To Become a Parent

A while back Mark mentioned the lengths his brother went through to become a father, here. It hit home. For infertile couples it takes a lot of effort and dedication. Sure, some such couples become parents by surprise, suddenly given custody when friends or family die or give birth and ask them to take the child. I’ve known that to happen, but that is a rare case; there are next to no unwanted or unexpected children in our homes.

Once we decided to become parents, we did a lot of study, and not only in worrying over the research on the possible consequences. There was a lot to learn about how best to do it. That alone could become numerous posts, but, simply here, all such couples need help. This fact complicates but, to us, it was far from a negative; I’d actually count it as one of those hidden blessings in life, and one of the greatest. Some of the most wonderful relationships we’ve had and some of the most amazing examples of human compassion we’ve experienced came in those many people who helped us along the way. It certainly changed me and taught me in many positive ways.

But help means consent, as it should. And consent from good and decent people means caution and trials, again, as it should. Among the trials we had to pass:

--Numerous psychological evaluations from start to finish; a detail of our mental history, counseling etc. We had to actually be in weekly contact with a psychologist.
--Criminal background checks for the both of us.
--Character references from friends and family.
--Many questionnaires asking about everything from our extended family to whether or not we smoke (we don’t :-)).
--We had to write out and give the agency a full explanation of our parenting plan: how we’d parent, discipline, who would do what in the home, and so on. We had to have that all worked out before we became parents.
--Disclosure of our financial records.
--Full physicals. Tests for likelihood for early death and creating orphans, from cancer screenings to STDs.

I’m sure I’m forgetting something; it felt more trying than that ;-).

Now, depending on the people who help, less or more of such may be required, but one should expect to pass many tests. One should also expect not only trials given by fellow humans but trials of time and mind and heart that may be much larger in scale than they are for the average. We were lucky, but had two years of dedicated and very focused effort, and a set back that hit us hard in many ways. There will simply be no reckless heated minute of passion in the backseat of a Camaro for gay couples wanting to be parents :-).

All this, of course, can have an effect on the couples who do become parents. But I’ll save that for the next post.