The Sinister Addiction

I hate it when perversions are forced down my throat. I see them flaunting their aberrant lifestyles everywhere, on TV, at the office supply store; they even have conventions. Just the other day my kid came home from school with a left-handed pair of scissors and tells me his friend’s mom is left-handed! You people should just keep your personal failings to yourself and keep your left-handed propaganda out of our schools. It’s not the place for activism.

What hubris and pride. When my dad was a boy, they knew how to treat southies. Teachers would bind or smack the hand of those practicing such abnormal behaviors (true, actually). These deviants should be grateful today we leave them live.

But no; this tiny militant minority has to push it. They demand my “tolerance” and “respect”, and yet won’t tolerate my views. Hypocrites. In the left wing media they’re all over. I’m constantly bombarded by attempts to convert my family towards their miserable choices. They’d have us believe we could all live lives just like Ned Flanders in some joy-filled left-handed lifestyle. Like it’s okay, not a choice, normal. What a lie.

Twin studies show it’s a chosen lifestyle, as some twins are left-handed and others aren’t (1). Did you also know left-handed people are more likely to be schizophrenic (2,3)? They also more often develop immune diseases and migraines (4); they’re miserable people. Compared to normal people, their intellect suffers as well (4-7). Left-handed people, no doubt by their “parenting” behaviors, are also more likely to produce children with mental retardation, and, of course, teach their children their same perversion (8). It’s no surprise that many left handed people, and their children have been known to be murderers and thieves.

It’s a moral weakness, and we let left-handed and bi-handed people be authority figures to our children in our public schools, let alone become parents and marry?! Sure a few may, by some fluke, raise a passable child in their “families”, but we know scientifically, these kids are worse off, on average, mentally diminished with their schizophrenic “parents”. It’s simply not the ideal family makeup, to be sure, and we should promote the ideal. I’m not saying we should harm these innocent children in any way, of course, but treat them with pity, the poor victims, invalids, raised without right morals, by people selfish enough to raise them.

America has to start thinking of the children! (Not the left-handed children, though.) We should be outraged and stop worrying about hurting feelings; the world is becoming another Sodom. The southies are even more likely to be gay (9,10) (so I guess they ain’t all that bad).

And, no, you pervert, my aversion to left-handedness does NOT mean I’m secretly left handed!!! THE MERE IDEA OF IT MAKES ME SICK.

Now, to all you so afflicted by this moral weakness in my audience, let me say, actually, some of my very best friends are left-handed (or do you people prefer to be called Right Hand Restricted, RHR?). Like my friend Mary Stevens, do you know her? She went to a movie with me once and is left-handed; I thought you might know her... She told me all about how you live in your “community”, all about the left-handed lifestyle. But at least she knows she’s cursed with a detestable addiction.

Such good folks don’t flaunt it in our faces in public displays of “writing”. To watch them soldier on, regardless, on the tennis courts, or scribbling on their right-handed ledgers, they humble me in their courage. They have a noble life of self-denial, sacrifice for their eternity of pleasure, unlike those lazy, debouched southies who mindlessly take left-handedness as a part of who they are and wallow in its many animal pleasures.

Sure, being left-handed in itself isn’t really a sin; it’s just a part of a person that tempts them with evil, and we’re all tempted. This addiction isn’t evil or part of anyone, really, but CHOOSING to act on it is the very definition of sin. Abstention from using your hands altogether is a far more noble and preferable option. It doesn’t matter what harm comes or does not come from it, when you move your body in a certain way, in a certain geometry, do what I do with my right hand... Well, I’m telling you it’s against God’s law. I mean, please, you think God would be left handed, after separating us from the bi-handed beasts of this world, into His image, into right-handedness? Still, I know the suffering you must feel at that (personally, I’m tempted to stay home from church some Sundays; I do feel your pain), but it’s the inarguable TRUTHtm.

While I love and respect all southpaws, I can’t condone that sin, and that puts my compassionate soul in a really difficult position. It’s tough love. I cannot sit idly by if anyone tries to normalize that perversion in my culture. There’s no debating it, but I hope you all can understand. I must do what’s right, and, if I didn’t love southpaws and know it’s for their own good, I wouldn’t hurt them or my possible left-handed children (which I’ll not have as I raise children with morals).

I certainly would support anyone, though, when they decide to leave that deviant lifestyle. Keep that in mind, my left-handed readers. I know the life of those so addicted is filled with sadness and desolation--I’ll make sure of that--but THERE IS ANOTHER WAY! You can change! Studies show that upwards of 93% of southpaws, if they honestly want it and have enough faith and love of the Savior, can gain a normal right-handed orientation (11).


In the meantime struggle on and don’t become one of those militant southpaws, out there threatening the very sanctity of baseball. Their so-called “community” is nothing more than a bunch of one-dimensional creatures brought together by only their sick obsession with using their left hand, and the manipulations of Satan himself, whispering in their ears. They and their invisible demons only want to keep you from realizing your potential, and force their agenda into every American’s home, destroying the very fabric of society (somehow, but it will happen). Militant southies just hate society, and children, and America, and puppies.

Finally, don’t be taken in, my audience. Sure, the militant southies claim they want to be treated with legal parity, but they don’t really care about so-called “rights”. All they’re after is our endorsement of their twisted proclivities, to trick us into calling Evil “good” and Good “evil”. Don’t be blinded by talk of justice and equity--never let such marketing tools blind you--they’re after the corruption and approval of righteous people like us.

And who wouldn’t want that?
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:-) Okay, I couldn’t resist after thinking back on handedness and my old site, old foes. Gosh that feels decadent; I see why they do it. You know, I just need to emphasize how much I can’t stand the sins of the southpaws. Try to talk me out of it; I dare you ;-).

1. Sicotte, N., R. Woods, et al. (1999). "Handedness in Twins: A Meta-analysis." Laterality: Asymmetries of Body, Brain, and Cognition 4(3): 265-286.
2. M.F., G., P. Satz, et al. (1989). "Is there atypical handedness in schizophrenia?" Journal of Abnormal Psychology 98(1): 57-61.
3. Mary Cannona, Majella Byrnea, et al. (1995). "Prevalence and correlates of mixed-handedness in schizophrenia." Psychiatry Research 59: 119-125.
4. Geschwind, N. and P. Behan (1982). "Left-Handedness: Association with Immune Disease, Migraine, and Developmental Learning Disorder." Proceedings of the National Acadamy of Science 79(16): 5097-5100.
5. Coren, S. and D. Halpern (1991). "Left-handedness: a marker for decreased survival fitness." Psychological Bullitins 109(1): 90-106.
6. Soper, H., P. Satz, et al. (1987). "Handedness distribution in a residential population with severe or profound mental retardation." American journal of mental deficiency 92(1): 94-102.
7. Grouios, G., N. Sakadami, et al. (1999). "Excess of non-right handedness among individuals with intellectual disability: experimental evidence and possible explanations." Journal of Intellectual Disability Research 43(4): 306.
8. Bradshaw-McAnulty, G., R. Hicks, et al. (1984). "Pathological left-handedness and familial sinistrality in relation to degree of mental retardation." Brain Cognition 3(4): 349-356.
9. McCormick CM, Witelson SF, et al. (1990). "Left-handedness in homosexual men and women: neuroendocrine implications." Psychoneuroendocrinology 15(1): 69-76.
10. Holtzen, D. (1994). "Handedness and sexual orientation." Journal of Clinical Experimental Neuropsychology 16(5): 702-712.
11. Some guy’s web site that I read once and believe wholeheartedly. Dude, just trust me.