Friday, February 20, 2009

Dear John,

Can you believe I’ve never broken up with anyone before? I must be one of the only guys I know who’s never had his heart broken by another, never thought up a way to cut a lover loose, never been cut loose.

I’m just saying I hope you know this is hard on me, honey. In general, I do not give up on established relationships. I’m not sure why; it may be because I tend to and prefer to see myself as being defined by my roles in my relationships. To lose a relationship is to lose a part of myself. To lose a significant relationship, say, with my husband or kids may as well mean to remove a vital organ, and I don’t want to know and I don’t even care about the new man that could come from such losses in life.

Of course, my dearest Utah, you know a relationship between a person and his state is not that serious; we’ve never even kissed. Nevertheless, I can’t deny that I reflexively see a big part of myself as your good friend from birth, as a Utahn by heart. From my polygamist pioneering ancestors to the accent in my English, you are a part of me, and I don’t want you to ever doubt that I love you. I do. It’s evidenced right there in the blog title, in our many dates together in your beautiful deserts and mountains. Heck, I said my first words cradled in your suburbs, I learned to ride a bike on your streets, I had my first date and fell in love in your capitol city, and, so far, I’ve raised my children here… Good times, many great memories that I will cherish forever. I hope you will too.

It’s no secret we’ve had our differences, though, and I’ve been happy in the past to just try to manage them, but we both know things have changed, dear. Primarily, my children came into the picture, and that changed things for my husband and me in ways I couldn’t predict. So I’d say "it’s not you, it’s me", but, lets be honest;Utah, it’s us both. Your love has become even more moody and sharp, and you’ve really let your religious and legal attractiveness go downhill. For just one example, I knew you had issues with me too, but I didn’t think your culture, or the faith of my youth would attack our children’s character.

Now I find my husband has, in his mind, already severed ties with you. Any married man knows how hard it is to keep a friendship when your spouse can’t stand the person, and I wish I had the motivation to make a case for you, but I don't and you don’t make it easy. Frankly, you’ve betrayed our trust; you take our money and play me like a chump. Sure, you love me when you want to buy yourself some bling: slick digital road signs, or guns for your armories, or health insurance for your legislators. But then you dig in your heals on most any small form of fair treatment for me, for those relationships sacred to us. If I want equal access to wrongful death rights, or housing, or health insurance for my spouse (not even the sweet deal I help buy for you), then you’ve suddenly got vague plans with someone else.

Yes, I've been naive, and kind of thought we had a deal; you’d come around when you understood how you been treat’n me. However, for the sake of legally and socially protecting the relationships more vital than the relationship I have with you, I’ve had to make some tough decisions about our future together.

I best just say it: Utah, honey, I’m breaking up with you.

Now now, let’s not cry.

Oh… yeah, okay… you’re not a bit upset or even listening to me? I’m being a whiny b*beep*ch, and you never loved me? Sure, whatever. I guess I knew it was a one way relationship, the bulk of you being glad to see my family cut ties and try to leave, if the bulk could even notice us. That’s how you want to be, then fine.

What kills me, though, is that I know you. You’ll break another boy’s heart. Right now, to you, that heart is a time bomb ticking in some Salt Lake Bishop’s son, or in some 3rd grade girl in, say, Nephi or some other dainty small town appendage of yours. They will love you too, and then, come puberty, they’ll realize you've been leading them on; who they are is exactly who you don’t want to associate with. And I’ll be gone, off to love another state, like a quitter, along with all the other people and families I’ve seen leave over the past decade for kinder jurisdictions.

Good riddance you may say; and yeah, I’ll not let the door hit us on my way out. I hope if anything, though, you recognize one of my larger fears for you, for a state I still love even as we part ways. I fear you’ll step up your work in creating the sort of gay people you claim to fear most, after you drive out those I suspect you truly do fear, deep down: those who got by your roadblocks and don’t conform to your stereotypes, those who have a good marriage and children and homemakers to protect, from you. No one in charge of an abusive relationship wants their partner to see a way out; they want to “love” them from above, as their "beloved" struggles. Your legislative body language has made it clear; when it comes to your gay citizens, you don’t want to have a relationship with an equal, or with someone healthy. You've even proudly tattooed it on your face, right in your constitution, that you don’t want equals in your gay citizens or their families.

I just hope you consider, Utah, that you can be uniquely sadistic in your love, particularly of “the children” and "the family", and you have a tendency to create the problems you often speak out against. Even forget us and my whining; the fact is you do hurt yourself and your character each time you make an excuse for not following the golden rule when it comes to your gay citizens. I know you think it's no big deal and blow off the ridicule of outsiders and my concern for you as worldly forces trying to bring you down or something. You'll do what you want. But I know you've thought that before, and I'll keep my hope in the fact that you have stopped and taken a good look at yourself in times past, and turned yourself around. I know you can do it again.

Anyway, take care honey, and here’s to hoping time can bring us back together some day. I do not and will not look back in anger, and you’ll always be a part of me, even if I do have to excise most of what you once owned. However, I'm taking the kids, the dog, all our possessions, including our record collection; you never liked my music anyway.

Yours truly and with some non-ironic sadness,
Your Ex-Utahn Looking for a New State to Love.

31 comments:

Formerly known as Peter said...

It's so sad, but even North Dakota would be an improvement. They just passed a law for housing and employment protections.

I can't wait to get out of here. Let's race, I'm curious as to which of us will get out first.

Max Power said...

We're looking at San Diego.

Java said...

My condolences on the break-up, though I totally sympathize with you on the wherefores and the whys. Good luck shopping around for a new state.

Guy said...

Cute and clever, but somewhat sad nonetheless. Utah doesn't realize what she's missing, poor thing.

JB said...

I had kind of hoped you two would be able to work things out. But when you're in an abusive relationship with someone who won't stop being abusive, you need to get out.

Ezra said...

“If you want to do something good for yourself, go to Utah and get thrown out.”

--Utah Phillips, Storyteller/Songwriter

(More below)
http://tinyurl.com/c82b7k

Joe Hill, the great wobblie (IWW) organizer had his ashes scattered in every state except Utah by Utah Phillips--because he "didn't want to be caught dead in utah".

I can understand why. The IWW was doing organizing up in the silver mines, and the governor of Utah had vowed to break the union. Joe Hill, an organizer as well as a songwriter, was framed on a murder charge and executed.

Utah has always been hostile to fairness and equality.

I don't know why I felt compelled to share that, but I love his stories, and you're letter, which is touching, made me think of him. He passed on last year. He's joined that great Union in the sky.

Alan said...

Come back Scot to where you left before, we will welcome you with open arms.

Scot said...

FKAP "Let's race, I'm curious as to which of us will get out first."

I think I should be given a head start... because I'm older.

Max "We're looking at San Diego."

There is, if the courts keep our CA marriage license legal, our #1 spot. As Alan alludes to, San Diego was our home while I was getting my MS. We have some friends there and love the climate, in several ways.

Java "My condolences on the break-up, though I totally sympathize with you on the wherefores and the whys."

Thanks Java. Maybe, I should do some break up rituals... Any suggestions? Cut Utah out of our old pictures together? Eat a tub of ice cream? Drive by her house at midnight and, when questioned, say I was just in the neighborhood? I only know of big breakups what I see from the tv :-).

Guy "Utah doesn't realize what she's missing, poor thing."

Ah thanks Guy... Can you set me up with your state? She's hard on the wallet I hear, but much more congenial.

JB "I had kind of hoped you two would be able to work things out."

Thanks, I did think we made a lovely couple. If only...

Exra: "I don't know why I felt compelled to share that"

Made me laugh :-). I'll have to look him up.

Alan: "Come back Scot to where you left before, we will welcome you with open arms."

We are looking. I can smell that salt breeze just thinking of it.

santorio said...

seattle: it doesn't rain, it "greens."

last saturday i mowed my lawn, my green lawn.

Anthony said...

Canada is good. esp. Vancouver. :)

Scot said...

Hey, Anthony! Vancouver is on the short list of places we're looking, particularly with the federal issues here.

Anthony said...

trust me. Canada, and Vancouver in particular will blow you away. no one bats an eye at anything.

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