our kids. When they were born, my career went from a source of pride to the thing I do for them, the thing I do until I can get home to see them. I don’t care to have my name on some equation anymore or to be the first to pin down a certain phenomena. Being a parent numbed the sting of the above resistance quite a bit, but it also numbed my urgency to force my findings through.

I simply got much more work done before they were born and stuff like walks around the neighborhood with them became a priority. Once they were here, I took months off to help Rob care for them. Then I started a company and focused on what that could get my family, with my PhD moving to the backburner.

Though I'd certainly not change a thing, it is something to keep in mind if you're thinking of having kids while climbing your particular ladder. Your career will take a back seat, save for where it helps them.

Anyway, I decided last spring that, with the new friendlier climate for my findings and the boys headed to kindergarten, I was going finish my PhD. I wrote a 200-something pain in my neck of a dissertation that I don’t care to reread ever again and sent it out to my committee. A couple days ago I stood in front of those five professors and defended my work. This was stressful, but much easier than I anticipated. When I was done they had me leave the room, whilst they did their secret doctorate chant or something. I was soon asked to come back in and was told I passed, and unanimously. I’m also pleased to say I didn’t have to make any changes to my dissertation. I kind of feel now like I put too much effort into the work and could have gotten away with what I had years ago, but hey. It’s done.

So that’s it. The rest is paperwork. Sort of anticlimactic :-).

Unfortunately, with this done, though, I can’t say I’m back to blogging. I still have to get the final version to the library and am in the midst of writing another proposal. In a way it seems free time will be less available now than it ever has been. At least as a “student” with my little company I had things I could put off, like my dissertation. Now most of the things I’ve got have deadlines :-).

Anyway, after some emails and nostalgia, I just wanted to explain my not being here a bit better and to share in the good news (If I had failed to pass I’d just have claimed to have been working on our sandbox for the past 3 months ;-)).

Once my carpal tunnel calms down I think I’ll write some of the posts I’d have written in last couple months. Man, I can’t believe I was absent for the whole Larry Craig thing!

Three Anniversaries and an Exit

Just got back… yes. Again. This one was for our anniversary. Hard to imagine it’s been 12 years since that day Rob and I made those bonds and public promises, but that’s what my intricate calculations come to, see: 2007 – 1995 = 12. Right? ;-)

Let’s see… Here we were (in non-matching, non-pink outfits, I'll have you notice):




About two years from there, we’d be buying our first home, in California, and in about five years more we’d be becoming parents and raising our boys back here in Utah.

In October we’ll have been together 15 years. 15 years. Gosh, I’m approaching the point where I’ll have been with Rob for more time than I’ve not. I’m sure together we already occupy far more real-estate in my memory than I alone could claim, and it can be quite tough now to remember what it was like to be in my shoes when he wasn’t next to them, to the point where I reflexively wonder if he ever wasn’t. I mean, not merely in some cute romantic realm, but, after so much time, it really does become impossible to draw a line between what is you and what isn’t without crossing over into your better half. In the end, you’d not have your form, be who you are, without their form; you’ve literally been made who you are for each other.

And man, those years go by so fast, particularly now, with children, ironically when you want them to slow down the most. Our boys are now five. FIVE! It boggles the mind.

They've gone from here:

(Doesn’t Alan, on the left there, look just a little bit like Montgomery Burns? But in a cute way... It’s the hands, right? "Excellent...") To here:
Somehow, at some point after their birth, weeks began ticking by as days once did. But I can’t put into words how happy I am to be able to look back and see where those years have gone, and what they’ve built. From that view, it’s clear what the time was for, what 15 and 5 amazing years can do, if not too quickly.

I best stop before I start leaking, as I’m apt to do on such a topic.

I’ve got some bad news too ;-).

I see it’s also nearing my blog anniversary, the 21st, but this, again, has become a very busy time in our life. Between work and play lately I just can’t keep up with this blog, and so, after a brief summer’s attempt to return, I’m out of here again. I wish there were more hours in the day, or that I didn’t like sleeping for 8 of them so darn much.

If only blogging meant merely writing a paragraph once a week or so for me, but, as anybody who’s read this blog for a while knows, I’m longwinded. I also easily pick up momentum and create post after post, and, aside from taking me out of town, it’s hard to stop me :-), particularly on topics about which I’m so passionate. Looking back, I’ve already past 200 posts in a year and everybody here knows it’s not just hours spent maintaining your blog. You get caught up in the blogs of others and that’s a whole other draw. I best take advantage of my recent interruptions.

In the end, between work and family (and circadian rhythms), I’m out of time, for now, and, though I enjoy blogging, I can’t think of anything else I’d want to or can rightly cut. I hope those who read my blog understand, because I do feel like a bit of a smuck (for going again … and for having to write another post saying I’m going again… and for the possibility that I’ll just come back again too soon and have to write another one… and for being bigheaded enough to imagine it’s anywhere near a responsibility to blog :-)).

Anyway, here’s to looking forward to more free time, eventually, maybe in the Fall… Winter?

Again, I’ll keep checking my email, for the random and welcome hello, point of clarification, question, angry letter in all caps, or Nigerian offer to make me great sums of money. Don’t count me blog-dead, please; just in another blog-coma.

Looking back at my last vacation I see I left some cliff hangers. Let me clear them up; I’d hate it if, say, Lost left any loose ends ;-).

So:

Yes the sand box was finished in time, and a trampoline was added too. When they get older I’m pretty sure they’ll be jumping from the elevated sandbox down onto the trampoline and then on to breaking their arm, but I survived as a kid, it has a net, and I was outvoted :-). The play fort, though, is going to have to wait for more moderate temperatures.

In a related story, and on an ominous note, we all slept out in our backyard, in a tent, not too long ago and found the next day that the coyotes have come back. Our dog freaked out in the middle of the night and we learned another dog was killed by them just down the street. Since then we’ve had numerous sightings. I guess the one who got our dog did have pups. They best not mess with Ultima, or I’ll have to chase them down with a flashlight again. I’m not above sequels.

No, Rob will not be taking the tainted government cash they give to gay couples for not being married. This is not because we adeptly reasoned some solution to that moral problem, no. It’s because he’ll not be going back to school at all. Though some extra income could be nice, it’s nothing we need and so he decided to remain as a full time stay-at-home parent, even when the kids are in school all day. I’m actually relieved on many fronts. He plans to volunteer at the school and for our favored charitable organization when there isn’t anything to be done at home. Yeah, I know. With kids, when is there nothing to be done at home, even with them in school all day? But he may need outside the home adult interaction and charity is great for the effect and for the fact that they typically let you choose your own hours :-).

And apparently, as I'm told, Brian has mastered the Jedi Mind Trick, but only on his parents and grandparents.

Seems that’s it… Ugg, the length of this post speaks to my reluctance to leave again, but…

Push the orange button; over and out.

In My Defense

It seems a rumor has been going about that I wear pink shirts, and not only that but matching pink shirts with my spouse. I have endured some ribbing on the matter and, granted, on the face of it, it would be a criminally cutesy offence, one I may not forgive myself if I witnessed it out in the wilds of Utah (and I have, at that).

But, let me assure the public that, if this event did occur, there would have been multiple extenuating circumstances that any kindhearted judge of my character should take into consideration:

1. The incident in question was an isolated incident, and one born from the confusion that comes when one’s spouse, mother, and cruise director team up in such a perfect storm. Simply, I was only following orders.

2. Due to the fact that we did not even own a pink shirt, a truth that may speak in my defense, we had to buy the shirts for the cruise. Thus, at the first pink shirts we found, we simply bought two. So what appear to be matching outfits are actually the product of manly shopping efficiency.

3. The pink shirts in question were purchased at Costco. ‘Nuff said.

4. Finally, not long after wearing them for the first time, both Alan’s and my pink shirt were ruined in a finger-painting accident (or maybe “accident”; you can’t prove anything).

Given the above, any just and compassionate human being could see the matching-pink-shirt incident was 100% innocent, and an anomaly of chance that will not happen again. I apologize to anyone who I’ve inadvertently harmed by such a display of grotesque cutesy apparel, and remain hopeful I'll have your vote in 2008.

The Remaining Days…

I want to wrap this travel log up and so I’ll cut through the rest of the trip.

Let’s see... Next we stopped at a private island, a sliver of land owned by Norwegian Cruise Lines. Here we could do all our ghastly anti-family stuff away from prying eyes, like beach volley ball, bbq’n, and snorkeling in the warm Caribbean waters.

Oh and look, here’s a picture I got of Rosie, our leader:

In that picture I think she’s saying something bad about Donald Trump or undermining our troops or something. Call me, Enquirer, if you want to buy the rights to the photo; I'm reasonable.

After the private island, we then headed back to New York. It's kind of sad to head home, but it took a couple days. And even at sea there’s a lot to do, from constant eating ;-) to the comedic entertainment (we had Sandra Bernhard, Judy Gold, Alec Mapa, and Jessica Kirson, hilarious). As one of the gayest things I've ever seen, one night we had the songs from Annie performed by the original Broadway Annie, Andrea McArdle, with Rosie as Miss Hannigan. I'm not saying if I enjoyed any bit of it.

My favorite event, one they always have towards the end of the cruise, is the Teen Panel. Here about 10 teens from gay or lesbian headed families on the ship put together a discussion panel, where they give their point of view on growing up in their family, discuss the ups and the downs, and take questions from all us nervous parents yet to hear our kid’s voice change. They are amazing kids, very congenial, smart, eloquent. Each year this event takes away a good deal of my worry for what’s ahead.

Let’s see… Then one night we all wore pink, it was in our gay cruise contract (it was one of the theme nights). I normally wouldn’t conform but you’d be surprised how having kids can make too cute seem reasonable.

ugg, Rob and I are even matching. :-)

Finally, I think I’ll end with this: a bit from my journal from the end of the trip, somewhat edited for web viewing. It pretty much sums up the week.

Today we are at sea and I was walking the ship as the kids napped. The cruise is almost over and I was just taking it all in again. The spirit on the ship is amazing. As I walked by the hall where all the photos are displayed, I almost began to tear up. So many beautiful children, families, and parents.

There’s the cute young couple I saw at disco night by the pool adeptly dancing, only like a gay man could, with their adorable bouncing toddler. There’s the lesbian mothers of 5 from Memphis. There’s that couple with their beautiful daughter who was the princess to our princes for fairytale night. There’s [Brian’s friend] and his sister with the most adorable smiles. So many beautiful families, wonderful children and parents, and couples. I know the ship is a business and they take these pictures because they want to charge us 20 bucks per print, but who cares? It’s about 25 yards of amazing families, most of whom have fought past some great obstacles, done what they knew was right in their life, and made it. What a beautiful sight.

After I passed that hall, I headed into a crowd of the same great families. There was a pack of middle school-aged friends playing on the elevators, parents with twin infants strapped to their chests, and kids skipping behind their family to dinner. I was overcome there by one of those amazing swells of love, where it just feels like the universe has taken you gently by the hand, or heart. It’s futile to describe such a feeling, I suppose; funny how some of the most capital-R Real feelings are those most difficult to put into words. Regardless, it was beautiful and comforting.

In looking at those families and thinking on all the people we’ve met and thinking on my boys sound asleep with their dad back in our too small room, it hit me so clearly. This is why I shouldn’t worry, why no politician or religious idea will hold up against our families, as long as we’re not taken back out of existence. It’s as plain as day.

The other side will have to come around or hurt the very thing they claim they’re defending. They can say all they want about what they think they know about God’s plan for our lives. They can construct as many elaborate arguments against our so-called non-ideal families as they want. It won’t ultimately stand up to the firm and beautiful fact. These families know why they were created, and why it’s right. Regardless of the hang-ups of others--sex, genetics, race, or disability--the simple truth of what makes a family and orientation is so clear here. And these families will all go home. They will all live their lives and their neighbors will see it and know what I know. If any families are meant to be, then these families are meant to be. If any marriages are deserving respect, equality, and defense, then these marriages are deserving. If any parents are important for their children and for society, then these parents are important too. Now, if only we could get every US citizen a ticket for the next cruise…
------------
Anyway, that concludes my cruise posts. I’ll leave it with this photo.

It’s Brian sound asleep as we pulled back into New York. That’s the Statue of Liberty in the background. It was a great trip.

Day 5, Bigots, Conch Fritters, and Key Lime Pie

Growing up gay in Utah, I’m no stranger to hostility from strangers. People there have called me names, spread generalizations and lies about my “lifestyle”, threatened my life, and worked hard up on our capital hill to make living in our home state difficult for my family and to be sure we would have fewer rights than they enjoy. I’m also no stranger for such hostility to be done with a frustrating and self-aggrandizing veneer of religious “love,” in the comfortable belief that they are acting on behalf of God. Heck, I’m pretty used to it, maybe so much so that I’ve come to see it as less malevolent than I should.

My point is we woke up in Key West today. We weren’t supposed to. We were supposed to wake up in Bermuda. But we aren’t in Bermuda because a host of churches were planning to meet our families at the port with protest.

We weren’t on the first rfamily cruise, but on that cruise they visited Nassau, in the Bahamas, and were met with this sort of treatment. It was the typical anti-gay protest by the accounts of those who were there: yelling, calling us names, and holding up grammatically questionable signs with insults purportedly from God. All this was done for a bunch of families just wanting to relax and visit their island and maybe buy a coupe t-shirts. I guess about ten times the number of churches that had done so in Nassau had threatened our cruise in Bermuda, and so the owners of rfamily decided to divert us to Key West.

Now, we’ve been to about 10 ports on rfamily cruises, and each one has been very welcoming. Heck, in Juno, not only were we not met by protesters, we were met by a surprisingly large group of friendly supporters. In fact, all through our Alaska trip the gay flags were waving in town, and the same, of course, goes for the North East. But we were about to hit a hostile port today and instead changed course.

I don’t know how I feel about this. I don’t like the idea that we ran, that we didn’t just go where we were scheduled to go, because of such people. Nothing for the better was changed for the people of Bermuda, gay and straight, by our caving into their bully. It made the news and despite their government's appreciated effort to bring us to their island, Bermuda is now unfairly anti-gay in many minds. Furthermore, our children were not given the opportunity to learn a valuable lesson in dealing with such. I don’t want to teach them to change their plans to avoid upsetting people who have no moral business being upset about their family.

On the other hand, these people are obsessed enough to protest families on vacation, and it’s our children. I’m used to it, but they are not, and I reflexively want to spare them from seeing that hostility, and from feeling how it felt when I first experienced it. Now we live where everyone in our lives is great. Our boys have no idea about the controversy in the minds of strangers. But to get off our ship and to see all those angry faces yelling slurs at us and the families of their friends… That’s a scenario the protective side of parenting wants to avoid, even though I know it would be a good learning opportunity and possibly a chance to avoid more pain in the long run. I just don’t know; it’s short term relief and long term regret that about equal out. Thankfully, the choice was far from mine and so I can just complain either way :-).

Anyway, today we split up. Given a choice, and after our descriptions, Alan was set on going kayaking and Brian was set against it. We actually like to split them up about once a week anyway; we’ve found, though they play well together and get along, they also like the one on one time. So Rob and Alan went off to paddle through the mandrake groves of the keys. They saw turtles, sharks, and many other bits of sea life. It was right down Alan’s alley.

Brian went with me and the grandparents, on the more tame Key West experience.

A local GLBT group was handing out those sun glasses to our kids for free as we got off the ship. Nice of them, huh?

Brian endured a tour of the city well, by sleeping through it (he has little interest in the architectural influences on Hemingway's home, I guess). But after that we visited the aquarium where we saw all the stuff Alan and Rob did, but in a more tame environment. He loved it. We also visited the wreaking museum, which was surprisingly interesting to him as well.

After that we met up for a lunch consisting of conch fritters and the most delicious key lime pie I’ve ever had. It was another wonderful day, and being diverted from Bermuda was easily forgotten, until writing this ;-).

Oh, and when we got back to the ship, Rob and Alan got matching tattoos. They're tough that way, for the kayaking I guess ;-).

Alan, got to pick the tat... a dinosaur, of course.

Day 4, The Mouse, I'm Out, and A Gay 80's Band

In Florida's air there’s apparently no room for one’s pitiful attempts at evaporative cooling. Today we woke up in Port Canaveral. It was in the high 90’s F, but not the sort of high 90’s we ever have back home.

I did my best to talk my family into visiting the space center--the air conditioned space center--but Disney World was just too close. So we boarded a Disney-bound bus full of kids and, somewhat surprisingly, a good percentage of the New York Gay Men’s Chorus, the main contingent of single men on the cruise… I’d have picked the space center, if in their shoes. I’m just say’n.

That’s us. And yes, we were pestered the whole time by those glowing fairies; the magic kingdom has quite an infestation and they ruined almost every picture.

Anyway, we had a wonderful time, as anyone with twin kindergarteners at Disney World would, despite the crushing heat. Stay away from the Lilo and Stitch “ride,” though, unless you’d like to be trapped in the dark with a halitosis sufferer on your lap.

Err.. . Okay, I’ve been wanting to get over my unwillingness to shown our faces, and I was just about to edit them out of another photo. But why? We have already had our faces in an eye much more public and widespread than this blog will ever be, and, if there is one, I’m sure we’re already on the enemies list ;-). Furthermore, this blog is going more personal anyway.

So this point is where facelessness ends (I'll keep the above photo as is as I like the idea of gay men being bothered by fairies).

Maybe it’s an odd choice for the first showing, but I love the picture, even though it shows us all haggard (and with Rob missing, taking the photo). I think it captures the essence of the end of a humid day at Disney World well (and yes our boys need haircuts, but we're waiting until the swimming lessons are over; fresh start):
Yeah, the skull… I’ll simply warn: never but in front of us in an hour plus line with near 100 degree temperatures and 100% humidity.

Once back on the ship we put the kids to bed with the grandparents in charge and went to that night’s entertainment, an Erasure concert. I again wonder if other cruises are generally like this, but we seem to get some pretty good shows for a cruise ship. Not that Erasure is big anymore, or that I’m a huge fan, but they were big when I was a teen, particularly for gay men, and it was fun to go to their concert, just a minuet’s walk from our room. On past cruises we’ve had Melissa Etheridge, and Cindy Lauper (you wouldn’t guess it, but she plays a mean dulcimer), and I’m sure I’m forgetting someone. It just seem rfamily does well for entertainment.

Reunion

I just got back from another trip, and want to take a break from my cruise posts for this one.

Rob came from a very conservative, very LDS, small town in the rurals of Utah. The boat we were on last week carries a larger population. So when he said he wanted to go to his class reunion this year, I half thought he was joking.

Ten years ago we didn’t attend because he wasn’t invited. The organizer called Rob to get the contact information of some of his classmates, but he never sent him an invitation. Once Rob asked for the information they had had the reunion over, and the organizer actually told him that he didn’t know how to reach us… Yes, after contacting Rob months before for the numbers of others.

Now, Rob was a popular kid. Heck, he was prom king, a fact I never tire of advertising. But none of his LDS friends (the great majority of his friends) took his being gay well, though a couple have come around today. In fact, my friends became Rob’s after we got together and we only saw his periodically; many just ended their relationship at the news.

Anyway, Rob wasn’t joking; he wanted to go to his reunion this year. He had begun reconnecting with some of them, via email, and he wanted to see them. And we were invited this time; the new committee was headed by a friend and not the same bigot who couldn’t even own up to his own “values” ten years ago.

I was nervous, but I wanted to go with him too. I wanted to have the experience, to hear about the Rob I never knew, to just stand there next to him for it. So, as I’d been joking for months before, we checked our life insurance policy for coverage of lynching and headed off for his reunion a couple days ago.

When we left, I had a bad cold. 1 week on a ship + 700 children = 1 bad cold for me, and every year. I wasn’t sick enough to be in bed though. Then, the day we got there we went 4-wheeling with Rob’s parents and had a great time, but I ended up with a couple red splotches on me from mosquitoes and horse flies. So I was basically going to walk into his reunion noticeably sick, and with red spots… I kept thinking they’d be sure I was suffering the consequences of our lewd and lawless lifestyle ;-). Add to that that I still had my sea legs from the ship, meaning I was losing my balance at random, and they’d probably think I came drunk as well.

It wasn’t looking good for me and then it got worse. Alan suddenly developed the fever Brian caught on the ship, of course. Long-story-short, I spent the day of Rob’s reunion in a hotel room, watching Animal Planet with Alan, trying to break his fever, while Rob and Brian went to the events. At least Rob’s classmates didn’t have to see Rob’s diseased and stone drunk “friend” :-).

I was kind of let down, but, as things stood, I was much more worried about the Tylenol/Motrin schedule. You hate it when your kid is sick, particularly when you’re handicapped too, but Alan and I had an okay lazy day together.

For Rob, it seems it was a mixed bag. There was a whole day of events tied in with Pioneer Day celebrations. Rob and Brian had a fun time riding in the parade, but he noticed some nudging, pointing, dirty looks. Some folks came up, talked to him, and asked about Alan and me. Some of them were people he never thought would do so. Sill, others gave a very pointedly cold shoulder. One woman involved in PFLAG there came up and told Rob that we are talked about often and fondly by many in that town and the surrounding towns. She was saying our family is discussed often by gay kids and their parents in the area, and she made Rob feel quite appreciated for coming. On the other hand, Rob found that someone had removed his picture from the high school plaque commemorating his class. Mixed bag.

All in all though, I'd say a mixed bag, with nothing worse than anonymous vandalism and cold shoulders, is quite a remarkable indication of positive change.

At the actual reunion dinner, it was pretty much the same thing. Rob was mainly in the company of his female friends, who could hang around him without catching the gay ;-). Though, he was pretty sure more of his male friends would have wanted to catch up, if not for the appearances, which are very and practically important in such a town, I gather. Some talked to him; some didn’t.

In all, he had a good time and will go to the next one (and I hope Alan and I will too). He didn’t care much about the negative. That’s one reason I love him, but let me give an example of why I married him. The first thing he told me about when he got back was not all the concerns I had, not about who was nice to him and who wouldn’t look at him. It was not all the reunion crap about who does what and who looks like what. The first thing he told me about his reunion was how happy he was to finally tell a girl, who he and his group of fiends had treated badly in high school, that he was very sorry, face to face. That was the highlight of his reunion.

I’m a lucky man.

Day 2, At Sea With Rosie

In the morning, we boarded the boat, got settled, and headed to the upper deck to watch us float past the cityscape. It was unsettling to again notice the space where the towers once stood, but just a turn of the head and one could see the statue of liberty. Beautiful.

Just as we were passing Manhattan by we found a friend from last year. He has kids about our children’s age and they were all thrilled to see each other again. Brian talked about them all last year.

(One of those kids is ours :-))

I wonder now if many cruises are like this--the non-rfamily cruises I’ve been on were not--but every evening there’s a theme. This evening it was “State Fair”. Now, BC (Before Children) I’d refuse to participate in anything like this, but if my kids and Rob are all going to be dressed the same then I’ll conform too, just with protest slight enough that I know I’ll lose. So we all put on our Utah gear and headed to the BBQ.

Again, it’s amazing how many different states and countries were represented there, though most people were from around New York, of course.

Finally, I’m not really a big fan of Rosie O’Donnel. To me, she’s kind of like, say, the omelet of celebrities. I don’t have anything against omelets. I can enjoy them if it’s what’s for breakfast and I can see why some like them and some don’t, but I’ve no strong feelings and would never order one for my self. That’s right; Rosie O’Donnel = omelet… [sigh] It’s early. Simply, I appreciate what her family has done in putting on this cruise, I know she’s entertaining and I respect her talents but they just don’t resonate with my innate tastes. Furthermore, she is more of the bad cop sort of gay activist, and, as I’ve said, I can certainly see their great contributions, but their methods just rub me the wrong way. So sue me, Gay Mafia.

Rob on the other hand, I fear the only person for whom he might leave me would be Rosie. Could you imagine the tabloids? “Avowed Lesbian Rosie O’Donnell Wrecks Gay Man’s Family, Film at 11” He reads her blog as habit and writes in periodically.

Anyway, she MC’s most of the entertainment on the ship. The first night they put on some Broadway show. I’m not into such singing and so I stayed for her opening act and a couple numbers by some famous Broadway singers (I think), but when one of the boys had to go pee, I graciously “sacrificed” and took him back to the room.

Point is, I unexpectedly learned a lesson in PR and spin that night. Rosie made a couple jokes about her fight with Donald Trump and Hasselbeck. It would be difficult to care any less for such conflict, and it went by as just a couple small jokes in her set, but what followed was interesting. At port we talked to my sister and found out that some one in the audience had video taped the performance and sent it in to the media; it was even on the O’Reilly factor. We had a traitor on board :-).

I’m not going to list all the false facts and mischaracterizations I’ve found in searching “news” items about what happened on stage that night. I feel guilty to even search for it. It’s just seems so silly all around. But it is amazing to see how the media gets it wrong, even when they have video, and always in the direction of the more sensational (As I guess I knew already with our own experiences, here). It was also annoying that the whole event can be spun in some minds into a negative light for a couple jokes by one person in a 90 minute show for a week long cruise. I mean, one that got me riled was something like “Gay Cruise Becomes Anti-Hasselbeck Brainwashing Session”. We were all way too busy going to our on board workshops on converting heterosexuals, eroding societies, and sabotaging apple pies to worry about celebrity fights.

Great, now I feel stupid for even bringing it up.

Day 1, New York and Outings

(The next couple posts will be a bit of journal entries along with my take on the day from the time I'm writing this; forgive me if I mess the tense up)

Not much to tell on this day. We went to Time Square, which meant that we had to go to the huge Toys R Us there. After the Farris wheel, the boys got to pick out “any toy in the place” (no worries, I know their tastes and was not at risk of spending over 50 bucks… as long as I could keep Brian away from noticing the electronics; he’s just like his pop :-)).

Alan was fascinated by the animatronic dinosaur. He couldn’t quite decide if it was real or not and I was not about to stop his deliberation. He was pretty sure it wasn’t real, as we’ve had the extinct conversation many times… still, he didn’t want me to get too close.

At dinner grandma, as she often does, outed us all to the restaurant. This is really no big deal to us anymore, particularly in a friendly place like New York, but it was once a bother. I mean it goes something like:

Waiter: "Hi, my name is John and I’ll be your waiter. What would you like to drink?"

Mom: "My son here is gay and I'll have a Diet Coke..."

Okay, maybe there's more of an opening for her to bring it up, but not much ;-).

Rob and I kind of like to only out ourselves if it comes up naturally in conversation, as any other person would, but I do get a kick out of how out of their way my parents sometimes go to express their love and support. If it’s my dad he may commonly add something like: “and if you’ve a problem with gays then you’ve got a problem with me.” I don’t think many expect such from people in their seventies. Gotta love’em.

As we were leaving, the waiter came up and told us how he’d worked on the same cruise ship line. He told us how much the staff he knew loved the rfamily cruises, and said they found the passengers to be abnormally polite… maybe he says that to all the cruises :-).

My Kind of Gay Cruising

So when I said I was taking the summer off from blogging I didn’t really give the other reason beyond work and playground construction. We’ve been out of town a lot and the paranoia in me doesn’t want to advertize being away from home on the net. But yeah, I’ve been on the move for quite a while; please forgive my lack of response to email.

We just returned from our yearly rfamily vacation. For those who don’t know, it’s a cruise organized by a company owned by Kellie O’Donnell (Rosie O'Donnell’s wife), and it’s meant to be a vacation where families headed by GLBT parents can relax without the likelihood of their family makeup being an issue.

This is our third time on one of these cruises. With them, we’ve walked a fishing village in Halifax, panned for gold in Skagway, toured historic Boston, watched glaciers calve just out of Juno, and much more. In all, we’ve spent almost a month of our lives on these vacations and have loved the experience.

I’ll get into what we did this year later on. I was going to blog on ship but didn’t want to take time from our busy relaxing to do so or even open the laptop I lugged around all week, so I’ll copy and share some journal entries later.

In general and simply though, it’s a wonderful experience each year. The ship has been the same design each year and it sells out at about 3,000 passengers. Between 600 and 800 of those are children, depending upon the year, and so you can imagine the atmosphere. Add to that about the same number of gay or lesbian parents and the rest are straight friends and family, most of them grandparents (we’ve taken my parents every year). On this cruise though, there were many more young gay couples, without children. I suppose most of them wanted to go on a gay cruise but not a Gay Cruise... I’ve been on regular cruises before and these rfamily affairs are more family oriented and tame by a good distance than even the straight counterparts I've seen. Heck, we’ve all got to be to bed by 9 ;-).

The kids simply love it and talk about the “big ship” all year. We weren’t going to go this year but they talked us into it and it’s easy to see why. We basically play all day. Off ship we go on some adventure and on ship they swim or play with the other children all over this vast floating city.

They’ve made some really good friends over the years too. Our boys haven’t yet figured out there’s any social issue surrounding our family and have yet to really say or ask anything significant about it, but I’m sure some questions and hurdles are coming, eventually. We have been careful to have friends for them around with all sorts of family structures here in Utah, and I’m glad they are forging the social connections they are on these cruises, just in case.

And, sure, we love it too. Aside from the travel, we’ve made some really good friends as well. The ship is full of family focused gays and lesbians and it’s hard not to find that common thread in our experiences and goals that leads to easy conversation and on to welcomed friendships. We have been very fortunate to get to know some of the folks we’ve met, and look forward to the opportunities to get together in between cruises despite the fact we live all over the world (the map below shows just the US guests but over 50 countries were represented). Once one becomes a parent, it becomes much more difficult to find people you’d want to bring into your, and therefore your children’s lives as family friends, but not on this cruise; the people are, in general, amazing.

I think I’ll spend the next couple posts going over our trip this year. I fear I’m becoming too accustomed to not blogging lately (I forgot my password there for a while!) and I best pump up my post count ;-).