Thursday, March 01, 2007

Incompetent Gay

Do you sometimes feel like, being gay, you just can’t live up to the expectations? People expect you to have certain abilities, knowledge, and social uses that you just can’t fulfill. I’ve never been blessed much with what some see as the associated skills of being gay, and when people assume I’ll meet such expectations, I rarely meet their mark. So, to be clear:

-I know nothing about and own no moisturizers, or scents. Don’t ask me about them. On trips, my toiletry bag includes deodorant, toothpaste, and a toothbrush… if I’m lucky.

-Same goes for hair care products. It takes, literally, 5 seconds to do my hair and it’s done while walking from the shower to the closet.

-I’m absolutely unskilled and inexperienced at “partying”. I like sitting around the diner table chatting with friends. I’ll enjoy a good board or card game, but, please, don’t expect too much in the way of what gays do on Queer As Folk. I’ll not be the wild, carefree life of the party, but, if you want a friendly designated driver, I’m your man. In fact, I’ve only been drunk enough to feel it the next day twice, ever, once after a dinner with my dad, and the other time after a night out with my brother. With the small amount I do imbibe, it takes very little to make me sick, and only those two bad influences in my rather large family seem to have enough sway on me ;-).

-No, I don’t know how to dance, except to make my kids laugh. I can show you how to do that.

-Don’t expect me to know much about the exciting gay nightlife in my city. I’ve no pointers towards fun clubs or anything like that. I know very little and what little I do know is from long ago. I’ve been in a bar fewer than once per year of my life, I’m sure.

The last time was a gay bar, though, about 6 years ago, in New Orleans on a trip with my extended family… R and I wondered through bead-greedy uninhibited women down Bourbon Street. The bar at the end of the street was a gay bar, and we did go in to see what it was like... and got out of there very quickly. It was very much like the rest of Bourbon Street... but, uh, gayer? Anyway, a stranger grabbed me (or part of me), and quite inappropriately, and within the first ten minuets! Sure, it gave us a good laugh, but I don’t think we’ll be going back to that town :-).

But, the time before that, I think, the bar was an erotic dance club, when I was in my early twenties. Does that sound scandalous? Like the seedy depths of the gay lifestyle?

:-) But, no. It was that hetero strip club on State Street. I think that should more than negate the gay bar in New Orleans. I went with a couple of buddies to cheer one of them up after a hard breakup; they got quite a kick out of my gay oil in their straight water. It was also an academic curiosity (probably the only time that excuse has been true). I left doubly gay, and sure I’d never go back there either... or look at paper currency the same way ever again, for that matter.

-I can’t stand shopping (unless it’s for electronics); don’t ask me to go; you’ll be sorry. I have, in fact, been told by numerous people that I somehow--perhaps supernaturally--sap the will to shop out of others by merely my proximity to them. Just save the frustration and don’t suggest I come with you; I might say yes. I don’t mean to have this superpower; it’s more of an ironic gay curse I have :-).

-I’ve no idea about fashion, designers, or models. Don’t ask me about it. I’ll steer you wrong, and maybe just for the amusement and to teach you a lesson about generalizing :-). I don’t think I’ve even bought an item of clothing for myself for years, save jeans to replace those worn through. I’ve only 4 pairs of shoes, in fact, half of them from Costco, and the other half taken from R. I guess I do live off of R’s purchases and judgment just fine (Wow, thinking on it, if I wasn’t gay, I’d be near naked :-)).

-I know little about stereotypical "gay" music. I can’t get into Madonna, Cher, techno, “Babs” or show tunes. I’m sorry; I tired. My musical tastes are elsewhere. In fact, I sat next to Liza Minelli once, and didn’t even notice until R told me.

-I’m pretty useless when it comes to literature and poetry as well. And don’t expect a compelling art critique when you ask my opinion of your painting. Sure, I like it, but I just don’t have the vocabulary to describe such skill exactly, and the jargon I do have, from my work, is wholly inappropriate for art ;-).

Okay, that’s all that comes to mind. Simply, I’m a limited gay. If anyone wants to engage me in the areas where my interests, such as my family and science, intersect gayety, I think I can do an okay job there. But otherwise, I’m a pretty incompetent gay. Don’t expect too much, and don't tell anyone in our elected leadership; I don't want my membership benefits revoked.

In other news: A blueberry, raspberry, and tulip later, and I'm refilled on images.

And I hope you all have a great weekend.


Silus Grok said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Silus Grok said...

It was no surprise to anyone that I was gay (with the exception of my mother... who thinks my brother is gay, but thought I was unmarried because of her string of husbands).

I'm mildly effeminate, I know plenty about all things superficial and vain (though much more about the silly and arcane), I'm a damn fine cook (really), and I can dance — though I haven't in years. Moreover, I'm from a broken family with strong women... and I didn't care for sports growing up.

If I could stomach having my picture taken, I'd be the poster boy for gay stereotypes that don't include cross-dressing or xtc.

asdf said...

Scot, I totally agree with you... I too am a "incompetent gay"

-L- said...

Oooo... I wanna go shopping for electronics. Sounds like our grooming and fashion sense are very similar.

Plus, I've been (regretably) to the gay bar on Bourbon St after slipping away from my friends (who don't know I'm gay). Later when we saw various female strippers in other places I tried my best to seem interested, but I don't know that I pulled it off. Anyway, your ability to be incompetent in such areas as alcohol consumption and patronage of Bourbon St establishments is one reason why I think you're so stinking awesome (no offense to all you sex-crazed alcoholics out there).

Kengo Biddles said...

Here's my (counter)-list.

1. No moisturizers, etc.
2. No hair, thus, no product.
3. No "party" ability in the MTV sense.
4. Can dance, don't.
5. No knowledge of the "scene."
6. I like shopping, surprisingly enough, and if money were unlimited, I would indeed be a fashionista ... after a personal trainer and good amount of weight loss.
7. Don't know fashion, but I know what looks good on me and on my close friends.
8. I love techno, not so much Babs, but she is, as is said, "like butta!" ;) Cher is okay and so is Madonna, but they're not in my top 10 or even 100.
9. I'm a writer, but not artsy fartsy.

Maybe instead of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, it should be Queer Eye for the incompentently Gay Guys.

What do you think?

Loyalist (with defects) said...

KB that was my idea!

after i told my wife, she said when we first met she thought i had a rather effeminate voice. not lispy, just high.

1. I love the theatre.

2. I've had the same hair style since i was 13. though i am looking for a new one.

3. I use to have more shoes than Amedla Marcos, but then I got kids.

4. I use to have a wonderful wardrobe but then i moved to AZ; were half my cloths are now too warm. then i got rhather portly.

5. I bake not cook.

6. Prefer classical music but I do enjoy musicals, madonna, pink floyd, inxs, underworld, pet shop boys, Depeche Mode and Duran Duran. though I'll admit, most of the time its just NPR and me.

6. as for the scene - In theatre school i was the designated driver. My political side would never let me leave incriminating evidence of any sort - now or then :-)

Master Fob said...

So are you saying that after you went to the straight strip club you were DOUBLE GAY?

santorio said...

my wife and daughter are constantly trying to "dress me."

they don't realize how much time i spend deciding what to wear, even to the point of running back to the bedroom at the last minute and changing.

my problem is that i'm too cheap to wear what i would really like to.

Kengo Biddles said...

I'm too cheap, and, face it, too poor. No $100 jeans that make my @$$ look great like OMFMH... :)

Scot said...

Silus, I’m a big fan of the silly and arcane :-).

I also have great and jealous respect for many of the gay skills. Heck, I married a damn fine cook who keeps me clothed in such a way that a significant number of our acquaintances have no idea how fashion “special” I really am.

L: I wanna go shopping for electronics.

That sounds fun, but you must have endurance, L. I’ll spend more in gas driving to 5 different stores than what I’d save in the best deal. And then I’ll shop for a week online. It drives most gay men and straight women in my life batty :-).

Kengo What do you think?

Loyalist KB that was my idea!

When we first saw that show, R suggested I lie to get on… I then reminded him that he’d then have to wear drag for the big date at the end.

most of the time its just NPR and me.

Hey, me too… I hate it when some young’n asks what I’m listening to in my headphones and I end up explaining why I so much like Doug Frabrizio (sp?). That’s a gay thing around these parts, to be sure :-).

If it hasn’t been clear by my relative silence ;-); I’ll be away from the computer for a while. But it’s nice to check in and see so many and humorous comments. Thanks.

playasinmar said...

-What? No CHER?!!

-Tell me you at least have a Julie Andrew's face tattoo somewhere on your torso!!!

Scot said...

Okay, here’s how bad it is: I had to google “Julie Andrew” to get that reference :-).