Divorce

I came to these blogs with a firm notion of divorce, and the circumstances under which it was ethically possible, basically what I outline here. It’s greatly from my upbringing, and it was, actually, a softening of my younger stance. Divorce is rare in my family, and I had no idea it existed well into my youth, even though it had greatly affected immediate family. Not only that but I took the New Testament on the topic as seriously as Pope Clement (the seventh, not the fith). You know, Luke 16:18.

I understood that most modern religions didn’t uphold this doctrine, letting divorce (and remarriage [gasp]) happen for all sorts of reasons, but I felt that was a copout, a compromise of morals. When I became LDS my outlook softened a bit (to pretty much where Elder Oaks puts it). But even when my faith was no longer sustainable (1, 2) my views didn’t relax much. In short, being gay and married to a woman was not near an excuse for divorce, not when I first came here.

That's changed a bit over the months and I’m still trying to work it out. Ultimately I’m less concerned about a person’s promise of forever than the results, and the fate of possible children. With the way time teaches us, I can see how one person’s promise to another of “forever” may have been made to the eventual determent and regret of all involved, if kept, but that harm may have been unimagined or hidden, even purposefully by others, at the time it was made. I can see how that promise may have been made in error, and that, if kept through having children, the children could be needlessly hurt. Keeping the promise may not be worth all that, just like lying may sometimes be the right thing to do to stop greater harm.

But, once children are there... They are brought into a union without consent, and I do think they come with a claim in the promises that began their family. What to do once they are there? When I came to these blogs many months ago, I’d never have thought I could see a sliver of right in a parent splitting up their home, absent something like a cheating spouse.

Then I became familiar with Chris, his story, and his family. KK’s posts really helped me see it in a different, softer light. And now there’s Master Fob. They are all people who, with the limitations of the internet in mind, I’ve come to like and respect. Despite my regrettable fondness of riding the taller horses ;-), I can’t find myself able to say, or even think they did something they shouldn't with regards to their families. So, now what for a view on divorce?

I now think I was wrong… But I, of course, think I was right too ;-). I started this post hoping to better solidify my views on this topic. I gravitate towards lists, absolutes; tables of if then else, even in the complicated areas of morality, and I wanted to work out such a table for divorce. But I don’t think I can find a more stable or widely applicable rule here. I can’t measure such subtle and complicated weights for other families. If something obvious is involved, like abuse? Sure, the scales of right and wrong tip simply. But no family is the abstract family, and this issue now seems too near the tipping point, either way. I can see now it’s possible that what one gay man does easily, another may do with a struggle that could mire those around him, regardless of his intent. I fear I’d be making the same mistake I urge against in ignoring the fact that all humans and human situations must be looked at on their own merits, if I tried to simplify this issue further.

Time will tell for the individuals, but only one side of the story for each choice. So in the end, while I want to plant my feet, I now kind of feel like I shouldn’t and can’t here, when the variables are so vague and complicated and necessarily personal, and unknowable by my experience.

As a general rule, I still don’t think being gay, on its own, means a person should divorce their wife, kids involved or no. I do still think such marriages could, and most with children should find a way to make it work. I think divorce, as a general rule, is a tragedy or at least the culmination of a tragedy. Furthermore, I do know how I view divorce for my home. But the general rule does not deal with every person, and in the unknowable specifics of the lives and futures of others, I guess I’m where I began this post, though maybe less uncomfortably without an answer.