I'm Qualified

A long while ago I announced my bid to be the next President of the United States of America.

I know. Many of you were thinking I was out of the running by now, and, sure, my campaign staff stopped returning my calls months ago. Nevertheless, I've been watching this election carefully and I think the time is ripe for me to make my move. It seems, by the media coverage and blogs, I may actually be the best man or woman for the job. Let me tell you why:

• I always wear a flag lapel pin, even on my tee-shirts, and I keep my hand over my heart, always; it's very difficult to type.
• I've never hugged President Bush; have never even wanted to.
• I don't bowl like a sissy.
• Even though it's so obviously your business, my teenage child is not pregnant or even extant.
• Rob has never given me a "Terrorist Fist Bump". Gay people aren't allowed to do "knuckles"; it's in our charter.
  
• The rumors that Wolfey, my grandson and our son Brian's favorite stuffed animal son, mauled a teddy bear in 1964 are totally exaggerated. The bear was asking for it.
• There's no bombastic preacher in my past; no religious leader in my life at all. That's not a problem in the US of A, is it? We don't have religious tests here; a gay agnostic can be president, right?
  
• My upper lip moves when I speak. Really, it doesn't just lay there like a flap of leather.
• I'm not a Muslim, not even a secret Muslim (as far as you know).
• The New Yorker has never done a cartoon of me and Rob in leather-men getup while groping each other in the White House, with a portrait of a cone-bra wearing Madonna over the fireplace, in which the Proclamation on the Family burns. At least not yet.

See, I'm perfect for the job. And here I thought I'd have to think about some of the hard problems facing our country, like health care and wars and silly stuff like that.

So vote for Scot in 2008. Rob has already picked out the new White House drapes and china pattern.