After many long hours of investigative journalism, which involved much running from a one-armed albino man in black (who smoked), I’ve come to discover the truth behind our military’s so called gay bomb. I've come to possess a super secret file, one that came directly from Rufus Wainwright's spy network by feeding his new album backwards into a 5th order cryptocognonial function. The file contained this exclusive photographic evidence of the prototype gay bomb, the “Q-33R Intercontinental Gayifier”:
My colleagues and I here at the Fraternal Association of Gay Scientists believe this missile is based loosely on the Trident II, though significant alterations are apparent. For instance, take a look at the midsection of the missile. Clearly, a disco ball has been attached, a cleaver choice to coax out the inner gay, to be sure; but what may not be so obvious is the Kevlar-reinforced feather boa securing the disco ball to the missile. That baby ain’t coming off, and it just screams “Fabulous!!”
Also, it is clear this missile is launched from water. One must assume the Navy has taken the lead role in this new gay weapon (From my friends who've been in the Marines and the Army, I'm told this was to be expected).
Not apparent by the evidence we have is whether or not the missile has been outfitted with a really kick’n sound system. But the use of a disco ball does suggest the missile may also be able to project bad techno beyond enemy lines.
In a blood stained copy of a US military internal memo that accompanied the liner notes of the Rufus CD, I’ve discovered a number of additional intriguing details. Regarding the main warhead, we have come to believe it is likely composed of a dangerous mixture of shredded Abercrombie and Finch catalogs, styling gel, and Barbara Streisand sweat, as a catalyst. This sweat, we believe, was collected during one of her many remarkable costume changes at a San Francisco show she put on just after watching Steel Magnolias for the very first time!
Furthermore, as the so-called gay bomb flies towards its target, it continually drops handwritten letters, ostensible from a soldier’s father, explaining why the soldier has been a complete disappointment as a man and expressing a desire to become emotionally unavailable, while at the same time suggesting the soldier go shopping with his mother. Lastly, it appears, as a next iteration in the design, a sort of cluster bomb technology will be employed. Once above the target the warhead will produce hundreds of guided projectiles. Much of the report I’m reading from is heavily redacted, but it seems these projectiles seek out and destroy any and all basket balls, footballs, and hockey pucks within a 3.4 mile radius. Oddly enough though, they specifically avoid all wrestling and men’s gymnastics equipment.
Yes, devious, and yet so very obvious! I fear we have to conclude NARTH is working in conjunction with the Defense Department on this one. (Why can’t I get such grants?!)
Anyway, God save us all if one of these goes off in the heartland of America. I just hope I’ve done my part to shed light on this ingenious scheme. I also hope we can bring such offensive and inhumane weaponry it to a stop and start blowing people up again. I mean, not even I, a gay man, would want to be the soldier who tries to take a bunch of horney men captive after one of these goes off in the sweaty, filthy, enemy trench across the battlefield. I hate being hit on and to even see the results of a gay bomb could possibly violate the Geneva Conventions for many of our own fine soldiers.
(okay, sure, I’m on blog-break and there were better things I should’ve been doing with my time, but some things are so important they can’t be left unexpressed :-))