Sunday, January 14, 2007

Important Announcement

After long, serious discussion with my family and thoughtful consideration, I’ve decided to make an announcement, and I am humbled and honored to be given this forum to do so. That said, I am hereby announcing my candidacy for the presidency of the United States of America.

I know, so unexpected, but I think the time is right; the country is ready.

Please, please put down your pens; put away those checkbooks; I’ll not be asking for your donations. No doubt I’ll win on my grassroots appeal alone. But I do hope I can count on some of you to be in my cabinet; heck, I don’t even yet have a vice president. Sure I’ve got some folks in mind for particular positions, but I’d rather not say. With something this important I’d certainly start a struggle for power…

But don’t you dare try to run against me. I’m already working on attack ads… Just one example:

Scary deep-voiced announcer guy:
“L says he’s pro family. Why then does he go online and write about sexual orientation?”

Random woman on the street:
“I thought I could trust L, but is that even his real name? If I don’t know his real name how can I know he’ll protect our children?”

Random man on the street:
“I thought L would care about the baby proboscis monkeys going hungry in the zoos of Bulgaria. But why hasn’t he come out opposed to baby proboscis monkeys going hungry in the zoos of Bulgaria? No, I’m sticking with Scot, at least we know where he stands on proboscis monkeys.”

[Cue black-and-white skewed image of L’s avatar; music in minor chord]

Scary deep-voiced announcer guy:
“L, wrong on protecting children, wrong on hungry baby proboscis monkeys, wrong for America. Vote Scot (um, yeah, just Scot); Scot puts America first

Scot [in front of fireplace with children by side; no R though (that didn’t test well)]:
“Hi, I’m Scot, and I endorse this message”

Quick-talking deep-voiced announcer guy:
“Paid for by The People for a Great, Moral, and Great America, the Sinister Cabal of Queer Agenda Pushers, and Ordinary Citizens United For President Scot

And that’s just one example; I’ve them working on all my potential opponents.

Simply, join my presidency of benevolent bipartisanship cooperation or suffer the dire consequences, the consequences of, I suppose, homopartisanship. And, of course: [maniacal laughter]

And I hope I can count on you support.

(Clearly I'm in no mood for intricate topics this weekend :-))


-L- said...

Just knowing I qualified as a de facto "potential opponent" is enough to make me feel very proud. Proud to send random women in the street into concerned apprehension. Proud to have no explicit position on baby proboscis monkeys (and it will stay that way until I've thoroughly worked out the relevant policy!). Proud to think I really like (even love? if R won't punch me) Scot even though we are so amazingly similar and different simultaneously.

But, no, I cannot run for president against Scot. Scot is far too charismatic and good looking for me to ever dream of contending against him in such a way.

Good luck, Scot.

Scot said...

Hey, it was the most reasonable expectation of another candidacy; you’re the guy I debate most nowadays :-). But I do look to debate people I respect, and I’d rather have opponents that aren’t opponents, people I’d like to know. I hope you know I feel the same, and regret it when our conversations get heavy; I needed a break here ;-).

Would you be my vice president then? Secretary of Health and Human Services? ;-)

Finally, I’ll not debate my good looks, who could? But charismatic? You’ve never seen me speak in public. You may have dropped out of the race too soon :-).

Loyalist (with defects) said...

Might i suggest that there is now screaming into microphones at rally. :-)

Loyalist (with defects) said...

i should really proof my typing before publishing. :-)

I ment to say "no screaming into microphones". in reference to the DNC chairman's tactics. It didn't do him any favors and he is now considered a political bafoon. not a place to be.

If i recall correctly, I believe that L also return his library book past the due date. I can see the nasty infomercials regarding that too. :-D

Chris said...

I don't think either of you is old enough to run for president, so get over it.

I, on the other hand, am 35.

Loyalist (with defects) said...

Since i cant be president - as i wasn't born here i would be willing to play the "Rove" part. I like the power behind the throne anyway.

Scot said...

Curses, Chris has discovered my one weakness. Should the plans I’ve already set in motion to amend the constitution by the end of next week fall through, I hereby announce my candidacy for the 2012 presidential race.

And great! Loyalist can get “book-gate” up and spinning. I can see it now:

Frail Old Librarian, Woman:
“L says he’s pro-education, so why is he robbing our libraries of needed books?”

That’s right, uh-huh; don’t mess with this awesome political force of nature.

Chris said...

My older daughter recently asked me how old you have to be to be president. When I told her 35, she lit up, raised her eyebrows and said, "That's great, Dad! You should do it!"

-L- said...


If the librarian ads don't fully do the trick, you could also probably enlist the music and entertainment industry to highlight some of my past indiscretions in, ahem, "backing up" media.