Incompetent Gay

Do you sometimes feel like, being gay, you just can’t live up to the expectations? People expect you to have certain abilities, knowledge, and social uses that you just can’t fulfill. I’ve never been blessed much with what some see as the associated skills of being gay, and when people assume I’ll meet such expectations, I rarely meet their mark. So, to be clear:

-I know nothing about and own no moisturizers, or scents. Don’t ask me about them. On trips, my toiletry bag includes deodorant, toothpaste, and a toothbrush… if I’m lucky.

-Same goes for hair care products. It takes, literally, 5 seconds to do my hair and it’s done while walking from the shower to the closet.

-I’m absolutely unskilled and inexperienced at “partying”. I like sitting around the diner table chatting with friends. I’ll enjoy a good board or card game, but, please, don’t expect too much in the way of what gays do on Queer As Folk. I’ll not be the wild, carefree life of the party, but, if you want a friendly designated driver, I’m your man. In fact, I’ve only been drunk enough to feel it the next day twice, ever, once after a dinner with my dad, and the other time after a night out with my brother. With the small amount I do imbibe, it takes very little to make me sick, and only those two bad influences in my rather large family seem to have enough sway on me ;-).

-No, I don’t know how to dance, except to make my kids laugh. I can show you how to do that.

-Don’t expect me to know much about the exciting gay nightlife in my city. I’ve no pointers towards fun clubs or anything like that. I know very little and what little I do know is from long ago. I’ve been in a bar fewer than once per year of my life, I’m sure.

The last time was a gay bar, though, about 6 years ago, in New Orleans on a trip with my extended family… R and I wondered through bead-greedy uninhibited women down Bourbon Street. The bar at the end of the street was a gay bar, and we did go in to see what it was like... and got out of there very quickly. It was very much like the rest of Bourbon Street... but, uh, gayer? Anyway, a stranger grabbed me (or part of me), and quite inappropriately, and within the first ten minuets! Sure, it gave us a good laugh, but I don’t think we’ll be going back to that town :-).

But, the time before that, I think, the bar was an erotic dance club, when I was in my early twenties. Does that sound scandalous? Like the seedy depths of the gay lifestyle?

:-) But, no. It was that hetero strip club on State Street. I think that should more than negate the gay bar in New Orleans. I went with a couple of buddies to cheer one of them up after a hard breakup; they got quite a kick out of my gay oil in their straight water. It was also an academic curiosity (probably the only time that excuse has been true). I left doubly gay, and sure I’d never go back there either... or look at paper currency the same way ever again, for that matter.

-I can’t stand shopping (unless it’s for electronics); don’t ask me to go; you’ll be sorry. I have, in fact, been told by numerous people that I somehow--perhaps supernaturally--sap the will to shop out of others by merely my proximity to them. Just save the frustration and don’t suggest I come with you; I might say yes. I don’t mean to have this superpower; it’s more of an ironic gay curse I have :-).

-I’ve no idea about fashion, designers, or models. Don’t ask me about it. I’ll steer you wrong, and maybe just for the amusement and to teach you a lesson about generalizing :-). I don’t think I’ve even bought an item of clothing for myself for years, save jeans to replace those worn through. I’ve only 4 pairs of shoes, in fact, half of them from Costco, and the other half taken from R. I guess I do live off of R’s purchases and judgment just fine (Wow, thinking on it, if I wasn’t gay, I’d be near naked :-)).

-I know little about stereotypical "gay" music. I can’t get into Madonna, Cher, techno, “Babs” or show tunes. I’m sorry; I tired. My musical tastes are elsewhere. In fact, I sat next to Liza Minelli once, and didn’t even notice until R told me.

-I’m pretty useless when it comes to literature and poetry as well. And don’t expect a compelling art critique when you ask my opinion of your painting. Sure, I like it, but I just don’t have the vocabulary to describe such skill exactly, and the jargon I do have, from my work, is wholly inappropriate for art ;-).

Okay, that’s all that comes to mind. Simply, I’m a limited gay. If anyone wants to engage me in the areas where my interests, such as my family and science, intersect gayety, I think I can do an okay job there. But otherwise, I’m a pretty incompetent gay. Don’t expect too much, and don't tell anyone in our elected leadership; I don't want my membership benefits revoked.

In other news: A blueberry, raspberry, and tulip later, and I'm refilled on images.

And I hope you all have a great weekend.